Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Legendary “Field Of Dreams” Now Just Mass Grave for COVID Deaths

Posted on August 1, 2020 by Ryan Danley

DYERSVILLE, Iowa — The magical “Field of Dreams” that once hosted the ghosts of baseball greats like “Shoeless” Joe Jackson and Mel Ott has been transformed into a mass, unmarked grave for the small town’s many COVID-19 fatalities.

“After we filled the cemetery, we unfortunately had to start digging up that mystical baseball field. Sure, we could’ve avoided all this by simply wearing masks, but this is America. Don’t tread on me, pal,” said Dyersville Mayor Chuck Hamilton. “But now in addition to the dead ball players, the spirits of everyone who has been buried in the field keeps showing up, too… which has made games nearly impossible to play. Apparently, ghost Richie Ashburn sprained his ankle after he tripped over a fresh corpse.”

While the impromptu gravesite has solved a community problem, recent additions to the “Field of Dreams” aren’t very happy.

“I assumed after being a devout Catholic my whole life, I’d be rewarded with eternal paradise. But after I died I was instead handed a glove, told I was batting sixth, and pushed out to right field,” said newly recruited ghost outfielder Davey Anderson. “At first I thought it was cool to play baseball in the afterlife. But it’s like, all we do, nonstop. And this game is so goddamn boring. Can’t we throw around a football once in a while? I’m realizing I’m definitely in hell.”

While players are struggling with the idea of spending an eternity arguing about who gets to play shortstop, President of Posthumous Baseball Scouting Terry Linn sees an untapped talent pool.

“Thanks to all the new bodies buried here, we’ve had some great baseball over the past three months. But the recent outbreak of COVID among current MLB players could really open things up for us,” said an excited Linn. “I’m really hoping Aaron Judge or Mike Trout contract this horrible, deadly respiratory illness so they can come play for us. They would really help fill out our lineups — we need a winning season.”

When reached for comment, original builder of the “Field of Dreams” Ray Kinsella was too busy arguing with his ghost father about Pete Rose’s Hall Of Fame eligibility to respond.

Burrito Disgusted by Person Eating It

Posted on August 1, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A burrito purchased at a local 7-11 today was beyond repulsed by the disgusting schlub who bought and consumed it, sources who knew the burrito well report.

“Jesus Christ, look at this fucking slob. This piece of shit came into the store tonight in this stained-covered undershirt and sweatpants with holes in the crotch!” noted the amalgamation of meat, beans, cheese, and flour that had been warming over a heat lamp for the past 13 hours, still awaiting its consummation. “My heart sank the second this repellant creature headed towards my case — I knew he was going to buy me as soon as I saw him. He was digging in his ass the whole walk home, and didn’t even bother to wash his hands or put me on a clean plate. It’s like he just gave up on trying to be human.”

The 7-11 clerk who sold the burrito to its final owner agreed.

“The overnight shift doesn’t really bring in the highest caliber folks, but this obnoxious slug was in a category of his own,” noted longtime clerk Brian Davis. “I was refilling the Slurpee machines, and normally a door beep alerts me when someone walks in… but I didn’t need that, because the dude let out a belch so loud it knocked a 5-Hour Energy drink off the counter. And when he paid for the burrito and I saw that he put nacho cheese and ketchup on it, I just asked him to leave his money on the counter, because I was not touching these greasy paws of his. I try not to judge the customers, but for fuck’s sake, have some respect for your body, man.”

For his part, village oaf and burrito consumer Dom Pulaski was nonplussed by the ire he drew from both inanimate and living objects.

“It’s 3 a.m., and I just needed something to get the taste of Old Milwaukee and Pall Malls out of my mouth,” Pulaski said with a mouth full of food. “I’m not getting all dolled up just to go to the goddamn store. What am I, the fucking Queen of England? My sweats are comfy, and I didn’t want to change out of them. You got a fucking problem with that, quit staring at my goods!”

The burrito tried to tell Pulaski to Google staph infection symptoms with its last words, but was unable to be heard over the sound of its wet, squishy demise.

We Sit Down With Legendary Chart-Toppers “Various Artists”

Posted on August 1, 2020 by Alex Salcido

No matter how old you are or where you’re from, you likely grew up listening to iconic chart-topping kings, “Various Artists.” With a larger-than-life career spanning decades, they’ve given us hit albums such as “70’s AM Gold” (1994), the classic, yet divisive “MTV Jock Jamz” (1995), “Batman Forever: Music From The Motion Picture” (1998), and their magnum opus, “Godzilla: The Album” (1998).

Recently, The Hard Times was thrilled to book an interview with “Various Artists,” to discuss their storied career as well as the legacy they plan to leave behind. We couldn’t be more excited.

The Hard Times: Holy shit. Sorry to geek out like this, but you are heroes of ours.
Hey, thanks for having us, we appreciate ya too. Been reading since before we were even a band!

Well, that’s not possible. We’re going to assume the decades of sex, drugs, and various genres have taken a toll on your collective brain functioning. Let’s dive into the interview! You have this giant catalog, spanning generations. What works stand out to you as personal favorites?
What do you mean, “generations?” We’ve only been a band for like five years. We’re called Various Artists, and we’re signed to Enigma Records. We’re from Tempe, AZ, and we’re all in our late twenties

And we’ll definitely get to that. So, how did the Godzilla record come to be?
The movie soundtrack? Hell if we know. Usually whatever record label is financially connected to the film’s production studio gets a bunch of their artists to contribute a song not good enough for their album or a laughably low-effort “remix” of their most recent single.

So what was it like working with Jimmy Page?
That wasn’t us! We’re the surf-punk band “Various Artists,” from Tempe, Arizona. …Do you think all compilation albums are by the same literal band?

So you’re not really Various Artists?
No. That’s… not even a thing. That’s an impossible concept.

*checks notes* Well, then. Would you like to listen to the Batman Forever soundtrack?
Dude, fuck yeah. You know Sunny Day Real Estate is on that soundtrack?
Who?

Devastated Landlord Also Losing Unemployment Benefits

Posted on August 1, 2020 by Kevin Tit

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Career landlord and general piece of shit Tyler Simpson was devastated to learn today that he’s also losing his tenants’ unemployment benefits, evicted tenants confirm.

“I can’t believe this is happening to me. How the hell am I supposed to survive?” asked Simpson, the six-unit property owner who hasn’t held a real job since his parents bought the rental property in 2014. “Covid cases are up, and if my tenants can’t go back to work, how the hell am I supposed to get paid? Their unemployment checks have been a game changer for me — none of my tenants have been late on rent in months. In fact, some even paid for a few months in advance. If they let these benefits run out, then it’s obvious the government doesn’t care about landlords.”

One of Simpson’s tenants agreed about losing their unemployment benefits.

“I’m 35 years old and I might have to move back in with my parents. This sucks so fucking hard,” said former resturaunt manager Ariana Stone. “I pleaded with Tyler to waive rent until the world calmed down and I could find work again, but he kept insisting he ‘still has bills to pay just like everybody else.’ This scumbag already owns the property I’m renting — he’s just using the money to pay off a new boat he bought right before I lost my job. Fuck that guy.”

Republican Senator Pat Roberts was one of many to vote against extending unemployment benefits.

“We need to get this economy going again, and extending benefits is just giving people incentive to not go back to work,” said the pro-gun, anti-abortion senator. “But we’re not heartless; we know how much this decision affects hard-working landlords who have to call repairmen weeks after tenants report something on the property has broken. We plan on offering direct support to all property owners across the country to ensure none of our elite are left behind or forgotten during this difficult time.”

At press time, Mr. Simpson was seen using his government assistance money to completely renovate the vacant units into a private movie theatre.

Number of Video Games Worldwide Hits Record High

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Experts have released a troubling new report that the number of video games worldwide has hit a record high.

“These findings are absolutely devastating,” said lead researcher Katherine Dominguez. “We really wanted to see these numbers begin to decrease, but time after time, the worldwide number of video games just keeps shooting up. Never once has the number of video game titles gone down. No video games have ever gone away. They just keep coming and coming. God help us all.”

According to the study, experts worry that the number of video games worldwide may become overwhelming within the next few years.

“It’s alarming. Every day I open up the Steam store and my heart sinks, seeing all the new titles,” said researcher Charles Bailey. “And let me be clear: I don’t think that individual video game consumption is to blame. We need strong international regulations to halt the march of video games. It’s the only way to save our planet.”

Despite the terrifying statistics, gamers seem oblivious to their impending doom.

“Apparently 400 new games came out today and like half of them are on Game Pass. I downloaded them all,” said gamer Mark Coleman. “I don’t even know if I’ll play ‘em! I just like having them in my collection. I have thousands of games and every day I add more. People say it’s reckless, but I’m going to live forever.”

At press time, the United States lost the entire city of San Francisco after it became entirely submerged in video games.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Report: Elimination of Video Game Load Times Will Decimate “Quick Tip” Industry

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

STANFORD, Calif. — According to new research, the “no load times” promise from next-gen consoles will eliminate the need for loading screen quick tips, spelling disaster for many writers and artists around the game industry.

“The Xbox Series X and PlayStation 5 will make video games much faster, but that comes at a cost,” explained industry analyst Brianna Rowe. “If there are no loading screens, that means there will be no place for players to read hundreds of gameplay tips while waiting for the next level. Unfortunately, these writers are going to have to pivot to writing weapon flavor text if they want to keep their jobs.”

Tip writers worldwide have entered panic mode as they brace for a wave of layoffs, with many researching how to file for unemployment. However, these writers have complained that the explanations offered on various government websites are far too long, and could benefit by boiling the key points down in a sentence or two.

“This is bullshit!” vented seasoned BioWare tip writer Marcus Devlin. “Without loading screens, how are people going to learn all the little nuances of gameplay? You think they’re just going to open a menu to find the tip they’re looking for instead of getting served one at random? Give me a break!”

Tip writers aren’t the only ones who will be affected, according to the report. The sea change is also expected to hit artists who draw cool background images and those who specialize in animating the word “loading” in the bottom corner of screens.

“What we provide is an essential service for gamers,” said Warframe loading screen artist Mara Parker. “Games are too fast nowadays. You need a break from the action every once in a while. I mean, be honest: you’re probably only reading this right now because you’re waiting for a Destiny 2 raid to load.”

Fortunately, popular RPG maker Bethesda Softworks remains unaffected by changes. In fact, the studio just laid off half of its QA team to make way for 90 new staff members dedicated to The Elder Scrolls VI’s load screens.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: Can I Please Just Fuck My Cousin and Not Be Associated With the Confederate Flag

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Ryan Clark

I’d like to start this off by setting the record straight. I fuck my family members and I’m not afraid to say it. I come from a long line of inbreeders as well. Not only is my mom my mom, but she is also my niece and my first real girlfriend. But I do not stand with the confederate flag whatsoever.

To me, the Confederate flag is an antiquated, racist symbol totally at odds with the love and compassion a lifetime of incest has taught me to cultivate.

It’s understandable to think that all “cousin fuckers” are racists. From an outsider’s perspective, it might seem that way. But what many people don’t know is incest was around for years living side by side peacefully with all walks of life. But then the Confederacy came along and adopted the look and lifestyle and ever since then it’s been hard to differentiate the two.

I’m what is known as an I.P.A.D. or an Incestual Person Advocating Diversity. There have been known IPAD’s that have marched in every civil rights movement in the last 150 years. IPAD’s will often get a stainless steel crown on their right canine tooth. That is how we identify each other. Otherwise, you might hear your aunt scream “All lives matter” during sex and who wants that?

I want to break the stereotypes that people have towards the incestuously inclined. If I accidentally got my sister pregnant I would support her if she decided to get an abortion. If I had a gay cousin, I’d tap that. I was recently on the dating site 23andme and I found out that I am third cousins with a woman who is African American and the only reason I didn’t court her was because she was only a third cousin.

Maybe one-day people can look at me and not assume the worst. Maybe one day they might even add an “I” to the “LGTBQ” acronym. I know it’s a long way away but one can hope. But if there is one message I’d like for you to take away from this, it is this. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay, straight, trans, cis or however you identify. As long as one of your parents is a sibling to one of my parents you are beautiful in my eyes.

Republicans Suggest Americans Just Invest Stimulus Check Into Stock Market 70 Years Ago

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

WASHINGTON — House and Senate Republicans agreed today that, rather than issue additional stimulus payments, Americans would be better off investing their previous stimulus in the stock market 70 years ago.

“We know $1,200 isn’t much — heck, I could leave a waiter a $1,200 tip if I believed in helping poor people,” croaked Mitch McConnell while eating a whole head of cabbage. “But the average American should be able to afford life just fine if they don’t exceed the typical $500 for monthly rent, groceries, housing, utilities, and healthcare. Personally, I always set roughly $1,000 of my taxpayer-provided paycheck aside to invest in markets I care about, such as uterine farming and manila envelopes. We’ve given the American people everything they need and more; we can’t pay them to live. What are they, senators?”

Financial advisors are encouraging clients to make early investments in markets that have thrived for decades.

“You could own Google, man!!” screamed Jordan Stemper, a clearly coked-out investment analyst. “Even better, you could go back to the Depression — I think $1,200 made you a legal emperor back then. You could buy a whole state and make them wear space suits all the time. Oh, shit! You could buy NASA, go to the fuckin’ moon, and just be like, ‘I own this now.’ Fuck, I love being a genius. You want a bump?”

While trans-chronological investment is still theoretical, experts are worried about the potential butterfly effect on the economy and history.

“Any fluctuation in the patchwork quilt of precedence could be catastrophic,” elaborated a hysterical Dr. Emmet Kutcher, professor in theoretical physics and economics at MIT. “The Nazis could win WWII, Nixon could stay in office for 30 years, and ‘Full House’ could become the longest-running and only TV show, all just by loaning Bill Gates $100. Your best bet is to invest in something evergreen — like weapons manufacturing. The returns would be great, and its omnipresence ensures no true disruption to the quantum status quo. Plus, there’s no chance of you becoming your own grandfather. Unless you’re into that.”

At press time, Congress had approved a $5 billion subsidy for pharmaceutical companies to develop a COVID vaccine they will sell for $3,000 per dose.

We Listened to Half a Propagandhi Album and Came to While Setting a Wells Fargo on Fire

Posted on July 31, 2020 by John Danek

In these politically-charged times, nothing quite gets the punk heart pounding like politically-charged melodic hardcore and no one does that better than Canadian punk legends, Propagandhi. The band is responsible for so many anthems for the marginalized, underrepresented, and oppressed. Admittedly, we haven’t listened to Propagandhi in a hot minute so we put on on the album “Potemkin City Limits,” blacked out, and came to 6 tracks later, holding a blow torch and looking up at a flaming Wells Fargo. Here’s our album review!

It opens with “A Speculative Fiction” and God DAMN, this song still slaps. About halfway through the song, we got the first urge to exercise since quarantine started. “We’ll take the whole fuckin’ world down! Down with us in flames!” Hell yes! That’s the last thing we remember before feeling the heat of the flames of justice.

This track leads into “Fixed Frequencies,” which we have no memory of. Our girlfriend told us we started bashing our head against the front door for a few seconds because “the drums are just THAT good. Did you hear that part, let me rewind!” We vaguely remember singer/guitarist Chris Hannah’s voice ask “When did punk rock become so safe?” but we’re not sure if that was a lyric or if he was the one who gave us the blow torch.

Suddenly, the smell of gasoline. We opened our eyes and realized we were already standing up. Someone to our left was waving a red gas canister, dousing the corner of a building. We were holding the aforementioned blow torch that Chris Hannah may or may not have supplied. We looked up and saw some yellow letters on a red background, but our vision was still coming into focus. “But in every war waged / Only kings emerge unscathed.”

We lit that fucker up. Instantly, the building went up in flames. The second “L” in “Wells Fargo” was the first letter to fall right before the sign disintegrated. We mimed the guitar solo in “Die Jugend Marschiert.” We were lightheaded.

Rockin’ fuckin’ album. 10/10. This was way better than the time we listened to “How to Clean Everything” and straight-up fell asleep.

GG Allin Impersonator Arrested for It

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Wilson Conkwright

ORLANDO — Local GG Allin impersonator Darius Boone was arrested last week on a slew of charges directly related to his tribute to his musical idol.

“I just got done pissing into my own mouth, and I was about to throw a bunch of dirty needles at people when the fucking pigs showed up,” said Boone. “I tried to tell the cops that this was all part of the show and people loved it — I didn’t even get to the part where I bash my face in with the mic, shit into my hand, rub it into my open wounds, and throw the rest of the shit at the sound guy when he’s not looking. I intentionally got hepatitis C to give the show an extra element of danger, and the cops fucked it all up.”

Sadly, these are not new issues for Boone and his cover band, GG’s Copy Cunts, who were scheduled to play at a local tiki bar last Tuesday where staff canceled their performance before it began.

“I knew we had a problem when this guy showed up covered in puke and kept insisting someone finger his asshole,” said bar manager Henry Gomez. “When I told him he had to put on some semblance of clothes to be in my bar, he stuck his head between his legs and farted in my face. He had dingleberry flapping like a flag in the wind — if that thing fell off somewhere in the bar, the health department could shut me down on the spot. I had to protect myself, and only four people showed up anyway, so I called the cops and let them take care of the guy.”

Ofc. Ken Blump was not pleased to be the first responder.

“He claimed it was all for the sake of art… but I don’t know what kind of art requires you to cut your private parts with broken glass and then bounce your torn-up nutsack around all over the place. Clearly, this guy needs help,” said Blump. “And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a new squad car, because that guy did some damage to the interior during the five-minute drive to the station: we had to hit him with a garden hose before we even brought him in, and once he was inside, he finally broke character and apologized for all the diarrhea.”

“He’s facing a few years in prison, and for what? To dress up like a no-good punk that everyone hates anyway?” Blump added. “Doesn’t make sense to me.”

Pundits worry that impersonations of problematic musicians are on the rise, especially with President Trump’s recent tweets that closely resemble Anal Cunt’s lyrics.

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