ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local 39-year-old Jillian Rhodes was startled this afternoon after learning that her friend from high school Jordan Hansley is now old, Rhodes’ girlfriend confirmed.
“I was stoked to meet up with Jordan, my best bud from high school. He was one crazy son of a bitch,” remembered Rhodes wistfully. “So I dropped by Bean There Done That today to grab some coffee with him, but when I got there, this fuckin’ old man in a cardigan kept waving at me and motioning for me to come over. I was about to give him a smack, but when he took off his half-moon spectacles and tweed golf cap, I was shocked to learn that it was Jordan, but old. All he could talk about was his chronic gastric reflux issues and how the economy was in the crapper.”
A barista working at the coffee shop couldn’t help but notice the appearance of the customer in question.
“Oh, you mean the guy who somehow looks 35 and 65 at the same time?” asked expert java jockey, Claudia Carrillo. “I had to yell at him to come up and order because he was staring at his New York Times crossword and wasn’t paying attention. We have a business to run here, ya know? But then I felt sorry for him because he couldn’t figure out how to log into the free WiFi. It reminded me of my abuelito.”
Hansley appeared to enjoy reuniting with his old friend, but was in a hurry to make it back to his house in time to watch “Pawn Stars.”
“It sure was good to catch up with my old pal, Jillian,” remembered Hansley. “She really hasn’t changed much since high school. I got married, had a couple kids, and took a job at the plant. Gosh, that was about twenty years ago. She invited me to go to one of her shows coming up, but they play at like 10:00 p.m. Sounds exhausting. By that time, I’m already in bed and one hour into watching goofy animal videos on YouTube.”
In related news, Rhodes met up with a different friend from high school who suggested meeting for dinner at 4:00 p.m. and yet decided to crochet during the entire meal.