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Bouncer Trying So Hard Not to Wedgie Everyone at They Might be Giants Show

NEW YORK — Former bully-turned-bouncer Terry Gallagher found himself fighting the urge to administer atomic wedgies to everyone at a recent They Might be Giants performance, meek and pimply sources confirmed.

“I’ve got a ton of regret about the way I acted growing up. So I try to make up for it by doing things like spotting dweebs struggling on the squat rack, refraining from using a gay slur when I see a dork eating seitan, and saying ‘thank you.’ But this recent gig really pushed the limits of my reformed bullydom,” said Gallagher. “Based on the number of glasses and ill-fitting t-shirts, you would have thought this was a near-sighted convention. Then the band comes on stage with a freakin’ accordion and starts singing about birdhouses and Istanbul and shit. I have no idea how I managed to restrain myself as long as I did before breaking down.”

They Might Be Giants fan and show attendee Wanda Cooke was one of the first to notice Gallagher’s odd behavior.

“Usually when I’m at a show, the bouncer remains stoic and keeps an eye on the crowd. But this one guy spent the whole time pacing back and forth and pounding his fist into his palm. At one point we made eye contact and he whispered something about meeting me ‘at the baseball field after study hall,’” said Cooke. “Initially I thought it was part of the show, but then later I saw him mechanically administering swirlies to weirdly complacent fans in a bathroom stall, one right after the other. The show attendees just stood there and took it like a fight or flight thing.”

Psychologist Dr. Yunus Coffey spoke about working with adolescent bullies like Gallagher.

“It can be difficult for now-adult bullies to acclimate themselves to life ‘on the outside.’ Once, they were top of the food chain in the cold and uncaring public school system, and now they find themselves serving meals, driving, or even protecting their smarter and more successful classmates,” said Coffey. “This is why I help bullies integrate into adult society. And if that doesn’t work, I encourage them to become police officers, where they can continue their wanton abuse and violence without any retribution whatsoever.”

At press time, Gallagher declared himself an honorary nerd after finding himself inexplicably tapping his toes to the song “Don’t Let’s Start.”