Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Music Used to Be Way Better Back When I Was on Drugs

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Jon Swihart

I hate to be one of “those guys,” but I’m starting to notice that music nowadays sucks. I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s just something missing.

Music used to make me feel something. Like one time, I was rolling pretty hard at a Daft Punk show and I felt this enormous outburst of love for everyone around me, even perfect strangers. Those guys knew how to make music that moved you. Compare that to Ariana Grande’s superficial claptrap. Did I feel love for every living thing when I watched her on the Today Show while ironing my dress shirts? Fuck no.

Maybe it’s because music isn’t as thoughtful anymore. I remember being back in the dorms, snorting lines to LCD Soundsystem as we debated philosophy and imagined life in the culturally superior cities of Europe. We felt bonded by the nonstop waves of enlightened intelligence we experienced as “North American Scum” blared over my computer speakers, the bass frequencies rumbling the neatly divided powder out of alignment on the desk.

That’s the power music used to have. And I don’t just mean music that was popular during my formative years. Go back a few decades, and the effect only gets stronger.

Keith Emerson could actually take me on a journey with his keyboard melodies, like that time at the cabin when I was jamming to ELP on acid and got lost trying to find the bathroom. Yeah, I pissed all over myself but I also got to know myself too. The only journey Ed Sheeran takes me on is my drive to work.

It’s so weird. It’s like as soon as I turned 30 and got a solid 9-to-5 office job, music just sort of turned to shit. My wife feels the same way, even about musical genres we thought we’d always love. On our way to her ultrasound, we listened to that new jam band, Mungion because my old roommate who used to grow shrooms in his closet told us to check them out. We tried to get into it, but it couldn’t compare to the set Phish played the night we met in the opium tent.

It’s just sad. My daughter deserves to grow up with meaningful music, not this beep-boop, computer-generated, humanity-erasing sewage they’re pumping out these days.

I will, however, make an exception for Post Malone. One of his songs came on at my friend’s bachelor party after he surprised us with some dabs, and I’ll admit: dude’s got talent.

Heartwarming: Pregnant Woman Gives Up Subway Seat to Gamer Playing Switch

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Pat Cavanaugh

NEW YORK — Rebecca Sheenan showed there’s still kindness in the world when she gave up her seat to a fellow passenger playing his Nintendo Switch, several riders on the A-Line have confirmed.

“When I saw him standing there grinding through a Dead Cells run in handheld, I knew I had to help him out,” said Sheenan, eight months pregnant. “The game already has frame-rate issues when playing on an undocked Switch, and the last thing he needed was someone bumping into him right before he beat The Hand of the King. It was the least I could do.”

Sheenan’s actions touched the gamer, Rick Desideri, who was not expecting such compassion from a complete stranger.

“I was in The Ramparts when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I thought someone was trying to get by me, or worse, trying to mess up my run. I was ready to tell them to ‘screw off,’” Desideri said. “When I turned around, Rebecca gave me the sweetest smile and gestured to her seat. I just about cried. You don’t see that sort of selflessness anymore — especially on a crowded subway car.”

Several A-Line passengers who saw the generous display reportedly carried that positive energy throughout the day.

“I was nervous when I had to take the subway by myself from my daughter’s home to the hospital for my hip replacement surgery,” said Maggie Calloway, who was standing with her walker on the other side of the car. “But after I saw that woman give up her seat to that young man so he could make it to The Black Bridge, I was reminded that I’m not in this alone.”

Others reflected on how they could learn from and replicate Sheenan’s attitude in their own lives.

“These are polarizing times. Anger and division are everywhere,” said Brad Griffith, who was standing near Desideri and happens to be one of the last living World War II veterans. “We need to be more intentional in helping each other reach The Collector, Dead Cells’ true last boss,” “That pregnant woman showed me a gentler, more considerate way of being. We all need to be more like Rebecca Sheenan.”

Sheenan exited the train before Desideri could thank her, but he hopes she knows he’s grateful, and that, although his Switch’s battery died when he was in the Forgotten Sepulcher, Sheenan’s goodwill still made his day.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

All Ages Get Up Kids Show Still 21 And Up

Posted on October 21, 2019 by John-Michael Bond

NASHVILLE — An all-ages show last night featuring emo pioneers The Get Up Kids was still a 21-and-up event when no one under the age of 30 attended, according to multiple sources who have to be up early tomorrow morning and wish they hadn’t forgot earplugs.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” commented 328 Live manager Jenn Cunningham. “Normally for these all-ages pop-punk shows, we only need one guy checking IDs… but our door guy was left out there with no backup and an ocean of 30-year-olds, in admittedly cool band shirts, who all needed wristbands.”

“The number of wallets that needed fishing out of deep cargo pockets really held things up, but luckily, we powered through it,” she added. “Also, where the hell are these people’s children?”

While the oversight delayed the band’s headlining set by nearly two hours, the line of show-goers who “can’t remember the last time they were out this late on a Thursday” was cheerful regardless.

“Our first date was a Get Up Kids show in high school — it was awesome singing along then and it still is now,” said 37-year-old punk Brandi Jordan, gesturing to her husband Terry. “I know that was in a completely different town and state, but this somehow seemed like the exact same show. Whatever, still awesome live. Plus, this time we don’t have to get drunk in the parking lot.”

However, younger music fans remain secure in their decision to not attend.

“My parents have been playing me emo records since I was born,” said 15-year-old student and local punk Martina Banks. “Everything just sounds exactly like ‘Hotel California,’ and that song is like, 100 years old. I don’t need to waste my time seeing a bunch of dudes with business casual tattoos complaining about girls my age. I figured these guys are all married by now and just tour because they can’t get a gig writing commercial jingles.”

At press time, Knoxville High School’s Classic Rock Club was making plans to attend the Get Up Kids’ next tour stop.

Photo by Nicole Kibert.

Guy Tacks on “Music” to End of Instagram Username After Buying Guitar From Target

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Erin McLaughlin

MARION, Ill. — Local man Billy Harrison amended his Instagram username yesterday from “billyharrison” to “billyharrisonmusic” immediately after purchasing a nylon-string acoustic guitar from Target, disturbed sources confirm.

“The moment I noticed that sweet lady next to a three-piece recorder, coming with a gig case, tuner, and stand for only $99, I knew being a musician was my calling,” said Harrison. “I dabbled with guitar in middle school but gave up when I couldn’t get a D chord to sound right. But I’ve realized that shouldn’t stop me from achieving my dreams — plus, I think they have apps now to make sure the strings sound good or something.”

Target employee and former high school classmate of Harrison’s, Sheila Thoen, was shocked when he uploaded a video of him playing guitar in his room just two hours after the purchase.

“I was nervous when I saw him at self-checkout, holding the guitar upside down by its neck trying to find the barcode,” said Thoen. “I hoped it was just a present for his little brother or something… but when I checked Insta after work and saw he’d already uploaded a cover of ‘Such Great Heights,’ I deleted Instagram immediately.”

Local guitarist Clifford Goldfuss joined the disgust over Harrison’s social media activity.

“He added ‘music’ to his username only three months after I did,” said Goldfuss. “At least when I started, I had some poetry from high school to use as lyrics for original songs. I mean, come on… covers? I’m pissed that it’s only been a day and he already has eight followers.”

Despite the backlash, some are proud of Harrison for sharing his musical potential with the world.

“I figured out how to download Instagram when Billy said he was doing music online now,” said his mother Dorris Harrison. “I’m very proud of him for working so hard to achieve his dreams, and I think it’s humble that he never mentioned his interest in music before. You don’t meet a lot of musicians like that!”

At press time, Harris had ordered a bandana off of Amazon and reportedly has a “Beverly Hills” cover coming out next week.

Horse Probably Fine

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Ella Gale

IMPERIAL CITY, Tamriel — MolagMoProblems, a dark elf who has not seen her beloved piebald destrier Fuckstick since she galloped the horse into a pool of lava outside of Ald’ruhn, expressed no worries about the sturdy beast of burden.

“I guess you could say I Vvardenfell off,” quipped the sorcerer. “But I’m not going to birth a guar over a little burning horsehair. Fuckstick’s seen worse. Everyone needs to calm down, it’s just lava.”

A nearby observer expressed doubts. “I saw it sink into the melted rock like a Jarl into mead.”

King JorUnnoyingMe was similarly unbothered about the fate of his Frostbane horse Boobs, who he fell off during the first big push in veteran Hel Ra Citadel. “Yeah, I heard some arrows thumping into flesh. And some screams. But that was probably just the noobs I picked up in Belkarth bleeding to death. Boobs has a really thick coat.”

Substitutes-Tofu, a spokeslizard for the Argonian Society for the Protection of Crownstore Animals, however, expressed concern about the treatment of mounts throughout Tamriel, “I erect the spine of concern.” The Argonian said that riders frequently abandon their mounts at the worst possible time, leaving guar in snowbanks and wooly bears in the middle of the Alik’r deserts. “It’s more scandalous than a children’s production of the Lusty Argonian Maid.”

Other mer saw no need to worry. Orc DelicateTusk69 described her mount as very independent. “I didn’t spend all that gold on stamina lessons for nothing,” said the orc. “Last week I left Princess Sparkle in the middle of an ogre camp.” When the orc returned to the camp, the horse was gone.

“She’s off on a little adventure,” said the blasé orsimer. “On the plus side, those ogres left a terrific stew in the pot.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Goth Girl Will Have You Know Pagans Invented Fall

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Anna Walsh

ALLSTON, Mass. — Teachers and students at Allston High School were enthusiastically told moments ago by goth classmate Willow Bates that pagans invented the entire season known as fall, confirmed sources who aren’t quite sure what to believe.

“People think Johnny fucking Appleseed went around growing all these fall trees. Wrong — it was the pagans! And, as a matter of fact, they were also the first to extract spice from pumpkins. But sure, give Starbucks all the credit,” the 11th grader stated. “I’m so sick of all these people acting like ancient spiritual rituals are just Western world ‘holidays’ and ‘seasons.’ The hard work witch and warlock pagans did for centuries is being completely erased by Hallmark and grandparents.”

Concerned teachers are trying their best to stop the spread of Bates’ misinformation.

“We have years and years of scientific research proving the changing of the seasons is based on astronomical forces — but she insists it’s the pagans and their rituals that started it,” said science teacher Pamela Wrigley. “Last week, she hijacked my class to read ‘truths’ from a book so thick it took two people to lift it, and it had bindings that looked older than the Constitution. Please don’t get her started on Halloween… as if she doesn’t find a way to bring that up all year as it is.”

Acquaintance Jorge Tullage seemed somewhat swayed by Bates’ “facts” about paganism.

“I had no idea we have the pagans to thank for so many things — not just leaves changing, apples, pumpkins, acorns and other related nuts, hay bales, ghosts, the Grim Reaper, ghouls, goblins, witches, candy corn, and spiced cider… but also a whole bunch of Christmas shit, too,” Tullage said. “The Romans actually forced everyone to put the word ‘Christ’ into the winter holiday under threat of decapitation. At least, that’s what Willow said, and she seems to know a lot of stuff about a lot of things.”

At press time, Allston High administration was exploring how to thwart Bates’ plans for spring holidays, which reportedly could include a February massacre and a number of snakes brought into the school in mid-March.

Top 10 Blink 182 Songs That – Ok Now That the Boomers Are Gone, How Do We Get Rid of Them Permanently Before They Destroy the Planet?

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Jonah Nink

Nothing beats a good Blink 182 song, here is our top 10 list.

10. Mutt – This Enema of the State deep-cut is an underrated gem blink 182’s already stellar catalog and…

Sorry, just making sure they were gone.

Bringing up Blink 182 never fails when you need to scare away baby boomers quickly. I can’t tell you how good it feels to finally form a complete thought without being told “how good us kids have it these days.” ”

Don’t get me wrong, Boomers have done a lot of good. They’ve given us Black Sabbath, Star Wars, and George Clooney. But this whole “lay waste to the economy and the environment until we die” thing has really gotten out of hand.

I suggest putting a bunch of condos, yacht docks, and Margaritaville hotels on Mars. That way we can clean things up on earth while they enjoy some fun in the Martian sun. As an added bonus, most of them will suffocate!

Maybe we can create a computer simulation where they can all pollute the environment and vote republican to their heart’s content. It would be just like the Matrix except replace all of the Keanu Reeves stuff with “MASH” reruns.

Let’s try to avoid solutions that involve too many plastic tarps and chainsaws. These are our friends, parents, and neighbors we’re talking about. We love them but we also wish they weren’t so active in bringing about the apocalypse.

Anyone have any other ideas? How about you, genXer’s? You guys were growing up when these people were voting for Reagan and snorting mountains of cocaine so you must have some idea about what their weaknesses might be. At least think of something now to make life easier for us when you all start pulling this same shit too.

Anyway, Blink is a pretty sick band though. I wonder how Mark Hoppus would solve this? He’d probably replace them with Matt Skiba. That’s usually his solution.

Stretch of Highway Adopted by Hardcore Crew in Absolute Disarray

Posted on October 20, 2019 by Rick Homuth

DENVER — Members of local hardcore crew Mile High Wolfpack adopted a stretch of highway last month, which has since fallen into complete and utter disarray only six weeks after taking on the responsibility.

“We figured it was time to, y’know… give back, or whatever,” said crew member “Vile” Vince Patrick during their inaugural visit to the highway. “Straight up, get organized. Plus, it started to look like the whole ordeal with the Rocky Mountain oysters at the vegan potluck wasn’t gonna blow over — which was total bullshit, by the way. People around here need to learn to take a fuckin’ joke.”

Despite the best of intentions, the “meanest and most-down motherfuckers in straight edge Denver beatdown” let their designated section of Interstate 25 fill up with fast food bags, scraps of truck tire, and “the bloody, chewed-up end of an elk’s ass, nuts and all.”

“They definitely started out with their hearts in the right place,” said Patrick’s girlfriend Yoani Gutierrez. “They even added it to the chore wheel at Wolf House — right in between ‘do dishes’ and ‘walk Peanut,’ they put a section that said ‘clean highway.’ For a second I thought it might work… before I realized the dishes hadn’t been done in months, and Peanut was Vince’s old dog who died back in 2014.”

Local residents and highway commuters have mixed feelings about the crew’s road adoption.

“I spend four fucking hours stuck in traffic on that shit-stained piece of piss-soaked highway every goddamn day,” said kindergarten teacher Irving Wallace. “When I saw the sign saying it’d been adopted by a ‘wolfpack,’ I figured some hippies stepped up… or maybe those furries I’d heard about on NPR.”

“But it’s 10 times worse than it was before,” he added. “I tried asking one of them about it and he spit on my windshield and told me to ‘ditch [my] cancer stick, asshole.’”

Despite the mixed results, other local hardcore outfits are reportedly considering adopting their own portions of highway.

“Yo, fuck those MHWP scrubs,” said Ray Grubinsky of the rival Colorado Goon Squad. “We’re gonna adopt some primo shit so good like you never seen. We got like, three dudes who roll with us who are real good at cleaning highways, on account of all that court-ordered community service. Those wolf wimps are dead fuckin’ meat.”

At press time, several commuters reported the littered highway had gone nearly an entire week without a visit from a crewmember volunteer, leading to speculation that the Wolfpack had abandoned the idea altogether.

Boycotting Porn With Female Characters Sends Gamer on Journey of Self Discovery

Posted on October 19, 2019 by Andy Holt

LINCOLN, Neb. — In the months since launching a personal boycott of all “politically correct” pornographic material featuring women of any kind, local gamer Chase Turbull has reportedly undergone a beautiful transformation into a more confident, fulfilled version of himself.

“It all started when I was watching a clip of a man and woman having sex on PornHub, and as usual, I was just totally disgusted that they would shoehorn this gross woman into a perfectly good film about a hot dude getting off,” said Turnbull, recounting the beginning of his journey into previously buried elements of his sexual identity. “And I decided, you know what, I’m done with porn shoving politics down my throat. From now on, I’m only watching films with hunky dudes going to town on each other. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Turnbull’s friends confirmed that the boycott began a slow change in his demeanor, beginning with a more animated and happy outlook on life, and culminating in an official “coming out” to his best friend and fellow gamer David Geiss.

“I’ll never forget when he told he was gay,” said Geiss. “We had just walked out of Captain Marvel five minutes in, and we were taking videos of ourselves ripping up our tickets. He just came out and said it. We both cried and hugged. I was so proud of him.”

Facebook posts from the past several years reveal that Turnbull had engaged in similar boycotts before, including a boycott of the WWE following the “Women’s Revolution” in 2015, when the company expanded the role of female wrestlers in its promotions.

“Im fuckin done with this ‘diva’ bullshit, who the fuck wants to watch some skinny blonde girl in skimpy clothes when you got a prime piece of beef like John Cena all greased up ready to throw down with a hefty daddy like the Big Show,” wrote Turnbull in a years-old post on the topic.

Turnbull now finds those previous comments embarrassing, describing that particular Facebook post as “silly” and “totally out of line.”

“I read that stuff and I can see the real me trying to come out, but all the macho WWE bullshit was getting in the way,” said Turnbull while attending an airing of RuPaul’s Drag Race at a local sports bar with friends. “Good thing I’m still boycotting that shit. They put a women’s match in WrestleMania this year, right? Fuckin’ liberals.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Poser Outed After Spelling Descendents with an “A”

Posted on October 19, 2019 by Kevin Tit

CINCINNATI — Local punk Jon Weiner was outed as a poser yesterday after mistakenly spelling the name of popular punk band Descendents with an ‘A,’ multiple disgusted sources report.

“Everyone is blowing this way out of proportion,” said supposed fan Weiner. “I was excited to see them live and posted about it on Facebook… I swear it was an autocorrect error. Within minutes, everybody jumped down my throat, making all sorts of false accusations. The one that cut deepest was when someone said I only know who they are because Sublime covered ‘Hope.’ It was an eye-opening experience — it really showed me who my true friends are.”

Weiner wasn’t the only person affected by this colossal misspelling.

“I want absolutely nothing to do with that garbage human,” said Weiner’s cooler, older brother, Mark. “I don’t know what all that poser shit is about, but it in no way reflects who I am. In fact, I’m in the process of changing my name to distance myself from that fucking cop.”

“If that motherfucker shows up to Thanksgiving this year I’m going to fucking lose it,” he added. “I already told my parents to delete his number, and if he comes near our little sister, then I hope he has good medical insurance… because the doctors are going to have a hell of a time figuring how his nose got so knocked so far back in his face.”

Punk experts, including Harvard professor William “Crass” Orbishaw, claim that band name misspells are one of the most common reasons people are run out of their respective scenes.

“This happens a lot more than most people think, and it’s not exclusive to punk,” said Orbishaw. “Bands like Def Leppard, Limp Bizkit, and Staind — they’ve all had their names misspelled by fans. What’s interesting about punks is that they are much less forgiving: I can’t tell you how many people had their lives destroyed after adding that extra ‘d’ in spelling ‘The Adicts.’ It’s an epidemic I genuinely believe should be a part of the national conversation.”

At press time, Jon Weiner was photographed at the Descendents show wearing an “Adolescence” back patch.

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