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50 Jobs You Can Have If You Look Like Danzig But Have No Musical Talent

20. Fantasy Map Illustrator

Think of all the work you could get from Black Metal Frontmen alone. Custom drawings of Middle-Earth? That’d kill on Norwegian Etsy.

19. Boutique Tarot Card Reader

Somehow, you always pull the Death card and then have to explain that it’s not bad. It doesn’t even mean death, just change! But sometimes death.

18. Upcycled Furniture Craftsman

I think we’ve added enough buzzwords to make this a job. Maybe do some epoxy stuff like we keep seeing on YouTube. Just a man, his garage, and some wildly expensive woodworking equipment.

17. Mythology Blogger

We’re actually not totally clear on what this is. Do you write about mythology? Do you make up new mythology? Who knows. Either way, you’ve got the perfect look for it! We think.

16. Big Cat Rescuer

You’re not even close to the weirdest guy anyone in this world has seen today. You’re going to have to up your game to get noticed in the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park.

15. UFOlogist

Don’t let Tom Delonge fool you. You don’t need to be in a band to annoy your friends to death with conspiracies. The aliens are out there! The money however… we’re not as sure.

14. Hypnotherapist

Two wins here: everyone expects the person hypnotizing them to look like you. And when you’re done, you can make them picture you as a chicken. Or whatever you want, we just like chicken.

13. Professional Organizer

Certainly, if you were a rockstar, you might be trashing hotel rooms. But you’re not so it’s time to organize them instead. If you can transform cluttered spaces into functional ones without leaving long black hairs everywhere, you’re golden.

12. Mushroom Forager

A solitary task in the woods avoids a lot of judgment. Just make sure you’re picking truffles and not something that looks exactly the same but could accidentally wipe out an entire restaurant. No pressure!

11. Chainsaw Artist

Another job where you work in the woods alone. Maybe you spend 25 minutes a week dropping off your work at a county fair. Pro tip: Jerry Garcia busts are always a big hit.

10. Sleep Consultant

This is self-explanatory. Your clients are asleep while you stare creepily through the double-sided mirror; a second layer of protection. Yeah, you’re set. Just hold that clipboard and keep pretending to take good notes.

9. Wine Sommelier

And your specialty is boxed wine. Finally, a man-of-the-people, finding hidden gems even if they do taste a hint of cardboard. Keep it flowing, and they won’t remember your face by morning. But the lore of the boxed wine savant will linger on their palates.

8. Arachnologist

You can do the spider math. I mean… Come on. Of course.

7. Ethical Hacker

Starting as an unethical hacker maybe wasn’t the best choice, but after the FBI crackdown, the house arrest has made this job remote out of necessity. It’s time to write some snarky emails about that poorly implemented authentication system.

6. Historical Re-enactor

Just pick a time period where they didn’t bathe much. You’ll fit right in.

5. Independent Soap Maker

Or… maybe bathe a little more and save money by making soap in the sink. How many other people are even making soap at home? People are probably clamoring for some misshapen bars.

4. Underwater Welder

You get a welder’s mask… in a steel tube… on the floor of the ocean. No judging happening here.

3. Freelance Writer

Uh… Actually, nevermind. This bunch is always super handsome and not weird-looking at all. Sorry for steering you in the wrong direction here.

2. Horse Whisperer

We don’t know if this is real, we just heard about it one time. But we can’t imagine anyone who gives money to someone called a ‘Horse Whisperer’ is too picky.

1. Modern Republican Politician

Nothing seems to matter to these pseudo-fascists. Say and do just about anything you like, as long as it’s not remotely respectful of your fellow citizens. Remember, you’re not advocating for anything, you’re just angry all the time.

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