5 David Sedaris Books That Will Trick You and Your Date Into Thinking You Have Anything Else in Common

Posted on by Dan Rice

David Sedaris is one of the most beloved and universally appreciated writers of our time. His sharp wit, powers of observation and dark humor-meets-heart approach makes his work appealing to all walks of life. This can get you into a lot of trouble romantically.

It’s a joy to recount David Sedaris’ stories with a fellow fan. Unfortunately, this runs out at a point, and you may or may not have anything else to say to each other. This point can come as early as a second date or as late as a “hey, we live together.”

Calypso
Don’t let the subject matter of growing old turn you off, “Calypso” sees Sedaris at the height of his universally appreciated wit. Bonding over this book is enough to convince incompatible people of any age that they should see eachother again when they categorically should not. It only ranks low on our list because it came out in 2018 and no one has read a book since 2014.

Holidays on Ice
Everyone loves a darkly comedic spin on the holiday season. Seriously, everyone, regardless of background, political affiliation, or value system.

Naked
By the time you realize you and your partner have this book and only this book in common, they will have already met your parents, and the pressure to keep this thing going for some reason will be at a full boil.

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Sedaris’s penchant for finding the madness in the mundane may inspire you to become a writer yourself. For example, you could write about the time you had sex with someone a bunch of times before realizing they were a republican because you both liked “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.”

Me Talk Pretty One Day
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll start an unsustainable relationship with someone that you will end with a text message that they reply to with a “thumbs up” react.

We Sat Down With the One Millennial Who Can Digest Dairy to Figure Out His Deal

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Steven Jones, an otherwise boring millennial with an even more boring name, has been hiding an extraordinary, superhuman ability: digesting dairy without immediately having explosive diarrhea. We sat down with the man and the legend in his apartment living room over a truly incredible-looking cheese plate to figure out his whole deal.

“I don’t know,” Jones said, maybe a little too proudly cutting a huge hunk of brie off the wedge and shoving the entire thing in his mouth, with not a hint of fear in his eyes or a Lactaid in sight. “It’s like, fuckin’, I guess Big Milk got you all. I never drank my milk in the 90s when our parents were brainwashed by all those Got Milk? Ads. I was an asshole contrarian kid, you know? I think you all just drank so much milk your bodies got sick of it. Literally, ha ha!” He quipped, as he finished his brie and moved on to what appeared to be a smoked gouda. We tried and failed to crack a smile at the blowhard.

According to Jones, there was a distinct moment when he first realized there was something special about him and that he was envied. In college, when he pulled some string cheese out in class one day and casually started eating it, a hush fell over the room and he heard angry whispers from his classmates.

“I didn’t know everyone else couldn’t do what I do anymore,” Jones told us with a shit-eating grin that was physically painful to behold.

“He just took that string cheese out in front of all of us and just rawdogged it with no Lactaid or anything,” recounted a stunned classmate. Sources say the students all watched in awe as Jones ate the string cheese and miraculously stayed in the remainder of the lecture without a single bathroom break. “He didn’t even have to run to the bathroom. I know we were all waiting for him to get the shits, but NOTHING. It was like watching a dog run out into the road and being pretty sure it’s gonna get hit, but then nothing bad happens to it.”

The smugness in Jones’ face was increasingly evident as he continued demolishing the cheese platter, which would have glued any regular millennial to the toilet for days. He bit into a cheese curd and chewed it without breaking eye contact. We quickly thought of ways to bring the conversation to a close as soon as possible.

What’s next for Steven Jones, you may ask?
“I might become a cheesemonger. Or I could taste test cheese for a living. I don’t want to waste my talents. Or I could let scientists study me! Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.” He finished the pile of cheese curds, beamed, and said “ta da!”

At this point, we said our goodbyes and cut our conversation short because we couldn’t take this dude anymore. Good luck with your career, you piece of shit.

Schools Installing State-of-the-Art Panic Rooms for Cops to Hide During Mass Shootings

Posted on by Evan Caris

WASHINGTON — The Department of Education announced a nationwide initiative to protect America’s police officers from the epidemic of school shootings by creating high-end panic rooms for them to take cover.

“People look at police officers and think ‘those guys are superheroes, they can do it all’ but they forget we are human and that we get really really scared around most people,” said Lieutenant Gary Wisham, an officer in a suburb outside of Sacramento. “Even though we know all the best places to hide, I still wouldn’t feel safe if someone came in and just started shooting. These panic rooms will allow every law enforcement officer in America to take proper cover until the shooter is finished. There really is no other solution to this problem, as far as I can see.”

Students report several instances of police officers pushing them out of the way as they ran from the line of fire.

“It’s tough to get through a school day without being a little scared that some maniac could enter through one of the many open doors with a gun and start shooting again. I think that’s a feeling shared by most people my age,” said high school student Eric Lewis. “If these panic rooms existed when my friends died they still wouldn’t be alive, so nothing will really change for me or any of my classmates. I think if we were allowed inside it would really make a difference, but we’ve been assured that isn’t possible since it would make the cops feel claustrophobic if it got too crowded. They are talking about arming teachers, though, so that should kill even more of my friends.”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz extolled the virtue of this plan from the steps of Capitol Hill noting it’s a positive step forward to protect our boys in blue.

“It’s never been harder to be a law enforcement officer in America,” said Cruz. “They’re not only under attack from school shooters but also from coastal, liberal elites and the Mainstream Media, and this plan is a win for real American heroes. Having a dedicated safe space for law enforcement is a step in the right direction to funding the police more. Now we can sleep easy at night knowing they have access to a secure room, with their favorite foods, comfortable furniture, and most importantly; soundproofing so they won’t be bothered by gunshots or screams. I would sacrifice every student in America if it meant protecting even just one law enforcement officer’s life.”

At press time, Police unions across the country say these safe rooms are not enough, and demanded satellite television with all the best sports packages to be installed in each one.

Report: Every Song on Classic Rock Playlist About Statutory Rape

Posted on by Dave McNamara

SEATTLE — Dr. Sharon Oldham, Director of the International Musicology Association, recently concluded a year-long study and determined that every song on classic rock playlists curated by Spotify is about sex with minors.

“Most of us have heard these songs our whole lives, but we’ve never noticed how deeply creepy all these lyrics are,” said Dr. Oldham. “We’ve surveyed hundreds of classic rock songs and they’re literally all about seducing or coercing sex from underage women. Once you start paying attention to the lyrics, it becomes ubiquitous. And it’s all the classics. Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles…all singing about their ‘little gurl-childs.’ I actually think I just vomited a little saying that out loud.”

Iconic Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant weighed in on the social climate of the ‘70s in regards to underage relations.

“It was a different time, mate,” said Plant, while stroking a glass orb. “It’s not like we went out of our way to shag 14-year-olds, they were basically just given to us and we did nothing to stop it nor simply say no. We were basically helpless to it all. I remember one gig in ‘71 where Zeppelin was booked at a private Catholic all-girls middle school in Derbyshire. They put our dressing room in an active shower for the lacrosse team. We lost Bonzo for three days after that one. He eventually turned up on a houseboat with half the Nancy Drew Book Club. Had to be there, I guess.”

Senior Editor of Rolling Stone and longtime music journalist Donny Watts has spent much of his career writing about the golden age of rock and roll.

“It’s like you can’t say whatever you want in song lyrics anymore thanks to cancel culture,” said Watts, “When Mick Jagger is singing ‘Brown Sugar,’ sure, he’s talking about a young Black girl, but he’s also pointing his finger in the chest of Johnny Law, saying ‘look, I’m not going to be bound by the conventions of society or basic morality.’ People are too quick to judge from their self-righteous high horse. It was different back then. If we had the same set of rules that we do now, I never would have been able to marry my 16-year-old Philipino house cleaner.”

The International Musicology Association has since identified a handful of classic rock songs for Spotify that do not glorify statutory rape, but it’s just Rush’s entire discography.

The 5 Best Study Albums for People Who Have Deluded Themselves Into Thinking Ambient Techno Is Somehow Going To Make Them Any Smarter

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

With the new school year having just begun, you’ll want to ensure you have all the necessary resources to succeed. And that includes your music.

Do you think that all that’s standing in the way between you and a 4.0 is a lack of glorified elevator music while you attempt in vain to comprehend your textbook? If so, make sure you have each one of these substantial releases in your library!

1) Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works 85-92
Richard D.James’ seminal debut is a must-listen for anyone who thinks they just need to hear 74 minutes of squiggling synths and thumping drum machines to make up for lifelong problems with focus and self-discipline.

2) Autechre – Incunabula
One of the most hallowed duos in the history of electronic music, Autechre kicked things off in style with this album, whose intoxicating beats and off-kilter melodies will be the perfect soundtrack for you realizing at 2 a.m. that either you’ve selected the wrong degree path or you’re just inherently inept.

3) Porter Ricks – Biokinetics
A landmark of both the ambient and dub techno subgenres, this German duo’s debut offers the singular sensation of feeling like you’re an underwater rave while you pretend you understand what the fuck it is you’re trying to do with your life.

4) An album by The Field
Look, there’s like 12 of these and they’re all basically the same, right down to the artwork. Um, maybe start with From Here We Go Sublime since it’s the first one and it has that song with the Kate Bush sample? It’s not going to help you any, but it’s a really good song.

5) Electronic Music for Studying, Concentration and Focus | Chill House Electronic Study Music Mix
No, this is not an album. But 5 million people have listened to it. And maybe you can scroll through the YouTube comments for inspiration before passing out at your desk and waking up in a frustrated daze of your own incompetence six hours later.

Opinion: The Crimes of the Jan. 6th Protestors Are Pretty Small Compared to the Stuff I Made up About Antifa

Posted on by Dan Rice

Which of these is the bigger crime: Literally just walking into a building, or murdering babies to drink their blood in a satanic ritual that turns celebrities gay? The answer is obviously baby murder, and that’s exactly what Antifa is doing I bet. Where’s their trial? Apparently, things I make up off the top of my head aren’t admissible as evidence, how convenient for the libs!

Have you ever noticed that whenever Antifa violently storms a government building they don’t record themselves doing it or leave any evidence that they ever did it, and no one witnesses them doing it? They’re crafty those liberals, I’ll give them that.

The participants of the January 6th protest are facing an overwhelmingly higher level of persecution from our government than the members of Antifa, and why? For the simple fact that they actually exist and their crimes were incredibly serious. It’s disgusting and shameful.

Think about it. If you want to build a case against the January 6th rioters you have hours of footage taken by the people involved that clearly shows them knowingly storming the capitol building with the intent of overturning democracy. If you want to build a case against Antifa you have absolutely nothing to go on besides the stuff my buddies and I make up about them because we’re mentally ill bigots. Fair and balanced? Give me a break.

For an offense as trite as trying to violently overthrow the United States government, many of our greatest patriots are facing as much as 45 days of jail time. Antifa propaganda agents will try to convince you that’s only a month and a half, but to a group of people who crave freedom above all, it may as well be a billion trillion years.

Who will take care of the online Russian girlfriends of these brave soldiers as they toil away in prison for half a season? Who will manage their fantasy sports drafts or make racist, ill-informed comments on their relative’s Facebook posts? Who, I ask you, will tell it like it is on youtube from the trucks of our once great nation?

California Roommates Ration Water to Avoid Having to Be One to Refill Brita

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WHITTIER, Calif. — Three roommates in southern California enacted extreme water rationing measures to avoid being the one having to refill their shared Brita filter, desiccated and stubborn sources confirmed.

“Things have been really tough lately. Everyone’s really parched, our skin looks terrible, and you can’t even imagine the pain of trying to power through cottonmouth after hotboxing Chad’s Scion,” said roommate Garrett Doherty. “Friends and family have been concerned that we are taking our water conservation too seriously because of the drought. But I’ve just been avoiding drinking water so I don’t have to refill the Brita. I may be in the early stages of kidney failure, but at least I’m not standing by the sink like a dipshit waiting for the Brita’s water reservoir to fill up. Fuck that, I’d rather die.”

Doherty’s friend, Polly-kay Fulton, was shocked upon seeing the roommate’s easily avoidable dire living situation.

“Garrett and his friends are going to crazy ridiculous lengths to not spend 30 seconds providing fresh, clean water for their home. Instead, they’re using eye droppers to ration out what little is left in the Brita, and ringing out bath towels into their mouths after each shower,” said Fulton. “And it’s not just the water. Everyone in this house lets the trash pile to the ceiling, the dishes fester and grow mold in the sink, and the less said about the creative ways they avoid replacing the toilet paper, the better.”

Representative for the Los Angeles County Waterworks, Lena Beil, explained how despite their incidental efforts, the roommates use significant amounts of water.

“Even without drinking any water, as well as never flushing the toilet until their dark yellow urine attracts house flies the size of golf balls, these three morons are some of the most egregious water wasters I’ve ever seen in my decades-long career,” said Beil. “While admittedly, their DIY, garbage bag slip ‘n slide down the basement steps does seem like a blast, it needs to end. Because if regular, low tax bracket folks like them don’t conserve water, how will Los Angeles area celebrities be able to maintain their tranquil fountains and lavish infinity pools?”

At press time, the roommates resorted to buying tickets to local music festivals as a means to sneakily cut open strangers’ CamelBaks and drink water from them like a sliced open cactus.

Report: Majority of Punks Live Parent’s Paycheck to Parent’s Paycheck

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

RENO, Nev. — An alarming new study from economists at the University of Nevada revealed that most American punks are currently living parent’s paycheck to parent’s paycheck.

“It’s hard to get off the hamster wheel for two seconds and make some sort of financial plan,” said longtime punk and trust fund kid Ty Johnston. “This capitalist hellhole makes you work 40 hours a week to ensure you won’t have the energy to find something better, because they’re never going to give you the chance to take away their power over you. I haven’t been able to save anything, and it sucks. Dad gives me a check every two weeks to teach me financial responsibility or whatever, but I really don’t understand how anyone is supposed to get by on $1,700 a week in this economy.”

Ty’s father Brinkley Johnston, CFO of Multi-Fini Capital, participated in the study and gave his unique insight into this encompassing problem.

“Sometimes I worry I’ve made some bad choices,” said Johnston. “When I was a kid everything was a nickel, or so I’m told. We had buyers and assistants for that sort of thing. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but remember at the beginning of the pandemic when nobody had any money? I had to dip into the primary savings in Ty’s trust fund, rather than the interest I usually use to float him. That’s how bad it got. I can only imagine what kind of bad financial habits I’m passing on to Ty.”

According to economist and lead researcher Linda Weathers, other related subcultures such as skaters, metalheads, and gamers are feeling the pinch as well.

“It’s never just one thing,” said Weathers while wearing a plastic green visor. “The previous generation’s parents didn’t have to budget for cell phone bills, internet bills, predatory loans, and dozens of streaming services, so it was easier to mooch money off of them. Sure they made less, but expenses were also lower. Plus a lot of parents in the past weren’t as concerned about the safety of their young as today’s parents are. It was a different world.”

Leading economists agreed that the best way for punks to continue to comfortably be supported entirely by their parents is to ask for more moderately priced luxury cars.

Progressive Thrash Band Only Wears Fair Trade White High Top Shoes

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MILWAUKEE — Members of local thrash metal band Differentiator recently committed to reduce environmental harm by wearing white high top shoes that are certified fair trade, sources close to the band confirmed.

“We’re at a critical point right now and we need to start making better choices or we won’t have a future in which to get completely wasted, circle pit, and party until the sun comes up,” said frontman Kevin “Ashtray” Lincoln. “The entire band went vegan after watching ‘Cowspiracy,’ all our denim is from thrift stores, and we make sure our signature white high tops are made of plant-based materials and that everyone involved in making them was paid fairly. Yes, it basically guarantees we will always be broke, but it’s the right thing to do. So next time you see us live, make sure you buy us some beer, because we’re going to need all the help we can get.”

Longtime Differentiator fan Sami Moore believes the band’s ethical message is beginning to take hold.

“I’ve heard a lot of people say they liked Differentiator’s early stuff better, and I get that. I still love listening to ‘Thrash Party at the White House’ and ‘Take Out the Thrash’ because those albums have some real metal anthems,” said Moore. “But their last album ‘Recycled Thrash’ was a masterpiece, even if every single soundbite was from ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ They just put out a new single called ‘We Can’t Party Underwater.’ It’s eight minutes long, has five guitar solos, but also concisely explains our current global climate crisis.”

Environmental activist Ezra Pardee commended the band for their dedication, but says personal responsibility is simply not enough to mitigate the damage already done.

“We need the government to regulate corporations immediately, or else we are all done for. The polar ice caps will not stop melting just because one mid-level metal band decides to pay a little bit more for their shoes,” said Pardee. “Yes, we should all do our best, but as long as major polluters are allowed to destroy our planet with no repercussions then we’re fucked. There isn’t a guitar solo loud enough, or a wall of death big enough to stop the impending apocalypse. I have heard there are multiple bands trying to convert their tour vans from gas power to beer power. That will help reduce emissions, but it’s completely untested.”

Inspired by Differentiator, local industrial band Ironwerx says all the weird mechanical sounds on their next album will come from solar-powered machinery.

Review: Fu Manchu “No One Rides for Free”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at Fu Manchu’s debut album “No One Rides for Free.”

Ah, the mid-90s. Clinton was President, the economy was soaring, and the world didn’t know that Bill Cosby was a literal sexual predator. It was a simpler time. A better time. A time when stoner rock outfit Fu Manchu was about to drop their debut album “No One Rides For Free,” a groovacious, crunchy ode to drag racing and muscle cars that, for some reason, I’m reviewing, which is ironic considering I haven’t had a valid driver’s license since 2002.

It’s not my fault, frankly. I was like, 16, okay, and my only driving lessons had come from my boyfriend at the time who is now in jail for unrelated offenses. Yeah, I took driver’s education, but I’ll be honest–I spent pretty much every class convincing the teacher that I had driven last week, so it was someone else’s turn. So you can see that obviously I was just really not super practiced, right? And not that the accident was malicious or even negligent?

There was LITERALLY no way I could have seen that convoy of Harleys coming, or even heard them, for that matter. I was listening to this exact album, weirdly enough, and like, is it a fucking crime to crank some tunes while taking a joy ride around the neighborhood? Since when do we punish teenagers for wanting to listen to loud music? This is ageism, loud and clear.

Louder than those pipes, at least.

And sure, fine, two of those guys are paralyzed from the waist down now, but look on the bright side! At least they aren’t dead! That whole ordeal could have gone way worse for them, to be honest. It could have been like, little kids who were behind the handlebars instead of grizzled old dudes wearing leather durags to hide their receding hairlines. That would have been a thousand times more fucked up.

Anyway, my court hearing is next week to get my license reinstated after two decades of fighting the legal system and maybe getting it back once or twice and then promptly losing it again. Don’t worry about that. But I’m kind of counting on shit going well this time because my new boyfriend who has never been to jail lives out in California and he’s really pushing for us to meet up in person and move in together, so I’ll need to be able to legally drive to get out West.

I’m also gonna need to borrow your car.

SCORE: ⅙ bikers who escaped unscathed

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