It’s common sense that the higher a man’s mattress is off the floor, the more secrets he’s hiding. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you read a news article or watched a movie about someone finding something benevolent under a bed?
Since the fifteenth century, the negative space under a bed has been associated with boogeymen and not much else. The best thing anyone’s found under there in recent years is a spare set of house keys, a dried cat turd, or the hastily dismembered body of an unlucky neighbor girl.
My partner should be so lucky I spend one-third of my life only seven inches from the floor. I can’t hide so much as a second phone or stack of divorce papers under my mattress without arousing suspicion, so why are modern men catching so much flack for having no bed frame?
The innately critical female gaze has been responsible for the spiritual deaths of more men than all the wars combined. Why hasn’t the UN launched a probe into this? No need for men to do peyote in the desert to experience an ego death. I have my wife right next to me reducing my manhood to dust with her list of grievances. Stop telling me your back hurts from sleeping on the ground when clearly it hurts from shoveling the snow off the driveway I said I’d take care of last week.
If you think I’m being dramatic, let’s just assume I finally get the gall to murder my neighbor who’s always letting his shiba inu shit all over my lawn. Once he’s reported missing and police start searching houses, any detective with half a brain is going to look in one of three places. Under the bed, the bathtub, and in the closet. Well, they’d be shit out of luck, because I don’t have any of those things.
I can’t hide anything larger than an umbrella in my free-standing IKEA wardrobe. How do I know this? I tried to stow my hyper-realistic silicone sex doll in there before my landlord came by and she hasn’t looked me in the eye since.
The four-piece’s final studio album was a solid swan song but sadly one record had to be listed in the dreaded lowest position, and this moon with a curious amount of loopholes loses. Still, like all Fountains of Wayne LPs, this one is awesome, and it’s, of course, critically acclaimed. Admittedly a little folkier than their previous four LPs, likely inspired by their prior acoustic rock and roll tours, “Sky Full Of Holes” comes in at number five mostly because it had the least amount of replay spins in the band’s concise catalog that is not sponsored by Victoria’s Secret but endorsed by High Times. This makes sense because all rockers eventually grow fold!
Hip-hop, country music, and post-grunge squall, yep, we said squall, can take a partial summer vacation, as we’re applying some number forty-five sunblock and putting up a sign saying, “Gone fishing for power pop!”: 2007 was a superb year for pop-rock or whatever a California sex lawyer wants to call it with Jimmy Eat World’s underrated “Chase This Light” LP, Mae’s also underrated “Singularity” record, Say Anything’s tad long but still tasty “In Defense of the Genre,” and “The Big Doe Rehab” from klezmer mastermind Ghostface Killah. However, Fountains of Wayne’s fourth album “Traffic and Weather” got lost in a miserable combo of bad LA traffic and worse Woodland Hills weather. Still, “Maureen” is one of the band’s catchiest, and we’re not tipping over any seatbacks/tray tables for saying such. We want you around so please read below for our takes on the group’s first three.
As you know, you only get one chance to make a debut record. The band’s self-titled offering, is a solid 90s pop-rock record and a debut that sets the smart and well-constructed tone for the band’s following four LPs. Barbara H., Barbara Streisand, Barbara Bush, and the script from Pamela Anderson’s Nobel prize-winning “Barbed Wire” must be proud of FOW for starting things off in style, elegantly showcasing that the band has got a flair for the dramatics/department store stylings.
We know that you won’t admit that you’re here because of the band’s biggest hit by a millennium and this album’s amazing single “Stacy’s Mom,” but we know the truth about you, your family, your lack of friends, and your lack of taste about all things life. Anyway, “Welcome Interstate Managers” opens with Fountains of Wayne’s best song “Mexican Wine,” and if you haven’t heard such, we implore you to stop reading this ranking piece right now and take a few minutes out of your non-busy schedules to spin it. If you previously heard said track, you’re in the oh-so-cool club, but if you disagree with our take on the track, you’re not only dead to us, but you deserve to rot in a dump. Also, you may have a Napster version of “Stacy’s Mom” incorrectly tagged as Bowling for Soup.
We once read in an inferior publication that “Utopia Parkway,” Fountains of Wayne’s only “no skip” studio album was endorsed by Sir Elton “I Am Not Billy Joel” John, and you should totally fact check us, because once you do, you will learn that Reginald actually phoned the band to sing its praises. Badass. While this album was both a grower and a shower sales size, its quirky single “Denise” which references the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy, was a minor hit for fans of life. Overall, “Utopia Parkway” is far from a sophomore slump, and the band metaphorically created an exciting laser show for all but antisemite Roger “Pink Floyd Now Has A Shitstain On Their Sonic Legacy” Waters with this record. We hope that several of its songs become prom themes for eternity and that you have a good day.
Sometimes all you need to deter a potential attacker or Disney fan is to set strong verbal boundaries. Project confidence and be clear on your intent. Let them know right away they picked the wrong victim to talk mouse with.
Another thing that can scare an attacker off is attention. Wave your arms around and loudly tell everyone around you “Hey everybody! This guy just said ‘The magic of Disney’ to me sincerely! He wants to know my top 3 princesses, help!” With any luck, the potential Disney adult will crack under the heat and flee to a dark alley where they belong.
Legs straight, toes pointing forward, feet shoulder-width apart. Hold your arms in front of your body, with closed fists and elbows slightly bent. Let your attacker know you’re ready to do whatever is necessary should they try to talk Disney at you.
Even if you’re confident you can take your opponent, they’re bound to get in a few annoying lines of creepy corporate worship before you neutralize them. Always avoid conflict if you can. Distract them by pointing behind them and saying “Is that Prince Eric?” then become one with the shadows.
Research has shown that even an adult who watches old episodes of “Zack & Cody” has enough cognitive activity to be deterred by blunt strikes to the chin. It’s sort of like punching a shark. It doesn’t do much damage, but they’ll instinctively swim off for an easier one-sided conversation about Splash Mountain.
If you’ve ever swung a hammer you can land this blow, and let your would-be conversation hijacker know that they’re in for a whole new world of pain if they don’t shut up about the benefits of season passes to “the kingdom.”
Use your cunning. Tell the Disney adult that there simply isn’t enough room for your Disney talk style here. Point to a small rowboat off the pier, and suggest taking it to a small island where there is more room. Once they get in the boat, push it adrift. Hand the rope over to a pack of vengeful children who will delight in taunting a grown adult who happily shells out $300 for their own lightsaber.
If your opponent can’t see, they can’t access their photo album and prove to you that they have in fact met every legacy character at both Orlando and Anaheim.
In a street Disney adult situation, there is rarely time to think. Just bash the hardest part of your body into the softest spot on theirs you can find and run.
If you’re starting from the outside you can recruit your abdominals to give that elbow strike some extra power. They’ll be on the ground faster than you can say “You’re talking about a company that banned ‘ethnic’ hairstyles for their employees until like 2 years ago, stop loving them.”
Most Disney adults are also Harry Potter fans, and this fake-out move exploits that. Casually mention the franchise, and just before they tell you which house they’re in, hit them with “Don’t you think it’s troubling to support a property created by a transphobic TERF like JK Rowling?” They’ll short-circuit like a robot trying to solve a riddle. Just watch out for the sparks.
When you’re in a corner and someone is in your personal space praising CGI-laden live-action remakes of animated classics, there’s no time to think. You’re going to want to strike them with as much force as possible as fast as possible. A quick knee strike to the abdomen should incapacitate your corporate shill attacker long enough for you to run away and live happily ever after.
You’re enjoying a coffee at a cafe with a rainbow flag out front. You think you’re in a safe space. You’re approached by someone in a well-cultivated thrift shop garb and a “them/they” pin on the lapel of their coat. “What could go wrong?” you think. Suddenly, they ask how many times you’ve seen the latest movie by Disney, a company that shies away from making characters openly gay so that their films sell better in China. The push kick is your ticket to some much-needed distance between you and whatever the hell that’s all about.
Some people call Disney a cult and accuse their fans of being lemmings who would blindly jump off a cliff at the company’s behest. This is categorically false. Lemmings do not jump off cliffs. That is a myth created by the 1958 Disney nature documentary “White Wilderness” in which filmmakers threw lemmings off of a cliff and edited the footage to make it look like they jumped—that’s fucking true. If you’re cornered by someone who can turn a blind eye to that because the Lion King soundtrack “slaps,” you’re going to want them completely incapacitated as fast as possible, so go with a rear naked choke if you can pull it off.
You accidentally roll your eyes at the mention of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in front of the wrong person. Suddenly they’re an inch away from you demanding you name a more compelling villain than Thanos, the purple alien. Here are two more compelling villains for you: a quick knee to the groin and a fast getaway!
Uncle Jack’s swastika tattoo on his neck will only freak out the kids, but it’d make a good impression with the local police force he’d be working with. They’ll mainly want to know if it hurt when he got it, but in a way that asks, “Where can I get one?”
No fully formed adult who cuts the crusts off their sandwiches can convince me that they are capable of functioning in a normal society that has programs meant to deter children from using heroin in fourth grade.
Elliot is a huge dork. Plus he’s rich. No one is going to listen to guys like that, especially not children or other adults. We see right through their bullshit.
Kenny is part of Jack’s white supremacist gang who once talked about the urge to “smack the shit” out of a kid when he sees them wearing a bicycle helmet. Childhood safety is just not front and center for this guy.
Both of her sons use drugs, so she’s not terribly effective at deterring young people from smoking pot and meth. If anything, she inadvertently encourages it just by her presence.
This man is dull as hell. He’s one of those characters on a show who no one bothers to make a “best of” compilation on YouTube. That’s how little impact he had on us. That sort of forgettable quality will carry over into his D.A.R.E. spokesperson duties.
Talking to children about the dangers of drugs is just like being a proprietor of a modestly successful car wash. At least that’s what Bogdan believes. Unfortunately, these kids are going to be bored the entire time, which will only make the drugs sound more appealing.
This guy can’t even handle the news that his daughter died. How is he supposed to deal with the stress of giving a speech to elementary school kids?
The Phoenix meth distributor looks like he listens to Joe Rogan’s podcast, so he’ll mainly talk to the children about DMT. Unfortunately, the kids already heard these stories from the police officers who spoke before him because they also like Joe Rogan. These students really can’t catch a break.
Badger’s cousin operates a towing and vehicle repair service. On the surface that has nothing to do with D.A.R.E. leadership. But if you dig deeper, it still has no similarities. Clovis is out of his element here.
If anyone is going to get through to these kids, it’s not going to be Gretchen. What a narc.
Dr. Delcavoli is Walt’s physician and one of the top 10 oncologists in the US. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many discernible personality traits. If you’re going to be a part of this program you’re going to need a thing the students can make fun of.
All of the kids, parents, and administrative personnel would unjustifiably detest Skyler for some reason, and they’d unrelentingly talk shit about her online. But she’s just doing her best to keep the program together despite others’ attempts to thwart it from the inside.
Emilio was Jesse’s original partner as a methamphetamine purveyor before Pinkman went with someone a little more his dad’s age. Not sure how Emilio would handle kids, but he didn’t seem to take Jesse’s departure well. You need emotional intelligence to peddle meth and talk to kids about drugs.
Walter Junior goes by Flynn now. It is unclear why someone would go with a worse name as their alias. He can’t be trusted.
Being a member of the cartel means you know a thing or two about drugs. Mainly the enterprise side of it. The kids will inadvertently learn about illegal businesses and he will inspire a handful of budding drug lord entrepreneurs in the process. This is not what the D.A.R.E. program is all about. No one knows for sure what it’s exactly about.
Every garment of clothing Marie wears will be a shade of purple. Even her shoes. This will be distracting. Most of the questions at the end of her presentation will be about her one-note fashion choices. Rightfully so.
Combo thinks this is a pro-drug seminar, so he’ll speak directly to the children about the benefits of meth. While this is effective, it’s not part of the assignment.
Carmen is the principal of a school. Kids are more likely to listen to the janitor of the school than the leader of it. Unless of course you’re a nerd student. In which case, you’re probably never doing drugs anyway.
This guy basically does this kind of thing for fun. However, he’s mainly dealt with adults who are trying to kick drugs to this point. He’ll have a tough road ahead of him if he wants to convince kids to stop using drugs they’re not even taking yet.