Life has not gone as planned. When we were in high school we were certain we’d be a famous musician by now, about to settle down with our supportive spouse and start having a family before retiring from music on top of the world and planning our run as a senator. Well today we’re alone, the band didn’t work out, and the closest we ever got to the senate was being asked about our whereabouts on January 6th.
We keep looking back to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. The high water mark was junior year of high school. We had just crushed the yearly talent show and promptly dumped our perfect girlfriend to prepare ourselves for the tidal wave of women who’d be throwing themselves at us until the end of time.
We need to fix our life. The obvious answer is to get our old high school girlfriend back and then everything will be solved! Unfortunately, when we sat down with her at a local Chipotle it just so happens that she turned out as awful as we did.
The Hard Times: Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with us! What have you been up to?
The One That Got Away: Stealing, mostly.
Haha! You were always so funny. We miss that about you.
Huh? No, I mean it’s hard to get hired in retail when all of your past employers fired you for stealing. So for me life is mostly stealing.
Oh. Umm okay. Well you were always so resourceful. And strong too. We’ve been doing great by the way. We’re actually here to casually catch up with you because things are going so well and we wanted to share that news with someone so warm and caring and beautiful. Speaking of that last thing… so uhh what happened?
First of all, you aren’t looking so great yourself. You dress like you never left 2002. As for me, this is what a decade of chainsmoking and raising three kids on your own will do to you. Speaking of which, it’s cool if I smoke in here right?
You smoke in the house, don’t you?
Hey, remember all those times you came to shows and supported our band? Those were some fun times.
I guess. They weren’t nearly as fun as the semester I spent college. Nothing but cocaine and stealing people’s toothbrushes at parties.
So… any future plans? Tonight even?
Not tonight but I’m spending this weekend with this aging woman who has dementia.
Oh wow! Charity work is extremely important and we’re so proud to hear you’re doing something good with your time!
I couldn’t agree more. I think if I spend a few more weekends with her I’ll be done my mandatory community service AND I think I can convince her I’m her daughter and she’ll leave me some shit when she croaks.
Yeah that checks out.
It’s also super easy to get away with stealing her toothbrush.
Okay so we gotta get out of here. And since you said you’re free tonight, you wanna come with?