WASHINGTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency announced plans to reschedule marijuana from the strict Schedule I classification to the chiller Schedule III after experiencing a “mind-bending” four-night run of Phish concerts at Las Vegas’ MSG Sphere, stoked sources confirmed.
“Bro, those Phish concerts changed me. That twenty-nine minute ‘Fuego’ jam broke my brain,” said DEA Special Agent Nick Travis. “And those Sphere visuals transported me to another world. I kept turning to my associate Agent Watkins and asking ‘Is this real life?’ as everyone stood there in awe. The trippy visuals were enhanced by what I considered to be a ‘contact high’ and I’m better off for it. At one point they took us to a car wash, crazy stuff. Whatever inspired this gorgeous experience must have value to humanity. I paid seven bucks for a small bag of M&Ms and they were the most delicious morsels I’ve ever consumed.”
Fellow potheads and Phish fans are elated to hear the news of the DEA’s rescheduling and that America’s favorite jam band helped tip the scales in this historical decision.
“If anyone could sway those squares into chillaxing on the bud it’s Phish,” rambled local stoner Grasshopper Jack. “For too long we’ve have to keep an eye out for the pigs while we blaze up during a tasty Gordo bass bomb. But now we can get toasted Page Side Rage Side without being burdened by any paranoia that isn’t the result of smoking hella weed on the daily.”
Legal experts agree that while the rescheduling decision is a big step forward toward justice there is still a significant amount of damage caused by the DEA’s extant policies.
“We have to remember that the DEA’s War on Drugs has resulted in many Americans having criminal records, facing employment discrimination, or still serving prison sentences,” said Criminal Defense Attorney Travis Parks. “While watching Phish melt faces with a thirty-minute ‘Tweezer’ as an immersive display of trippy cars surround you in the most high-tech concert venue of all time is a good reason to get into weed it’s hardly an excuse for the DEA to have spent years ignoring common sense regarding their harsh classification of marijuana.”
“I have plenty of clients who would love to be enveloped by a sea of blissful pixels as Phish plays a Krautrock-inspired ‘Blaze On’ jam at the Sphere but they are currently serving prison sentences because of the DEA,” added Parks.
At press time, the DEA was still refusing to budge on LSD rescheduling despite those psychedelic Dead & Co. shows going down at the Sphere this summer.