PITTSBURGH – Local concertgoer Roger Macmillan ruined his brand-new $60 tour t-shirt with a perplexingly expensive Bud Light at record speed, witnesses report.
“Perfect, just perfect,” Macmillan said, wringing the sopping hem of his screen-printed tee back into his empty cup. “I bought this less than three minutes ago and it’s already trashed. I cannot believe I just shelled out more than a tank of gas for this thing, put it on like an idiot, and then spilled an entire beer down my front like an even bigger idiot. Holy fuck, please just euthanize me at this rate. The Bud Light was the cheapest beer the bar had, too. I would rather drink on a red-eye flight than recreate this experience.”
“Merchlord” Dylan Maroney, who sold Macmillan the shirt in question, has seen this exact scenario play out before.
“Ah yeah, the classic one-two punch,” Maroney said while checking out three customers at the same time using a single 5th-generation iPad. “Happens all the time. Guys waltz up here thinking they’re hot shit, paying with their Apple Watch or whatever, putting on the shirt right away because ‘the AC is on pretty high’ in here. And then boom, like a force of nature, they spill whatever dogshit beer they’re guzzling right down their whole fuckin’ torso. I gotta say, the look on their faces is a little bit priceless, though I’m happy to have a strict no-returns policy for overpriced beer stains.”
Financial advisor Tony Hunziker provided his expert insight on how to avoid this sort of fiscal disaster.
“These kids don’t know a thing about how to best protect their assets,” Hunziker said from his inexplicably smoky corner office. “A tour shirt is a serious investment for a punk, even an aging one, and going in willy-nilly without a clear plan is a one-way ticket to looking like our boy Roger here. I’ll give ya three tips: buy your merch after the set, if not, drink at the back of the venue so you don’t get bumped around, and sneak in a tiny flask instead of shilling out at the bar. That will be $350 for the advice.”
At press time, Macmillan was seen leaving the set early so he could get home and wash his shirt before the overwhelming heat that had built up in the pit set the stain permanently.
Photo by Roger Harris.
It seems by all accounts that the only thing worse than watching a Michael Bay movie is being in one. He’s well known for clashing with actors, most notably his infamous feud with Megan Fox who compared him to Hitler. His films often involve explosive stunts that jeopardize the lives of actors and stunt crew alike. Given that the end result is usually a movie so devoid of substance it may as well have been made by AI, we’re giving Michael Bay’s endangerment of lives on set our lowest possible grade: Worth it.
It’s a good thing Cameron is committed to those Avatar movies now because, to him, live actors are clearly just things. It’s safe to say anyone who can make Ed Harris pull over and cry on the way to set every day isn’t nice. If you had a dollar for every time someone almost died making “The Abyss,” you would have more money than “The Abyss” made. It seems everyone involved in that film has some story about nearly drowning or running out of oxygen during a take. Then again, that movie paved the way for “Terminator 2: Judgement Day,” so, totally worth it.
Scorsese ranks low on the list, which is not to say his filmography is not worth the sacrifice of human life, which it is! Scorsese is such a pro he’s somehow managed to make great movies without putting actors in harm’s way. The only reason he’s on here at all is because he once stayed up all night drunk with a loaded gun in his lap contemplating the murder of an executive who wanted to cut the end scene of “Taxi Driver.” Ultimately he decided to desaturate the scene instead. That’s what separates Martin Scorsese from a murderer—two degrees of saturation. Anyway, if he had killed the guy, would have been worth it.
While filming his Macbeth adaptation “Throne of Blood,” Kurosawa faced a problem. He needed a wide shot that made it appear that Toshirô Mifune, his lead actor, was being showered with arrows, but there was seemingly no way to make it look realistic. Then, in a true “Eureka!” moment, he came up with a solution. He showered Toshirô Mifune with arrows and filmed it using a camera. It’s the sort of innovation/reckless endangerment you can’t learn at film school. Totally worth it.
He had Robert de Niro and John Savage jump out of a for real helicopter 15 times while making “The Deer Hunter.” On the 15th shot, the helicopter got caught in a bridge cable and nearly fell on them. You might be thinking “Geez, wouldn’t having your lead actors perform an insanely dangerous stunt 14 times have been enough?! Well, footage of de Niro and Savage yelling at the pilot not to crash was used in the final cut of the film, so clearly, it was necessary. Necessary and very, very worth it.
“Fitzcarraldo” tells the story of a man whose obsession with building an opera house in the middle of a jungle forces him to have a steamship carried across a mountain. When tasked with portraying this on screen, Herzog figured why not carry a fucking steamship across a fucking mountain? It was by all accounts one of the most brutal productions in film history. Tensions were so high Herzog’s lead actor and frienemy Klaus Kinski tried paying local tribesmen to kill Herzog. He was such an asshole the tribesmen not only told Herzog but offered to kill Kinski instead. Herzog claims the only reason he refused the offer was because he needed to finish his movie. This ones worth it for the story alone.
It’s one thing to work an actor so hard he collapses from a heart attack. It takes a true auteur to bring that actor back for reshoots the moment he can walk again.
At the end of “The Elephant Man,” John Merrick dies by laying down to sleep “like a normal person,” which his condition prohibits him from safely doing. Coincidentally, the prosthetic makeup John Hurt wore to play The Elephant Man made the same thing true for him. He needed to remain upright at all times in order to breathe, a fact he often forgot leading him to almost suffocate several times during production. It’s almost disappointing to find that in his entire career, David Lynch only endangered the life of one actor. His work is worth so much more!
You have to respect a director with more than one confirmed kill under his belt. Was creating 1/4th of “Twilight Zone: The Movie” really worth three innocent lives at the hands of his negligence? We don’t want to weigh in on that, and luckily we don’t have to because the jury at his manslaughter trial already ruled “Yes the fuck it was.”
For his breakout film “Deliverance,” Boorman cut costs by letting the actors perform their own stunts. All of them almost died several times. John Voight nearly fell off a cliff. Burt Reynolds claims he still has dreams about the rushing water stunt that left him stripped naked and nearly drowned with a fractured tailbone. That all seems pretty reckless and irredeemable until you remember it netted Boorman an Academy Award Nomination and two Golden Globes. Totally worth it.
“Roar” has been called the most dangerous movie ever made. When approaching animal trainers about the idea of making a movie with over a hundred big cats Marshall was called, and this is a direct quote, “insane.” Still, he soldiered on, going so far as to fill the lead role himself because no one in their right mind would do it. Over 70 people were injured during production and Marshall himself was almost killed several times. His various lion attack wounds—that’s right, fucking various lion attack wounds—became gangrenous and gave him a rare virus. The movie cost 17 million dollars to produce and made $2 million so in a literal sense it was not worth it, but we have this bat-shit crazy movie to look back on now so yeah the fuck it was.
If you know anything about the relationship between Sam Raimi and his frequent star Bruce Campbell you know that Sam relished every opportunity to torture Bruce on set. For the end shot of “Evil Dead,” Raimi needed the camera to fly directly at Bruce Campbell. There are a million ways to do this, but the way Raimi chose was to hold a camera in one hand while driving a motorbike directly at Campbell. This one really walks the line between near fatal accident and straight-up assault. Still, “Evil Dead” rules, and had the wheel not missed Campbell’s head by inches, what, no Brisco County Jr? Who cares, worth it!
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” was sort of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of film sets. Tobe Hooper displayed little regard for the well-being or even the lives of his stars. That’s a real chainsaw Gunar Hansen is waving around at everyone which led to a number of nearly fatal accidents, including the Leatherface actor slipping in some mud and nearly impaling himself with the thing. The infamous dinner scene was filmed for over 24 hours straight in an extremely hot unventilated room causing several cast and crew members to collapse from heat exhaustion. Hooper’s negligence seems irredeemable until you watch the movie and go “Hey, that was great, and who cares if everyone involved suffered, I don’t even know those people.” Totally fucking worth it.
He drowned 3 extras making “Noah’s Ark” and nearly killed many more, among them a young pre-fame John Wayne. He also made “Casablanca,” so, you know.
If there were an Oscar for endangering lives to get the shots you need—and there SHOULD be—William Friedkin would have died with a shelf full of them. He was a true master of reckless endangerment. He would fire guns on set and slap people before a take just to get the reactions he wanted on film. He hired mob-affiliated firebugs to do pyrotechnic work professionals deemed too dangerous. His crowning achievement is the chase scene in “The French Connection” in which Gene Hackman chases a train with a car through New York City. He achieved this by actually chasing a fucking train with a car through New York City without permits or anything, endangering the lives of cast, crew, and regular people like you and me. Totally fucking worth it, rest in power king.
Sure, ideal as a primordial symbol of a welcoming backdoor, but beware the red coloring. See: inflammation. This is a call to get yourself tested. There is discounted fun beyond the giant cement spheres outside, but at what cost? Ask friends before getting near this infected opening, the bullseye of irresponsible good times.
The giant yellow tag here has a smaller opening at an odd end, but you can make it work. In fact, most people use the phrase “a smaller opening at an odd end” to describe your genitals, so all-in-all this consummation is a win. You appreciate the tilted angle, helpful for the natural curve and rhythmic maneuvering needed for insertion. No “Geek Squad” here! Just a proud American fucking the Best Buy logo.
Rugged and choppy, sex with this logo is more granola. There is a real danger of harming yourself on the many jagged points and slants. Roughing it works for some, but this is too much. Like sex outdoors, the idea of this is more appealing than the execution. Maybe you can do something funky with that tree, though.
America’s richest family has developed a logo that is incredibly easy to enter. A gaping wide, loose hunk of a vulvic or “rear end” entrance. Dive your entire body into this one, find the pleasure center of Sam’s Club. The blue in the logo is like the blue of the ocean, like diving into a majestic vagina of consumer discounts.
This entry in some ways writes itself. You can sit on one of the tall letters, or hope to get teabagged by the flying 3-D logo. If anything, the logo is too assuming, “in your face.” You like seduction to be coy, prolonged, not just balls flying all over willy-nilly. Plus, the all-capital font in white? Someone needs to work on their subtlety, and that someone might be Dick.
Plenty opportunities for sex here, with the modest fig leaf on top courting a playful touch. A generous offering of openings, lots of “O” action grouped together, inviting your warm body implanted into those lovely grouped orifices. Sex with the Whole Foods logo, like shopping at Whole Foods itself, is expensive. Be prepared for self-important fine dining of a dubious “organic” nature, plus lots of conversation in bed about sustainability.
The confident “K.” Yeah, you wanna fuck that “K.” It’s the last letter of “fuck.” It’s the lustful plosive kick at the end of that perfect word. A punchy end. Almost an orgasm itself. Fill your world with pleasure to the very brim, with Kmart. There’s not a lot you can do the big red “K,” but you can get up in between those angles for a long, loving night.
Once again, the name is doing a lot of the work here. Somewhat spiky check mark, not the best for insertion. This is an “all foreplay” logo. Try to achieve double penetration with the uppercase “B.” Sidenote: is there a sexier letter than an uppercase “B?” You’ve been banned from multiple Bed, Bath and Beyond locations for this very reason, left off this list since their logo is simply too irresistible (also, bankruptcy).
Askance angles are recommended for approaching this logo in an amorous, lusty fashion. Perhaps stretch first, get yourself limbered up. Discretion is advised given the already loud, high visibility of their hot orange. Think about the endless nights with those curved crevices, the reliability of that box stencil font. Nustle in the burly square that is the Home Depot logo. (
Much like the Sybian sex machine you purchased to spice up your life, riding this logo in reverse cowgirl is ideal. This is a logo that will make you breakfast in the morning. Look at those tight corners and that morning-wood chub bump on top. Lowe’s, simply irresistible. You spend dark lonely nights thinking of this, your favorite Home Improvement Warehouse.
What’s inside that cup? You know what’s inside that cup. Let the curly ribboned font slip around your body like an eel. Let the logo’s labia fly. You’re at Walgreens. Romance runs wild. The cursive implies an old-fashioned lovemaking, perhaps furtive and frank, but considerate and tender. Fuck the Walgreens logo how your grandparents would’ve fucked the Walgreens logo: with appreciation, a dollop of patriotism and a helping of humility.
You live for that curve on the “L.” You think about it night and day. Look at it, just waiting for you to do something up on it. Have a wild night downtown with the Staples logo, question your life choices, get absolutely railed, find paperclips in your canals. At least you know you’re fucking a business professional with office supply hookups.
Are those magic nipples or lost anal beads floating beside the “T?” Either way, the double “X” in the spelling tells you everything you need to know. What a dirty little troublemaker this logo is. This logo will ride you hard and punish you until you scream. You will be fondled and whipped by the multiple legs of the “M.” That is the TJ Maxx way. Maybe do some yoga after.
That little red heart is absolutely double-cheeked up. Or just let the entire logo enter you, penetrate you, deeply. Feel that pressure. If you have any pain, ask the logo itself for advice, famous for its pharmacy section. This CVS logo is 24/7, babe – down for anywhere, down for anytime.
A subtle, feminine, yonic opening. Some say it’s an eyelash or smoke billow, perhaps a whisper or just an “S” but all you see is the divine vagina, from whence we all came. A subtle calling, a slip of an opening. Approach the Sephora logo with tenderness, using all parts of the body for stimulation before embedding yourself. Making love to this logo is like riding on a yacht through the south of France: elegant and over too soon.
Wow, what does that fish mouth do? Look at that gaping maw. Inviting you, beckoning you, daring you. Anyone wearing this hat secretly wants you to engage in “Shape of Water”-adjacent activity. That fish is flying at you, coming for you, ready to chomp, suck, nibble on and glug your body until you burst with pleasure. Definitely have this very conversation next time you see a MAGA-type or Gen Z kid wearing this logo.
Ride those blue stripes all night long. Like the prices never changing, fucking this logo will be a reliable hookup. Frottage would be an option here, rubbing along the long blue rectangles. Like a visit to Costco itself, the sex will be expansive; you’ll end up trying spanakopita and cranberry juice samples while watching the Olympics in 4K.
Once again, another little red star butthole. Right there, next to the word “Macy’s” itself. Sure you can slide around all those smooth serif-free fonts, but if you really wanna make this logo scream, you gotta stick your thumb in there. Better do it soon, though, these Macy’s locations are disappearing faster than endangered rhinos.
Possibly the horniest logo of the bunch. The discreet “logo next door” that secretly is a freak. Look at that unconnected “o” – it can literally change shape and size to fit you. Take the leg off that R, buy it a secret apartment for kinky leather games. Ross won’t judge. Ross will allow you to explore every dimension of your sensuality. The very encouragement in the words “dress” and “less” is all you need to know here.
A big, huggable ball, long enough to lay upon like a chaise-lounge, but round enough to slide around on. Sex here is an easy step-by-step process, much like actual Ikea instructions. Perhaps use the little metal tool that comes with the furniture, for kinky multipurpose exploration. Stay open-minded to new exotic Swedish positions. Like wandering an Ikea itself, you can get lost while fucking this logo, your animal body simply feeling the joy of uninhibited, highly-efficient tantric sex.
The asshole of capitalism. The anus of America. The perfectly puckered yellowbelly bottom of consumer bliss. The ideal taut sphincter of every blue-vested greeter. Beauty, perfect, stunning design. With just a few strokes of the pen, the backside is implied and this booty-hole holds dominance across America. Have fun for hours with this magical entry point. Sure, all of the “Mom and Pop” stores on Main Street are closed thanks to Walmart, plus downtowns are trainwrecks thanks to discounted centralization. But everything is going to be just fine, as long as you can explore this great nation and fantasize about Walmart’s wide yawning yellow rectum.
