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Boeing Swears They Just Only Hire Suicidal People

ARLINGTON, Va. – Executives at Boeing responded to the mysterious death of a second whistleblower by claiming the company has a longstanding policy of only hiring people with suicidal thoughts and actions, multiple sources confirmed

“We here at Boeing are offended by insinuations that we would ever do anything to harm any of our employees, regardless of whether they threaten to take down our entire corporation by revealing dark, mob-like plots to uncover gross negligence that’s killed hundreds of people and risked the lives of thousands, if not millons,” said company spokesperson Mike Nuñez. “The only risk to our employees is their own dark thoughts. Working for Boeing is tough, it’s demanding, and so many of our employees love working here so much that it scares them, and they can’t imagine living without one of our paychecks. And unfortunately, some of our former employees died suddenly, but they can rest easy knowing that their talking days are over.”

When asked to comment, current employees of the aerospace manufacturer responded by releasing prerecorded VHS tapes to various media outlets. In the video, an employee who identifies themselves as Jean Fiorelli sits in a chair in front of a blank white wall and speaks to camera.

“Yes, we here at Boeing think about killing ourselves all the time. It’s all we talk about. It’s-“

At this point in the video, Jean looks down at her lap, then to the right of camera with a confused look on her face. She then nods and proceeds.

“It’s what gets us up in the morning. Thank God and the shareholders for Boeing and for giving us all such a safe space to work. The workplace is so beautiful that it’s tough for our minds to understand and some days the beauty makes us want to kill ourselves. But if we do, it is because we are totally suicidal.”

Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Expert Nikki Smith provided a professional opinion on the alleged phenomenon.

“A company hiring only suicidal individuals is certainly unorthodox and I might even go so far as to say unheard of and dangerous,” said Smith. “Unless they have stringent protocol and support in place. There has been some recent literature on the topic that was actually released by Boeing and four of my colleagues that spoke out about it got violently ill. So I’m just going to shut my mouth and everyone should move on unless you have a deathwish.”

The company has pledged $1,000 to support mental health research and “to stop those sad folks from blowing their brains out or whatever.”