Giovanni Colatonio, Author at HARDTIMES

Every Trivium Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on November 20, 2023 by Ciara Murphy

If there’s one state you can count on to give you prime quality every time, it’s Florida. From their world renowned tourist attractions to their potent bath salts, the Sunshine State has got it all. This is why it comes as no surprise that the classiest city in all of the Southern states, Orlando, would produce one of America’s greatest modern metal bands. Crack open a Gatorade and start thinking about dragons because we are about to definitively rank every Trivium album.

10. What the Dead Men Say (2020)

Much like the year of its release, this album starts off great (we’re looking at you flawless transition from “IX” into “What The Dead Men Say”) but ends pretty underwhelmingly. Sure, there are some bangers on here, but there isn’t really enough mythological lore to keep us interested. If we have to pick the worst Trivium album (and we don’t really want to), it’s this one. But that can only mean things get bigger and better from here.

Play it again: “What The Dead Men Say”
Skip it: “Scattering The Ashes”

9. The Crusade (2006)

What this album lacks in metalcore screaming, it makes up for in thrashing guitars and anthemic sing-along moments. It doesn’t feel as “Trivium” as their other albums, hence this low placement. But that doesn’t stop it from shredding. Especially 8-minute 21-second instrumental closer “The Crusade.”

Play it again: “And Sadness Will Sear”
Skip it: “Tread the Floods”

8. Vengeance Falls (2013)

Vengeance Falls starts heavy and stays heavy. Matt Heafy really shows off his vocal range on this album, weaving his silky melodic lyricism through his harsh growling. It is the absolute perfect album to powerwash your driveway to. Don’t believe us? Go to Home Depot right now, rent the power washer (put it on our account) and have at it. You will see we are correct.

Play it again: “Brave This Storm”
Skip it: “At the End of This War”

7. In Waves (2011)

Now when we go back to 2011, we get an album opener that mixes a pretty spooky sounding piano with punching guitars to give us a taste of what is to come on this album. Calling back to some of their earlier releases, “In Waves” treats us to some tasty solos over guttural vocals. A dark album with a dark sound – decadent like a black forest gateaux.

Play it again: “A Skyline’s Severance”
Skip it: “A Grey so Dark”

6. The Sin and the Sentence (2017)

Another album that starts straight in, no kissing to its title track. There’s something ethereal about this one, each track gives the sense that we are stuck in some other world without any hope of escaping. And yet, we’re sort of at peace with it?

Play it again: “Betrayer”
Skip it: “The Heart from Your Hate” (just so you can avoid having it stuck in your head forever)

5. Silence in the Snow (2015)

Some chilling strings to get us started, you can already feel the cold creeping in as this album begins. Theatrical and sludgy, this one is worth the frostbite. You listen to this and all of a sudden you are fighting alongside a thousand other ice-vikings who might be ghosts, over a feud you cannot understand. It feels amazing and you will die for this unknown cause, despite feeling immense guilt over it that forces you to burst into some of the most beautiful songs you have ever sung.

Play it again: “The Ghost That’s Haunting You”
Skip it: “Cease All Your Fire” (but only if you are a warmonger who loves to profit off of innocent bloodshed)

4. Ember to Inferno (2003)

Trivium’s debut album holds up way better than my haircut from 2003. And I thought those frosted tips would live forever. While the boys were still figuring out that delicate balance between screaming and singing in the best way to show off Heafy’s vocals, they managed to create some of their most delicious licks. If your neck isn’t killing you from thrashing your head by track four, you may need to reevaluate your listening methods.

Play it again: “Ember to Inferno”
Skip it: “Requiem”

3. Shogun (2008)

Finally. An album that lets us live out our evil metal mythological ninja fantasies. Like big boys. Shogun f**king rules. The first Trivium album that is really incomparable to any other band – this is the one that really cements their sound.

Play it again: “Torn Between Scylla and Charybdis”
Skip it: We really don’t want to skip any of these but the Florida school system forces you to skip “Of Prometheus and the Crucifix” for fear you might Google any of its meaning.

2. Ascendancy (2005)

Ascendancy features the most stand-out opening piece of all Trivium’s albums, with a melodic piano piece surrounded by the vocalizations of lost souls. The band’s second album doesn’t pull any punches and slaps you over the head with thrash. This is the kind of album that makes you wish you could recreate every part of it with your own talentless hands. But you can’t, so you resort to reviewing it for an online satire magazine instead.

Play it again: Every single morning – this is better than any caffeine hit on God’s green earth.
Skip it: If you want to listen to “In The Court of The Dragon” instead.

1. In The Court of The Dragon (2021)

Listening to this album is the closest thing anyone from Florida can get to owning a VR headset. You close your eyes while playing this and you are THERE – right in the middle of a Roman colosseum with hundreds of your peers cheering for your death while you struggle to fight both the fire-breathing dragon before you and your internal belief systems. Special mention goes to the beautifully tight drumming of Alex Bent on this one. This album is seriously special.

Play it again: “The Shadow of The Abattoir” (for your friends, when they need it)
Skip it: If you don’t have an imagination.

Toddler Prefers Bluey’s Earlier Work

Posted on November 20, 2023 by Colleen Nerney

HARRISBURG, Penn. – Local toddler and diehard “Bluey” fan Collette Winston-Bradford expressed immense displeasure with the newer songs by the beloved animated dog, sources picking damp Cheerios up off the floor report.

“I don’t know, the older stuff really just does it for me more. The upbeat compositions, jazzy yet soothing instrumentation, wholesome and straightforward lyrics… it’s a lot more sophisticated than this new shit,” said Winston-Bradford while throwing a shoe into the rearview mirror. “This ‘Dance Mode’ garbage is far too mainstream for my taste. It feels like a mockery of what made Bluey tick, you know? It’s like going from Michigan-era Sufjan to fucking Avicii. I get that everyone needs to change and evolve their sound or whatever, but this is soulless pandering to the radio-friendly overlords.”

Colton’s father Jorin Bradford is increasingly exasperated with his child’s emotional reaction to the show.

“I’m at my wits end here,” Bradford said while sneaking a hit of his vape and hoping his wife didn’t notice. “Colie loves ‘Bluey.’ She demands that I play the theme song every time we get into the car, and I pretty much have the episodes on a 24/7 loop on the iPad. But now every time I play an episode from the last like, six months, she absolutely loses her mind screaming and crying. I don’t really know what this means. There’s a distinct possibility that my kid is somehow already a culture snob at the ripe old age of two.”

Pediatrician and behavioral expert Dr. Madison Klein weighed in on the situation.

“I see this sort of attitude shift all the time with my patients,” Klein said while gesturing to several photos of screaming toddlers hanging on her wall. “A kid gets hooked on a fairly decent show, and it becomes their whole life, only to disappoint them as both they and the subject matter mature. With children like Collette, I have to assume this is a learned behavior, since his father has been complaining about ‘this new dogshit AFI’ since roughly 2001.”

At press time, Winston-Bradford was seen posting a scathing review of “Dance Mode” to Baby Pitchfork.

Depressed Man Doesn’t Even Pretend to Wash Hands in the Bathroom Anymore

Posted on November 19, 2023 by Zachary Wolf

PUEBLO, Colo. – Local downer Henry Bergen recently stopped going through the motions of pretending to wash his hands after using the bathroom, according to sources who are now extremely grossed out.

“I don’t even know why I bothered to do it in the first place, everything we do is just a waste of time until we eventually die alone,” said Bergen during a shower that lasted nearly two hours. “Normally after I pee I run the water for 30 seconds in case anyone is listening, and I’ll time it by washing and rinsing my hands in my head. But, lately, no matter how hard I try I can’t come up with a single positive thought. Nothing that will make me happy in the near or distant future. Plus I’m pretty sure all of my loved ones only put up with me because they’re too polite to tell me how worthless I am. I should just dig a hole in the woods and stop dragging everyone down.”

Bergen’s mother Cassandra Bergen-Hatch says his ailment runs in the family.

“Oh yes, the Bergen family migrums,” said Bergen-Hatch as she browsed Tinder. “Henry’s father suffered from them as well. It got so bad that Larry wouldn’t even wash the dishes between meals. He’d just plop his food onto crusty plates and shovel it down with his bare hands. He only owned one pair of socks the whole time we were together too. Larry left us when Henry was just a boy, so Henry didn’t get too much advice from his dad. But whenever Henry spirals into a vicious self-loathing depression that lasts for weeks on end, I know that father and son are closer than ever.”

Mental health and depression expert Alejandro Fulmer isn’t surprised by Bergen’s behavior.

“Even men with great mental health are fucking disgusting,” relayed Fulmer while picking his teeth with a still-attached hang nail. “They struggle with rudimentary grooming habits on a good day, and as soon as something challenges their fragile little world it all falls apart. Why do you think so many guys have beards? It’s a great way to get compliments for doing literally nothing, which in many ways makes it the ideal male activity.”

At press time, Bergen admitted he had also given up on wiping after bowel movements.

Arguing Over Which Metal Bands Belong to Which Subgenre Now Recognized as Own Metal Subgenre

Posted on November 19, 2023 by Chris Bowen

WEBSTER, N.Y. — Leading music experts unanimously agreed that arguments between fans over which metal bands are considered to be part of which subgenres is now officially recognized as its own subgenre, several keyboard warriors report.

“Finally, a metal subgenre I can fully wrap my head around,” local metalhead Todd Bessemer exclaimed. “I can’t play an instrument or write a song to save my life, but I sure as hell can debate with the best of them about which bands are death-thrash and which are black death-thrash. I should be headlining Maryland Deathfest in no time just discussing the differences on stage. All those years of practicing on The Metal Archives pages is finally paying off.”

Metal guitarist Garrett Hamilton is considering dabbling in the new genre.

“I’ve been playing metal for a while now, but I think it might be time to put down the guitar, and hop on this new subgenre train before it gets flooded with posers,” Hamilton said, adding that he had considered starting a metal side project in this specific subegenre. “I mean, being a lifelong metalhead, I’ve definitely got some arguing practice in. And I feel now’s the time to let the ignorant masses know that old Sepultura is death metal and not thrash. Someone needs to teach these newbies.”

According to scene veteran Corey “Snake” Wilson, the newly discovered subgenre isn’t the only obnoxious thing about metal that is becoming more and more popular.

“Being a part of the metal scene is 100% more than just the music. It’s about the level of obscure bands you know, who looks the coolest in leather pants, and who can pull off a ridiculous looking mustache the best,” Wilson explained through his large, Civil War-style general mustache. “That’s why being a poser has actually become a genre in of itself. Yup, there are bands popping up all over who just stand there with their ‘St. Anger’ era Metallica shirts and pose on stage for a whole set. It drives elitists mad, and that’s why I love it.”

At press time, many of the leading artists in the burgeoning new subgenre have already had their work reissued on triple 180 gram vinyl box sets.

What To Do When Your Shithead Teen Discovers Nietzsche

Posted on November 19, 2023 by S.L. Neechski

It happened again. You had an argument with your child. But this time, something was different. Instead of the usual concise vitriol from them like “I hate you” and “I can’t wait for my emancipation to be approved,” your child was speaking in nonsense aphorisms and dense, ostentatious paragraphs.

And when you squint and ask your child why they’re speaking that way, they say the one word that haunts every parent and every Poli-Sci professor: Nietzsche.

Fear not. Here’s what you do to (hopefully?) avoid your teenager from becoming an über-douche.

1. Counter Nietzsche’s writing style
Remind your child that just because Friedrich Nietzsche—or really any philosopher—writes in dense, erudite prose doesn’t mean he’s right or even has a point. Explain to your argumentative teen that speaking in seemingly clever maxims doesn’t lower or even address their douchiness. After all, a hyperliterate shithead is still a shithead. Just look at Sam Harris.

2. Explain that Nietzsche destroyed music criticism as a respectable profession
If your quarrelsome teen likes music and/or music criticism, point out that Nietzsche made it impossible to be taken seriously as a music writer. He wrote an entire essay discussing Richard Wagner’s work in which he pioneered the pretentious music critic aesthetic and made goddamn certain that “pretentious music critic” would forever be redundant. What an asshole.

3. Bring up that fucking mustache
Show your polemic child a picture of Nietzsche. Seriously, his mustache is sarcastically over-the-top. It’s a hairpiece sitting above his lip. It’s the douchiest thing about him, and he wrote an entire book with chapter titles like “Why I Write Such Good Books” and “Why I Am A Destiny.” His mustache screams, “I ride a unicycle to work, deal with it.”

4. If all else fails: Reductio ad Hitlerum
It’s a cheap but effective ploy: tell your pugnacious offspring that Nietzsche was German and might’ve inspired the Nazis. Use their reaction as a barometer. If your child rejects him, there’s still a chance your kid will turn out alright. If your child embraces him, you made a huge mistake somewhere as a parent and you’re kinda fucked.

Ten Underrated Albums From Roadrunner Records to Listen to While You Pretend to Train for a Marathon

Posted on November 19, 2023 by Scott Waldman

Nickelback (yes, that Nickelback), Slipknot, Turnstile, Theory of a Deadman, and various other rock and roll for your body, heart, soul and MySpace acts that we haven’t mentioned here are WAY too large to be underrated, so they won’t be listed here in this piece highlighting the ten most underrated albums from Roadrunner Records. Founded in the Netherlands, where rock, and particularly metal, still reigns supreme, in 1980, Roadrunner Records annihilated the late-90s and early-aughts with BLOCKBUSTER (wow, what a difference) releases in the heavy but not morbidly obese world. The proof is in the pudding as the label is now a division of Warner Music Group, which also owns Elektra Records, Reprise Records, Atlantic Records, and not freaking Victory Records.

Biohazard “Urban Discipline” (1992)

Let’s start this Roadrunner Records underrated piece with the oldest release to be listed here, in the year of our lord known as 1992, which was just one short year after grunge infiltrated the earth and killed hair metal dead: Biohazard’s second studio album “Urban Discipline” is for sure extremely revered by the underground, but even many mainstream metal and punk heads have never heard this multi-genre hardcore masterpiece, and we’re here to change that! Critics from inferior publications certainly agree with us, because we’re always right, and this nearly hour length LP doesn’t let up till the very end, and pummels you consistently throughout all of its fourteen tracks. Fun fact: Your favorite punk band unless it isn’t, Bad Religion, gets the NYHC approved Biohazard treatment on track twelve of “Urban Discipline” with a guttural cover of the opener to their classic “How Could Hell Be Any Worse?”

Creeper “Sex, Death & the Infinite Void” (2020)

We’re forever scratching our heads at the bitter truth of Creeper being SO MUCH bigger in their home country of England than they are stateside, especially with the major resurgence of My Chemical Romance, but that’s what makes horse racing. If you wanted to hear Gerard Way if he sang on David Bowie’s “Aladdin Sane,” complete with superstar makeup, check out Creeper’s second full-length studio album “Sex, Death & the Infinite Void” for so much more than an ampersand. Honestly, if the record was track four, “Cyanide,” repeated sixteen times exactly the freaking same, this hell of a LP would still be listed here and all of your friends agree, unless they don’t. A 2020s glam revival would rule so much, fam!

The Dresden Dolls “Self-Titled” (2003)

The Dresden Dolls released their perfect self-titled debut via the aptly named 8 ft. Records in 2003, and Roadrunner Records snagged the band shortly after, and re-released this record just one year later from Boston’s dark cabaret to end all dark cabaret duos. Even though The Dresden Dolls eventually supported the then-rising Panic! at the Disco stateside on a run for its also fantastic follow-up LP “Yes, Virginia,” the stars were aligned for global domination, but sadly the band never rose to the heights of the young exclamation point group that eventually removed such for album #2 and then added it back for effort #3, and even drew confused apathetic blank stares at the shows on the tour. Still, this is a cult favorite for those in the know, and it is showcased by frontwoman Amanda Palmer’s solo success after the fall of DD, but not designated drivers.

Glassjaw “Worship And Tribute” (2002)

Even though, to sound like a true Long Islander, post-hardcore godfathers Glassjaw publicly talked shit about all things Roadrunner Records, their sophomore LP “Worship and Tribute,” likely the most popular record on this underrated album list, deserves an amplitude of, err, worship and tribute here, as it was a strong influence for many mid-aughts aggressive rock bands, but not successful enough to adequately infect the mainstream. Sadly, because of an unhealthy combination of life, liberty, the pursuit of sadness, and deplorable accents, it would be their last full-length for fifteen years, showcasing that the band consisted of pigs stuck in the mud, suffering from a combination of cosmopolitan blood loss and upset tummies from ingesting pink roses… As BMTH said, “Whatever and ever AmEN!”

Highly Suspect “The Midnight Demon Club” (2022)

Highly Suspect’s fourth full-length studio album, “The Midnight Demon Club” is their first effort for Roadrunner Records, and some may think it is off-brand for the label, but we just want to say that we love its multifaceted blend of alternative, blues, grunge, and not klezmer. In addition, this record is the newest one to be listed here, so if you think that 2022 is current, check it out, and if you’re looking for a throwback, do the same, you wild-eyed sons and daughters! Cape Cod is not just for trust fund brats, even worse accents than Long Islanders, Wade Boggs, and fried clams, y’all! The Grammy Awards committee agrees with us because we’re right, and showcased such with a Highly Suspect, but not highly sus, nomination for Best Rock Album at the Grammy Awards for their 2015 debut “Mister Asylum.”

Kemuri “Little Playmate” (1997)

Easily, and by FAR the most underrated and unknown entry here, and we mean such with zero hyperbole whatsoever, Japanese ska-punk act Kemuri released a pretty much flawless late-90s third wave record, their debut LP “Little Playmate,” that likely (wait for it, wait for it) got lost in translation. If you spot this one in any bargain bins, and you likely will, we implore you to purchase it and find a CD player to listen to it on, as most cars and computers this day and age don’t even contain an outlet for playing such. Japan was a hotbed for Warped Tour sounding bands like Hi-STANDARD, Potshot, Yellow Machinegun, and Styx, and Kemuri managed to stand out via their incredible horn section, fun sound, and catchy, catchy melodies.

Marmozets “The Weird And Wonderful Marmozets” (2014)

We love it good when a band has its own name in its own album title. Bingley, yes Bingley, West Yorkshire’s Marmozets released two full-lengths that elevated ‘em to mainstage festival status in England, but only in ratty clubs in the USA; wtf. Their debut “The Weird and Wonderful Marmozets” is a thirteen track LP that was favorably reviewed all over the world, and subsequently never lets up till the last second of closer “Back to You,” which should cause you to move, shake, hide, and write witticisms on our social media pages like, “They have more than one song?”.

Shelter “Mantra” (1995)

Shelter’s first album for Roadrunner Records, and second oldest LP listed here, “Mantra,” is and was a Krishnacore, yes Krishnacore, masterpiece brought to you by Connecticut hardcore legends Ray Cappo, John Porcelly of Youth of Today, a band that isn’t just a t-shirt with posi lyrics, Adam “I Have A Pretentious Last Name” Blake, and Dave “I Bet You Can’t Pronounce My Last Name Correctly” Dicenso. On an unexpected and friendly note, the band covered The Beatles’ classic “We Can Work It Out” on the Brazilian and reissued bonus tracks for “Mantra,” and while you can’t find said song on Spotify, you can do so on YouTube.

Spineshank “The Height of Callousness”

Speaking of underground two-tone 1982 favorites The Beatles, even though the predecessor to this album, Spineshank’s debut LP, “Strictly Diesel,” contained a sick cover of Dhani “I Know Jeff Lynne” Harrison’s classic “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” that doesn’t feature renowned douchecanoe racist Eric “Why Do I Hate Black People Even Though I Bastardize The Blues” Clapton on “lead” guitar, “The Height of Callousness” deservedly gets its superb smelling flowers here, and is honestly one of the better nu metal efforts from the early-aughts. Want proof? They recorded said record at the most butt rock named studio of all time, Vancouver, Canada’s Mushroom Studios.

Young the Giant “Self-Titled” (2010)

This article and the game of life are both too short to even care at all, and it’s a competition between the aforementioned Highly Suspect and Irvine’s Young the Giant as to whether the former band or the latter is more hipstery. Spoiler alert: It’s YTG by a jake. Despite the fact that this self-titled debut LP went gold, it is still not widely known as a Roadrunner Records release, and thus technically underrated here; we don’t make the rules but your body, side, apartment, and trust funds sure do! Every little thing Young the Giant does is magic, and even your least favorite vegan and ours known as Morrissey even sang this album’s praises, proving to the world that people can in fact get off of their own lawn to go to the local CVS Pharmacy for cough syrup. God may have made man, but Roadrunner Records elevated YTG.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Watching George Santos Peel A Banana With His Feet On OnlyFans

Posted on November 19, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

Without music, many of our lives would be dull and meaningless. Each day would be an endless montage of mundanity with no soundtrack with every banal activity completed in total maddening silence. Sadly, with your taste, this isn’t too far off from your reality even with a backing track. That’s where we come in. Our staff has been meticulously trained to recommend and deliver tracks scientifically designed to pull you from the depths of your own irrelevancy. Without further ado, here are eight tracks we listened to this week that need to hit your boring playlists immediately.

Snail Mail “Headlock – Demo”

Snail Mail’s Lindsey Jordan is considered a sort of wunderkind, having released two instant classic albums while barely cracking into her early twenties. Now, she has given fans an intimate look into her songwriting process with the release of a handful of demos from her sophomore effort ‘Valentine.’ The rough cut of that album’s standout track ‘Headlock’ finds the songwriter toying with ambient drones while never once straying from her inimitable pop sensibilities. If your bedroom EP sounded good and was actually a cohesive body of work, it still might not even come close to Jordan’s nebulous drafts. Keep trying, though. We believe in you.

Better Lovers “Two Alive Amongst the Dead”

Jesus fucking Christ, this band shreds. Knowing full well their debut EP ‘God Made Me An Animal’ left fans absolutely chomping at the bit, Better Lovers released a new single ‘Two Alive Amongst the Dead’ while simultaneously announcing loose plans to begin work on a full-length next year. ‘Two Alive’ continues the EP’s trend of delivering unforgivingly heavy metalcore in satisfyingly condensed arrangements. Try your best not to spin-kick your desk in half within the first ten seconds of the intro. You’ll need that energy for the breakdown.

Donny Benét “Multiply”

Donny Benét is the kind of guy that’ll make you eggs. One of our writers even went as far as to say that this guy would totally make us a Grand Slam style breakfast if we included his dreamy new single ‘Multiply’ in this week’s column. Donny, if you’re reading this, we love the silky sweet sounds of your Yacht Rock slap bass. Please get in touch about the aforementioned Grand Slam style breakfast. You have 24 hours.

Basement Jaxx & 100 Gecs “where’s my head at_”

If you’re one of the seemingly millions of people to catch 100 Gecs on tour recently, you’ve probably been wondering when the hell they were planning to release their remix of Basement Jaxx’s “Where’s Your Head At?” The answer is apparently: a couple of days ago. While the track never strays incredibly far from the original, it will make you think your speakers are broken or your eardrums have ruptured, both of which are likely outcomes of listening to any track by the duo.

Megan Thee Stallion “Cobra (Rock Remix) [feat. Spiritbox]”

In case you missed it – which of course you did, you tasteless nerd – Megan Thee Stallion teamed up with Canadian heavy-metal outfit Spiritbox to deliver a ‘rock remix’ of her new single ‘Cobra.’ The resulting track goes harder than anything has a right to. While the original already features some serious riffage, Spiritbox manages to absolutely obliterate the arrangement placing it firmly in the realm of early aughts nu-metal but, like, good.

Many Eyes “Mystic Cord”

If you aren’t immediately strutting in circles around your living room within the first two beats of this song, call 911 because you might be dead. Keith Buckley’s new project Many Eyes is back with their second single ‘Mystic Cord.’ It’s a barnburner of a track that harkens back to Every Time I Die’s grittier hardcore leanings while still managing to look toward the future. While more straightforward than last-month’s debut single, ‘Revelation,’ ‘Mystic Cord’ still packs a wallop that is sure to bode well for the impending full-length.

boygenius, Ye Vagabonds “The Parting Glass”

In case seasonal depression hasn’t already ripped your fragile psyche apart, boygenius has teamed up with Irish folk duo Ye Vagabonds for an absolutely heartbreaking rendition of the Scottish and Irish traditional ballad “The Parting Glass,” which was famously recorded by Sinead O’Connor in 2002. As part of Phoebe Bridgers’ long-running series of charitable holiday covers, all proceeds from the single will support the Aisling Project, an organization chosen by O’Connor’s estate. If you’re already having a teary afternoon, proceed with caution on this one.

André 3000 “That Night in Hawaii When I Turned into a Panther and Started Making These Low Register Purring Tones That I Couldn’t Control … Sh¥t Was Wild”

In this week’s ‘what the actual fuck?’ news: André 3000, one of the greatest rappers of all time, broke a seventeen-year period of silence – with the exception of a guest spot here and there – to release an album that consists entirely of… ambient drone flute instrumentals. It’s a bold move, and one only he could convincingly make. Perhaps it’s not the album we wanted, but in the hyperchaos of today’s news cycle that pelts us with horror after horror, it might just be the album we need. It’s also a way better pivot than that time you quit your hardcore band to start an alt-country project.

Playlists are hard to make, and we know you’re too defeated by your own taste to search for these songs yourself. That’s why we made a playlist that features all of them, plus a whole shitload more. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

Punk Has Prescription Cigarettes Somehow

Posted on November 19, 2023 by Tim Graham

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local delinquent Christine Pritchard surprised friends and family when she somehow obtained a prescription for cigarettes, according to impressed fellow small-time grifters.

“It wasn’t easy to accomplish,” said Pritchard, singer for punk band Shit Piñata, as she ripped into a carton of Parliament 100s. “I had to do some doctor-shopping until I finally found one cool enough to hear me out. I explained that I’ve got a whole host of psychological issues, and I’ve tried every SSRI out there, but nothing helps me as much as ripping cigs. It calms me right down every time. So a steady, reliable supply of cigarettes would do wonders for my mental health. I don’t have a lot of bread, so I asked the doc if he could get my state-subsidized insurance to foot the bill.”

Dr. Alan Swenson was glad to write the prescription for what he deemed a medical necessity.

“I’ve been criticized by a lot of colleagues, but I remind my sanctimonious, chickenshit peers that there’s precedent for this type of treatment, such as using methadone—an opiate—to control opiate abuse,” said Dr. Swenson while practicing his golf swing. “I did have to exploit some loopholes to get Ms. Pritchard his much-needed medication. My rationale is that for some antisocial personalities, abstaining is not a realistic or safe option, and it’s sometimes better for everyone to keep certain people pacified with their substance of choice. Nicotine happens to be a highly effective medication for my patient’s acute nicotine addiction disorder.”

The unconventional story of medicinal cigarettes has made a splash on Washington’s K Street, where tobacco lobbyists have been working to parlay the case into a payday for their clients.

“Ms. Pritchard’s doctor is a genius,” said Altria lobbyist Kevin Quaid. “Everyone knows that smoking in the US is being attacked on all sides, so we really need creative problem-solvers like Dr. Swenson to think outside the box. Soon after hearing this story, we visited a few legislators and offered them some generous incentives in exchange for just taking a look at our proposal. A short time later, a bill was drafted that would require Medicaid to pay for cigarettes for certain nicotine-addicted individuals. Fingers crossed that it passes, as it’s really a win-win situation for everyone. Mainly for us.”

At press time, Pritchard was reportedly harassing area dentists in an attempt to obtain a prescription for nitrous oxide.

Colorado Judge Says Trump Can Stay on Ballot if He Promises to Be a Good Little Boy

Posted on November 18, 2023 by Alex Kitsinger

DENVER — Colorado Judge Sarah Wallace ruled on Saturday that former President Donald Trump did in fact incite the January 6th insurrection, but can run for president anyway if he pinky-promises to behave himself in the future.

“I think people are really overreacting to this. Insurrection isn’t even that big of a deal, is it? Isn’t that just when you cheat on your spouse? Tons of people do that! I wasn’t even aware that was a crime, to be honest,” said Judge Wallace. “Besides, I made him super-duper hardcore swear to be a good little boy and not break too many more laws. He seems like an overall trustworthy guy to me, and it’s not like anyone would lie in court.”

The former Commander-in-Chief shared his thoughts about the ruling in an exclusive press interview.

“Out of all of the court rulings I have been a part of recently, egged on by Crooked Jack Smith and his cronies, this was the most surprising. And believe me, I know surprises. One time I was hanging out with my buddy Jeff, good guy, big into finance, and he had this giant cake a girl was supposed to jump out of. But she suffocated inside, huge surprise, everyone laughed and ate the cake anyway,” Trump yelled incoherently while sweating through his dress shirt. “But I’m happy with today’s outcome. After all of that video of me riling those guys up, I thought surely I was toast, delicious toast. It makes sense in a way, I am the greatest living man, plenty of people say so. I’d also like to take this opportunity to publicize my drug trade operation, which will begin early next year. It’s not like anyone will stop me!”

Many experts are weighing in on the matter, including first–year law student Dave Newman.

“You know, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable ruling. The third section of the Fourteenth Amendment is really what we need to look at here, and while I haven’t read that far in the textbook yet, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anything about President Trump specifically,” said Newman, who was passed out in his dorm room while wearing a MAGA hat. “Nobody actually knows what all those later amendments say anyway, least of all the courts. If you ask me, we should get to vote for whoever we want to as many times on Election Day as we want, regardless of how many felonies they commit.”

At press time, Rudy Giuliani was seen desperately trying to get his lawsuits moved to Colorado.

20 Songs By The Stooges To Change The Vibe At This Assisted Senior Living Center

Posted on November 18, 2023 by Alex Vlahov

As a new employee at Sunny Horizons, you’ve been warned before: don’t touch the aux cord. There is a pre-programmed radio station for seniors, quietly piping in Bing Crosby and muzak. How fucking sterile, how lame. No wonder everyone at this assisted living center is just sitting around waiting to die! Most of these people have gone into financial ruin just to live here. They deserve a proto-punk adrenaline injection, and this is why you’re blasting The Stooges at 5 p.m. dinner. Move over, Jeopardy: we have a new activity planned with some wild boys from Ann Arbor.

“Loose”

Start off with a choice track from your favorite Stooges album, their sophomore 1970 release ‘Fun House.’This describes the atmosphere you are trying to create, to make things “loose” for the residents. First of all, turn off Fox News. Shake around a few wheelchairs, begin impromptu dance sessions, hand out bongo drums. You’ll have everyone buzzing their Life Alerts in no time.

“Gimme Danger”

Stand on top of the kitchen counter and shout, “Gimme danger, little stranger, and I feel with you at ease.” Groove back and forth to this song from their seminal 1973 album ‘Raw Power’. Tell the senior citizens to kick their slippers aside and meet you on the terrace, you’re fucking taking this to the balcony. Olive the retired teacher in room 216 is screaming and giving finger horns, certainly a good sign.

“Real Cool Time”

No other song encapsulates the spirit you are trying to create. This cut from their 1969 self-titled debut melts faces with an earnest rock purity. Most of the residents were pissed when their kids listened to this music. If anything, the anger will be a fond nostalgia and get their blood pumping again. Stand on the dinner tables and throw catheters out to the growing crowd.

“Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell”

Ask Peggy, the elderly resident from Memphis, “Do you prefer the Iggy mix or the Bowie mix?” They’ll understand what you mean as you run through the corridors spraying IV fluid solution bags against the walls. Take some pudding, start a food fight. This scrappy tune makes you want to jump on the pill cart and scream with furious joy. Free apple juice for all, low-sugar graham crackers for the masses. Marx wrote that, right?

“Wild Love”

If you can’t bring the people to Iggy Pop, bring Iggy Pop to the people. At this point you are definitely shirtless, letting your torso dictate most of the decisions. Luckily you have leather pants in a locker downstairs. Now would be a great time to run down and put those on. Sing the lyrics to yourself, loudly. The elderly love that. Ignore anyone in the lobby staring at you. They’re the squares, the normies. They can’t even name one Stooges album.

“Unfriendly World”

Mix up the playlist with a tune from their latest album, 2013’s “Ready to Die.” It’s a reminder that everyone ages, like fine wine, endowed with gravitas. It is all part of life. Maybe it’s the lyrics or maybe it’s the microdose, but you feel fantastic. Buzzing. You catch yourself contemplating the temporality of life while staring at artificial flowers. How long will these fake yellow flowers be here after you’re gone? Alright, that’s enough. Time to get back to the party.

“Down on the Street”

Blast this loud. The people outside on the sidewalk should hear the yips and growls in the opening of this tune. The dementia care center above you must be rocking so hard right now. Why shouldn’t they? With very few solutions or cohesive public resources, America basically leaves the elderly abandoned or in these expensive bland private care facilities. Fuck that noise. You’re here to show your care by shredding ears and blasting The Stooges for a mile radius.

“Louie Louie”

Get things nice and confusing with this famously nonsensical cover. By now, the tables should be rumbling from this driving rhythm section. Kitchenware is shaking, reading glasses are falling over, dentures are rattling. You are announcing the birth of a new scene, and Wheel of Fortune hasn’t even come on yet.

“We Will Fall”

Dig into this 10-minute long vibe anthem, complete with a droning guitar and chant. Terrify the older residents with the strangeness of this journey. Pro-tip: this acts as a perfect mid-way segue point, as some will want to nap or take their diabetes medication. Bringing the big finish up to full volume should stir any stragglers back into the mix.

“Dirt – Live”

Keep the riffage and experimentation going by pulling from the Live at Goose Lake: August 8th 1970 album. Remind all residents how equal we are with lyrics like “I been dirt, and I don’t care.” Sure, it costs nearly $10K a month to stay here. Sure, the family’s entire savings are going towards this place. But we’re all equal in the end. Dolores in room 324 holds a lit Bic up to the sky, nearly lighting her heavily perfumed blue hair on fire.

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