Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Noise Musician Unsure Which Project Files Are Complete

Posted on October 23, 2019 by Edgar Towner

DENVER — Local harsh noise artist Jeremy Phillips halted progress on his upcoming EP today when he couldn’t determine which of his songs were finished, scene sources report.

“Goddammit… not again,” said Phillips, who is better known in the noise scene by the name HorsePope. “This always happens — I step away for a week, and when I get back, I have no idea which Logic files are complete and which ones still need bitcrushing. Look at this track — this version has five compressors on it, and this other one has three compressors and a bunch of ring mods. They’re both felony-level auditory assaults, sure, but which one did I leave off on? It’s not like I can just listen to them to check — I can’t make heads or tails of this shit.”

Phillips vented his frustration on the internet, where other noise musicians were empathetic to his struggle.

“Yeah, that’s a pretty common problem,” said April Martin, vocalist and electromagnet player for noise band NoseFrida the Snotsucker. “It can be hard to decide when things are finished: you agonize over whether a track has enough samples of tearing sheet metal, or whether you should go down to the emergency room to pick up more field recordings. Perfectionism is rampant in the scene, but sometimes, you have to put your foot down and say, ‘I’m only gonna do one take of this unlistenable feedback loop, and it’ll have to be good enough no matter what.’”

While Phillips’s fellow noise artists voiced their solidarity, his listeners worried that his creative frustrations might carry over into his music.

“Lately, HorsePope’s work seems a bit sloppy,” said noise fan Mishka “Clot” Khatri. “His old shit was laser-focused perfection, but I barely made it through the ‘cat in a dishwasher’ part of his last album before I noticed how unfinished it sounded. There’s nothing worse than a rushed, uninspired noise track, you know what I mean?”

“Oh, you don’t?” Khatri continued. “Well, it’s easy to tell when you know what to look for. You just gotta… I mean, once you notice the, uh… hold up, let me smoke a bowl real quick, and then I’ll break it down for you.”

At press time, Phillips was attempting to alleviate his creative block by staring into television static and listening to recordings of car crashes.

Dude Crowd Surfing Has Been Dead for Hours

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Dan Rice

HARTFORD, Conn. — Harvest Jam music festival attendees are still helping a fellow fan crowd-surf, blissfully unaware they’ve been hoisting a cadaver over their heads for nearly three hours.

“Holy shit — that guy can really hang in there. He’s outlasted every stupid beachball in this place and shows no signs of slowing down,” said festival goer Deepak Mahbubani, marveling at the dead man’s crowd surfing technique. “That’s a dude who knows the secret, man: you just gotta go limp and let the flow move you. He’s even managed to stay up there between bands — that’s a level of commitment most people just don’t have.”

The body is rumored to be that of David Hearsh, a guitar tech who fell off the stage earlier today after inhaling tainted vape juice — an act falsely interpreted by the entire crowd as “being in the groove.”

“I’ve never seen someone just surrender themselves to the crowd so completely,” admired jam band fan Tricia Parker. “It was almost Christ-like. That guy is cold as a fish, and I’m pretty sure he shit his pants, but hot damn, can he surf a crowd. Security will usually help people down if they get too close to the barrier… but this guy has a way of navigating away from danger that I can’t quite comprehend.”

Medical experts were not surprised by the hundreds of drug-addled music fans oblivious to Hearsh’s cold touch and foul odor, the result of his heart stopping and his bowels evacuating themselves hours ago.

“When most people come in contact with a crowd surfer, they’re already frustrated by supporting a flailing sack of meat, and they immediately try to keep the person moving,” said Dr. Angela Weathers, one of the premier researchers of festival behavior. “In this case, the corpse has been passed along at such a rapid pace that nobody noticed there’s no longer life in his eyes. In situations like this, it’s best to just leave the body up there — if people become aware they’re handling a dead man, they could drop him to the floor and trample his body into mush.”

While Hearsh’s fellow stage hands are aware that he is dead, they reportedly consider him lucky, as his death means he can no longer hear 40-minute versions of “Fire on the Mountain.”

Man Knows More About Superman’s Parents Than His Own

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Peter Clark-Deutsch

RICHMOND, Va. — Thirty-two year old comic book fanatic Kevin Hughes has more knowledge about Superman’s canonically dead parents than he does of his still living parents, according to close sources.

“In the Earth One Universe, Superman’s biological father Jor-El was the most prominent and ingenious inventor on the planet Krypton, while his mother, Lara Lor-Van was one of the planet’s leading astronauts,” recited Hughes, who never bothered to learn what his parent’s hopes and dreams were before they started a family.

“One of my favorite issues is the one where Jor-El heroically stops the tyrannical hypnotist Ral-En from taking over Krypton,” continued Hughes. “And did you know that Lara was a master of the kryptonian martial art of klurkor?”

When asked about his own parents, however, Hughes said that he had no idea how they met and didn’t see the point of wasting “precious brain storage” with frivolous information.

“That’s Kevin, for you — always wrapped up in his little comic books,” said Hughes’ mother, Barbara. “He’s a good kid though. I get a birthday card from him every year, and this time, he was only three years off my correct age.”

While Hughes stated that he does love his parents, he gets annoyed with them frequently for not understanding his passion for DC comics.

“Can you believe that my dad actually thought that the Kents were Superman’s biological parents?” Hughes said disdainfully. “Everyone knows that Superman was sent to Earth in a rocket as a baby because it was a last ditch effort by his real Kryptonian parents to save their son before their planet exploded. I mean, it was sweet that my dad tried to watch Smallville to talk about it with me, but it’s just plain embarrassing how many basic details of the story he failed to grasp.”

At press time, Hughes was flipping through the pages of an issue of Superman, wistfully sighing and imagining how nice it would be to have parents as amazing as Jor-El and Lara.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opening Gladiator Asks to Borrow Headliner’s Trident, Big Net

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Jonah Nink

ROME — Debuting gladiator Felix Augustus had to borrow weapons yesterday from a more established warrior ahead of his opening bout at the Coliseum, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I can’t thank Brutus Maximus enough: without him, I’d have been fed to the lions, quite literally,” said the 22 year-old Augustus, still drenched in blood and human viscera. “I was terrified to ask, though, because last night was the start of his empire-wide tour, and if I broke his weapons he’d have torn me in half.”

Augustus landed the opening slot on the Coliseum’s weekly, all-ages slaughter lineup after earning a healthy following in Rome’s DIY gladiatorial scene. However, his unpreparedness may prevent him from landing future battles to the death.

“I really try my best to book local scene gladiators, but I may need to hold off for a while after this,” said Showus Promotus, the lead show promoter. “The Emperor was at this show, and if this whole trident fiasco got out of hand, my entire staff and I would’ve absolutely been crucified.”

While he was ultimately happy to help the young gladiator out, headliner Maximus still had inhibitions about giving up his prized trident and net.

“I was about halfway through my pre-fight giant mutton leg when this nervous-looking kid walked into my chambers. I told him that the male prostitute’s quarters were down the hall,” said Maximus while being massaged by one of his servants. “He explained that he was opener and asked to borrow my stuff. It took some convincing, but I eventually said ‘yes’ just to get him to stop crying. I’m always hesitant to do this, because last year some idiot got killed using my shield and I never got it back. I’m still pissed.”

In addition to aiding Augustus from having to forfeit the games and be devoured, Maximus’s professional-quality trident and big net gave Augustus a sizable advantage over his opponents.

“I’ve played around with tridents like this at Centaur Center alot, but never had a chance to actually use one live before,” said Augustus. “The action when driving it through someone’s rib cage feels great!”

We Can’t Remember Why We Made This Image of Mike Pence in a Dokken T-Shirt

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

Well, this is just a fucking mess.

Last night I went on what my ex refers to as one of my “dangerous binge drinking sessions” and made the above image. Now, mind you, I have no recollection of doing this, but apparently I found it funny enough of an idea to make and send to my editor.

Turns out, he found it pretty funny too and now is sending me threatening emails demanding that I write the article. I’ve been going through my emails and I can’t find any record of the conversation that we had, so I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to be writing right now.

It just seems so oddly specific, I mean why Dokken? I didn’t hear them at the bar I was at and I know nothing about them. I couldn’t pick out one of their songs if my life depended on it and I’m not aware of any affinity they have for the Vice President. Nothing against them personally, but there have to be other better known eighties metal bands I could have selected. Stryper would have made much more sense.

I guess the image on its own is funny enough, but I think the editors could at least be nice about this. I’m supposed to mine 300 words from what’s essentially a meme? I’ve emailed them asking them to just scrap this idea, but they insist that this was one of the best headlines I’ve ever pitched and for the life of me. Maybe they’re punishing me for pitching this in the first place? I don’t know what’s so goddamn funny!

Well, anyway, that should be enough words to avoid getting fired. Sorry If you read this.

Best Buy Website Accidentally Lists Unannounced U.S. President Coming in 2020

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Noah Ammerman

RICHFIELD, Minn. — Several eagle-eyed gamers recently discovered a Best Buy website listing for a previously unannounced entry in the President of the United States series. The listing was taken down after approximately 45 minutes, but screenshots confirming the release date and title are still making the rounds on Twitter and Reddit.

According to the leak, this highly-anticipated sequel will be titled POTUS 46, and is scheduled for release during Holiday 2020. Though no official announcement has been issued by the series’ developer, White House, the timing makes sense, given their reputation for releasing new installments or deluxe “Second Term” editions every four years. A Holiday 2020 release also lines up with the recently-confirmed launch of the PS5, which could mean we’re looking at a launch title.

Best Buy CEO Corie Barry denied the legitimacy of this leak in a statement shortly after its discovery.

“It’s common practice for major retailers to speculate on upcoming releases and prepare entries in our online system,” explained Barry. “At this time, we don’t have any information on if or when a new POTUS is coming.”

Regardless, there are some telltale signs that the developers are gearing up for a new project. White House has opened dozens of positions over the past year in an effort to rotate in new talent. Though they are still releasing content for POTUS 45, there have been recent indications that multiplayer support for the title is winding down.

Gamers are practically frothing at the mouth over the prospect of a new title — especially since the previous entry in the series was poorly received. Though it still has some diehard fans, most players agreed POTUS 45 was a disappointment, largely because the protagonist was unlikable and difficult to control.

As for the identity of the next main character, we have little more than speculation so far. Fan artists have already taken to social media, sketching up their ideas for a new design, while others say the previous protagonist will make a return.

One thing is pretty clear — with the exception of POTUS 44, White House doesn’t vary up their character design much between titles. Fans of the series probably shouldn’t hold their breath for any major changes, but it’s possible that the developers will finally make good on their promise to allow players to select the protagonist’s gender this time around.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Band Covering “Holiday in Cambodia” Totally Forgot About That Hard “N-Bomb” in There

Posted on October 22, 2019 by Kevin Tit

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Local punk band The Cancelled realized they made an awful mistake last night within seconds of starting to cover the Dead Kennedys’ classic song, “Holiday in Cambodia,” still mortified sources confirmed.

“Oh, fuck! What the fuck?! Did he just say what I think he said?” drummer Nick “Fills” Phillips blurted mid-song in a panic. “Holy shit — how have we not noticed? Has he been saying it at practice this whole time? Should I still even be playing? Why does everybody but our singer look worried about this? I’m going to ask my girlfriend to draft an apology letter for us as soon as the show is over… but hell, she might dump me.”

Members of the audience were visibly uncomfortable by the inclusion of the lyric.

“I can’t lie: when I heard that bass line start, I got really pumped,” said showgoer Dylan Cervantes. “But I figured he would just skip over the part where Jello says… um… that… word. Most reasonable people wouldn’t include it, especially in this part of town. Sure, if he were black it wouldn’t be an issue… but he’s not. I don’t think this is going to end well for the band. They should have just played ‘California Uber Alles’ or something.”

As the mob of irate audience members crowded the entryway to the green room, the band’s controversial frontman escaped to the bathroom, disguised in sunglasses and a scarf.

“I wanted to stay true to the song. I don’t know when everyone in the punk scene got so sensitive,” said Jeff Crumm, the visibly shaken singer. “It’s not like I just blurted the word out for no reason. I’m not a racist! All I did was sing it like everyone does alone in their car. That song has been around for decades, and I’ve never heard anybody make a stink about it before. How was I supposed to know everybody was gonna get mad? Nobody even seems to care that I said it with the ‘A’ at the end, so it wasn’t even the bad kind of n-word.”

At press time, Crumm issued an “apology” by posting an acoustic cover of Minor Threat’s “Guilty of Being White” to The Cancelled’s YouTube channel.

BioWare Plans Exciting Halloween Event for Person Still Playing Anthem

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Pat Cavanaugh

EDMONTON, Canada — BioWare teased an exciting Halloween event for its Anthem player, Kenny Simons, in a press release sent out to reporters.

“We’re thrilled to announce Anthem’s seasonal event for Halloween 2019, which we’re calling Season of Skulls,” said a BioWare spokesperson. “Things are about to get a bit spooky in the nation of Bastion, and we can’t wait for our dedicated player to see what’s in store.”

While the developer was light on details, they hinted at a cataclysmic event, the sort Simons has come to relish during his solo sessions in the shared Anthem world.

“Whether Kenny is wandering through Fort Tarsis or flying through the dangerous wilds of Bastion, he’s used to having NPCs with whom he can speak and form relationships,” read a press release from BioWare. “However, during the Season of Skulls event, Kenny may be surprised to see many of his NPCs have disappeared, leaving behind silent, ghostly apparitions. Only he will be able to figure out what happened to his beloved Freelancer friends.”

Over email, Simons expressed anticipation about what BioWare was planning for the Halloween event.

“The fine developers at BioWare have created such a massive open world for me to explore, and I’m continually amazed at how they surprise me with new updates and enemies,” he said. “I can’t wait to see how the Anthem experience changes when there are less people and creatures that I can talk to.”

Upon hearing about Anthem’s Halloween event, Todd Howard expressed concern that BioWare’s seasonal update could lure Bethesda’s Fallout 76 player away.

“They’re doing what?” Howard said. “Fuck. Guys, we need a Halloween event for Ron and we need it yesterday.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Aging Punk’s Half-Built Mini Ramp Monument to Time He Thought He Could Save Relationship With Skateboarding

Posted on October 21, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A half-built, dilapidated mini ramp in the backyard of aging skateboarder Roy Balderaz’s home is a lasting reminder of the strained relationship he has with skateboarding, sources who hope to clear the space for a garden confirmed.

“I can’t get rid of the ramp — that would be admitting I can’t call myself a skateboarder anymore,” said Balderaz, sporting a pair of months-old skate shoes still in pristine condition. “Street skating just started to hurt way too much: my knees and ankles were killing me, so I did what a lot of guys in their mid-30s do and started building a mini ramp in my backyard. I wanted to have ramp jams with people grilling and drinking beer… but the passion just wasn’t there to finish it.”

Balderaz’s long-term girlfriend Connie Wurster has been hounding him to destroy the eyesore.

“When he first started building it, I really supported him: skateboarding was really the only time he got any exercise, and without it he’s packed on a few pounds. Not that I mind that… but I would like the ramp gone,” said Wurster. “It’s becoming dangerous to have it around — our dog ran across it a few weeks ago and stepped on a rusty screw; that was a $400 vet visit. Plus, I think there’s a family of raccoons living underneath it, and they always drag garbage all over our backyard.”

Dr. Jeremy Kirchart specializes in helping aging skaters rediscover their love of skateboarding.

“I cannot stress enough that as you get older you skate less, and as a result, you can’t skate as hard as you did as a teenager, which is nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve helped so many skateboarders transition from gnarly handrail and gap skaters into the type of skaters that only slappy curbs and do no complies,” said Dr. Kirchart. “Building a mini ramp is a great solution for a lot of skaters, but it’s not for everyone. I recommend a steady routine of going to the skatepark at seven in the morning before any kids get there, and never ollieing down anything you can’t ollie up.”

Balderaz was further discouraged last night when he realized he didn’t recognize the name of anyone awarded Thrasher’s “Skater of the Year” for the last 10 years.

Man Tricked into Skincare by Wolf on Package

Posted on October 21, 2019 by Mark Bouchard

CAMDEN, N. J. — Self-described “gym rat and free speech activist” Eddie Massari learned today that the product he’d been applying to his face for months was merely cleansing his skin, and not caffeinating him after a workout and “augmenting his pump” as he originally believed.

“I picked up PRIMAL Rejuvenating Coffee Scrub because I needed a quick pick-me-up after my morning workout,” said Massari in a YouTube video filmed inside his car. “The crash from energy drinks isn’t worth it, and tea is for girls. I figured this’d be a good way of getting caffeine without upsetting my stomach. But all it did was ‘clear my pores.’ What does that even mean?”

“I mean, there was a wolf on the bottle with the words, ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!’ in big letters on the back,” he added. “What the fuck was I supposed to think?”

Massari first discovered the intricate web of lies when his co-worker noted the bottle of PRIMAL sticking out of his gym bag and shattered his preconceptions of the product.

“All I did was mention that my boyfriend uses it for his acne, and he freaked out,” said unwitting sage Mira Woodall. “Later, someone on our team told him to watch ‘Queer Eye,’ and he mumbled something about his eyes being ‘straight’ and stomped off to his car. I’m pretty sure he’s still out there eating protein bars.”

Despite plateauing at 62 views, the video of Massari’s rant was seen by the P.R. department of ActiveHealth, PRIMAL’s parent company, who did not seem concerned.

“This happens more often than you’d think: a confused young man called in last week to ask why our product Mouth Punch didn’t soothe his raw knuckles,” recalled ActiveHealth marketing representative Tisha Herrera. “Apparently, he was using it after boxing… but Mouth Punch is our toothpaste.”

“The only way these guys’ll buy any of this stuff is if we call it ‘Minotaur’ or ‘Meat Eater’ or something, and make up some flavor like ‘extreme aspen,’” Herrera added. “Otherwise, they’re just gonna use 3-in-1 shampoo/bodywash/conditioner and call it a day… which is almost too unfortunate to comprehend.”

Massari has since stopped using PRIMAL, taking action to raise awareness of the importance of clearly labeled consumable products. Allegedly, he has thus far “tweeted at Joe Rogan like, six times,” because Massari believes his constitutional rights have been violated, and Rogan is the only one he trusts to “do something about it.”

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