HARRISBURG, Penn. – Local toddler and diehard “Bluey” fan Collette Winston-Bradford expressed immense displeasure with the newer songs by the beloved animated dog, sources picking damp Cheerios up off the floor report.
“I don’t know, the older stuff really just does it for me more. The upbeat compositions, jazzy yet soothing instrumentation, wholesome and straightforward lyrics… it’s a lot more sophisticated than this new shit,” said Winston-Bradford while throwing a shoe into the rearview mirror. “This ‘Dance Mode’ garbage is far too mainstream for my taste. It feels like a mockery of what made Bluey tick, you know? It’s like going from Michigan-era Sufjan to fucking Avicii. I get that everyone needs to change and evolve their sound or whatever, but this is soulless pandering to the radio-friendly overlords.”
Colton’s father Jorin Bradford is increasingly exasperated with his child’s emotional reaction to the show.
“I’m at my wits end here,” Bradford said while sneaking a hit of his vape and hoping his wife didn’t notice. “Colie loves ‘Bluey.’ She demands that I play the theme song every time we get into the car, and I pretty much have the episodes on a 24/7 loop on the iPad. But now every time I play an episode from the last like, six months, she absolutely loses her mind screaming and crying. I don’t really know what this means. There’s a distinct possibility that my kid is somehow already a culture snob at the ripe old age of two.”
Pediatrician and behavioral expert Dr. Madison Klein weighed in on the situation.
“I see this sort of attitude shift all the time with my patients,” Klein said while gesturing to several photos of screaming toddlers hanging on her wall. “A kid gets hooked on a fairly decent show, and it becomes their whole life, only to disappoint them as both they and the subject matter mature. With children like Collette, I have to assume this is a learned behavior, since his father has been complaining about ‘this new dogshit AFI’ since roughly 2001.”
At press time, Winston-Bradford was seen posting a scathing review of “Dance Mode” to Baby Pitchfork.