50 Jobs You Can Have If You Look Like Danzig But Have No Musical Talent

Posted on by Matt McInerney

We don’t mean to imply Glenn Danzig has a wealth of musical talent; we all know the 12-foot Frankenstein probably did all of the writing or whatever. But let’s say, unfortunately, you too look like a soggy he-witch with a Carrot-Top-physique. The job hunt probably hasn’t been easy, and if you’re not already on tour or working steadily as a session musician, we’re sure you could use some help. Look no further, we’ve got your weirdly muscly back.

Editor’s Note: The Hard Times does not believe in making light of one’s appearance, besides crust punks, but this is one of the rare cases where it is acceptable to make fun. It’s a short list, but you can still tease Danzig and Steven Miller—God, this must be what smoking on an airplane felt like. Okay, here we go.

50. CEO of a Company That Creates Custom Leather Pouches for 20-Sided Dice

Looking like Danzig probably isn’t going to do you a lot of favors if you’re looking to climb the corporate ladder. But if you’re looking to level up through class ranks, you’re in luck. You know who’s willing to pay for their hobby, despite what your LinkedIn profile picture looks like? Dungeon Masters who probably look like you anyway.

49. Dungeon Master

Or just go straight to being a Dungeon Master. You can even wear a cloak if you want to. You can do voices, right? We think you should do voices. What’s the difference between a troll and an elf? Work it out.

48. Environmental Remediation Specialist

You know how to totally avoid judgment of your appearance? Put on a full-body HAZMAT suit. And with all of the spooky paraphernalia you’ve been collecting your whole life, dealing with hazardous waste will be a cakewalk. As a bonus, they’ll probably let you keep any horrifying thing you find.

47. Guy Who Looks for Bigfoot on History Channel Knockoffs

Fine, “Cryptozoologist,” nerd. Whatever you call it, the weirder you look the better. Now get out there and tell that camera why you missed this elusive beast again!

46. Night Watchman for an Estate That Is Clearly Haunted

Think the eerie Newport mansions, where every opulent hallway and room is shrouded in haunting melancholy. The Gothic spires and ominous shadows cast by the grand chandeliers make you feel right at home. As a bonus, everyone knows that thick jet-black hair means you are immune to ghosts.

45. End-of-Life Services Specialist

A.K.A. Funeral Home Employee. We don’t think you’re up for the director title just yet. Plus, no one’s looking at you. The families are much more focused on the grief and the exorbitant amount you are charging for a casket. We just can’t believe they picked a KISS casket over an Official Original Misfits™ one.

44. Taxidermist

Dead men tell no tales and dead animals absolutely don’t judge. Even if you form their cute little inanimate faces into kind of a judgy frown, you fucking weirdo. Who else can turn a hobby of stuffing the once-living into a career of perpetual still life? Only a face not even a mother would give a job to.

43. Crime Scene Cleanup Specialist

If you can deal with the smell, you’re in! No questions asked. Maybe besides… What do you normally do that this doesn’t bother you? As you mop up the remnants of someone’s last bad day, remember, you’re the one who never learned to read a tab.

42. Bouncy Dinosaur Suit Entertainer at Parks or Zoos

Yes, more suit stuff. But hey, at least you’re the center of attention this time, even if it’s the outfit getting all the laughs. Just watch out, the last guy got his eyes gouged out by a child trying to reach into the dinosaur’s mouth.

41. Paranormal Investigator

You don’t even have to do anything real! Just buy a machine that beeps, and then yell “apparition” or something from time to time. And who knows? With your spooky aura, maybe some real spirits will show up, and you’ll be back on a lesser History Channel.

40. Barber in a Place That Serves You One Beer with a Haircut

You know the kind of place. Maybe it’s called “Duke’s” or something. They have a greaser type, a punk, a hipster. You might have to grow a beard but you’ll make it work. You’ll get along well with the lady next to you who is still trying to explain the moral ambiguity of her serial killer portrait sleeve. And obviously, you’ll be known for crafting perfect devilocks.

39. Reptile Handler

This one is simple. You get to wear a big Crocodile Dundee hat, and it pretty much covers your face.

38. Falconer

Another easy one. People are looking at the falcon. You’re not the star of this show, bud.

37. eBay Seller of Vintage Game Consoles

The need for N64s is back, and you’re ready to fill that market gap. You might be worried about having to interact with people when dropping off packages at the post office, but after learning about Stamps.com on your favorite D&D Podcast, you can avoid the small talk entirely. It’s just you and Mario from here on out.

36. The Next Stephen King

Put that spooky look to the test. Buy a hauntingly distinctive mansion in Bangor, ME and lock yourself away until you’ve produced the next Dreamcatcher. We’ve never read Dreamcatcher actually, is it any good?

35. Podcast Host

You’ve got a face for radio and a voice for the void. Just make that 80th Squarespace ad read sound a little more natural, please.

34. Beekeeper

Certainly, the mask helps. And the bees don’t care about your face, they’re more interested in your fear.

33. Hot Topic Store Manager

Sorry if this is so obvious but we’re just trying to be helpful. They’ll even compliment you on your weird Jack Skellington tattoo that you got when you were 15 and asked a man in a dirty garage to trace from a picture of Pete Wentz.

32. Dog Walker Who You Trust With The Thing You Love the Most But You Never Actually Meet in Person

The humans are all at work anyway. Just hope a man that looked like Danzig didn’t abandon this scared rescue dog you’re about to pick up.

31. Kombucha Homebrewer

Mother! Actually, keeping her in the dark for life is a pretty good idea. A mother needs a dark wet area to flourish, so keep it healthy and you’ve got a gut-healthy good business in your closet. Sell it spiked on the side for some extra cash.

30. Supplier for Theatrical or Special Effects Materials

We’re saying get a job as the guy who buys pig blood for Rob Zombie movies. It’s not about who you are, it’s about how real the gore looks. And maybe how cheap you can get a gallon of… something’s blood.

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Eric Trump Repeatedly Testifies That It’s His Turn To Play With Judge’s “Big Wood Hammer”

Posted on by James Knapp

NEW YORK — Eric Trump continually derailed the proceedings in the $250 million fraud case against the Trump family and their company when he took the stand and repeatedly insisted it was his turn to play with the gavel, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I want it now! I know the first lady!” said the third Trump child, much to the chagrin of his father’s legal team. “Two weeks ago I saw a fire truck and they honked the horn for me. Then, then my dad gave me a bunch of papers and we put them in my Jansport backpack and he said ‘These are very special papers, if anyone asks to see them scream as loud as you can.’ Then he got mad at me because I lost the mittens he pinned to my jacket. And since I’ve been so good and haven’t revealed any of the frauds I should get to play with the hammer. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!”

The judge in the case gave his perspective in between chain-smoking Parliaments like he’s never done before.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I thought I would be dealing with an adult, or at least a person who can pass as an adult, but he was a mess. He had chocolate on his lips like he just ate a big Hershey Bar, and he kept burping and saying ‘scuse me,’” said New York Supreme Court Justice Arthur Engoron. “I almost had to have my bailiff restrain Mr. Trump because he kept trying to climb out of the stand and onto my bench so he could peak under my robe. Can we just convict these meatballs already so I can get back to my usual illegal dealings?”

Donald Trump’s reelection communications director, Steven Cheung, was not bothered by the younger Trump’s time on the stand.

“Who the hell does that judge think he is? If Eric wants to play with the gavel then give the kid the gavel. Does this judge go to local pre-schools and knock the Bluey stuffed animals out of the kids’ hands? It’s outrageous and clearly a violation of the First Amendment,” said Cheung. “Everyone in this courtroom wants their turn with the loud hammer and it’s unfair that the old man in the stupid robe gets to have all the fun and be the only one yelling. I can’t wait to get Trump reelected so we can have this guy executed.”

At press time, the Trump campaign denied knowledge of a trial and asked us to leave.

New App Connects People Who Want to Lie in Bed Together Like the Grandparents From “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”

Posted on by Sara Božin

LOS ANGELES – An unusual new app called NapR is making socializing considerably easier for homebodies by connecting users who just want to lie in bed like the grandparents from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” according to sources.

“Are you tired? Do you like having friends, but the thought of going out makes you want to throw up and die? Have you ever scrolled through a dating app and wished it was somehow less productive? Then you’ll love NapR, an app for when you feel you should be social, but have no desire to do anything about it,” said the app’s lead marketer Julia Feinweather. “NapR’s advanced algorithm pairs you up with locals who are also interested in lying around and doing nothing for days at a time. It even matches you with others who have similar aches and pains, so you can complain together about your rapidly decaying bodies.”

NapR Premium member and local couch potato Tony Esposito was more than willing to provide a glowing user testimonial.

“NapR is the best. It’s not just for the elderly, it’s for anyone who wants to just lie there with others and experience the full weight of existential horror together,” said Esposito, as he wrapped himself in a quilt and munched on butterscotch candies. “It’s also been really handy with rent prices going up. Living four people to a bed is the only way I can afford to stay in Los Angeles. The hardest part is finding a bedframe and mattress that fits four fully grown adults, but we make do.”

CEO and founder of NapR, Allen Kwon, recounted the events that inspired him to create the brilliant app.

“One night, I was lounging at home and I guess the edible I took was a bit too strong. For the next several hours, I thought that I was witnessing a madman create sugary, personalized deathtraps for children to succumb to their own hubris in, like a candy-coated Jigsaw,” explained Kwon, with a haunted expression. “When it wore off, I realized I was just watching ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.’ After that, several scenes from that movie really stuck with me and got me thinking on a deeper level.”

Sources indicate that Kwon is currently working on another app that will provide support for people who have been turned into blueberries.

Silver Lining? He Can’t Hide a Body Under His Bed if His Mattress Is on the Floor

Posted on by Dom Turek

It’s common sense that the higher a man’s mattress is off the floor, the more secrets he’s hiding. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you read a news article or watched a movie about someone finding something benevolent under a bed?

Since the fifteenth century, the negative space under a bed has been associated with boogeymen and not much else. The best thing anyone’s found under there in recent years is a spare set of house keys, a dried cat turd, or the hastily dismembered body of an unlucky neighbor girl.

My partner should be so lucky I spend one-third of my life only seven inches from the floor. I can’t hide so much as a second phone or stack of divorce papers under my mattress without arousing suspicion, so why are modern men catching so much flack for having no bed frame?

The innately critical female gaze has been responsible for the spiritual deaths of more men than all the wars combined. Why hasn’t the UN launched a probe into this? No need for men to do peyote in the desert to experience an ego death. I have my wife right next to me reducing my manhood to dust with her list of grievances. Stop telling me your back hurts from sleeping on the ground when clearly it hurts from shoveling the snow off the driveway I said I’d take care of last week.

If you think I’m being dramatic, let’s just assume I finally get the gall to murder my neighbor who’s always letting his shiba inu shit all over my lawn. Once he’s reported missing and police start searching houses, any detective with half a brain is going to look in one of three places. Under the bed, the bathtub, and in the closet. Well, they’d be shit out of luck, because I don’t have any of those things.

I can’t hide anything larger than an umbrella in my free-standing IKEA wardrobe. How do I know this? I tried to stow my hyper-realistic silicone sex doll in there before my landlord came by and she hasn’t looked me in the eye since.

Every Fountains of Wayne Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Prolific songwriter Adam Schlesinger, who played bass for Fountains of Wayne, was one of the founding members of the band, played in a supergroup called Tinted Windows with members of Hanson, yes that Hanson, Smashing Pumpkins, and Cheap Trick, and in a cool AF flex wrote the theme song to “That Thing You Do!” sadly passed away from Covid-19. Schlesinger’s reverential melodic legacy is unrivaled by most, and his talent is missed forever. Today we rank the Fountains of Wayne albums for your reading pleasure.

5. Sky Full of Holes (2011)

The four-piece’s final studio album was a solid swan song but sadly one record had to be listed in the dreaded lowest position, and this moon with a curious amount of loopholes loses. Still, like all Fountains of Wayne LPs, this one is awesome, and it’s, of course, critically acclaimed. Admittedly a little folkier than their previous four LPs, likely inspired by their prior acoustic rock and roll tours, “Sky Full Of Holes” comes in at number five mostly because it had the least amount of replay spins in the band’s concise catalog that is not sponsored by Victoria’s Secret but endorsed by High Times. This makes sense because all rockers eventually grow fold!

Play it again: “The Summer Place”
Skip it: “Firelight Waltz”

4. Traffic and Weather (2007)

Hip-hop, country music, and post-grunge squall, yep, we said squall, can take a partial summer vacation, as we’re applying some number forty-five sunblock and putting up a sign saying, “Gone fishing for power pop!”: 2007 was a superb year for pop-rock or whatever a California sex lawyer wants to call it with Jimmy Eat World’s underrated “Chase This Light” LP, Mae’s also underrated “Singularity” record, Say Anything’s tad long but still tasty “In Defense of the Genre,” and “The Big Doe Rehab” from klezmer mastermind Ghostface Killah. However, Fountains of Wayne’s fourth album “Traffic and Weather” got lost in a miserable combo of bad LA traffic and worse Woodland Hills weather. Still, “Maureen” is one of the band’s catchiest, and we’re not tipping over any seatbacks/tray tables for saying such. We want you around so please read below for our takes on the group’s first three.

Play it again: “Maureen”
Skip it: “Planet Of Weed”

3. Self-Titled (1996)

As you know, you only get one chance to make a debut record. The band’s self-titled offering, is a solid 90s pop-rock record and a debut that sets the smart and well-constructed tone for the band’s following four LPs. Barbara H., Barbara Streisand, Barbara Bush, and the script from Pamela Anderson’s Nobel prize-winning “Barbed Wire” must be proud of FOW for starting things off in style, elegantly showcasing that the band has got a flair for the dramatics/department store stylings.

Play it again: “Sink to the Bottom”
Skip it: “Everything’s Ruined”

 

2. Welcome Interstate Managers (2003)

We know that you won’t admit that you’re here because of the band’s biggest hit by a millennium and this album’s amazing single “Stacy’s Mom,” but we know the truth about you, your family, your lack of friends, and your lack of taste about all things life. Anyway, “Welcome Interstate Managers” opens with Fountains of Wayne’s best song “Mexican Wine,” and if you haven’t heard such, we implore you to stop reading this ranking piece right now and take a few minutes out of your non-busy schedules to spin it. If you previously heard said track, you’re in the oh-so-cool club, but if you disagree with our take on the track, you’re not only dead to us, but you deserve to rot in a dump. Also, you may have a Napster version of “Stacy’s Mom” incorrectly tagged as Bowling for Soup.

Play it again: “Mexican Wine”
Skip it: “Hung Up On You”

1. Utopia Parkway (1999)

We once read in an inferior publication that “Utopia Parkway,” Fountains of Wayne’s only “no skip” studio album was endorsed by Sir Elton “I Am Not Billy Joel” John, and you should totally fact check us, because once you do, you will learn that Reginald actually phoned the band to sing its praises. Badass. While this album was both a grower and a shower sales size, its quirky single “Denise” which references the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy, was a minor hit for fans of life. Overall, “Utopia Parkway” is far from a sophomore slump, and the band metaphorically created an exciting laser show for all but antisemite Roger “Pink Floyd Now Has A Shitstain On Their Sonic Legacy” Waters with this record. We hope that several of its songs become prom themes for eternity and that you have a good day.

Play it again: “Denise”
Skip it: “Richards”

Day Significantly Improved Upon Remembering Rush Limbaugh Still Dead

Posted on by John Danek

DECATUR, Ga. — Somewhat depressed Janelle Lorrie found an extra spring in her step upon remembering that conservative radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh is still deceased, relieved friends reported.

“I haven’t been doing very well lately, but the other afternoon I was still in bed when I suddenly remembered how that dipshit fuckface Rush Limbaugh is dead forever and ever, it really made me smile,” said Lorrie, whose uncle would frequently cite Limbaugh during holiday dinners. “It motivated me to shower, leave my apartment, and walk around this beautiful world; something Rush can’t do ever again. And it inspired me to live more healthily so I can see the deaths of Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump, and Jack Antonoff, not because of Jack’s politics, I just find him annoying.”

Medical examiners describe the extra precautions taken when dealing with a high-profile death.

“This somewhat went against protocol, but I removed and burned Rush’s heart before embalming him because you can never be too sure,” recounted forensic pathologist Dirk Nantes, whose medical license was promptly revoked. “It was basically the Super Bowl of my career. I hope Rush is in hell looking up at us with the knowledge that the last person to touch his body was LGBTQ. I’ve been in a good mood since February 2021 and it ain’t going anywhere anytime soon.”

Mental health professionals reported a boost in positivity and outlook upon Limbaugh’s death by lung cancer.

“In general, most of my patients experienced a 5-20% increase in progress within minutes of learning that ol’ Rush bit it,” recounted Dr. Yuliya Morozov, who specializes in cognitive behavioral treatments. “Sometimes patients will get distracted by the personal traumas and hardships, but a simple reminder that Rush Limbaugh’s skeleton is slowly disintegrating to dust puts them back on track. His death really is his best work. In the longshot that this reminder doesn’t help my patients, I bring up the death of David Koch and that Mitch McConnell will soon join them any day now. That always does it.”

Fans of Limbaugh have reportedly begun a tradition of visiting his grave and leaving bottles of oxycontin as an offering.

30 Self Defense Techniques Ranked by Their Effectiveness Against Disney Adults

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s an unfortunate reality that we live in a world where no space is truly safe. In a sudden altercation, there’s no time to think. That’s why you need to be ready and train yourself to react properly to an attack. No matter how secure you think you are, you never know when you’ll suddenly find yourself face to face with a predator, an unhinged lunatic, or worse yet, a full-grown adult who is inexplicably loyal to the Disney corporation.

The cognitive dissonance involved in being a woke progressive while simultaneously championing one of the most oppressive corporations in human history can make the Disney adult one of the most dangerous people you will ever encounter in a street situation. Here are 30 self-defense techniques ranked by how effectively they can neutralize one of society’s most annoying attackers.

30. Tell Them You’re Not Big On Disney

Sometimes all you need to deter a potential attacker or Disney fan is to set strong verbal boundaries. Project confidence and be clear on your intent. Let them know right away they picked the wrong victim to talk mouse with.

29. Make A Scene

Another thing that can scare an attacker off is attention. Wave your arms around and loudly tell everyone around you “Hey everybody! This guy just said ‘The magic of Disney’ to me sincerely! He wants to know my top 3 princesses, help!” With any luck, the potential Disney adult will crack under the heat and flee to a dark alley where they belong.

28. Ready Stance

Legs straight, toes pointing forward, feet shoulder-width apart. Hold your arms in front of your body, with closed fists and elbows slightly bent. Let your attacker know you’re ready to do whatever is necessary should they try to talk Disney at you.

27. Ninja Vanish

Even if you’re confident you can take your opponent, they’re bound to get in a few annoying lines of creepy corporate worship before you neutralize them. Always avoid conflict if you can. Distract them by pointing behind them and saying “Is that Prince Eric?” then become one with the shadows.

26. Palm-Heel Strike

Research has shown that even an adult who watches old episodes of “Zack & Cody” has enough cognitive activity to be deterred by blunt strikes to the chin. It’s sort of like punching a shark. It doesn’t do much damage, but they’ll instinctively swim off for an easier one-sided conversation about Splash Mountain.

25. Hammerfist 

If you’ve ever swung a hammer you can land this blow, and let your would-be conversation hijacker know that they’re in for a whole new world of pain if they don’t shut up about the benefits of season passes to “the kingdom.”

24. Fighting Without Fighting

Use your cunning. Tell the Disney adult that there simply isn’t enough room for your Disney talk style here. Point to a small rowboat off the pier, and suggest taking it to a small island where there is more room. Once they get in the boat, push it adrift. Hand the rope over to a pack of vengeful children who will delight in taunting a grown adult who happily shells out $300 for their own lightsaber.

23. Eye Gouge

If your opponent can’t see, they can’t access their photo album and prove to you that they have in fact met every legacy character at both Orlando and Anaheim.

22. Elbow Strike

In a street Disney adult situation, there is rarely time to think. Just bash the hardest part of your body into the softest spot on theirs you can find and run.

21. Alternative Elbow Strike

If you’re starting from the outside you can recruit your abdominals to give that elbow strike some extra power. They’ll be on the ground faster than you can say “You’re talking about a company that banned ‘ethnic’ hairstyles for their employees until like 2 years ago, stop loving them.”

20. Harry Potter/JK Rowling Combo

Most Disney adults are also Harry Potter fans, and this fake-out move exploits that. Casually mention the franchise, and just before they tell you which house they’re in, hit them with “Don’t you think it’s troubling to support a property created by a transphobic TERF like JK Rowling?” They’ll short-circuit like a robot trying to solve a riddle. Just watch out for the sparks.

19. Knee Strike

When you’re in a corner and someone is in your personal space praising CGI-laden live-action remakes of animated classics, there’s no time to think. You’re going to want to strike them with as much force as possible as fast as possible. A quick knee strike to the abdomen should incapacitate your corporate shill attacker long enough for you to run away and live happily ever after.

18. Push Kick

You’re enjoying a coffee at a cafe with a rainbow flag out front. You think you’re in a safe space. You’re approached by someone in a well-cultivated thrift shop garb and a “them/they” pin on the lapel of their coat. “What could go wrong?” you think. Suddenly, they ask how many times you’ve seen the latest movie by Disney, a company that shies away from making characters openly gay so that their films sell better in China. The push kick is your ticket to some much-needed distance between you and whatever the hell that’s all about.

17. Rear Naked Choke

Some people call Disney a cult and accuse their fans of being lemmings who would blindly jump off a cliff at the company’s behest. This is categorically false. Lemmings do not jump off cliffs. That is a myth created by the 1958 Disney nature documentary “White Wilderness” in which filmmakers threw lemmings off of a cliff and edited the footage to make it look like they jumped—that’s fucking true. If you’re cornered by someone who can turn a blind eye to that because the Lion King soundtrack “slaps,” you’re going to want them completely incapacitated as fast as possible, so go with a rear naked choke if you can pull it off.

16. Groin Strike (Knee)

You accidentally roll your eyes at the mention of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in front of the wrong person. Suddenly they’re an inch away from you demanding you name a more compelling villain than Thanos, the purple alien. Here are two more compelling villains for you: a quick knee to the groin and a fast getaway!

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Metallica Sues Bootlegger for Printing Coolest Looking Metallica T-Shirt Made in Past 35 Years

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ST. LOUIS — Members of Metallica, the biggest and undoubtedly most financially successful metal band of all time, are suing a 27-year-old fan for producing merchandise that looks cooler than anything the band has created since the late 1980s, greasy-haired sources report.

“After all these years these assholes are still making a buck off Metallica’s hard work and it drives me crazy, man,” said Metallica’s drummer Lars Ulrich. “These jerks standing outside the venue selling shirts a full $20 cheaper and a hell of a lot cooler looking than the stuff at our merch table are making it hard for us to make a living.  Their shirts have all the cool skulls and like, electrocuted dudes that everyone loves, our current shirts have our name with some fuzzy barbed wire and people at the merch table are embarrassed to sell it. It’s just frustrating to see someone attempting to challenge the integrity and reputation Metallica has kept all these years.”

Bootlegger Alex Ramirez says the true fans desire the classic style merch Metallica made in their heyday.

“Listen. It’s pretty simple: if Metallica made cooler merch, I wouldn’t have to make my own homemade t-shirts. It’s on them at this point,” Ramirez stated. “Seriously! How the hell can they honestly believe anyone is going to want to wear a shirt with that awful dogshit ’72 Seasons’ album cover on it? Let alone charge $50 bucks a pop! Fans want the old Pushead art, and I think I’m pretty good at imitating his work. They could always hire me to do graphic design for them, I’d love a chance to work with my favorite band. But right now the lawyers for Metallica are saying they want to bankrupt me and my entire family.”

Leading economist who specializes in the gig economy Rachel Hume explains how detrimental bootlegging merch can be to certain bands.

“It’s no secret bootlegging merch hurts bands. Some find it as sort of complimenting them and others see it as theft, and rightfully so,” Hume said. “But a band like Metallica can afford to lose at most $200 bucks from a shirt some kid spent hours on in their basement creating. How about some more ‘Harvester of Sorrow’ art on your shirts and less ‘LuLu?’ This is just a problem most bands who aren’t Metallica don’t typically have to deal with.”

At press time, Metallica issued a cease and desist order on a couple of parents who were caught singing the line “Hush Little Baby” to their newborn child.

Pro-Trump Courtroom Sketch Artist Keeps Drawing Former President as Jacked Superman While Testifying

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Veteran courtroom sketch artist, and self-proclaimed “MAGA diehard,” Terry Bonilla was reprimanded by county officials for continually drawing former President Donald Trump as Superman during his fraud trial, sources confirmed.

“I’m just drawing Trump exactly as I see him in court, with his biceps rippling after a long day of draining the swamp, his traps bulging through his suit jacket from carrying our Democracy on his broad shoulders, and don’t even get me started on the overwhelming bulge in his pants. God willing I’ll be able to sketch that treasure someday,” said Bonilla. “I was told to draw him ‘normal’ or else I’d be fired. But I really can’t draw him any other way, it wouldn’t be my truth. I was also told I needed to stop drawing Letitia James as the devil. It seems like Trump isn’t the only one under a gag order in this room.”

Court Stenographer Carolynn Aimes says it’s distracting working next to Bonilla.

“My job is to listen and type out what is being said by the prosecution and defense, but all day I can hear Terry scribbling on his notepad saying ‘Go get ‘em Donny’ under his breath. And any time Mr. Trump stands up Terry stands at attention and salutes,” said Aimes. “And any time the former president shifts in his chair or coughs or anything Terry starts pumping his fist like he’s cheering on the Knicks. I tried moving my chair the other day, but he set up behind me and kept talking about how our new angle really shows off Trump’s strong core.”

Lyle Hill, the owner and proprietor of a store dedicated to Trump memorabilia, hopes to get his hands on some of the courtroom sketches.

“I wish I could be in that courtroom supporting my president. Unfortunately, I have a few warrants and if I show up to the court I might not walk out. Either way, it brings a tear to my eyes to see Trump portrayed so accurately in media,” said Hill. “I’ve noticed that normal photographs of Trump don’t sell well. It turns out modern cameras can’t quite capture his muscle definition and stature. It takes a true visionary to draw Trump as the mountain of muscles we all see him as. I’ve been sending all the profits from my store to the Trump defense fund, I hope he comes by to visit when this all blows over.”

At press time, Bonilla was debating on how gigantic he should draw Ivanka Trump’s boobs while on the stand.

Punk Girl Scout Selling Loose Cookies at Show

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Girl Scout Teresa Evans recently broke all regional sales records by selling single cookies at a Gutter Slug show, according to witnesses covered in Thin Mint crumbs.

“After years of selling cookies by the rules, I finally decided it was time for a new strategy,” said Evans of Troop 144. “Last year I sold 42 boxes of cookies, and our cut was like six bucks. The faceless corporation called ‘Girl Scouts’ takes all the profits and barely kicks anything back to the little girl on the street. But I’m not standing for it anymore. I realized that I could make a killing if I tapped into the local punk scene, they are a market the Scouts never target. At $3 a cookie, I’m getting damn near $100 a box, all profit. I’m not messing around.”

Gil ‘Roach’ Brewer, merch guy for Gutter Slug, witnessed the hustle and could only stand in awe as everyone spent all their cash on cookies.

“Friday nights I can usually sell quite a few t-shirts, maybe even a hoodie. But then I looked up at one point and everyone in the club was drawn to this girl. I just figured she showed up with a bottle of ludes, but then I said, that’s no pill, that’s a fuckin’ Thin Mint,” said Brewer while counting the measly singles left in his wallet. “She was stealing all my business, but when she broke out the Samoas, I couldn’t help myself. I gotta admit that’s a pretty genius idea.”

Melissa Gerrard, leader of Troop 144, is proud of her capitalist protegee.

“It’s the same shit, every year. Go out and sell, sell, sell. We’re out there on the streets slinging these cookies for weeks, and for what? A few extra dollars? This year, I just said ‘fuck it,’ I encouraged these girls to DIY this shit,” said Gerrard gleefully. “Teresa has always been quick on her feet and the idea fell out of her like a tooth hitting the most pit floor, it was no brainer. We now have plans to hit five more bars Saturday night, and you better believe we’ll be stocked with all your favorites.”

At press time, Troop 144 had sold 476 boxes worth of loose cookies for a profit of $44,353.