Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Straight Edge Ouija Board Just Says No

Posted on October 17, 2019 by John Graham

DANVERS, Mass. — A straight edge Ouija board steadfastly refused to indulge in a midnight seance Saturday night, directly defying slurred demands and supplications from drunken partygoers, according to bleary-eyed and mascara-smeared local scenesters.

“I don’t fucking get it, man,” said Colton Matthews, an unshaven, hungover attendee of the house party, wearing a black Mater Suspiria Vision T-shirt now flecked with vomit. “We were trashed and thought it’d be a good laugh to talk with some spirits. But every time we tried to get it to join in the fun — like, asking if it was a stupid dead kid’s ghost, or if someone in the room was gonna get laid that night, or whatever — it just answered, ‘No.’ Lamest party game ever.”

“That board really needs to lighten the fuck up,” he added, stabbing out a crumpled joint in a glass containing an unidentifiable sludge.

Dr. Herbert West, an expert in human/undead relations at nearby Miskatonic University, claimed this is not a flaw but actually a core part of the board’s inherent nature.

“The psychics who invented the Ouija board believed that having a clear mind and positive mental attitude were crucial for maintaining a link with the spirit realm,” he said. “Those drunk kids simply didn’t have the clarity required to break down the walls between the living and the dead.”

Dr. West then made direct contact with the accused Oujia board to get a first-hand explanation for its actions.

“Look, I’m not some kinda antisocial asshole — I just got too much respect for the integrity of my immortal soul to poison it with wasted sell-outs who don’t have a true, strong belief in what the occult really stands for, ya know?” the board aggressively spelled out letter-by-letter. “Seriously, screw those faux-goth posers, listening to shitty Witch House mp3s from 10 years ago and pretending they’re hardcore spirit mediums. I ain’t down with that fake-ass bullshit! I’ve been in the scene since the days when divination and demonic possession fucking mattered.”

At last report, the Ouija board’s planchette was stopped over the letter X and could not be moved by anyone who dared touch it.

Climate Scientists Warn It’s Dawn of the Final Day

Posted on October 17, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Climate scientists at the United States Environmental Protection Agency released a warning today that our ozone has become so drastically diminished that we are now at Dawn of the Final Day — 24 Hours Remain.

“The moon is not smiling its toothy grin on us kindly today,” said lead researcher Erik Wie Bøe at a press conference this morning. “Here’s the deal: we’re running out of time, the moon is crashing into the Earth, and nothing is going to reset when it does. We need to put an end to mass corporate pollution, because I’m pretty sure we’re never going to get the world’s nations to come together to build four giants to stop climate change once and for all.”

According to press in attendance, the speech and report were compelling, but also very confusing.

“So… is the moon actually crashing into us? Is this the last day of humanity? Things have gotten so bad that I can’t tell if they were doing a metaphor or not,” said New York Times reporter Mairead Kelly. “I’ve played Majora’s Mask so I get what they’re referencing, but it could also totally be a real thing that’s happening and I wouldn’t even blink.”

“The whole thing made me feel very scared, especially when they started passing out masks,” said Washington Post reporter Jean Karp. “I stopped using plastic straws years ago, but now I need to stop using skull…kids?”

As of press time, a rival group of climate scientists published a paper discrediting the report from the EPA, saying it was nowhere near as good as their own paper, which warned of an evil king seeking the holy climate relic known as the Triforce.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: Edge Day Is a Made up Holiday to Sell Hardcore Records

Posted on October 17, 2019 by Jay Chanoine

The straight edge community is all about integrity, solidarity and accountability. Very few people are as passionate about anything as the X-fisted youth of today are about not chewing up several hits of ecstasy and rubbing a soft blanket against their skin. But anytime you see someone who really cares about a cause you can bet there’s a suit lurking in the background wondering how to make a buck off of it.

The underground music industry is no exception to this rule and there’s no better example of that than Edge Day, which didn’t exist until Big Hardcore noticed a dip in record sales around mid-October.

It makes perfect sense. You’re a businessman trying to figure out how to get more money to buy more cocaine. You know who has money? People who don’t spend it all on cocaine. All it takes is a Pied Piper with a guttural scream and a microphone cord wrapped around their knuckles to lead the sleeveless shirt masses out of the circle pit and straight to a cash register.

It’s a scam like any other. Cinco de Mayo was adopted in the states to sell Corona. St. Patrick’s day was adopted to sell Guinness. 4/20 day was created by major corporations to sell weed. Edge day is, at its core, just a hollow attempt to finally monetize sobriety.

But maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge people for celebrating it.

Those who see through the bullshit of Valentine’s Day have their megaphones ready every February to make sure you know it’s dumb to set aside a day to show people that you care about them. But plenty of those same truth-speakers rush to their keyboard to make sure you know it’s Sibling Day and they have a brother (an actual, biological brother, not “brotherhood” the way it’s used in the straight edge scene to mean you’re family because you all like Minor Threat). This is no different than scoffing at every miniature American flag you see on July 4th and then marching out of the record shop with an armful of Judge LP’s a few months later just because the calendar told you to.

I’m not shitting on straight edge people. I have nothing against you. I support your cause, admire your sense of community and even enjoy some of your music. I’m simply pointing out that I see right through this “holiday” while you do not, which makes no sense because you’re all bright-eyed and clear-headed and I’m high as fuck right now.

The Impossible Quiz Adds ‘Possible Quiz’ Microtransaction

Posted on October 17, 2019 by Jakob Biddle

NEW YORK — Over 12 years after the iconic flash game’s original release, Addicting Games’s The Impossible Quiz has added a paid “Possible Quiz” microtransaction which makes the game possible to finally beat.

This decision has received backlash from the gaming community at large, as well as the thousands of passionate players who are part of the Impossible Quiz fanbase. Alex Rusch, a Stanford graduate and passionate gamer who has been working on beating the game since he was in middle school, had some harsh words for the development team.

“I’ve sunk thousands of hours into this game over the years,” said Rusch. “This is a slap in the face to fans who want to beat The Impossible Quiz through legitimate means.”

In a press release earlier today, Addicting Games spokesperson Max Steele defended the addition of this microtransaction and discussed the future of flash games.

“We want our fans to know that flash games aren’t just niche passion projects for us. They can be supported for years with additional downloadable content just like those big AAA console games,” said Steele. “We want to be able to adapt our addicting games for a modern age.”

This isn’t the first time flash games have added microtransactions. Just this past year, Age of War added a DLC pack that lets you skip the caveman era at the beginning of the game and go straight to the Middle Ages. Another wildly popular flash game, Max Dirt Bike, recently started their season pass, which adds plenty of cosmetic items such as a motorcycle and a horse as alternate vehicles.

The Impossible Quiz has seen an influx of new and returning players since the addition of this microtransaction. Leaks from insiders suggest that an additional DLC pack currently in development could add a “Nightmare Mode” to the quiz that makes it even more impossible.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Inconsiderate Straight Edge Roommate Drinks All The Mixer

Posted on October 17, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

POMONA, Calif. — Local straight edger Dave Bower drank every non-alcoholic beverage intended for use as a mixer last night during his roommate’s 21st birthday party, bummed out and heavily hungover sources confirmed.

“Honestly, I didn’t even realize this was a big deal until everyone started yelling at me,” said Bower. “I thought everyone went out of their way to think of me and actually buy some things I would enjoy… but apparently I’m a ‘moron’ and a ‘total douche’ because I pounded down a warm, two-liter bottle of Coke.”

“I got one hell of a sugar headache after last night, I can tell you that much,” added Bower.

According to reports, Bower not only drank all of the aforementioned Coke, but also downed the ginger ale, a gallon of orange juice, a metal can of pineapple juice, a carton of half-and-half, tonic water, a bottle of grenadine, and a liter of Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix.

“That cheap fuck drank more than any of us and didn’t chip in a single dollar because ‘he doesn’t spend money on alcohol.’ But he had no problem downing a fuck-ton of iced tea I brought for a nice bourbon cocktail,” said partygoer Cara Langston from her bedroom with all the curtains drawn. “Four people ended up going to the hospital last night because they were forced to drink straight Kamchatka all night. The party ended with most of us puking our guts out while Dave played video games in his bedroom.”

Straight edge historian Sam “XSammy KnucklesX” Perez indicated that this is not an isolated incident.

“Straight edge people going as far back as 1981 have tried their best to blend in at parties by drinking whatever is available to them — sometimes, a straight edge person in new social situation will empty a beer can and fill it with water to avoid conversations like, ‘Why the fuck aren’t you drinking tonight, bro?’ and other intrusive questions,” said Perez. “I just hope Mr. Bower doesn’t take this as indication that he needs to become some scumbug, edge-breaking piece of shit unworthy of love.”

Friends of Bower have vowed to only hold parties in bars from now on to completely avoid having to deal with his presence.

Doctor Informs Crying Family of Son’s Rapidly Advancing Zappa Phase

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

OGDEN, Utah — Local parents Sydney and Cole Pickard were informed by a family doctor yesterday that their teenage son Evan is showing distinct, potentially irreversible symptoms of an oncoming Zappa phase, with no known cure available.

“You can’t help but blame yourself when something like this happens,” said Mr. Pickard as he wiped the tears from his puffy, red eyes. “I remember walking by his bedroom last month and I thought he was having an innocent good time, listening to bad commercial jingles or the end credits of a ’70s cop show… but it turns out it was a Mothers of Invention record. They say early detection is the key, but I totally ignored all the warning signs — like when he started wearing skin-tight pants and showing off his chest while wearing button-up shirts.”

“The doctor said he’s in stage three, which means this could spread to his friends… or even worse, his siblings,” added Mr. Pickard before completely breaking down.

The teenager, expected to miss weeks of school due to mandatory quarantining, was unphased by the diagnosis.

“This is all gravy, baby. I don’t need to go to that prison of a school to get an education: all I need is my records and an open mind,” said Evan, while checking his upper lip in the mirror for stubble. “My parents just don’t get it. They sit around listening to their top 40 radio DJs and saluting the flag, but for what? A vacant life in the suburbs? No, thanks — that’s not for me. I’m going to get a dog, name it something like Fwozzle, and move to New York as soon as I can.”

Experts warn that children exposed to avant-garde music during their formative years can have lasting effects into adulthood.

“When a young person gets exposed to this type of music, it’s like a poison that infects their brain,” said clinical psychologist Warren Everett. “Often, the disease will just run its course, but sometimes it gets worse with age. When it does, these are the people who grow up and open coffee shops where they only serve eggs, and you order by reciting poetry.”

At press time, the Pickard family was rushing their son to an emergency room after finding him totally naked, playing an acoustic guitar on the toilet.

Woman Visiting Friends in Heroin-Ravaged Hometown Only Has Two Graveyards Left to See

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Krissy Howard

BECKLEY, W. Va. — Recent Philidelpia transplant Abigail Kingaby is currently making rounds to visit several friends, all buried among local graveyards, during a trip back to her opiate-ravaged hometown, according to sources.

“Going home is always nice, because I get to check in with my parents and sort of just revisit old haunts and whatnot… but I don’t have a map of where everyone is buried, so catching up with the old crew can get a little stressful. Especially if it’s a quick visit,” Kingaby stated. “Luckily, if I get too anxious, I can pop into some walk-in and get a fuck-ton of Dilaudid or something since they hand that shit out like Tic Tacs. Actually, I think it might actually be easier to get than Tic Tacs — the mixed fruit ones, anyway.”

Despite the tight visitation schedule set aside for this trip home, Kingaby is down to her last two graveyards of overdosed friends to check in on before leaving.

“I can usually hit up all three of the Mikes for breakfast since they’re in nearby plots, but lunch is kinda tough because about half of my old friends are buried over at Sunset… but then there’s a still a good handful at Blue Ridge. I might not get to fit everyone in this time,” Kingaby said. “I’ve gotten this down to a pretty tight routine lately, but my friend Becca’s doctor got her on Oxys right away after she sprained her ankle at work, so that’s one more stop I gotta make this time.”

Experts who have “honestly lost count” of the friends they’ve lost agree that Kingaby’s visitation approach is sad, but efficient.

“Catching up with friends used to take all weekend, but as long as this shit keeps getting overprescribed, dope stays cheaper on the street, and insurance companies refuse to cover more than like, three days in detox, you’ll be in and out in a few hours,” says dope-infested hometown visitation expert Marcus Brooks. “Just so long as an area doesn’t get into that harm reduction nonsense… in which case, you might still have living people left to visit, which can take all day. And they just want to show your pictures of their ugly children anyway.”

At press time, what few living friends Kingaby has left in her hometown are expected to begin their slow, over-prescribed descent to their own graveyards, which Kingaby hopes are “at least kind of by the highway.”

Top 5 Small Items to Randomly Shoplift From Target Cuz Your Dad Pissed You Off

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

So, you find yourself at Target for some reason trying to cool down after your old man was on your case again. Suddenly, you get the urge to put something in your pocket for no good reason… but what to grab?

1. A Pocket Dictionary

You don’t need a dictionary that fits in your pocket, you don’t need a dictionary at all – you have one on your phone. But the Target Corporation is a multi-million dollar business that forced the closure of several independent stores in your town. Take ‘em down a peg.

2. A Deck Of Cards

You already have 6 packs of stolen cards at home and you haven’t opened a single one, but why not add this one to the collection? Who is going to stop you? Your dad? He’d have to be around to even notice you were doing something wrong. Go on and take it. No one is looking.

3. Gum

Sure, everyone snags a pack of gum now and then, but it will give you that rush you are looking for without much hassle. Your old man likes Big Red, take one of those and then toss it in the trash outside out of spite. Or offer him some and smugly watch him chew that ill-gotten gum. Maybe he’ll choke on it.

4. CD – Journey’s “Greatest Hits”

You don’t like Journey and you don’t even own a CD player but that album will just slide right into your cargo pocket. They don’t even bother putting security tags on music anymore because no one buys music anymore. Except for your idiot father who is still stuck in the 90s.

5. A Betta Fish

That poor thing, living its life in a plastic to-go container of its own filth in the back of the dog food aisle. Kind of like you – trapped, dying, unable to let its colors flourish because of the abusive despot that rules over it. This isn’t stealing – it is an act of political rebellion. Take it to the pond on the golf course and release it while you smoke cigarettes.

Honorable Mention:
Oh, you should steal some cigarettes, too!

Father Ignoring His Children to Play New Dad Simulator

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Tyler Simpson

DALLAS — Local father John Daniels has been ignoring his daughter Brienne, 6, and son Charlie, 12, for the past six weeks in order to play the new dad simulator Father’s Domain, Daniels and his children confirm.

“This game is incredible. It feels like I’m an actual dad,” said Daniels. “Right now I’m doing an escort mission where I take my kids out for ice cream, which can be boring, but it’s worth it to see my kids’ happiness levels go up.”

While Daniels maneuvered the on-screen reticle and pressed “X” to buy ice cream, his daughter Brienne finished a macaroni portrait of her family being eaten by a giant computer.

“Fatherhood involves a lot of sleepless nights, diaper changes, and boring PTA meetings, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Daniels said while playing the Tuck the Children in mini-game. “I’d do anything to get my kids to level 75.”

After successfully putting his in-game children to bed, Daniels received a loot box, which burst onto the screen and gifted him a legendary baseball mitt.

“I guess the game is really important to Dad,” said Charlie, watching his father wake up his digital children with kisses on each of their foreheads. “He missed my walk-off home run last week because he and some other dads formed a party to complete the hardware store raid.”

As of press time, Daniels said he was excited to have even more time to play his dad sim after he was fired from his job for spending too much time in the bathroom playing Work Simulator: Office Guy 3 on his phone.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Referring to Old Church Youth Group as “Scene He Grew Up In”

Posted on October 16, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

ISLAND PARK, N.Y. — Adult punk with a secret, Christian past Steve Phelan is referring to his old church youth group as the “local scene” in which he grew up, suspicious sources confirmed.

“In my hometown, I never felt like I fit in as a kid — that is, until I became a part of my scene. Before that, I was like a lost sheep… or, any kind of lost animal, really,” said Phelan. “I’ll never forget those Friday night lock-ins at the church basement, which, uh, is what we called the venue. And, of course, the music. Like the time I sang gang vocals on, ‘Go Tell It On The Mountain’ with Pastor Dave. I mean, just Dave.”

Friend and fellow punk Julio Almir first became suspicious after noting several peculiar details in Phelan’s childhood stories.

“Steve loves to go on and on about how tough his local scene was, but none of it adds up. Like, one time, he told me about this ‘badass straight edge dude’ who beat the shit out of ‘money-changers’ that were lurking around the venue bathroom,” said Almir. “But, like, that’s literally a story about Jesus from the Bible… and that dude wasn’t edge. His blood was wine — that’s a huge edge break. Steve even screwed up and accidentally referred to his story as a ‘parable’ several times. I would’ve called him on it, but then I’d have to admit I knew that Bible verse… thus, outing myself as a fellow former church kid.”

Current youth pastor and former classmate of Phelan Thomas Whitehead was happy to hear Phelan had “found his place” in the punk community.

“I’m not familiar with punk rock, but let me see if I understand this correctly,” said Whitehead. “A punk scene is a small community of people that support and care for one another despite their differences, while also providing wayward souls with a sense of belonging? And many of these so-called ‘punks’ don’t engage in drinking, drugs, or promiscuous sex? Are you sure this isn’t a Christian-affiliated organization?”

At press time, a visibly anxious Phelan was praying his new punk friends never discover his “real” Facebook account, which features dozens of photos from his summers at “Praise Camp.”

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