WASHINGTON — House and Senate Republicans agreed today that, rather than issue additional stimulus payments, Americans would be better off investing their previous stimulus in the stock market 70 years ago.
“We know $1,200 isn’t much — heck, I could leave a waiter a $1,200 tip if I believed in helping poor people,” croaked Mitch McConnell while eating a whole head of cabbage. “But the average American should be able to afford life just fine if they don’t exceed the typical $500 for monthly rent, groceries, housing, utilities, and healthcare. Personally, I always set roughly $1,000 of my taxpayer-provided paycheck aside to invest in markets I care about, such as uterine farming and manila envelopes. We’ve given the American people everything they need and more; we can’t pay them to live. What are they, senators?”
Financial advisors are encouraging clients to make early investments in markets that have thrived for decades.
“You could own Google, man!!” screamed Jordan Stemper, a clearly coked-out investment analyst. “Even better, you could go back to the Depression — I think $1,200 made you a legal emperor back then. You could buy a whole state and make them wear space suits all the time. Oh, shit! You could buy NASA, go to the fuckin’ moon, and just be like, ‘I own this now.’ Fuck, I love being a genius. You want a bump?”
While trans-chronological investment is still theoretical, experts are worried about the potential butterfly effect on the economy and history.
“Any fluctuation in the patchwork quilt of precedence could be catastrophic,” elaborated a hysterical Dr. Emmet Kutcher, professor in theoretical physics and economics at MIT. “The Nazis could win WWII, Nixon could stay in office for 30 years, and ‘Full House’ could become the longest-running and only TV show, all just by loaning Bill Gates $100. Your best bet is to invest in something evergreen — like weapons manufacturing. The returns would be great, and its omnipresence ensures no true disruption to the quantum status quo. Plus, there’s no chance of you becoming your own grandfather. Unless you’re into that.”
At press time, Congress had approved a $5 billion subsidy for pharmaceutical companies to develop a COVID vaccine they will sell for $3,000 per dose.