P.C. Police Plant “Coexist” Sticker on Man’s Car

AUCKLAND, New Zealand — P.C. police officer Patrick Doyle was caught on body cam last night planting a “Coexist” sticker on 22-year-old John Davenport’s Nissan Presage, people with too much free time confirmed.

“He pulled me over and asked if he could check my license, registration, and privilege… and before I knew it, he was smashing my head and tail lights ‘just like we should smash the patriarchy,’” Davenport said. “And that ‘Coexist’ sticker was definitely not on the back of my car when he pulled me over — I’ve never been tolerant of other cultures or belief systems in my life. These P.C. police thugs are going too far.”

Critics of the P.C. police have become more vocal over the past few months as they defend a myriad of stand-up comedy specials. However, P.C. Ofc. Doyle thinks it’s being blown out of proportion.

“Look, I’m a normal P.C. police officer. I put my pussy hat on, one flap at a time, like everyone else. I was just doing my job as a white male ally — which is ensuring that my community stay #woke,” stated Doyle. “When I pulled over this edge lord, I had no other choice than to charge him with ‘resisting the resistance’ before cancelling him entirely.”

This isn’t the first time Ofc. Doyle has been accused of abusing his power, however. Citizen Phil Meyers accused the officer of calling him out during a traffic stop last year.

“I was on my way back from a bar, totally shitfaced and swerving all over the road like a madman… so I assumed that was why he pulled me over,” Meyers explained. “But he just walked up to the car and asked if I used my birthday to raise money for Planned Parenthood on Facebook. I was so confused — I told him I had a few outstanding warrants, but he cut me off and started lecturing me about cultural appropriation over the dreamcatcher hanging from my rear view mirror. I actually didn’t think of it like that, so that was sort of eye opening, I guess.”

At press time, the FBI launched an investigation into P.C. firefighters accused of letting multiple Chick-fil-A’s burn to the ground.

I Know This Is an Anarchist Bookstore, but Would It Kill You to Have a J.K. Rowling Section?

This is a really great shop you have here, you know? I love stopping at Into the Woods Literature to find new ideas that really inspire my anarchist blog. It’s such a great setup- radical eco-anarchy in the front, anarcho-communism down the side aisles, and the hardcore anarchoprimitivism stuff in the back. And you even have a little area for coffee and readings right smack in the middle. Love it.

Yes, I’m a bonafide anarchist 24 hours a day. But you know… I’m also a Slytherin.

If we’re being realistic, you and I can’t ever really escape civilization, right? We’re working towards a stateless existence but we’re far from it. So like, I have some suggestions that could really help turn around this store.

For example, after this errand I’m still going to have to stop at Barnes & Noble to pick up some stuff. Specifically, the “Crimes of Grindelwald” Original Screenplay from J.K. Rowling. I mean, come on- most of your customers are going to buy it at some point. You can’t JUST read anarchist literature and fall asleep quickly at night; let’s get some fun escapism up in here!

And while the coffee area is super cute and bohemian and super authentic, there is actually plenty of room for one of those small Starbucks kiosks. Think of how many people will squeeze into your store every fall when the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back. Omg SO many!

And honestly, we might be thinking a little too small here. I have one word for you: “franchising.” I see no reason why there couldn’t be an Into the Woods Literature in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. We might have to change the name to like, “Prof. McGonagall’s Library/Anarcho-Commie Rags”. We can focus group that.

Maybe we could pitch this to some angel investors? I have a sweet hookup in Silicon Valley. His startup is doing SO well. Honestly, I could probably get you in on the ground floor if you want to invest. We should probably lose the whole “anarchy” thing though, makes us sound like a bunch of weirdos.

Guitarist in Skate Punk Band Insists He Nailed That Song Yesterday

ENCINITAS, Calif. — Vince Trajano, guitarist of skate punk band Swelbow, swore moments ago that he nailed all of his guitar parts yesterday on the first try with no warm ups, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me today — I must be nervous because we’re recording or something,” said Trajano while stretching his fingers. “Yesterday, I got out of my car, plugged my guitar in and just let it rip. I played the whole song perfect — didn’t miss a note. And I even added a little flare to my solo.”

“Maybe the air conditioning is too cold in here and my fingers are stiff,” he added, “or somebody waxed my strings. I just need a few more tries.”

Trajano’s bandmates explained a number of problems directly related to their guitarists’ inconsistency.

“Vince thinks that just because he played a song all the way through once, that he has it on lockdown and never needs to practice it again. Then, when it comes time to play a show, we look like crap, because his hands just flop around the fretboard trying to figure out what he did that one time,” said drummer Artie Fallon. “But that’s not even the most frustrating thing: as soon as we write a new song and he plays it correctly, he’ll immediately try to play it left-handed. He claims he wants to be more ‘well-rounded’ if he ever enters a guitar competition.”

Popular skate punk producer Donnie “No Comply” Compton admitted this a common problem within the genre.

“The most frustrating thing to me about all of this is that most of these guys just identify with the fashion of skate punk, without actually putting in the time. They have their cuffed pants, five panel hats, and what have you… but they aren’t practicing the basics for hours on end,” said Compton. “It’s like they’d rather just drink beer with their friends or something. What they don’t realize is that if you want to play skate punk at a professional level, you need to dedicate yourself to the craft. Otherwise, you’re just a hobbyist.”

At press time, witnesses confirmed that Trajano, despite attempting to play the same riff for the past four hours, is only getting worse.

The ‘Joker’ Ending Mansplained

Warning: If you haven’t experienced Joker yet, you won’t be able to comprehend the subtext and depth of the art behind what we’re going to be exploring in this article. If you can’t handle a hyper-realistic dive into the unhinged mind of a great, maniacal man who was dealt the wrong cards in life and who was left with no other choice — as told by the modern genius Todd Phillips — then you best not read on. Keep in mind that this is fully up to you to read. 

“And Shepherds we shall be For thee, my Lord, for thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.”

– Boondock Saints, 1999

Much like Boondock Saints, Joker (2019) is a sophisticated cinematic masterpiece that unfortunately takes a little bit more of a cultured mind than most people have to truly, fully enjoy. Unstoppable genius director Todd Phillips (who brought us the advent of “The Wolf Pack,” a term used to describe a group of real alphas in their prime who have an important mission to carry out in The Hangover Trilogy: The Hangover, The Hangover 2, and The Hangover 3, respectively) has a mind-bendingly percipient take on the character, meaning that you really have to know Joker, as a character, to appreciate it. 

In this article, I will only be explaining the ending scene of the film — but in order to do that, I must first go back to the beginning. 

The Joker, as was written by Alan Moore in 1988 (you kind of need to know a lot about the comics to get where he’s coming from since his take, too, is so seemingly effortless and deliciously meta), is a complex anti-hero in his own mind, but is actually also one of the most maniacally reprobate characters in film, comic, and dare I say it, animation. Todd Phillips based a lot of Joaquin Phoenix’s groundbreaking, emotionally-vitiated Arthur Fleck on Alan Moore’s famous, and in my (subtle, yet nuanced) opinion, underrated, graphic novel The Killing Joke, where our story also ends with him laughing after having thought of a joke (though I usually try not to read classic source material out of fear that it’ll influence my craft). 

In this same way, the graphic novel brings us through a journey into the labyrinthine mind of a murderous psychopath in a way that most films, and filmmakers, are too cowardly to let see the light of day in this day and age, if you ask me. But that’s just my opinion, even if it’s incredibly accurate. Todd Phillips’s careful hand, meticulous direction and work with an actor of Joaquin Phoenix’s caliber, did the character more justice than anyone has on the silver screen to this day. Joaquin Phoenix’s divine performance as Joker is even better than Heath Ledger’s take on the character because it’s a more multifarious delve into the brilliant, inspiring, and dangerous mind of someone like Arthur Fleck. There’s a little Arthur Fleck in all of us, if you really think about it (which you don’t have to, if you don’t feel up to it; not everyone can handle it). 

This film was not only serenely indomitable, but also displays the direct antithesis of what most people assumed about Joker (2019). The layered mastery of work that (most likely) frolics in your mind as you’re walking out of the theater when you realize that the ending was beyond comprehension for everyone in the theater — to the point where no other outlet can accurately tell you for certain what really happens in it — is nothing short of unprecedented, if not outright fiendish glee.

Todd Phillips’s genius is beyond even my comprehension, and I’d like you to sit with that thought, because I am very well-read, cultured, and am generally very humble, and if I can’t tell you exactly what happens at the end of Joker (2019), then we may never get an answer to that question. And there’s nothing wrong with that. To quote Joker himself, “you get what you f*cking deserve,” and that’s exactly the thought that my ever persistent inner-monologue arrived at when we got with this effulgent display of a film (I just can’t turn it off sometimes, and being such a relentless ideation-machine does have its drawbacks at times). 

This wasn’t your everyday superhero movie, and it certainly wasn’t your standard Hollywood schlock. Joker is a film that should be widely admired, as it is not just precocious, but downright impertinent, in a way we’ve not seen since masterpieces like IT: Chapter One, Old School, The Interview, the book Atlas Shrugged (you should really read some Ayn Rand, if you haven’t yet), High Fidelity, Avatar, Scarface, Donnie Darko, The Brown Bunny, Alexander, and every year of The Spike TV Scream Awards (particularly, 2008).

So what happens at the end of Joker? Well, that’s fully up to you, because true art is meant to be interpreted, not defined. Some theories about Joker (2019)’s ending, all of which occurred to me as I was watching it, well before they happened in the film, while predictable to a critical mind, are feasible if you think about it from your average Joe’s perspective. It could be that he actually went on TV and murdered Bob DeNiro’s Murray Franklin character, or it could be that the “joke” of it (a mirthful play on the character’s name) is that none of it ever happened at all. I arrived at my own definite, infallible conclusion after seeing the film, but I believe it is our responsibility as discerning members of the audience, to live in a society where we don’t take art for granted, so instead of telling you what happens at the end of the Joker (2019) movie, I’m going to go ahead and let you marinate with these very points and accomplish reaching your own, if you even can. I like to perform such thought experiments on a fairly regular basis, because, if you ask me, you should do one thing every day that scares the sh*t out of you. It’s a motto I both live by and invented.

It’s rare that you get to witness the work of such a liberated thinker as hero Todd Phillips. Must be nice to be able to say whatever you want for the purpose of your true, authentic art these days without worry of public retaliation violating your freedom of speech (a practice that is long lost, and that I personally fear will be forgotten with time, in only just a few years). 

I will always know what happened at the end of this film, because that is just a thing that I know, and that you don’t know, which is key to me. Yet, the most important part of hero Todd Phillips’s fascinating and deeply-layered ouvre is the lingering question: Do you know what happened at the end of this film? Do I? You may not even need to see this film to have an opinion on it, or even to guess what happens in it, but even if you did watch it, would that opinion even be valid if you can’t sympathize with a sociopath with a very simple and ultimately relatable arc that, in my opinion, every man in America can sympathize with? Am I allowed to be this honest? Only time will tell, because in the end, we all “get what we f*cking deserve.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Gentrified Neighborhood Only Allows Tagging by Graffiti Artists With at Least 40k Instagram Followers

ATLANTA — Concerned citizens in Atlanta’s eccentric Inman Park neighborhood have banded together with city officials to ensure that any graffiti in their area is only done by well-known Instagram influencers.

“I moved to the city for the art and diversity, but we can’t let just anyone tag the sides of our gluten-free bakeries,” area resident Alison Wolfe said. “So we set up a patrol of like-minded people to stop anyone seen painting on a brick wall, and make them prove their art is something we can blog about, take Instagram photos near, or even make into posters to hang in our live/work space.”

If a graffiti artist cannot prove their worth, they are fined by the association and forced to paint over their work to make room for someone more important. The Inman Park watchdog group even brought in famous artists kNick-kNack and Squidboy from New York City and New Orleans, respectively, to do murals on a new organic pickle store.

“We caught one thug who calls himself El Brujo painting a picture of some old lady. My kids never heard of him, so I had him checked out,” Ofc. Chris Young said. “He isn’t even verified on Instagram. It’s embarrassing — this is a family area; imagine if children see it. I’m going to make sure this public nuisance goes away for a long time.”

To cover El Brujo’s piece dedicated to his dying grandmother, city leaders have reportedly called in Atlanta area tagger Q-Cheznut, who previously garnered an online following for painting nude Dragonball Z characters on local trap houses, to create one of his famous “Miss Piggy Twerking” murals.

“We are not West Berlin here, where anyone can just draw anything they want on our walls,” Councilmember Kyle Adams said. “You need to prove your clout and prove your art will bring in segway graffiti tours and tourist money.”

Any artists wishing to tag in the Inman Park neighborhood must complete a 23-G212 permit application, submit a portfolio, and follow the Inman Park Arts Council on social media.

Friend Visiting From out of Town Has Full Itinerary of Places He Wants to Blackout

CHICAGO — Your friend from out of town is gearing up for a real whirlwind of activities this weekend, and emailed earlier today to let you know he has a full itinerary of places where he wants to blackout while staying with you.

“I’ve been planning this trip for months, and I was finally able to get the time off work, so I’m really looking forward to seeing all the dopest spots around,” said your friend, who will spend the next several days being shit-faced drunk and belligerent at some of the best local bars, pubs, and house shows in your town. “It looks like there’s a whole bunch of new places since the last time I was here, too, so we should definitely check those out first after I drop my bags off at your place so we can get right to it. There’s just so much to see.”

Previous visit history suggests that your friend, who worked extra hours at his job to save up for this trip, will spend the majority of the weekend violently hungover and miserable at some of the coolest attractions your city has to offer.

“I saw that Pistol Whip is playing at The Hangar on Saturday night, so we should definitely go to that, too,” said the man who will have zero recollection of getting thrown out of the venue for throwing his shoe onstage and kicking a bouncer in the nuts just before misplacing his phone after calling his ex-girlfriend from the back of an Uber, crying, to yell at her about how much he’s changed. “I’m just stoked to be here.”

Expert witnesses could not confirm with certainty, however, whether the visitor in question would die from alcohol poisoning or simply from getting his ass kicked at a bar.

“It’s hard to say, really,” said local woman Allie DeSaluniers. “That guy just sucks so hard.”

At press time, your guest was oscillating between vehemently denying and profusely apologizing for pissing in your oven.

Meet the Two Party Dudes That Put Sunglasses on Joe Biden to Make It Look Like He Is Still Alive

Ricky Robinson and Drew O’Brien were just a couple of beach bums until they were invited to a soiree at former vice-president Joe Biden’s house only to come across Biden’s dead body. Fearing what may become of the political process if Biden did not become the Democratic Party nominees, the boys sprung into action.

“We knew how bogus it would be if Trump got another four years,” Drew “The Brew” said. “So, we threw some sunglasses on him, propped him up, and sent his corpse out on the campaign trail. Honestly, I’m shocked no one has figured it out yet.”

While many people have questioned Biden’s consistent gaffes and flops while trying to win the DNC nomination, few have thought that he may have actually died months ago and his actions were being performed by two slackers. Although, it seems blatantly obvious.

Aside from the sunglasses that covered Biden’s lifeless eyes, a series of comical strings and pulleys were used to reanimate the politician. Unfortunately, the two jokesters know little to nothing about politics

“Luckily, I know ventriloquism so I just say a bunch of political buzzwords I heard on The West Wing while Drew flaps Biden’s jaw,” “Tricky” Ricky said. “CNN and MSNBC not only haven’t noticed but seem to really like what I have to say.”

The ruse was almost up when the boys forgot Biden in a small Iowa diner but returned to find the locals were chatting Biden up and were none the wiser. One local farmer expressed how down to earth Biden seemed and really took the time to listen.

In an effort to attract younger voters, Ricky and Drew plan to tie Biden to a pair of water skis at Wisconsin Dells.

Luigi Amiibo Curved to Hit G-Spot

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced in a press conference today that the new Luigi Amiibo doubles as a fully functioning sex toy, including a meticulously designed curve to make contact with the g-spot as customers have demanded for some time.

“We always try to focus on the user experience when designing our products, and this new Amiibo is no exception,” said Nintendo spokesperson Murkami Haruhiko. “We are fully aware of the effect Luigi has on women and men alike.”

Haruhiko began the slideshow presentation with the technical specifications of the unit, including details about hardware connectivity and ease of insertion.

“We want to make sure that players are getting the most out of their Luigi Amiibo both inside and outside the bedroom. That’s why we designed this model to be fully compatible with the Nintendo Switch, the 3DS and all the human body’s erogenous zones,” he explained.

The slideshow then displayed how the new, patented “Let’s-a-Cum!” curve of the Amiibo brings maximum attention to the g-spot when inserted into either orifice, leading to delicious internal orgasms while also integrating with your favorite Nintendo games.

“The base of the Amiibo holds an RFID card which allows for communication between the Amiibo and your Nintendo device,” said Haruhiko, showing a multi-angle instructional video, “and also functions as a ‘Find my Amiibo’ locator to keep Luigi from getting lost inside the vaginal or anal canal.”

The curve isn’t the only special feature on what the vibrant Nintendo fan community has already dubbed the “mean green lovin’ machine.” The hat will reportedly feature an angled g-spot tip, meant to maximize stimulation, and the nose is designed with the clitoris in mind, and can be used to bring oneself to a clitoral orgasm.

“This thing will have you screaming Mama Mia!” joked Haruhiko to scattered chuckles from reporters. “But seriously, though. Strap in.”

Nintendo ended the press conference by clarifying that the Kirby Amiibo is not designed as a sex toy and that “only a real fucking sicko” would use it as such.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Mortified After Being Named Employee of the Month

SALINAS, Calif. — Local punk Jack Hunter was upset yesterday in learning that he was being named Platt Electric Supply’s “Employee of the Month,” despite his best efforts to not give a shit about his job, deeply embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I honestly don’t know how this is possible. I come in late, I take two-hour lunch breaks, and last month, I came in so drunk I drove the forklift right through one of the bay doors,” said Hunter as he tried covering the small plaque featuring his photo with stickers. “Please don’t tell any of my friends about this. They might think I actually care about work, and they will never let me live it down. Don’t get me wrong, the $50 gift card to Safeway is pretty cool, but everything else needs to be kept quiet.”

Hunter’s direct superior, warehouse supervisor Chris Williams, was instrumental in convincing management to bestow this honor on the perpetually fucked-up employee.

“Yeah, listen: Jack is a good kid. He reminds me a lot of myself. Back when I was in my 20s, I used to enter competitive jet ski competitions. I didn’t give a shit about work — I’d come in so gacked on cocaine, I wouldn’t even realize I was still wearing my wet suit,” said Williams. “With time, Jack will realize that all there is to life is work: friends will come and go, and most of his friends will probably die sooner than he thinks. There’s no need to fight it — the sooner he learns to be a company man, the sooner he can start looking into becoming a salesman. That’s where the real money is.”

Unfortunately, news of the award has already reached prominent members of the local punk community.

“I fucking knew Jack was nothing more than a corporate shill,” said unemployed punk Lester Rianda, who currently resides on Hunter’s couch. “Last week, he didn’t even want to go dumpster diving for food — he fucking bought us both dinner at this nice Thai place downtown, all the while bragging about his Netflix subscription. He’s exactly what is wrong with the scene. I should’ve seen this coming when I heard him say, ‘I love you’ to his mother on the phone the other day.”

As of press time, Hunter was already appealing the award by spray painting “werk sux” on the sides of his boss’s Escalade.

Straight Edge Kids Leave Empty Seat for Ian MacKaye at Edge Day Seder

BOSTON — Four devout straight edge kids kept with tradition yesterday and left a seat open for Minor Threat frontman Ian MacKaye during their annual Edge Day Seder, X’d up sources confirmed.

“Some people just pour the fifth cup of Mexican Coke for Ian and call it a day,” Les Jones, the host of the evening’s celebration, said of the practice. “But in this apartment, we go all out: we set out an empty chair at the table, then open the door to our practice space in case the spirit of Ian wants to jam, and we conclude the night with readings from the lyrics of ‘In My Eyes’ and ‘Straight Edge.’ These Edge Day traditions date back over 20 years, and it’s very important we keep them alive for the next generation that’s nailed to the ‘X.’”

For many, the seating arrangement at the Edge Day Seder is one of the least important parts of observing the holiday.

“Ever since I claimed edge in high school, my favorite part of the Edge Day dinner is reading quotes from the ‘Disavowing,’ which contains dozens of Ian’s quotes collected over the years where he says he never meant to start a movement,” said Salt Lake City-based straight edge kid Kurt Liston. “With my straight edge brothers and sisters, we would share MacKaye’s parables about not needing merchandise, or legends of how MacKaye would cut and fold each 7-inch by hand.”

Evergreen State University professor of Edge Studies, “True” Tom Hollenbrook, elaborated on the roots of Edge Day and its traditions.

“As we must turn away the poser, so too must we turn away each other. Thus, the chair is left open, welcoming the one person who didn’t want ‘straight edge’ to ever be a thing,” said Hollenbrook. “On the day Ten Yard Fight played their farewell show, it was said that every straight edger in attendance reached a new level of self righteousness. Each year, those celebrating Edge Day try to reach those heights spiritually… with no help from drugs or alcohol, of course.”

As is tradition, once the dinner concluded, the Seder guests prayed to Karl Buechner to bring retribution to those who have broken edge.

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