You finally got a match on your favorite dating app. They’re cute, they seem to have their shit together, and most importantly have agreed to meet up with you for dinner. You spent the day rehearsing little quips and anecdotes to help you seem like a charming person. For hours, you tried on different outfits that accentuate all of your best features. But now that you’re actually on the date, you’ve forgotten what to do with yourself during downtime.
Your date just excused themselves to go to the bathroom, and you’re panicking. Don’t worry, this is a great time to catch up on some music. Death Cab For Cutie is known for their romantic and eloquent songwriting, and they should provide more than enough inspiration to turn a good night into a great night. Here are twenty of their best songs to skim through while you wait for them to get back.
“Champagne From A Paper Cup”
The evening has been going pretty well so far, so while you wait for your fledgling romantic interest to return to the table it might be a good idea to think of some after-dinner plans. You remember you have some dixie cups and a bottle of sparkling Rosé in your trunk for some reason. Maybe a toast to a new relationship is in order.
“All Is Full Of Love”
First impressions are everything, and we can tell by your rosy cheeks that your date has certainly made their mark. You even expressed your love for them moments before they darted to the restroom. Surely, they too feel overwhelmed by your immediate and potent connection. They’re probably just thinking of what to say, and that’s why it’s taking a little longer than usual.
“I Will Possess Your Heart”
Seems that regardless of the reason they scurried off, your date is going to be in there for quite a while. This gives you the perfect opportunity to listen to the album version of ‘I Will Possess Your Heart.’ Considering this one clocks in at almost 9 minutes, you’ll have plenty of time to think about your newfound love. It will also take your mind off the fact that they’ve been gone for nearly fifteen minutes at this point. We’re sure it’s nothing to worry about, though.
“Little Wanderer”
With the incessant bass groove of the previous track firmly in your brain, you’re starting to get a bit concerned with your date’s lengthy absence. This must be how Ben Gibbard felt during his tumultuous marriage with Zooey Deschanel. It’s easy to get in this headspace when things are fresh and uncertain, so let’s give them a few more minutes here before jumping to conclusions.
“The Face That Launched 1000 Shits”
It was probably unwise of us to suggest that you of all people shouldn’t jump to conclusions. That’s on us. Your mind has leapt so far that now you’re thinking maybe that blackhead you couldn’t tame this morning disgusted your date so much that they are having wildly violent diarrhea about it during an otherwise phenomenal evening. You can’t help but feel a little down on yourself.
“No Joy In Mudville”
Granted, it feels incredibly rude for your date to leave you hanging for this long, but one must have empathy for the situation. Whatever’s going on in there can’t be fun. You should be grateful for your own health and the fact you didn’t order the fish.
“Crooked Teeth”
Self-consciousness is an aggressive disease that will devour your entire body if left unchecked. You have left it very unchecked, unfortunately. You pull out your phone to check your reflection in the selfie camera. A tooth you chipped in college glares back at you, becomes sentient and repeatedly tells you that “they’re never coming back, they never even went to the bathroom.” You quickly slide the phone back in your pocket and try to keep your wits about you.
“The Employment Pages”
The waiter seems to be getting pretty impatient with you at this point and you’re not sure how many waters you can order before they ask how you’d like to split the check. You were hoping to pull the whole ‘I forgot my wallet’ trick to get out of paying, but that’s a lot harder to do without your date here to cover. It’s been six months since you were laid off from your last gig. Maybe it’s time to start the job hunt again?
“Good Help (Is So Hard To Find)”
With the waiter out of your hair for a couple of seconds, you stand up and start pretending to look around the table and patting every pocket of your jacket hoping a good samaritan will notice and offer to pick up your tab. Sadly, everyone else in this establishment was planning on doing the same thing this evening.
“Why You’d Want To Live Here”
This reminds you of how selfish city dwellers can be. Clearly you’re in a jam, and seemingly no one wants to notice or care. You think back to your time in rural Pennsylvania. You still have a bar tab open at your favorite haunt there. It’s nearing three thousand dollars, and the owner hasn’t called you in on it once. This may have something to do with the fact that you changed your number when you moved to the big city, but you’d like to think it has more to do with backwoods heart and empathy. Fuck this. You don’t need this date or this town.
“Doors Unlocked And Open”
Not only are you super fired up and dreadfully missing your hometown, you’re really sincerely worried about your date. You’re pretty sure no healthy person takes forty minutes to go to the bathroom. What if something’s going on? If you don’t investigate, your date might find you uncaring and ghost you down the line. You decide to walk down the hallway only to find the bathroom door ajar, and the room itself unoccupied.
“I Will Follow You Into the Dark”
You notice a backdoor that leads into the alley behind the restaurant. Maybe your date got lost and picked the wrong door? You walk out into the alley yelling their name, but no one responds. The plot thickens.
“I’ll Never Give Up On You”
Most people would throw in the towel at this juncture, but not you. You are going to get to the bottom of this. Clearly something has happened here, and it definitely wasn’t related to your date ditching you. You’re thinking of starting a search party, but you figure you’ll check the bar first.
“Your Hurricane”
As you approach the bar, you miraculously find a fifty dollar bill under one of the stools. Your first thought is that maybe your date left it there so you could order drinks while they used the restroom across the street. That makes sense to you after seeing the sorry state of this venue’s facilities. Mystery solved. You promptly order two hurricanes and place your jacket on the stool next to you as the bartender quickly Googles what a hurricane is.
“Here To Forever”
The drinks have been delivered. Now you can relax and wait for the evening to properly begin. You’re filled with a fresh new hope that your date will return soon, which is a nice change from your typical dour emotional state. It’s probably just taking longer because you’re pretty sure the place across the street makes you buy something before you can use their restroom. They should be walking through the door any minute now, which is great because their hurricane is already melting somehow.
“The Sound of Settling”
While waiting, you have been approached by several potential suitors inquiring about your extra garish cocktail. Many were drastically out of your league but still seemed charmed by you. It’s the most you’ve been flirted with in your entire life. You turned all of them away, though, because you want to finish what you started. Like many before you, you have really taken away several positives that were meant to serve as warnings throughout the duration of “The Sound of Settling.”
“Transatlanticism”
It’s been close to an hour since your date vanished, and while you want to be polite, that first drink was so good that you figure you might as well chug down your date’s as well. You can always order more. Only now is it dawning on you that hurricanes have an alarming amount of alcohol in them. You’re spiraling now, and have somehow put ‘Transatlanticism’ on the TouchTunes queue six times in a row. By the time the chorus hits on the fifth play-through, you’ll have switched to the restaurant’s cheapest domestic beer, which will do little to stifle your sobs.
“60 & Punk”
Two hurricanes and six Miller Lites have gotten you to the point where you can fully admit to yourself that your date has absolutely no intention of rejoining you. You’ve been ghosted. You’re a shell of who you once were and you’re only getting older by the second. You order another round after realizing you still had some money on one of your credit cards. You slowly sip another cheap beer and look back on your life to figure out where it all went wrong.
“Stay Young, Go Dancing”
Surely, you can’t wallow in your sorrows forever. You’re also finally drunk enough to convince yourself that you’re good at dancing. You ask the bartender where the hottest club in the city is, and he suggests you order a cab. This is not a reference to the band, but to an actual taxi. You’re starting to make a scene.
“You Can Do Better Than Me”
You keep asking him where you should go in said cab, and he repeatedly says ‘anywhere but here pal.’ It’s at this point you realize there’s no club in existence that can soothe the hurt of being left like this, and any appeal to the contrary will feel like a hollow way of avoiding the truth. You decide the only way forward is to climb up to the top of the bar and sing a verse or two of ‘You Can Do Better Than Me’ before slipping, breaking several pieces of glassware, and getting banned from the restaurant indefinitely. We can’t say we didn’t try to help you here. Better luck next time!
There’s no way this Reaganite square narc would ever go near an electric guitar unless it was to go yell at his son for playing one, in which case he would likely be blasted out the window by a single strum.
Phil is a cop and, that’s it, that’s all we know about him. As a cop he’s down to succumb to substance abuse of some kind at some point, but nothing about the way he’s consistently sort of there in the background occasionally offering an incredulous reaction indicates that grunge music will be a part of it.
This prick will probably be one of the few people to exchange a gifted copy of Nirvana’s “Nevermind” for Michael Jackson’s “Dangerous.”
Dustin’s mom is unlikely to form a grunge band or get into serious narcotics. She might get into Weezer, but like, way after the blue album.
The closest Lt. Sullivan will probably come to being involved in the grunge scene is reading a dossier about how it’s a gateway to communism.
Come the ‘90s, Bob just won’t understand why musicians today need to grow their hair long and play their dang instruments so loud.
Max’s mom won’t be getting into grunge music unless you count Meredith Brooks, which she does.
There’s no way a cruel socialite bully like Angela would ever start a cool grunge band and die of a heroin overdose. Angela will launch an unsuccessful pop career and die of a heroin overdose.
Calvin is unlikely to start a band, he’s far too busy giving everyone the side eye and shaking his head disapprovingly.
She’s not musically inclined but she will be pulling strings behind the scenes getting anti-corporate musicians strung out on drugs as part of a government PSYOP so you can say she’s in the scene.
It’s extremely difficult to imagine this aged secretary starting a grunge band and getting into hard drugs. Florence’s grunge band will have more sense than that.
Billy will never mature beyond glam and hair metal. It doesn’t matter if it’s the ‘80s, ‘90s, or 2099 he’s still going to be rocking that hair and that earring in his bitchin Camaro scoring with milfs.
If Eleven’s mom ever recovers from her coma she’s likely going to be ready for some peace and quiet. You don’t wind up in an MKUltra splinter cult without having a pretty wild life,
As an unstoppable Russian killing machine a la The Terminator, grunge is too soft for Grigori. He’ll probably become a statesman of the Industrial scene and die of liver failure from too much Redbull.
In the grunge era a man could skirt by with hollow, fully performative respect for feminism and still be considered pretty cool, but this chauvinistic newsman can’t even muster that.
Opportunistic, two-faced, and Machiavellian, Carol does give off some Courtney Love vibes, but she’s just not competent enough to make things happen for herself. She might get all the way up to sleeping with Billy Corgan but ultimately fail to utilize his connections.
Bullies start bands, it’s just a fact of life. Thankfully they also fuel the delusion that their band will be the next Alice in Chains with cocaine and die off.
The grunge aesthetic will lure Dmitri in because it reminds him of where he came from—a filthy Russian prison harboring a monster.
From his first sip of cherry Slurpee, Alexi fell in love with the American way of life. Once grunge permeates mainstream culture, he’ll be all in.
He’s an oldster with an important stuffy job, but he definitely gives off the vibe of a guy who delights in telling people “You know, I play a little.”
Ever notice the striking similarities between all the scenes of these psychic kids wreaking havoc in the lab and the Pear Jam “Jeremy” video?
He probably won’t start a grunge band, but he’ll surely wind up supplying contraband to lots of them. It’s only a matter of time before that lifestyle catches up to him and he nods off in his smuggler’s plane mid-flight.
Obviously, we’re taking some liberties with the living status of a lot of these characters, but Barb’s defining attribute is that she’s dead. As such, she won’t be starting any bands or overdosing on any drugs, but her story is a Hawkins legend. She’s sort of like their Francis Farmer. There will definitely be a Hawkins-based band called “What About Barb” at some point, and that band is bound to lose at least a drummer to drug use, so she gets an honorary spot.
Under the influence of the mind flayer, she and her boyfriend killed her parents and took off into the night. Kind of reminds us of the art from Sonic Youth’s “Goo.”
Guys like Tommy spend their whole lives trying to feel as cool as they felt in High School. He’ll start a grunge band but probably won’t even book a gig before the drugs turn him into the man in the box.
Mike Myers likes heavy radio rock, but likes to “pit” so will go with you to a show and push people around and then request they push him back. We all need this guy for “nights off.”
BP is a pompous ass who always’ welcomes new women to the scene. Everyone knows he’s a dirtbag and that his main goal is to use his position to manipulate women into sleeping with him. Every scene is chock full of this asshole.
While being a savage beast, and kicking it old school definitely makes him prime for your local hXc scene, this swamp redneck is basically nothing more than a horror movie supergroup.
The only thing I know about these guys is that they’re posers. Listen, it’s a fine movie. But these aren’t zombies. They starve to death and dead things don’t starve. These guys have the ‘rage’ virus. I had that virus once. It wasn’t that bad.
Now anyone who has seen “Shocker” knows that HP is a glam metal guy, but he still has the heart of a NYHC guy. I mean he is a criminal.
With his fascination with kids, you would think Ole’ Ratty Sweater would be into Pop Punk. Nope. He’s a hardcore kid. Whenever he isn’t wearing a fedora he reaches for one of those mosh caps and owns multiple pairs of camo shorts.
At heart Ghostface is a midwestern emo kid. Everyone who has donned the mask is pretty whiney about basic life shit. But rather than get therapy they use violence. Boom..NYHC.
You only have one chance to make your first album, and you certainly only have one to create a debut via a huge conglomerate, especially in the current musical climate. Motionless in White released their first three LPs on Fearless Records between 2010-2014. After the success of said trifecta, and particularly “Reincarnate,” their last for Fearless, Motionless in White looked for whiter pastures and signed with Roadrunner Records, which is the current home to truly huge rock acts Coheed and Cambria, Turnstile, Gojira, and Seal, and the band has released three records there as of now as well. Sadly, their first for Roadrunner is “Graveyard Shift,” which is good, but as we know, good is the enemy of great. Still, they climbed the ladder with their two follow-ups.
It seems like every album in the early to mid-2010s with a healthy yet caloric combination of growling and saccharine was produced by Florida man, but not “Florida Man,” Andrew Wade, and if you want proof, go to his Wikipedia page, and quickly count his production credits from 2010-2014, which include his boyz in A Day To Remember, the girlz in Eyes Set to Kill, the nu-metal dancers in Issues, and hardcore act Bachman-Turner Overdrive; spoiler alert, you can’t count that high and we have proof because you’re reading this. Anyway, “Creatures” is a hell of a debut, but an immaculate misconception is that it is MIW’s finest. It’s not, and we hope that that hypothesis perishes; it dies today. Debuting at #6 on the Billboard Heatseeker Chart is no small feat, especially given that it was the band’s first LP, so let’s give the band Winona Ryder’s designer clothes.
Broadcasting from Earth’s core: “Disguise” is Motionless in White’s sophomore and second-best Roadrunner Records release. It’s a great listen front to back and contains their biggest publicly streamed song on Spotify with “Another Life,” which at present day contains 143,538,421 listens, supplanting the band’s legacy in heavy rock and roll forever, and unintentionally means a better existence thanks to a mega improvement from its predecessor, “Graveyard Shift.” We know that you MIW haters are grasping for straws, holding onto smoke, and are soaked in a headache with a brand new numb after hearing this stat, but we implore you to suck it and/or bow down to the blank colored lack of movement. Fun fact, the 2021 Special Edition version of “Disguise,” which came out two years after the original version was released, contains a sick, sick, sick cover of The Killers’ new-wave manifesto “Somebody Told Me”.
Opening “Reincarnate” with one of the band’s better songs known as “Death March” showcased that Motionless in White was not a makeup wearing, silly, solely image-based unsubstantive act sans quality. Not. By. A. Longshot. Furthermore, the album’s producer Dan Korneff really brought out the best in the group in every which way. In addition, this particular MIW record had features from Dani Filth of Cradle of Filth, Maria Brink of In This Moment, Dessa Poljak of Silencio, and black metal king The Big Bopper. In closing, this record debuted at #1, yes #1, on Billboard’s Rock album charts.
“Infamous,” Motionless in White’s second full-length LP, is FAR from a sophomore slump, likely your favorite MIW album, famous, and is also Fearless Records’ most superior MIW release. If you thought that MIW was too metalcore, crabcore, hardcore, or coral with their debut “Creatures,” this one is an abandonment of said four genres and hearkens more to the “Family Values Tour” than “Warped Tour” in the best way; we still truly love Warped, families, Ozzfest, and Lilith Fair. Now let’s get to the end, which is literally the end of the world; wear a life jacket with garlic to protect you from the vampires that are literally everywhere.
We must admit that it is extremely rare for ANY band with a six album catalog or more to peak with their newest effort, as fans typically vouch for an act’s debut no matter how low quality it is and by any means necessary, but “Scoring The End Of The World” inarguably takes the gold medal spot here, and thus we list no “skip it” tracks below; non-hollow points. 2022 was a great and underrated year for rock, not you, red, werewolves, white, Motionless in White, and Vengaboys’ legacy which contains the sterling chorus that tells its fans, “Boom, boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room.” What’s craziest about this album is that Motionless in White is now officially a mainstream rock band, pissing off For Today yesterday, err, today, and tomorrow.
