SALINAS, Calif. — Local punk Jack Hunter was upset yesterday in learning that he was being named Platt Electric Supply’s “Employee of the Month,” despite his best efforts to not give a shit about his job, deeply embarrassed sources confirmed.
“I honestly don’t know how this is possible. I come in late, I take two-hour lunch breaks, and last month, I came in so drunk I drove the forklift right through one of the bay doors,” said Hunter as he tried covering the small plaque featuring his photo with stickers. “Please don’t tell any of my friends about this. They might think I actually care about work, and they will never let me live it down. Don’t get me wrong, the $50 gift card to Safeway is pretty cool, but everything else needs to be kept quiet.”
Hunter’s direct superior, warehouse supervisor Chris Williams, was instrumental in convincing management to bestow this honor on the perpetually fucked-up employee.
“Yeah, listen: Jack is a good kid. He reminds me a lot of myself. Back when I was in my 20s, I used to enter competitive jet ski competitions. I didn’t give a shit about work — I’d come in so gacked on cocaine, I wouldn’t even realize I was still wearing my wet suit,” said Williams. “With time, Jack will realize that all there is to life is work: friends will come and go, and most of his friends will probably die sooner than he thinks. There’s no need to fight it — the sooner he learns to be a company man, the sooner he can start looking into becoming a salesman. That’s where the real money is.”
Unfortunately, news of the award has already reached prominent members of the local punk community.
“I fucking knew Jack was nothing more than a corporate shill,” said unemployed punk Lester Rianda, who currently resides on Hunter’s couch. “Last week, he didn’t even want to go dumpster diving for food — he fucking bought us both dinner at this nice Thai place downtown, all the while bragging about his Netflix subscription. He’s exactly what is wrong with the scene. I should’ve seen this coming when I heard him say, ‘I love you’ to his mother on the phone the other day.”
As of press time, Hunter was already appealing the award by spray painting “werk sux” on the sides of his boss’s Escalade.