CHICAGO — Your friend from out of town is gearing up for a real whirlwind of activities this weekend, and emailed earlier today to let you know he has a full itinerary of places where he wants to blackout while staying with you.
“I’ve been planning this trip for months, and I was finally able to get the time off work, so I’m really looking forward to seeing all the dopest spots around,” said your friend, who will spend the next several days being shit-faced drunk and belligerent at some of the best local bars, pubs, and house shows in your town. “It looks like there’s a whole bunch of new places since the last time I was here, too, so we should definitely check those out first after I drop my bags off at your place so we can get right to it. There’s just so much to see.”
Previous visit history suggests that your friend, who worked extra hours at his job to save up for this trip, will spend the majority of the weekend violently hungover and miserable at some of the coolest attractions your city has to offer.
“I saw that Pistol Whip is playing at The Hangar on Saturday night, so we should definitely go to that, too,” said the man who will have zero recollection of getting thrown out of the venue for throwing his shoe onstage and kicking a bouncer in the nuts just before misplacing his phone after calling his ex-girlfriend from the back of an Uber, crying, to yell at her about how much he’s changed. “I’m just stoked to be here.”
Expert witnesses could not confirm with certainty, however, whether the visitor in question would die from alcohol poisoning or simply from getting his ass kicked at a bar.
“It’s hard to say, really,” said local woman Allie DeSaluniers. “That guy just sucks so hard.”
At press time, your guest was oscillating between vehemently denying and profusely apologizing for pissing in your oven.