DENVER — Colorado Judge Sarah Wallace ruled on Saturday that former President Donald Trump did in fact incite the January 6th insurrection, but can run for president anyway if he pinky-promises to behave himself in the future.
“I think people are really overreacting to this. Insurrection isn’t even that big of a deal, is it? Isn’t that just when you cheat on your spouse? Tons of people do that! I wasn’t even aware that was a crime, to be honest,” said Judge Wallace. “Besides, I made him super-duper hardcore swear to be a good little boy and not break too many more laws. He seems like an overall trustworthy guy to me, and it’s not like anyone would lie in court.”
The former Commander-in-Chief shared his thoughts about the ruling in an exclusive press interview.
“Out of all of the court rulings I have been a part of recently, egged on by Crooked Jack Smith and his cronies, this was the most surprising. And believe me, I know surprises. One time I was hanging out with my buddy Jeff, good guy, big into finance, and he had this giant cake a girl was supposed to jump out of. But she suffocated inside, huge surprise, everyone laughed and ate the cake anyway,” Trump yelled incoherently while sweating through his dress shirt. “But I’m happy with today’s outcome. After all of that video of me riling those guys up, I thought surely I was toast, delicious toast. It makes sense in a way, I am the greatest living man, plenty of people say so. I’d also like to take this opportunity to publicize my drug trade operation, which will begin early next year. It’s not like anyone will stop me!”
Many experts are weighing in on the matter, including first–year law student Dave Newman.
“You know, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable ruling. The third section of the Fourteenth Amendment is really what we need to look at here, and while I haven’t read that far in the textbook yet, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anything about President Trump specifically,” said Newman, who was passed out in his dorm room while wearing a MAGA hat. “Nobody actually knows what all those later amendments say anyway, least of all the courts. If you ask me, we should get to vote for whoever we want to as many times on Election Day as we want, regardless of how many felonies they commit.”
At press time, Rudy Giuliani was seen desperately trying to get his lawsuits moved to Colorado.