This Day In Music History October 29th

Posted on by Tim Graham

If you don’t know your music history you are doomed to repeat your music history. Here are all the key events that happened on this day October 29th.

1846: Youth Arrested For Piracy After Transcribing Sheet Music Of Popular Song

“Transcription is killing the music industry,” said an indignant music publisher. “You wouldn’t transcribe a horse-drawn carriage, would you?”

 

1980: Alvin and The Chipmunks Abruptly End Punk Phase

The short-lived departure from the novelty band’s pop style drew to a close when fourth Chipmunk “Scuz” died from an overdose while on tour in Stockholm.

 

1983: Slash Adopts His Iconic Nickname

Future Guns N’ Roses guitarist Saul Hudson filled a notebook with possible stage names including Slit, Gash and Slice before finally arriving at his now-famous sobriquet.

 

1989: Jandek Dropped From Major Label Hours After Being Signed

The reclusive musician was immediately let go after an initial meeting during which his only contribution was a long, graphic story about watching two stray dogs copulate on his lawn.

 

1991: Carcass Frontman Performs Appendectomy On Self

“Looks like studying all those medical textbooks for lyrical inspiration ended up saving my life,” said Jeff Walker, who had fallen ill during a solo hike.

 

1994: Mayhem Post Ad Seeking New Guitarist

The ad, which assured prospective members there had been no murders or suicides within the band for nearly a year, asked that applicants have “pro gear and be drama-free.”

 

1997: Embarrassed Man Shows Up to Barenaked Ladies Concert With Pockets Full of Dollar Bills

“I thought it was a different kind of show,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I stuck around till the end thinking maybe they were just openers for some actual naked ladies, but no dice.”

 

1998: Labels Pressure Bands to Come Up With Songs Similar to Semisonic’s Hit “Closing Time”

“Why not a song about opening up a 7-11 in the morning?” suggested a Geffen Records executive. “Or how about a catchy number about the Spanish siesta, where they close for a little while in the afternoon and then open back up again?”

2002: Frank Black and The Catholics Transfer Problematic Drummer To Another Band

The ex-Pixies frontman was accused of taking a page from the Boston Archdiocese when it came to dealing with “bad apples” within his organization.

 

2011: Lou Reed Blames Recording of “Lulu” on Brief Period of Sobriety

“I was out of my mind sober when we made that fuckin’ record” said Reed. “I just hope I live long enough to record another album all fucked up like usual so I can redeem myself.”

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Make Our Spotify Wrapped Look Cooler This Year

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

There is nothing scarier than having bad taste in music. This is why your friends faint and go into convulsions every time you’re in charge of the aux cord. You’ve probably been thinking that they were just so excited to hear ‘Dopesmoker’ for the hundredth time that their nervous systems just couldn’t handle the rush of serotonin and dopamine, but you’ve never been known for your pattern recognition skills. Because we hate to see your friends writhe on the floor of your house as you alert them to every ‘sick drum fill’ that’s coming up, we’ve compiled a list of some newer tracks to try. It’s imperative that you do it for the sake of all involved.

Green Day “The American Dream Is Killing Me”

Green Day announced their 14th studio album “Saviors”, their first since 2020’s failed pop-rock experiment “Father of All Motherfuckers.” The new record finds the band working with producer Rob Cavallo for the first time since 2012 and hopes to harken back to previous stylings of the group’s signature sound. Lead single, “The American Dream Is Killing Me,” refreshingly sounds like it was plucked from the B-Sides of an early aughts session before everything started going terribly wrong for all of us.

Ghoul Lewis & The Boos “Gravedigger’s Ball”

Halloween is just around the corner, and if you’re trying to wrap up a playlist that will really carry your depressing Tuesday Night Halloween party all the way through until 9 p.m. when everyone remembers they have to work the next day, look no further than Nova Scotia’s most depraved video store employee Ghoul Lewis. Backed by a macabre band of various spooky musicians known simply as ‘The Boos,’ Lewis is making party jams for the undead, and you’re invited. “Gravedigger’s Ball” is a haunted blast that will surely get your shindig going hard until maybe even 9:30 p.m.

Teenage Halloween “Getting Bitter”

New Jersey’s Teenage Halloween have been making a steadily larger name for themselves since their eponymous debut album was released in 2020. Their second LP, “Till You Return,” dropped last week and carries on the band’s penchant for intense vulnerability wrapped in short and extremely satisfying power-punk compositions. Album standout “Getting Bitter” details a plea to a subject who has lost sight of themselves. Its earnest and brutally honest pieces of advice are delivered in an incredibly cathartic sing-along chorus, which brings to mind an old adage that says “when your friend is starting to become an asshole, just write an extremely catchy song about them and hope it works out.”

Private Mind “Disconnect”

Long Island’s Private Mind just released their second EP “The Truth You See” and it is a near-perfect start-to-finish firestarter of a release. Notable highlight ‘Disconnect’ packs nearly every facet of the past decade of melodic hardcore into a highly digestible bite-sized three-minute barnburner. By the time the breakdown hits, you’ll be begging for seconds and possibly even thirds. For fans of ‘90’s inspired album art and ignorantly saying there hasn’t been a good hardcore band since 2003.

Glitterer “Plastic”

Title Fight will likely never get back together no matter how often you bitch about them on the internet. Fortunately Ned Russin’s solo-project-turned-full-band Glitterer is releasing a new album, “Rationale.” While Russin recorded nearly all of the instrumentation on Glitterer’s previous releases, building songs atop loops and synth grooved, he has now welcomed three full time band members into the fold. The resulting lead single “Plastic” brings a ferocity not previously heard in his work. It’s a chugging and heavy sound that will hopefully get insufferable thirty-somethings across the world to shut the fuck up about a Title Fight reunion for at least a little bit.

Sunn O))) “Evil Chuck”

Just in time to soundtrack your poor excuse for a ‘haunted house,’ Sunn O))) has dropped two new tracks. ‘Evil Chuck’ and ‘Ron G. Warrior.’ We’d put both on the playlist, but you kind of get the picture with just the one. Released as part of Sub Pop’s long running and revered ‘Singles Series,’ both tracks are practically preview-length versions of their typically interminable ambient drones. To celebrate the release, one of our writers came to work in a black robe, set a bass down on the floor, plucked all the strings at once and let it feedback for eight hours straight while live-streaming the entire event in the hopes of becoming the newest member of Sunn O))). Though we haven’t seen him since, we’re pretty sure it didn’t work.

Home Front “Jupiter”

Canada’s Home Front recently put out one of our staff’s favorite albums of the year so far. It’s not hard to understand why. Their sprawling style runs the gamut of synthpop, industrial, dance punk, and despite all odds, a little bit of hardcore to boot. Simply put, their debut album ‘Games of Power’ has something for nearly everyone. To say we were thrilled to learn that the group had released two new tracks – as well as a remix of ‘Games of Power’ standout, ‘Nation’ – would be an understatement. If you’re new to the band, which of course you are, you tasteless nerd, “Jupiter” is an excellent place to start. Its brooding arrangement neatly packages every aspect of the group’s chaotic leanings into the perfect primer.

Jhariah/Pinkshift “Eat Your Friends”

The future is here and it’s Jhariah. The Brooklyn-based artist has been championing and pushing the boundaries of theatrical emo-core since their first single dropped in 2017. The sound is pretty hard to place, blurring lines between early aughts emo legends like My Chemical Romance and nu-metal influences such as System of a Down. Their latest single “Eat Your Friends’ tags in fellow wall-breaking contemporaries Pinkshift (who are also the future) for a dramatic and chaotic arrangement that never ceases to let up in its intensity. The lyrics take aim at the highly competitive nature of the music industry, while the track’s driving Blood Brothers-esque vocals and dizzying guitars seem intent on destroying it altogether. Kind of like what you thought your failed hyperpop project was doing before you gave it up entirely.

Did you know that these songs are included on an official Hard Times playlist? Did you also know that there are like… a fuckton of other songs on it too? Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

We Asked Billy Corgan to Rank These Pumpkin Flavored Drinks and He Told Us to Go Fuck Ourselves

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

With October nearly in the books, we decided to take a look at some of the newer variety of pumpkin flavored beverages offered up this autumn. And we thought it’d be fun to do it with the most famous pumpkin of them all, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins.

Or so we thought.

When we surprised Corgan with our taste test at the start of the interview he just got really quiet and made a face. He chuckled and asked if this was a prank. Far from it, we told him, we thought our readers would get a kick out of it.

He told us to go fuck ourselves.

We know as well as anyone that Corgan can be a bit of a curmudgeon, but we thought he had a little bit of a sense of humor. He was on “The Simpsons” after all. But, no, we were wrong in that assumption as his frequent eye-rolling and head shaking are an indication that he’s preparing to scald us with some of the piping hot pumpkin flavored drinks we presented to him.

Also he’s still here.

He said we booked him for three hours to do this profile and he’s not leaving until it’s done. He’s just sitting there, drinking the pumpkin flavored tea we wanted him to rate. When we asked him how he liked it he gave us the finger and went back to looking at pictures of his cat on his phone.

He’s actually been drinking a lot of the pumpkin stuff we have out. He said if he’s going to be stuck here all afternoon, he’s going to need to get something in his system. We pointed out that he was halfway there with our original idea, but he told us it was the principle of not “playing our stupid fucking game” as he put it.

He mentioned the Faygo Pumpkin Soda tasted like shit, but he said if we printed that he’d have his lawyers tear us a new asshole. Telling him to relax a bit didn’t go well. He got really in one of our intern’s face, screaming something about integrity. When we asked him to sit down, he threw a chair across the room and just stood there with his arms crossed and stared at the floor for a weirdly long amount of time. It got really uncomfortable.

Hopefully the surprise appearance from Stephen Malkmus will lighten things up a little.

Skeleton Shortage Forces Home Depot To Start Killing 12-Foot-Tall People

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

ATLANTA — The popularity of Home Depot’s “12-Foot-Tall Skeleton” reached a fever pitch this year, and employees of the megastore chain were instructed to start murdering all all twelve feet tall people they see in order to harvest their bones, sources confirmed.

“We were faced with an economic crisis: the cost of the plastic and materials to make the 12-foot tall Skeleton just wasn’t viable,” said Ted Decker, president and CEO of The Home Depot. “After weeks of researching, we came to the conclusion that just straight up killing people and using their skeletons would be monumentally cheaper, and fall into line with our corporate values of putting money over innocent souls. Our biggest hurdle is finding anyone tall enough to qualify, so we’ve resorted to murdering anyone we deem to have ‘thick bones’ and we will assemble the pieces out back to make it work.”

This new policy does not just pertain to the 12-foot skeletons, but going forward every skeleton that Home Depot stocks will be obtained by humanely slaughtering anyone they can get their hands on.

“Most people decorating for Halloween love to go over the top with the giant skeletons and now have a surplus of the smaller skeletons. We have more bones than we know what to do with. Half my day is spent fending off coyotes trying to steal our inventory,” said Lou Peterson, a 20-year Home Depot employee and store manager. “But it’s also because with this new policy, the smaller, child-sized skeletons are much easier to obtain than their older, stronger skeleton counterparts if you catch my drift.”

“…My drift is that killing children is easy,” Peterson added after a brief pause.

Recent statistics show violent crime is up by a drastic rate anywhere within five miles of a Home Depot.

“When Home Depot decided to start killing people for skeletons, we realized we would need to do the same if we wanted to stay in business,” said Jack Willoughby, owner of ‘Jack’s Skeleton Emporium’. “I’m pretty sure that what I’ve done to keep the store stocked can be classified as a war crime. I can’t sleep at night without being haunted by the skeletons I’ve stocked, but at least every middle-class quirky adult can now proudly spend $300 on a lawn ornament their neighbors already have.”

Due to the increased supply and demand during this Halloween season, Home Depot announced an expanded line of novelty skeletons including dogs, cats, rabbits, and recently deceased loved ones.

Israeli Defense Minister Defends Decision to Bomb Civilians by Claiming Hamas Leaders Were Hiding Inside Local Children

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — Israel’s Defense Minister Yoav Gallant defended the continued bombing of Palestinian civilians by asserting Hamas leaders are hiding inside the local children, United States intelligence confirmed.

“It is our firm belief that the intricate tunnel systems Hamas used to launch a surprise attack on Israel run through most of the children in Gaza. And we know the Hamas leaders are currently hiding inside children as young as nine months old,” said Gallant. “We will continue our targeted attacks to flush out Hamas and bring them to justice. We will bomb every ‘safe evacuation route,’ refugee camp, and hospital in order to get it done. Also, any so-called humanitarian aid sent to feed these children will be considered an act of war against Israel and its number one ally and supporter the United States.”

Palestinian journalist Emad Saleh says the current assault on Gaza is the most devastating yet.

“There is nothing left. Buildings are flattened, there is no way to communicate with the outside world, and all food and water are being diverted away. Everyone here is being exterminated,” said Saleh. “We’ve tried to ask for help, but the world doesn’t care. People are trying to evacuate, but the roads out of the city are being blockaded and bombed. I’m not sure if the IDF has succeeded in killing any Hamas militants, but they are doing a great job taking out women and children.”

Comedian Amy Schumer continues to vocally support Israel’s attempt at genocide.

“So many people are saying Israel is bombing Gaza without doing their own research. From what I’ve seen it looks like Hamas built those fighter jets and tanks themselves and are bombing their own people,” said Schumer. “I think we can all agree we want this conflict to end as soon as possible, but the best case scenario would be a peaceful end that includes the West Bank being blown off the map. I’m just glad my tax dollars are finally going towards a righteous cause and I urge Joe Biden to send more weapons to Israel.”

At press time, Israeli officials admitted that they have not found any Hamas militants inside of any blown up children yet, but will keep trying.

The Definitive Timeline of Events for Every Halloween Pub Crawl

Posted on by James Knapp

Halloween: just one of many holidays that, upon reaching adulthood, is little more than an excuse to get absolutely shitfuck wasted without being judged as an alcoholic. But with this one, you also get to be reprehensibly sloshed while dressed as sexy Raggedy Ann and having eaten nothing all day but fun-size bags of Sour Patch Kids. As such, the Halloween pub crawl has become a vomit-slathered institution of the season, and we here at the Hard Times have broken down exactly how every spooktastic bar-hopping adventure turns out. Here is our definitive timeline of every Halloween pub crawl.

5:00 p.m.: The crawl begins

Well, this is only when the crawl begins in a technical sense. It’s the time that was used for the Facebook invite to have everyone meet up at your one responsible friend’s house before setting off to your first watering hole of the evening. Unfortunately, all your other friends are deluded assholes with no concept of time. Eventually you’re gonna just send anyone not there a passive-aggressive text and be on your way.

5:58 p.m.: Arrive at first location

This is your old familiar. Your neighborhood clubhouse. Where everybody knows your name and only three of them hate you. Naturally, you’re going to start the crawl here before you start progressively ruining your life over the course of the night.

6:06 p.m.: First round of Jager Bombs

They taste the way dropping out of community college feels.

7:23 p.m.: Everyone you invited from work leaves

You only invited them out of obligation and you can tell they didn’t want to be there to begin with. Frank from accounting said his costume was “man wearing shirt” and Phyliss, the elderly receptionist, very truly believes this is a celebration of witchcraft. So long, party poopers! It’s time for things to get weird.

7:52 p.m.: Arrive at second location

This is usually an upper-scale Irish pub kinda place that put in near-zero effort to decorate for Halloween but is still gonna charge $11 for a pint of Guinness because it’s “an event night.”

8:20 p.m.: Second round of Jager Bombs

When you look back on this evening tomorrow, in between intermittent bouts of vomiting while still wearing your knockoff Beetlejuice costume, you will likely see this as the high point of the night. Let that sad fact sink in for a minute.

8:45 p.m.: Friend with shittiest music taste decides to take over the jukebox

This is unavoidable even on non-Halloween bar nights. So partly for your own self-preservation, and also to teach your friend a lesson about staying in their lane, wait until they’ve queued up fifty bucks worth of “Monster Mash” and haunted house sound effects before ditching them and heading on to your next bar.

9:19 p.m.: Arrive at third location

This is the party bar. You won’t be able to hear a word anyone says to you over the shitty EDM that’s going to be blaring and the candy bowl on the bar is just a temporary replacement for their usual bowl of novelty condoms. You’ve made a huge mistake.

9:46 p.m.: Third round of Jager Bombs

It’s at this point that the cohesion of the crawl will rapidly begin to deteriorate. Pieces of costumes will be accidentally discarded. Weaker members of the group will begin to “Irish goodbye” into the night. And your bartenders’ attitude will shift from tolerant amusement to stoic confrontationalism. This is the beginning of the end.

10:01 p.m.: Some guy dressed as Joker hits on everyone’s girlfriend

He definitely wasn’t there when the crawl started and no one can really pin down exactly how it is you know him. But the way he’s wringing his hands together suggestively while staring literally at all of the breasts indicates he truly does wanna watch the world burn.

10:22 p.m.: Cocaine!!!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!!!

11:49 p.m.: Arrive at fourth location

This place was not on the agenda. But someone at the last bar said it sounded cool and every member of your crawl is hammered beyond giving a fuck.

12:27 a.m.: Fistfight with competing Halloween-themed bar crawl

They’re definitely tougher than you. And they had the forethought to coordinate a group costume, so it’s gonna look like you’re fighting one of those gangs from “The Warriors.” But you’re already all full of Jager and blow and the pride of the crawl is at stake. Swing away you drunken goons!

1:18 a.m.: Derek gets arrested

Sigh. There’s always a Derek.

1:58 a.m.: Arrive at fifth location

You aren’t even sure if this one is an actual bar – it might just be some guy’s yard. If it is a bar though, you’re gonna walk in two minutes before close and get denied service. Unless this is a 4 a.m. bar, in which case the bartender is immediately going to see what a drunken gaggle of half-costumed jerkasses you are, lie to you that it’s actually a 2 a.m. bar and deny you service anyway.

2:09 a.m.: Pass out in UberXL

When you wake up tomorrow afternoon, be sure to tip this driver very well – because they’re the one who dragged you inside your apartment even after you tried to pee in their cupholder. Hope you enjoyed the crawl! Only 54 more days until you get to do this again on Christmas!

Progressive White Women in Shambles After Taylor Swift Becomes Billionaire

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK – A recent Bloomberg report announced that Taylor Swift’s wealth is now an estimated $1.1 Billion, after her record-breaking Eras tour and left many progressive, leftist white women reeling with feelings of confusion and uncertainty.

“It’s been a fascinating phenomenon to witness Taylor’s major fan base, liberal and more recently, ‘progressive because it’s cool,’ white women be in complete shambles upon her billionaire status being announced,” said NYU Professor of Sociology, Michelle Stoakes. “You see, to this group of women; Taylor can do no wrong. However, also to this group of women, billionaires are evil puppy-eating plankton who deserve to be electrocuted. So you see their predicament? This will certainly be a sociological marvel to be studied for decades and you wonder if Taylor will be spared when the lower classes finally rise up and take back all of the wealth billionaires have been hoarding.”

For some of these white women, this is the first time they have ever been faced with an ethical dilemma of these proportions.

“I voted for Bernie. I posted the black square and then eventually deleted it. I did everything a good leftist, white woman is supposed to do,” said Brooklyn Socialist activist and dedicated Swiftie, Jamie Klein. I simply never thought this day would come, when my hero, Taylor Swift, would become a billionaire. I know she’s always been wealthy, but I thought it was like ‘private school’ wealthy, not ‘multiple private islands’ wealthy. I’ve tweeted ‘All Billionaires should have a date with a guillotine.’ I’m hoping this is all a clerical error and Taylor still just has 999 million dollars.”

Knowing backlash on her daughter’s wealth would be imminent, Swift’s mother Andrea weighed in to defend her years of hard work.

“Listen, we hear everyone. We are tapped into the zeitgeist! We see everyone being mad at Jeff Bezos and Elon and that other one. But Taylor would never do bad things with her money,” said Mrs. Swift. “This is my baby we’re talking about! She simply wants to continue housing recent divorcees in her many NYC condos and maybe buy the Kansas City Chiefs or whatever! Her and Travis are really looking to settle down and focus on what really matters–getting some of this money into an off-shore account stat.”

At press time, enrollment in the Democratic party among formerly progressive white women tripled since the release of “1989 Taylor’s Version” with many of them applauding Swift’s “girl boss” moves.

Ambitious Black Metal Band Visits U.S. To Burn Down Megachurch

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

HOUSTON — Self-starter Norwegian black metal band Necrocide flew to America with the goal of setting fire to a Megachurch, sources confirmed.

“We’ve been burning down local modestly sized houses of worship for years, but we believe we’re talented and experienced enough to take things to the international stage,” said lead singer Jurgen Trenton. “To express extreme power, reawaken Odin, and return the world to a Pagan state, we must target the largest Christian edifice—the Lakeland Church in Houston, Texas, America. We’ve even added a third and fourth guitarist to have enough labor to pull off this expedition. Consider them touring musicians, even though we weren’t able to book any shows during our stay here.”

Despite Trenton’s lofty aspirations, burning the Lakeland Church poses numerous challenges to would-be arsonists.

“Even with all the blessings bestowed upon me and the church’s parishioners, the Lord challenges us with external threats against our gospel and our wonderful physical church,” said Lakeland Church Pastor Joel Osteen. “The devil has sent ne’er do wells to destroy us before in the form of immigrants and flood refugees, and we have persevered. The Lord is on our side, supplying us with a police auxiliary post, a fully tax-exempt private security force, and state-of-the-art fire suppression system. Let us not forget that God’s Earthly representative Governor Greg Abbott ensures me that the Texas National Guard will be instantly dispatched to smite any unwanted visitors on the grounds.”

Necrocide is not the first black metal act to attempt arson on an American house of worship.

“I sincerely wish them luck on this unholy endeavor. There are unexpected challenges when embarking on any sort of tour. We had no problem getting gunpowder from the Sky Arsenal Fireworks Warehouse, but we lacked the proper identification papers to procure a rental van and fertilizer,” said Angus Funte of the Finnish band Coagulance who once traveled to Oklahoma for this exact reason. “Unable to properly set the church ablaze, we went to menace and terrorize the parishioners with our black robes and corpse paint. The church was actually hosting a gun show in the parking lot, and the people there were surprisingly very cool. They shared our views on racial purity and the truth about the reptilians controlling the New World Order. We easily acquired firearms and sick paramilitary gear. I just wish we brought our instruments so we could’ve played some shows.”

At press time, the band revealed that if they fail to scorch the megachurch they will pivot to burning down one of those venomous snake-handling chapels.

Self-Conscious 12 Foot Tall Skeleton Lists Height as 14 Feet on Hinge

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SPOKANE, Wash. — A 12-foot tall Home Depot skeleton found himself under a mountain of skepticism after listing his height as 14 feet on Hinge, users of the app have reported.

“Why is every one of my Hinge matches making such a big deal out of this? So I have one hangup about my height and I slightly embellished it, it’s not like that makes me an evil skeleton. If you were the tallest lawn decoration on the block and some slightly taller Amazon skeleton with insane rizz showed up next door, you might mentally grow a foot or two as well,” said the skeleton. “I didn’t think so many people would fact check my height when I’m already taller than a bus, but I guess being bisexual with a steady job doesn’t get you as far these days.”

One of the skeletons past dates admits she would have looked past his white lie if he hadn’t made height the center of the conversation.

“I’ve had some bad dates, but dinner with the Home Depot skeleton was by far the most awkward. As soon as we sat down at our table he blurted out that scoliosis runs in his family and that’s why he looks shorter than he is, as if he didn’t nearly hit every light fixture in the restaurant,“ said local woman Megan Weller. “And then he spent an hour trying to gaslight me into believing I was eight feet tall, which would make him 14 feet or some fucking boy math bullshit. I should’ve known better than to assume there was a brain in that gigantic skull of his.”

Relationship experts pointed out that nearly every online dating profile contains some kind of white lie, including those of seasonal lawn decorations.

“Dating in general is a biological game of showing off to attract a potential mate, so it only makes sense that even garish outdoor Halloween decorations will instinctively bolster their appearance to grab attention,” said psychologist and couple’s counselor Richard Bauman. “This behavior is predominant on dating apps with usual tropes like taking photos from low angles or pictures with decorations shorter than them. They can lie all they want, because it’s much harder to convince your date that your C batteries are really D cells.”

As of press time, the skeleton deleted Hinge out of frustration after seeing Weller walking down the street with popular “short king” Lewis, the spooky Target jack-o-lantern.

Opinion: Your House Isn’t Haunted, It’s Just a Piece of Shit

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Well, that concludes our paranormal investigation of your turn-of-the-century Victorian farmhouse. After using numerous spirit-locating devices and other elaborate ghost-searching tools, we’re happy to conclude that your home is definitely not haunted. However, and perhaps more seriously, your house is just a real piece of shit. Nobody should want to live here, including the undead.

We want to assure you that our examination into the supernatural activity you claim to have witnessed was both professional and thorough. We did an exhaustive room-by-room check from top to bottom and found zero evidence of any ghouls, phantoms, demons, poltergeists, babadooks, or any other frightening entities from the pits of hell. What we did find was a structurally unsound dwelling literally sinking into the ground, a severe termite infestation, black mold so thick that it seemed to have a pulse, and most frightening of all knob and tube wiring. It appears the only entity with a death wish is you.

The smell of rotting flesh you complained about wasn’t due to any malevolent forces, but rather to the large piles of half-eaten take-out containers littering your entire main floor. And that weird thumping sound you heard at night wasn’t traced to any ethereal beings trying to send you a message from the great beyond, but could simply be attributed to the fact that your HVAC unit is old as all fuck. If there was a message you should receive, it would be to bulldoze this place as soon as possible before becomes a Superfund site.

Your real estate agent lied to you when they said this house has “good bones.” It doesn’t. It has shit bones and needs to be condemned immediately. I haven’t seen air quality this bad since I helped clear the rubble at Ground Zero.

Houses are like plants. The more love and attention you give them, the stronger they get. But when you start neglecting them, the toilets can easily start overflowing because of all the paper towels you somehow thought were a good idea to continually flush down for what seems like decades.

Look on the bright side, you can definitely make some cash renting this place out as a House of Horrors if you want to. Just make sure the guests sign waivers in case they get attacked by one of the many diseased possums living inside the walls.