We don’t mean to imply Glenn Danzig has a wealth of musical talent; we all know the 12-foot Frankenstein probably did all of the writing or whatever. But let’s say, unfortunately, you too look like a soggy he-witch with a Carrot-Top-physique. The job hunt probably hasn’t been easy, and if you’re not already on tour or working steadily as a session musician, we’re sure you could use some help. Look no further, we’ve got your weirdly muscly back.
Editor’s Note: The Hard Times does not believe in making light of one’s appearance, besides crust punks, but this is one of the rare cases where it is acceptable to make fun. It’s a short list, but you can still tease Danzig and Steven Miller—God, this must be what smoking on an airplane felt like. Okay, here we go.
50. CEO of a Company That Creates Custom Leather Pouches for 20-Sided Dice
Looking like Danzig probably isn’t going to do you a lot of favors if you’re looking to climb the corporate ladder. But if you’re looking to level up through class ranks, you’re in luck. You know who’s willing to pay for their hobby, despite what your LinkedIn profile picture looks like? Dungeon Masters who probably look like you anyway.
49. Dungeon Master
Or just go straight to being a Dungeon Master. You can even wear a cloak if you want to. You can do voices, right? We think you should do voices. What’s the difference between a troll and an elf? Work it out.
48. Environmental Remediation Specialist
You know how to totally avoid judgment of your appearance? Put on a full-body HAZMAT suit. And with all of the spooky paraphernalia you’ve been collecting your whole life, dealing with hazardous waste will be a cakewalk. As a bonus, they’ll probably let you keep any horrifying thing you find.
47. Guy Who Looks for Bigfoot on History Channel Knockoffs
Fine, “Cryptozoologist,” nerd. Whatever you call it, the weirder you look the better. Now get out there and tell that camera why you missed this elusive beast again!
46. Night Watchman for an Estate That Is Clearly Haunted
Think the eerie Newport mansions, where every opulent hallway and room is shrouded in haunting melancholy. The Gothic spires and ominous shadows cast by the grand chandeliers make you feel right at home. As a bonus, everyone knows that thick jet-black hair means you are immune to ghosts.
45. End-of-Life Services Specialist
A.K.A. Funeral Home Employee. We don’t think you’re up for the director title just yet. Plus, no one’s looking at you. The families are much more focused on the grief and the exorbitant amount you are charging for a casket. We just can’t believe they picked a KISS casket over an Official Original Misfits™ one.
Dead men tell no tales and dead animals absolutely don’t judge. Even if you form their cute little inanimate faces into kind of a judgy frown, you fucking weirdo. Who else can turn a hobby of stuffing the once-living into a career of perpetual still life? Only a face not even a mother would give a job to.
43. Crime Scene Cleanup Specialist
If you can deal with the smell, you’re in! No questions asked. Maybe besides… What do you normally do that this doesn’t bother you? As you mop up the remnants of someone’s last bad day, remember, you’re the one who never learned to read a tab.
42. Bouncy Dinosaur Suit Entertainer at Parks or Zoos
Yes, more suit stuff. But hey, at least you’re the center of attention this time, even if it’s the outfit getting all the laughs. Just watch out, the last guy got his eyes gouged out by a child trying to reach into the dinosaur’s mouth.
41. Paranormal Investigator
You don’t even have to do anything real! Just buy a machine that beeps, and then yell “apparition” or something from time to time. And who knows? With your spooky aura, maybe some real spirits will show up, and you’ll be back on a lesser History Channel.
40. Barber in a Place That Serves You One Beer with a Haircut
You know the kind of place. Maybe it’s called “Duke’s” or something. They have a greaser type, a punk, a hipster. You might have to grow a beard but you’ll make it work. You’ll get along well with the lady next to you who is still trying to explain the moral ambiguity of her serial killer portrait sleeve. And obviously, you’ll be known for crafting perfect devilocks.
39. Reptile Handler
This one is simple. You get to wear a big Crocodile Dundee hat, and it pretty much covers your face.
Another easy one. People are looking at the falcon. You’re not the star of this show, bud.
37. eBay Seller of Vintage Game Consoles
The need for N64s is back, and you’re ready to fill that market gap. You might be worried about having to interact with people when dropping off packages at the post office, but after learning about Stamps.com on your favorite D&D Podcast, you can avoid the small talk entirely. It’s just you and Mario from here on out.
36. The Next Stephen King
Put that spooky look to the test. Buy a hauntingly distinctive mansion in Bangor, ME and lock yourself away until you’ve produced the next Dreamcatcher. We’ve never read Dreamcatcher actually, is it any good?
35. Podcast Host
You’ve got a face for radio and a voice for the void. Just make that 80th Squarespace ad read sound a little more natural, please.
Certainly, the mask helps. And the bees don’t care about your face, they’re more interested in your fear.
33. Hot Topic Store Manager
Sorry if this is so obvious but we’re just trying to be helpful. They’ll even compliment you on your weird Jack Skellington tattoo that you got when you were 15 and asked a man in a dirty garage to trace from a picture of Pete Wentz.
32. Dog Walker Who You Trust With The Thing You Love the Most But You Never Actually Meet in Person
The humans are all at work anyway. Just hope a man that looked like Danzig didn’t abandon this scared rescue dog you’re about to pick up.
31. Kombucha Homebrewer
Mother! Actually, keeping her in the dark for life is a pretty good idea. A mother needs a dark wet area to flourish, so keep it healthy and you’ve got a gut-healthy good business in your closet. Sell it spiked on the side for some extra cash.
30. Supplier for Theatrical or Special Effects Materials
We’re saying get a job as the guy who buys pig blood for Rob Zombie movies. It’s not about who you are, it’s about how real the gore looks. And maybe how cheap you can get a gallon of… something’s blood.