LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local weirdo Arnold Hauser posted on the popular community app, Nextdoor, that everyone in his neighborhood is safe around him because he is the second coming of Christ, conflicted neighbors report.
“Those in my presence need not fear. For I am Christ himself resurrected and made of pure love as well as crushing vengeance,” said Hauser while cleaning a stockpile of guns. “Crime has ridden this neighborhood for decades, but that ended the moment I started squatting in apartment B9. Archangels followed me here, slaying the demons that lurk around our block. And God alerts me of the physical passersby that are dancing with the devil, so that I may alert them of their damnation and coming demise. Oh, God is my goldfish.”
Hauser’s neighbors acknowledged his objectively unconventional methods have actually made the neighborhood feel more at ease.
“I’m not a fan of the fact that he said my penis is leading me to hell, but my car hasn’t been broken into since he came around. So that’s cool,” said neighbor Josh McKinnon. “He stands on an apple box all day and night shouting at everyone that walks by that his goldfish helps him decapitate evil, and spirits are in an eternal battle over the destination of their soul, which is weird. But if it keeps the porch pirates away, I’ll take it.”
Experts believe this approach to petty crime control is completely unethical, but they struggle to argue with the numbers.
“Sure, letting him continue to preach in the middle of the street about God speaking through his goldfish may temporarily decrease the neighborhood’s level of non-violent crime, but come on, not cool, guy” argued psychologist Suzy Putz. “Having a God Complex, like Hauser clearly has, is isolating and dangerous, to himself and others, yes. But he’s getting great results. Police records show that petty crime within a two-mile radius fell by 95% ever since he started screaming at all hours of the night.”
At press time, Hauser was whisked away by a team of large male nurses back to the mental health ward.