Corey Arder, Author at HARDTIMES

We Sat Down With the One Who Got Away and She Turned Out Just as Awful as Us

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Eric Navarro

Life has not gone as planned. When we were in high school we were certain we’d be a famous musician by now, about to settle down with our supportive spouse and start having a family before retiring from music on top of the world and planning our run as a senator. Well today we’re alone, the band didn’t work out, and the closest we ever got to the senate was being asked about our whereabouts on January 6th.

We keep looking back to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. The high water mark was junior year of high school. We had just crushed the yearly talent show and promptly dumped our perfect girlfriend to prepare ourselves for the tidal wave of women who’d be throwing themselves at us until the end of time.

We need to fix our life. The obvious answer is to get our old high school girlfriend back and then everything will be solved! Unfortunately, when we sat down with her at a local Chipotle it just so happens that she turned out as awful as we did.

The Hard Times: Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with us! What have you been up to?
The One That Got Away: Stealing, mostly.

Haha! You were always so funny. We miss that about you.
Huh? No, I mean it’s hard to get hired in retail when all of your past employers fired you for stealing. So for me life is mostly stealing.

Oh. Umm okay. Well you were always so resourceful. And strong too. We’ve been doing great by the way. We’re actually here to casually catch up with you because things are going so well and we wanted to share that news with someone so warm and caring and beautiful. Speaking of that last thing… so uhh what happened?
First of all, you aren’t looking so great yourself. You dress like you never left 2002. As for me, this is what a decade of chainsmoking and raising three kids on your own will do to you. Speaking of which, it’s cool if I smoke in here right?

You smoke in the house, don’t you?
(Lights cigarette)

Hey, remember all those times you came to shows and supported our band? Those were some fun times.
I guess. They weren’t nearly as fun as the semester I spent college. Nothing but cocaine and stealing people’s toothbrushes at parties.

So… any future plans? Tonight even?
Not tonight but I’m spending this weekend with this aging woman who has dementia.

Oh wow! Charity work is extremely important and we’re so proud to hear you’re doing something good with your time!
I couldn’t agree more. I think if I spend a few more weekends with her I’ll be done my mandatory community service AND I think I can convince her I’m her daughter and she’ll leave me some shit when she croaks.

Yeah that checks out.
It’s also super easy to get away with stealing her toothbrush.

Okay so we gotta get out of here. And since you said you’re free tonight, you wanna come with?

Rock Camp Counselor Tells Scary Story About Headless Bass

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Tim Graham

SOUTH HADLEY, Mass. — Freebird Rock n’ Roll Camp counselor Shea Dowd was thrilled to gather his campers around the fire to tell a rock n’ roll ghost story about a headless bass that is said to roam the grounds, according to a bunch of freaked out kids.

“We used to tell regular ghost stories,” said Dowd excitedly, “but the kids seemed bored. At some point we started focusing on rock-themed spooky stories, which worked much better. The biggest hit is the Legend of the Headless Bass. It’s about a bass player who was decapitated in a horrible accident, along with his cherished instrument. When we tell it, another counselor hiding in the woods starts playing the bassline from ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead.’ At the climax of the story, the counselor leaps from the shadows slapping away on a headless Steinberger. The kids just lose their minds.”

Some parents like Helen White are concerned that stories like these are not appropriate for the young campers.

“I sent my daughter to the camp to learn guitar, not to be exposed to Satanism and witchcraft,” said White. “Those stories scare her. She doesn’t need all this evil nonsense, she just wants to be able to play with the country gospel group at church. I shouldn’t have ever let her go to a place associated with that devil music. I wanted to send her to the Christian Country Music Camp, but they had to close it down last year because…well, nevermind why. Rock music is bad, that’s all.”

Cultural anthropologist and folklorist Lester Guest, who has been traveling the country collecting musical ghost stories for an upcoming anthology, weighed in with their expertise.

“Each region I’ve visited has its own flavor of story,” said Guest, leafing through a dusty, leather-bound volume. “For instance, in New Orleans I found a surprising number of tales about haunted trombones. I’ve heard legends of the spirit of Bob Stinson appearing at Minneapolis’ 7th Street Entry, smashing pint glasses and detuning guitars. And In Los Angeles, many of the stories feature Darby Crash’s strung-out ghost asking for change. The Legend of the Headless Bass is a classic East Coast tale, for sure.”

As of press time, Dowd was allegedly narrating the story of a haunted house that was built on top of an ancient Line 6 burial ground.

Opinion: Podcasting Is the Lowest Form of Entertainment Now That I Found Out I’m Not Good at It

Posted on August 18, 2022 by Eric Navarro

Back in the day, we had true entertainers. Our musicians didn’t just hit computer buttons. They played real instruments like guitar and learned all four of the chords. We had actors who studied the craft, not social media “influencers.”. Most importantly, we had REAL radio. Not this low-effort podcasting bullshit that anyone could do. In fact, podcasting is absolutely the worst, lowest form of entertainment. Especially now that I’ve tried it and it turns out I have nothing interesting or funny to say.

I believe in craftsmanship. One should spend years toiling over their craft. They should live and breathe their art and it should be a process to bring their vision to life. Today, podcasters simply buy some mid-level microphones and hit record. They don’t even edit! When I recorded my first podcast, I spent countless hours editing out all of the awkward, boring moments. That’s dedication. It was worth it though because once I was done, the three-and-a-half-minute episode was mostly listenable.

Anyone can make a podcast. Except for me, apparently. But what do I, a person of high artistic taste, care about that? When I used to play in metal bands, I’d hear these massive pop hits and think, “Ha! Anyone could write that.” Granted, I never actually tried to write a pop song so, fortunately, my belief still stands. Unlike this podcasting stuff, which is equally vapid.

I urge the public to raise the bar for the media we consume. Do we want to be a society that supports entertainers who can perform an extremely simple task? Sure, it seems pretty clear that only a select few have the talent to succeed in this medium, but scarcity of talent is bullshit and podcasting is lame and goddamnit why aren’t I good at it?!?!

Busy Drummer Delegates Ride Cymbal Duties to Eager Sous-Drummer

Posted on August 17, 2022 by Joe Rumrill

HARTFORD, Conn. — Beleaguered local drummer Sadie Plemmons assigned all future ride cymbal playing to a recently-hired sous-drummer in order to help with her percussion duties in the recently debuted band Crocodilius Minimus, sources confirmed last week.

“Live performance can be a very hectic environment. It’s all hands on deck up there on that stage. We have to give our all every time we get up there because we never know when someone from the Arts and Culture section of an alt-weekly will be there reviewing the show,” said a no-nonsense Plemmons. “And with Minimus’ sound becoming more and more prog influenced by the day, I decided to take on a protege. With Shrimp on the ride, I can focus more on the rest of the kit, and bring a more cohesive sound to the band. It’s all about trust.”

Attendees of their recent shows are on board for the unorthodox process and are already noting Ronnie “Shrimp” Maltin’s eager grit and dedication.

“You can tell Shrimp wants this, he’s very respectful and always says ‘yes drummer’ whenever Sadie assigns a task. It’s the most serious I’ve seen him take anything,” said Suds ‘n Such sound guy Murph Laemmle. “It might look a little weird to have a guy standing off to the side of the drumset just banging away on that cymbal every once in a while, especially when he decides to wear that stupid chef’s hat. But he’s really in the zone up there. he anticipates Sadie’s needs and it’s like watching a fuckin’ ballet, man. That kid was born to be back-of-house-band.”

Musician labor advocate Rio Greenwald offered her tentative approval, but only after putting the group through a surprise inspection of their rehearsal space.

“Many sous-instrumentalists run the risk of being exploited, putting in the same hours as the head drummer, but at a fraction of the prestige and pay, some not even receiving the bare minimum green room beer cooler privileges,” said Greenwald. “I’ve seen countless mid-gig storm-outs from unequal treatment. Crocodilius Minimus is set to receive an A rating, though. Pending the removal of a mousetrap laid less than two feet from Mr. Maltin’s cymbal station, a clear violation of code that could cause him to be injured by the trap or bit by a rodent.”

At press time, the band’s guitarist was so satisfied with the new drum set-up that he’s inspired to bring on what he’s calling a “tone knob intern.”

Weird: Friend From High School Old Now

Posted on August 17, 2022 by Cory Cousins

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local 39-year-old Jillian Rhodes was startled this afternoon after learning that her friend from high school Jordan Hansley is now old, Rhodes’ girlfriend confirmed.

“I was stoked to meet up with Jordan, my best bud from high school. He was one crazy son of a bitch,” remembered Rhodes wistfully. “So I dropped by Bean There Done That today to grab some coffee with him, but when I got there, this fuckin’ old man in a cardigan kept waving at me and motioning for me to come over. I was about to give him a smack, but when he took off his half-moon spectacles and tweed golf cap, I was shocked to learn that it was Jordan, but old. All he could talk about was his chronic gastric reflux issues and how the economy was in the crapper.”

A barista working at the coffee shop couldn’t help but notice the appearance of the customer in question.

“Oh, you mean the guy who somehow looks 35 and 65 at the same time?” asked expert java jockey, Claudia Carrillo. “I had to yell at him to come up and order because he was staring at his New York Times crossword and wasn’t paying attention. We have a business to run here, ya know? But then I felt sorry for him because he couldn’t figure out how to log into the free WiFi. It reminded me of my abuelito.”

Hansley appeared to enjoy reuniting with his old friend, but was in a hurry to make it back to his house in time to watch “Pawn Stars.”

“It sure was good to catch up with my old pal, Jillian,” remembered Hansley. “She really hasn’t changed much since high school. I got married, had a couple kids, and took a job at the plant. Gosh, that was about twenty years ago. She invited me to go to one of her shows coming up, but they play at like 10:00 p.m. Sounds exhausting. By that time, I’m already in bed and one hour into watching goofy animal videos on YouTube.”

In related news, Rhodes met up with a different friend from high school who suggested meeting for dinner at 4:00 p.m. and yet decided to crochet during the entire meal.

Cursed Film? Everyone Who Worked On Nosferatu Is Now Deceased

Posted on August 17, 2022 by Mike Moran

This year mark’s the 100th anniversary of the Classic German Horror film, Nosferatu: A Symphony of Terror. But unfortunately, the celebrations will have to be without both the cast and crew of said Expressionist Masterpiece, as in a macabre twist of fate, EVERYONE involved in the filming of Nosferatu has since passed on.

Eerie coincidence? Or something far more sinister?

The Phenomenon of the Cursed Horror Film is, of course, nothing new. The hit 80s film “Poltergeist” was infamous for the tragedies that seemed to hit the cast and crew, including the untimely death of two of the film’s stars. “The Exorcist” experienced mysterious on-set accidents throughout its production. And of course the filming of “Halloween: Resurrection” resulted in the creation and release of the film, Halloween: Resurrection.

Though Gen-Zer’s the world over are stricken on this anniversary with “Nosfu-fever,” we won’t be seeing Gustav von Wangenheim (or “Gus Vo”) walking the red carpet at the MTV TV and Movie Awards this year. The same goes for “It Girl,” Greta Schröder, who challenged gender norms with her ankle-high hemline and, defiant lack of an S-bend corset.

As for lead actor Max Shreck he won’t be rising from his tomb anytime soon as our sources advise (and police reports verify) his corpse is still very much in a state of extreme decay, with projections of only further decay to come.

Some deny the existence of a Nosferatu curse, or the notion of a cursed film in general, but how do those people explain the tragic automobile accident that claimed the life of director F.W Murnau? How can skeptics explain the mysterious death of writer Henrik Galeen at the tender age of 70? And what about the sickening nightmare that drove costume designer Albin Grau to madness, I bet?

Famed Buzzkill, Michael Shermer of Skeptic Magazine, weighed in on the phenomenon of Cursed Films, stating lamely, “There is literally only one person alive who was of adult age when “Nosferatu” was released. Her name is Lucille Randon and she turned 118 this year.”

Even skeptics admit that everyone who even saw the original run of Nosferatu in the theater is now dead, making it empirically the most cursed film of all time.

Review: Gleemer “Here at All”

Posted on August 17, 2022 by James Knapp

This week we were excited to take a look at the new Gleemer EP “Here at All.” That excitement quickly turned into abject terror and uncouth exploitative business practices. Read on to find out more.

To begin, we were initially thrilled when we received our vinyl copy of the EP. But the thrill soon turned to terror after we quickly noticed that an icky bug must have gotten into packaging somehow and was just sitting on top of our record.

We tried shooing it away but the fucking thing wouldn’t move. We ended up trying to smash that bug so many times with a nearby AP style guide that we inadvertently ended up obliterating the EP in the process.

It was only then that we realized that the bug was a part of the album artwork. Gross! What the fuck was Gleemer thinking putting some super creepy bug on the cover? Don’t they realize this will undoubtedly lead to many many more smashed records as a result of bug-based fear fatigue?

Of course they did! This was their plan all along!

See, we figured out their scheme. They sell one record to an unsuspecting fan who has to spend their hard-earned lottery winnings on it, but then when they get it they are greeted by a spooky bug and “eek!” they smash that album to Smithereens.

Then they realize “oh it’s not a real bug” and they feel angry that Gleemer tricked them but they still want to listen to the record so they have no choice but to go buy another copy and now the band just got double fucking sales!

Man, they must be some real diabolical sellouts to pull a scheme like that. I mean, even after we got our second copy of the EP we were still a bit hesitant to open it knowing we were gonna have to see that damn bug and, perhaps just from instinct, might end up smashing it again.

So if you feel like paying twice and giving yourself a real scare then go ahead with Gleemer’s “Here at All” but otherwise we’d avoid it.

SCORE: 1 out of 5 exploitative, bug-based money schemes

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Band Really Riding Line Between Being on Tour and Being Homeless

Posted on August 16, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

INDIANAPOLIS — Allegedly touring pop punk band Deaf Hippos is really blurring the line between actively playing shows outside their hometown and not having a consistent place to sleep at night, concerned for their welfare sources confirmed.

“I don’t think it’s fair to classify us as homeless just because we don’t technically have anything you could consider a mailing address, much less a safe place to sleep and keep our belongings. We’re a touring band. Would you call fuckin’ U2 or whoever homeless when they embark on a global stadium tour? It’s not any different when we live in our van while playing three shows over five weeks,” said Deaf Hippos singer Poppie Graziani. “This is what punk rock is all about. Taking baby wipe baths in Sunoco bathrooms, sucking on ketchup packages for sustenance, and sleeping five deep in a 1997 Astro Van.”

More recently, the band has been crashing on the basement floor of local man and naive supporter of the local music scene Bryant Vaughn.

“I first met the DH crew when I caught them stealing a drink from my garden hose. I always like to help out touring bands, so when they said they had a gig in town I gave them a place for the night. That was almost a month ago,” said Vaughn. “I became really suspicious after they brought their bindles in the house and started complaining about ‘railroad bulls,’ whatever that means. And they have yet to play a gig unless you count playing harmonica while begging for change on my front porch as a gig.”

Local advocate for unhoused people Abby Robinson expressed her frustration with bands “cosplaying as hobos.”

“People experiencing homelessness deserve to be treated with dignity just like everybody else. Well, everybody else except musicians. They can go straight to hell,” said Robinson. “Touring bands have made my job infinitely harder. We want to help people who are struggling to get back on their feet. Not prop up some shitty avant-garde noise outfit from Cleveland that got paid negative $212 at their last gig because their theremin blew out the venue’s PA system.”

Recently, Deaf Hippos announced via their Facebook page that they will be extending the tour after Graziani learned her mom still isn’t letting her back in the house because of that awful thing she did in her birdbath.

Air Conditioner Water Dripping on Crust Punk’s Head Technically Counts as Shower

Posted on August 16, 2022 by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local crust punk Ben “Diggz” Cooper asserts that the steady drip of a window-mounted air conditioner he stood under for 15 seconds is “as good” as any shower, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I knew I needed to look somewhat presentable for my sister’s upcoming wedding,” said Cooper while his dog ate the remains of a discarded roast chicken. “I planned on doing my normal routine and going to the car wash to hose myself down, but on my way there I noticed a lot of water dripping into a murky puddle on the sidewalk and realized I could save myself $4. Man, I forgot how refreshing a shower can be! I used some hand soap I took from a Mighty Taco bathroom and it was like I was in a fancy spa. Honestly, I feel like the King of England, people don’t even dry heave when I ask them for a cigarette.”

Linda Nowak, the owner of the apartment and air conditioning unit, witnessed the bizarre sight.

“I went to look out my window to see if my Grubhub driver was there, and I saw this rough-looking guy in his underwear taking the slowest most ineffective shower in the history of mankind,” Nowak explained. “Remember that viral video of the NYC rat supposedly washing itself? That’s what it looked like! Except this guy totally looked clueless during the entire process. I mean, I guess it’s fine that he wants to wash using my AC water, but it seriously looked like a Caveman seeing fire for the first time or something.”

Longtime Buffalo punk scene veteran Don Chlebek gave a little bit of history on the hygiene practices of local crusties.

“Ahhh yes, when I heard the story about Diggz bathing under the AC unit, it brought me back to the days of old. Back when punks used to improvise a bit when it came to not being stinky,” said Chlebek while pulling up his dingy pair of pants. “If we had a court appearance or something, a quick way to freshen up would be to rub yourself down with a slightly used urinal cake, sit beside a campfire for a few hours, or jump in the lake and hope for the best. None of it actually works, but that placebo effect can give you the confidence you need to get through the day.”

At press time, Cooper was seen using half a bottle of Febreze to try and mask his stench for the wedding.

Photo by Jana Miller.

I Don’t Understand Why We Still Do Internet When Black Mirror Proved It Was Bad in 2014

Posted on August 16, 2022 by Dan Rice

It’s been said that life imitates art, but from where I’m standing, it never learns from it. Here you are, reading this article on the internet, an invention that the television show “Black Mirror” proved would doom us to a world of Machiavellian horror, meritocracy-based confinement, and for some reason pig fucking.

Seriously, everyone is just okay with this?

When people first started doing the internet it was just a convenient way to shop and masturbate to things that were embarrassing to seek in real life. But when the greatest minds of our civilization, television writers, sat down and extrapolated the natural trajectory of the world wide web, they predicted a digital hellscape.

They created the series “Black Mirror” to warn humanity of the doomed road it was on. In it they proved that the internet, while pretty cool at the time, would go on to do bad stuff like manipulating the population, copying our minds, and making Jon Hamm act against type. The world’s response? An 8.8 on IMDB. Pretty, good, but not great.

When you wake up to find that you’re just a copy of yourself downloaded by some pervert you work with to satisfy his depraved appetites, don’t say that you weren’t warned.

Holy shit. The black mirror is our SCREENS when they aren’t on! I JUST realized that!

Every tweet you send brings us one step closer to a world where our children become apps and love is punishable by execution on reality television. Every time you click like on a photo of your friend’s brunch or child, what you’re really liking is a digital dystopia where cold, emotionless algorithms make everything all creepy and weird all the time just to like, scare us.

A lot of the bad stuff from “Black Mirror” has already come to pass. People are addicted to video games, Donald Trump was elected president, and I can’t crack TikTok because the Chinese government considers me a threat I assume. Do the future a favor and throw your devices into the ocean to prevent more of “Black Mirror’s” cautionary tales from becoming a reality, except for the Star Trek one because that seems cool.

This week we were excited to take a look at the new Gleemer EP “Here at All.” That excitement quickly turned into abject terror and uncouth exploitative business practices. Read on to find out more.

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