Press "Enter" to skip to content

We Sat Down at the Cool Kids Table and Were Savagely Ridiculed

Kids these days, what’s up with them? Seriously, we have no idea what the hell is going on with Gen Alpha and they are terrifying, mostly because they speak in internet shorthand and we haven’t brushed up on our acronyms in a decade. In order to bridge the generation gap, we sought out the cool kids table at our old high school to find out what makes them tick.

Unfortunately, since the moment we sat down they’ve savagely criticized nearly every aspect of our existence.

At first it was unclear to us why there was so much animosity. It’s not like Millennials ruined the economy! Perhaps the proliferation of Harry Potter and Axe body spray is what’s led them to question our judgment.

Our attempt to talk to them in a way they’d understand didn’t help. Apparently no matter how you think the word “skibidi” is used, you will be wrong 100% of the time. Either we don’t know what it actually means or these kids are just fucking with us.

When it wasn’t our taste in clothing that was in their crosshairs, it was our TikTok for you page. How they got their hands on our phone is beyond me. It must’ve been when we dropped our guard after one of them chided the infinity tattoo on our wrist.

After an entire lunch period of being roasted, it was clear any attempt to know them as human beings was not going to happen. So eventually we threw a Hail Mary and the offered right of passage golden ticket: that fact we could buy them alcohol. The look they gave us, as if they’d just been offered ketamine! Apparently it’s flavored vapes or nothing for them, but that ship may have already sailed because there’s a 99% chance they’re going to doxx and cancel us.

What makes these kids popular anyway? Most of their music and fashion trends are just late 90’s retreads and they want to act like adults without any of the maturity and have cult-like loyalties to brands! But goddam do we want to be them. Imagine not having to develop a personality because your parents can buy you the best stuff while knowing absolutely nothing about how the world worked before 2010.

We’re probably no closer to understanding these kids than we are the secrets of the universe, but the infinite cosmos didn’t read us for filth because we still use the smiley emjoi. Fucking brutal.