NEW YORK — Former bully-turned-bouncer Terry Gallagher found himself fighting the urge to administer atomic wedgies to everyone at a recent They Might be Giants performance, meek and pimply sources confirmed.
“I’ve got a ton of regret about the way I acted growing up. So I try to make up for it by doing things like spotting dweebs struggling on the squat rack, refraining from using a gay slur when I see a dork eating seitan, and saying ‘thank you.’ But this recent gig really pushed the limits of my reformed bullydom,” said Gallagher. “Based on the number of glasses and ill-fitting t-shirts, you would have thought this was a near-sighted convention. Then the band comes on stage with a freakin’ accordion and starts singing about birdhouses and Istanbul and shit. I have no idea how I managed to restrain myself as long as I did before breaking down.”
They Might Be Giants fan and show attendee Wanda Cooke was one of the first to notice Gallagher’s odd behavior.
“Usually when I’m at a show, the bouncer remains stoic and keeps an eye on the crowd. But this one guy spent the whole time pacing back and forth and pounding his fist into his palm. At one point we made eye contact and he whispered something about meeting me ‘at the baseball field after study hall,’” said Cooke. “Initially I thought it was part of the show, but then later I saw him mechanically administering swirlies to weirdly complacent fans in a bathroom stall, one right after the other. The show attendees just stood there and took it like a fight or flight thing.”
Psychologist Dr. Yunus Coffey spoke about working with adolescent bullies like Gallagher.
“It can be difficult for now-adult bullies to acclimate themselves to life ‘on the outside.’ Once, they were top of the food chain in the cold and uncaring public school system, and now they find themselves serving meals, driving, or even protecting their smarter and more successful classmates,” said Coffey. “This is why I help bullies integrate into adult society. And if that doesn’t work, I encourage them to become police officers, where they can continue their wanton abuse and violence without any retribution whatsoever.”
At press time, Gallagher declared himself an honorary nerd after finding himself inexplicably tapping his toes to the song “Don’t Let’s Start.”
Sure, ideal as a primordial symbol of a welcoming backdoor, but beware the red coloring. See: inflammation. This is a call to get yourself tested. There is discounted fun beyond the giant cement spheres outside, but at what cost? Ask friends before getting near this infected opening, the bullseye of irresponsible good times.
The giant yellow tag here has a smaller opening at an odd end, but you can make it work. In fact, most people use the phrase “a smaller opening at an odd end” to describe your genitals, so all-in-all this consummation is a win. You appreciate the tilted angle, helpful for the natural curve and rhythmic maneuvering needed for insertion. No “Geek Squad” here! Just a proud American fucking the Best Buy logo.
Rugged and choppy, sex with this logo is more granola. There is a real danger of harming yourself on the many jagged points and slants. Roughing it works for some, but this is too much. Like sex outdoors, the idea of this is more appealing than the execution. Maybe you can do something funky with that tree, though.
America’s richest family has developed a logo that is incredibly easy to enter. A gaping wide, loose hunk of a vulvic or “rear end” entrance. Dive your entire body into this one, find the pleasure center of Sam’s Club. The blue in the logo is like the blue of the ocean, like diving into a majestic vagina of consumer discounts.
This entry in some ways writes itself. You can sit on one of the tall letters, or hope to get teabagged by the flying 3-D logo. If anything, the logo is too assuming, “in your face.” You like seduction to be coy, prolonged, not just balls flying all over willy-nilly. Plus, the all-capital font in white? Someone needs to work on their subtlety, and that someone might be Dick.
Plenty opportunities for sex here, with the modest fig leaf on top courting a playful touch. A generous offering of openings, lots of “O” action grouped together, inviting your warm body implanted into those lovely grouped orifices. Sex with the Whole Foods logo, like shopping at Whole Foods itself, is expensive. Be prepared for self-important fine dining of a dubious “organic” nature, plus lots of conversation in bed about sustainability.
The confident “K.” Yeah, you wanna fuck that “K.” It’s the last letter of “fuck.” It’s the lustful plosive kick at the end of that perfect word. A punchy end. Almost an orgasm itself. Fill your world with pleasure to the very brim, with Kmart. There’s not a lot you can do the big red “K,” but you can get up in between those angles for a long, loving night.
Once again, the name is doing a lot of the work here. Somewhat spiky check mark, not the best for insertion. This is an “all foreplay” logo. Try to achieve double penetration with the uppercase “B.” Sidenote: is there a sexier letter than an uppercase “B?” You’ve been banned from multiple Bed, Bath and Beyond locations for this very reason, left off this list since their logo is simply too irresistible (also, bankruptcy).
Askance angles are recommended for approaching this logo in an amorous, lusty fashion. Perhaps stretch first, get yourself limbered up. Discretion is advised given the already loud, high visibility of their hot orange. Think about the endless nights with those curved crevices, the reliability of that box stencil font. Nustle in the burly square that is the Home Depot logo. (
Much like the Sybian sex machine you purchased to spice up your life, riding this logo in reverse cowgirl is ideal. This is a logo that will make you breakfast in the morning. Look at those tight corners and that morning-wood chub bump on top. Lowe’s, simply irresistible. You spend dark lonely nights thinking of this, your favorite Home Improvement Warehouse.
What’s inside that cup? You know what’s inside that cup. Let the curly ribboned font slip around your body like an eel. Let the logo’s labia fly. You’re at Walgreens. Romance runs wild. The cursive implies an old-fashioned lovemaking, perhaps furtive and frank, but considerate and tender. Fuck the Walgreens logo how your grandparents would’ve fucked the Walgreens logo: with appreciation, a dollop of patriotism and a helping of humility.
You live for that curve on the “L.” You think about it night and day. Look at it, just waiting for you to do something up on it. Have a wild night downtown with the Staples logo, question your life choices, get absolutely railed, find paperclips in your canals. At least you know you’re fucking a business professional with office supply hookups.
Are those magic nipples or lost anal beads floating beside the “T?” Either way, the double “X” in the spelling tells you everything you need to know. What a dirty little troublemaker this logo is. This logo will ride you hard and punish you until you scream. You will be fondled and whipped by the multiple legs of the “M.” That is the TJ Maxx way. Maybe do some yoga after.
That little red heart is absolutely double-cheeked up. Or just let the entire logo enter you, penetrate you, deeply. Feel that pressure. If you have any pain, ask the logo itself for advice, famous for its pharmacy section. This CVS logo is 24/7, babe – down for anywhere, down for anytime.
A subtle, feminine, yonic opening. Some say it’s an eyelash or smoke billow, perhaps a whisper or just an “S” but all you see is the divine vagina, from whence we all came. A subtle calling, a slip of an opening. Approach the Sephora logo with tenderness, using all parts of the body for stimulation before embedding yourself. Making love to this logo is like riding on a yacht through the south of France: elegant and over too soon.
Wow, what does that fish mouth do? Look at that gaping maw. Inviting you, beckoning you, daring you. Anyone wearing this hat secretly wants you to engage in “Shape of Water”-adjacent activity. That fish is flying at you, coming for you, ready to chomp, suck, nibble on and glug your body until you burst with pleasure. Definitely have this very conversation next time you see a MAGA-type or Gen Z kid wearing this logo.
Ride those blue stripes all night long. Like the prices never changing, fucking this logo will be a reliable hookup. Frottage would be an option here, rubbing along the long blue rectangles. Like a visit to Costco itself, the sex will be expansive; you’ll end up trying spanakopita and cranberry juice samples while watching the Olympics in 4K.
Once again, another little red star butthole. Right there, next to the word “Macy’s” itself. Sure you can slide around all those smooth serif-free fonts, but if you really wanna make this logo scream, you gotta stick your thumb in there. Better do it soon, though, these Macy’s locations are disappearing faster than endangered rhinos.
Possibly the horniest logo of the bunch. The discreet “logo next door” that secretly is a freak. Look at that unconnected “o” – it can literally change shape and size to fit you. Take the leg off that R, buy it a secret apartment for kinky leather games. Ross won’t judge. Ross will allow you to explore every dimension of your sensuality. The very encouragement in the words “dress” and “less” is all you need to know here.
A big, huggable ball, long enough to lay upon like a chaise-lounge, but round enough to slide around on. Sex here is an easy step-by-step process, much like actual Ikea instructions. Perhaps use the little metal tool that comes with the furniture, for kinky multipurpose exploration. Stay open-minded to new exotic Swedish positions. Like wandering an Ikea itself, you can get lost while fucking this logo, your animal body simply feeling the joy of uninhibited, highly-efficient tantric sex.
The asshole of capitalism. The anus of America. The perfectly puckered yellowbelly bottom of consumer bliss. The ideal taut sphincter of every blue-vested greeter. Beauty, perfect, stunning design. With just a few strokes of the pen, the backside is implied and this booty-hole holds dominance across America. Have fun for hours with this magical entry point. Sure, all of the “Mom and Pop” stores on Main Street are closed thanks to Walmart, plus downtowns are trainwrecks thanks to discounted centralization. But everything is going to be just fine, as long as you can explore this great nation and fantasize about Walmart’s wide yawning yellow rectum.
