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Cop Practices For Long Day of Busting Protests By Beating Teenage Children at Home

LOS ANGELES — Local police officer Mark Woodside warmed up for a long day of work beating college kids peacefully protesting genocide by knocking around his teenage children who were trying to avoid him, sources confirmed.

“I checked my watch and it was 6:03 a.m. and my kids weren’t up yet. So I marched right up to their room and initiated communication. They immediately resisted my demands to ‘wake up’ so that’s when I was forced to start throwing punches to the back and sternum of each individual child,” said Officer Woodside. “Some of my colleagues think we need to separate our work life and our home life, but I’ve found that some of my most effective training happens with my own family. If I can ignore the cries of ‘please stop’ and ‘I think he might be dead’ from people I’m meant to love, then I can surely ignore those cries from complete strangers. Especially when I have my riot gear on.”

Woodside’s 17-year-old daughter says she’s been an unwilling participant in her father’s “training exercises” for over a decade.

“He always takes seminars in hand-to-hand combat that are paid for by the precinct and he immediately comes home and ‘practices’ it on me and my brother. He’s broken my collarbone and given me multiple black eyes. I ran out of excuses for my appearance years ago, now I just tell people I’m in an underground fight club,” said the teen girl. “My mom has threatened to leave, but anytime she brings it up he usually grabs one of his guns. As bad as it is for me, I worry for the protesters. My father is out for blood, and I know all his friends think the same way.”

Pro-Israel counterprotesters have been very welcoming to the increased police presence on college campuses.

“The cops just let us do our thing for at least an hour. We will typically show up to an encampment with a few batons and bats and try to single out a few of the smaller college kids and just beat the tar out of them. The police just turn their back and talk about how ‘they are on a break’ while we take care of business,” said Zionist Luke Holcomb. “A lot of off-duty officers will join us as well. They just love hurting people. And since I started hanging out with them so much I was able to get three parking tickets dismissed.”

At press time, Officer Woodside was being praised by his commanding officer for bravely approaching three college students huddled in a tent and knocking them unconscious.