GREENE, N.Y. — Amateur conservative pundit Gordon Brock found himself in a predicament when none of his friends or family would let him borrow their pickup truck to aid in his move to a new “bachelor pad” and record a TikTok voicing his criticism of government policies and advocacy for personal freedoms.
“It would be embarrassing for me to scream about woke culture from the inside of my Ford Focus. No one will take me seriously in such a wimpy car. I have dozens of followers looking to hear my take about the crisis at our border, January 6th, and the Trump trial,” Brock explained while trying to move a mattress by himself when no one showed up to help him. “I’d rent a U-Haul but the cabin in those trucks are not conducive to the acoustics I need to tell the truth about Hunter Biden’s laptop.”
Family and acquaintances, however, are weary of loaning Brock their vehicle for any reason.
“Last time I let him use my truck he bent the tailgate trying to move his gun safe and then he spilled C4 energy drink all over the seat when he was gesticulating wildly about DEI policies,” local truck owner Shane Barker said while refusing to answer Brock’s calls. “And somehow a ‘Blue Lives Matter” bumper sticker was randomly placed on my car when he dropped it off, five hours late. It’s not my fault that [Brock’s] credit is so bad no one will sell him a truck.”
Dr. Annette Douglas, Professor of New Media with a focus in Automotive Journalism at Northwestern University, explained that this is an ever-growing issue in conservative media circles.
“The cost of pickup trucks has skyrocketed in the past few years and these so-called reporters are struggling to keep up. For them, the truck is a symbol of their right-wing expertise so they can’t be seen in anything older than a 2016 or, god forbid, a Toyota,” Douglas explained. “Not to mention most of these men are going through a divorce or have been kicked out of their parent’s house because they are 31 and unemployed. So they are constantly needing these trucks to move to basement apartments or grandparents’ attics.”
As of press time, Brock was found to be in a crisis of conscience when a coworker offered to let him use their All-Electric Rivian pickup.