Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Aging Punk Increases Weight Loss Regimen to Two Packs of Cigarettes a Day

Posted on January 27, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15 to 20 pounds before the start of summer.

“I got lazy, there’s no way around it. I’ve been drinking more this winter. And my diet is total shit, so I really packed on the pounds. I just want to make sure I look O.K. when I take my shirt off at shows when it gets too hot,” said Landers while inspecting his gut in a broken mirror on the sidewalk. “To smoke as much as I need to, I’ll have to be disciplined — I gotta force myself to wake up early every morning and crank out a couple reps before my coffee, and dedicate at least an hour after my shift at the co-op to chainsmoke to really see results.”

However, friends of Landers’ are skeptical of his weight loss plan, largely because of his tendency to buy into punk dieting fads.

“Peanut has always been very self-conscious about his body. I think a lot of people look at the ‘heroin chic’ physique of Sid Vicious and think that’s what all punks should look like, but punks come in all shapes and sizes,” said longtime friend Davina Patel. “I remember a few years back, Peanut lost a lot of weight when he got hooked on this very fucked-up trucker speed you definitely can’t buy at the gas station anymore. But he put all the weight right back on as soon as his cat died — he just ate all his feelings.”

Fortunately, punk doctors believe Landers method is the best for him, given the circumstances.

“Smoking obviously has its drawbacks: yes, it’s been linked to cancer, but most punks expect to die way before cancer is an issue. Plus, when you smoke you look cool — that’s just a fact,” said Carson City Backyard Doctor College graduate Toby “Fishmouth” Aspinall. “If you’re going to smoke to lose weight, you need to make sure you only smoke healthy cigarettes, like American Spirits or cloves. You’ll also need to replace most of your meals with smoking, so for the best results, really try to limit your calorie intake to two or three bags of Skittles per day.”

In pursuit of his weight loss goals, Landers also plans to assuage his rampant alcoholism with only “low calorie booze,” like cheap red wine stolen from Trader Joe’s.

“Best Alternative Music Album” Grammy Winner Somehow Produced by A24

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — The winner of the “Best Alternative Music Album” at the 62nd Annual Grammy Awards was allegedly produced by acclaimed independent entertainment company A24, surprised viewers reported.

“I have the album on vinyl and had no idea it was an A24 release, but there it was in the liner notes: ‘From the people that brought you ‘The Witch,’” casual Grammy viewer Stephen Parsing said. “When I saw that, I finally used the digital download code that came with the record — which not only got me a zip file of the album, but also a 35-minute video of some dude explaining the ending of ‘Midsommar.’ That clip gave me some great conversation nuggets to use on girls at parties to sound high-brow.”

A24 representatives were excited for the win, yet shocked to have been recognized on such a stage.

“We’ve been so busy creating content that mostly goes unnoticed by the elites that this one caught us by surprise,” A24 producer Rebekah Boots said. “It’s a numbers game for us. In 2019, we put out over 20 films, a whole bunch of TV shows and albums, and started to branch out into other areas. This coming year, look for several of our new A24-produced podcasts — all of which will feature different variations of Robert Pattinson brooding into a microphone.”

Grammy judges, initially hesitant to award the company, proved to have ulterior motives.

“We generally try to cater to people whose taste in music hasn’t evolved since freshman year of high school… you know, just like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” Grammy Awards judge Max Lampen noted. “If we had it our way, Taylor Swift and Beyonce would win every category each year, including Best Metal Performance — whatever it takes to get our target audience to engage, so they can boost ratings and increase ad revenue. However, the outrage after the Oscars snubbed A24 this year left the door wide open for us to swoop in and grab that coveted movie-going age 25-35 demographic. ‘Uncut Gems’ was pretty dope, too.”

A24 announced it will also produce the next Ariana Grande album, which will have a deeply unsettling tone and be released only in select Best Buy locations.

Shots of Paper Into Trash Can Now to be Met with Moment of Silence

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Matthew Keplinger

LOS ANGELES — The traditional office space callout of “Kobe” when shooting a wadded up ball of paper into a waste basket will now be replaced with a moment of silence following the tragic death of NBA all-star, Kobe Bryant, earlier today.

“Crinkling up old expense reports into a ball and yelling out ‘Kobe’ as I tossed them over that one part of the table in the reception area was the closest I have ever, and probably will ever come to doing anything remotely athletic in my entire life,” said local data entry clerk, Danny Brooks. “But now, when I miss 100% of the shots I attempt to make into the trash can while I’m avoiding work, it’s just not gonna be the same. I’ll be sure to take a moment to respect one of the greatest to ever play the game.”

At press time, Brooks assured those around him that the last 20 shots he made “didn’t count” as “the wind must have carried it, or something.”

Poser Lesbian Doesn’t Even Know What Her Moon Sign Is

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Shea Strauss

CLEVELAND — Local woman and total poser Brandi Herrera could not recall her moon sign yesterday when asked, despite her identifying as a lesbian, according to several very skeptical sources.

“When she said she didn’t know what her moon sign was, my world stopped. I mean, this is literally impossible,” said Herrera’s girlfriend Rebecca Barclay, still reeling from the discovery. “We’ve dated for the past four months, so this news is heartbreaking. I thought she was my person… but it was all some sort of sick charade, I guess. Was she just faking her enthusiasm for Harry Styles, too? Can she even name three characters on ‘The L Word?’ Did her beanie mean nothing?”

So-called “lesbian” Herrera was quick to defend her LGBTQ+ scene credibility.

“It just temporarily slipped my mind, okay?” Herrera claimed while frantically trying to download the Co-Star app onto her phone. “When my girlfriend asked for my moon sign, yeah, I blanked — but it doesn’t change who I am at all, which is a Virgo, an INTP, and a proud foster mom to three pugs. That much I know.”

“I’m a tender, communicative switch. I’ve been out since middle school. I have an asymmetrical undercut. Do you even know what Lex is?” she added in a desperate attempt to save face.

Herrera’s family and friends were both shocked and upset by the news.

“How am I going to look my barista in the eye — you know, the one with the short hair — and tell her my daughter is actually straight?” said Herrera’s mother Sandra Caplan while sadly folding up her “I Love My Gay Daughter” sweatshirt. “All my liberal cred just went out the window. It’ll take me days to figure out how to change my Facebook profile photo back from the rainbow flag version. Now I’ll have to find some other excuse to support Pete Buttigieg.”

When asked for a statement on Herrera’s situation, a spokesperson from GLAAD declined to comment on “that fake-ass wannabe.”

Friends Tearfully Loot Gamer’s Corpse at Funeral to Pay Respects

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — Friends of deceased gamer Paul Wesley came together yesterday evening for an open-casket viewing at Adam’s Funeral Home, where they shared stories about the deceased, comforted one another, and rummaged around the corpse for any valuable items.

“It was very bittersweet. I am really going to miss Paul,” said friend and gamer Gary Carson. “But he isn’t really going to need this necktie once he’s buried and it is going to give me +3 Charisma, which I need for an upcoming job interview.”

“F,” said another friend, Steven Maron, wiping away tears.

While many gamers saw this ritual as a way to honor the deceased, other attendees at the funeral were shocked at the sight. Several reportedly became nauseous as the gamers ripped the padding out of the casket in an effort to “reduce damage from melee attacks.”

“They descended on the casket like vultures,” said Wesley’s grieving aunt Paula Whitbrook. “One person yanked off Paul’s shoes and said something about dodge rate. Another stole the cufflinks Paul’s grandfather gave him and shouted about how they will increase his critical hit chance.”

Witnesses say that Wesley’s parents had to be ushered out of the room at the sight of their dead son being stripped essentially naked. Experts on gaming culture, however, suggest that this rite is not only appropriate but also cathartic.

“From the outside I can see how this ceremony could seem off putting,” gamer anthropologist Dr. Dane Fenton explained. “But to gamers, they are honoring Mr. Wesley’s life by taking his accumulated wealth for their own use. It is their way of keeping him alive.”

While his friends did loot Wesley’s corpse, they also honored his wishes and saw that he was buried with his Nintendo Switch, so that his little brother Joey couldn’t get his hands on it.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Interview a Fucking Meme

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Dan Rice

Well, here we are, I hope you’re happy you sick fucks. It’s come to this. Jesus fucking Christ.

We landed an exclusive interview with that meme of the crying lady and the cat because you are all the absolute worst. Don’t try to put this on us. This is your fault. Every single one of your lame-ass posts brought us closer to this moment. Culture as we know it is dead. We hope it was worth it.

Hard Times: Ugh. Well here we are doing the interview and you’re a fucking god damned meme and I went to journalism school for this. Cool, here we go.

Yelling woman: You’re not taking this assignment seriously!
Cat: Journalism was dead when you were still in high school.

HT: Well that’s true. So how did you guys get your start?

Yelling woman: I was on a reality TV show!
Cat: I went to a restaurant.

HT: Amazing. And what made you decide to team up?

Yelling woman: His snide glare draws a circle around my dismissable histrionic bullshit!
Cat: It’s true.

HT: What’s is like to be the same joke written a billion different ways ad nauseam by mouth breathers on the internet?

Yelling woman: Stop hating us for our success!
Cat: It sort of like writing the same “Punk Doesn’t Give a Fuck” headline again and again.

HT: Ha, you got me there! You know I’m coming around on you, cat.

Yelling woman: I’m tired of him always being the favorite!
Cat: OK Boomer.

HT: Still, it must be frustrating to be so amorphous. One second you’re mocking the yelling woman for entitlement or belief in capitalism, then a few scrolls later you’re calling her a snowflake for her liberal gender politics. Isn’t it frustrating to be written by literally any moron?

Yelling woman: Stop hating on memes just because you don’t like them!
Cat: Yeah, all we did was invade every facet of your media and force you to look at us every day for the rest of your life!

HT: Okay, so if I’ve had enough of you my options are… don’t go on the internet.

Yelling woman: Meme culture never hurt anyone!
Cat: Yeah, it’s not like a reality television star got elected president or anything.

HT: Do you worry about becoming irrelevant? Baby Yoda seems to be what’s hot now.

Yelling woman: That little fucker better stay in his lane!
Cat with Vader helmet crudely photoshopped on: The lame is strong with that one

Well that was an absolute blast. Check back next week when we interview internet phenomenon:

“Everyone:

Literally Everyone:

Me:”

Only Friend With Credit Card Tired of Being Asked for Financial Advice

Posted on January 26, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local woman Connie Walters is fed up with all of her friends constantly asking for financial advice, based solely on the fact that she’s the only one in the group with a credit card, sources hoping to borrow $20 to get through the week confirmed.

“I’m not some guru when it comes to my money… but every day, I get multiple texts from friends asking about how they should start planning for their future,” said Walters. “Some ask me what stocks they should be investing in; others ask how to set up a Roth IRA. I just happen to have savings and checking accounts that my parents set up for me 10 years ago. Add in one credit card from Bank of America that has a $500 limit and a 56% interest rate, and suddenly, I’m Suze Orman.”

Friends of Walters believe she is downplaying her knowledge to appear more modest.

“Connie is basically a superhero when it comes to all this shit. I asked her to help me with taxes last year, and she told me, ‘I’m pretty sure since you don’t have a job, you don’t have to pay taxes,’ which is like, unbelievably helpful,” said longtime friend John Sullivan. “Landlords don’t laugh in her face when she fills out a lease, and I want that. I’ve tried to follow her lead — I keep applying for pre-approved credit cards, but I always get a letter back reading that it would be ‘grossly irresponsible’ for any bank to give me a line of credit. I’m hoping Connie might be able to call Wall Street for me and put in a good word and let them know I’m good for it. I got almost half of my last pet deposit back, so it should be cool.”

Financial advisors across the country confirm that this is a growing issue, as more and more young people find it harder to plan their futures.

“To put it lightly, the sad truth is that this new generation of consumers is completely fucked,” said CPA Gavin Arnold. “If you don’t have parents who can help pay for a car or pay your way through school, then enjoy being overwhelmed by debt, forever. So many young people are so broke, they don’t even have access to the institutions designed to fuck them even further… but maybe that’s a blessing.”

Proving her financial savvy, Walters further impressed friends by financing a $4,500 used car, which is expected to be paid off in 2032.

I Attempt Sober January Because That Judge Said I Have To

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Tim Nash

Look, I get it: January is a time for fresh beginnings, exciting challenges, and character building; a time to evaluate the person you have been for the past 12 months and decide if this is the best possible version of yourself to put forward in the future. “New Year, New You” is the common mantra spouted by social media influencers and soccer moms alike.

I just think it’s really lame that Judge Parsons thinks I need to quit drinking for the entire month of January and hang out in some church basement once a week to discuss my feelings.

Let’s be real for a moment: these fad diets and trendy workout regimens all fade within a couple of weeks, and always end up being a complete waste. Almost as wasted as I was on New Year’s Eve when I rode my neighbor’s great dane through the McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered a burrito.

Relax, it’s not like I hurt anybody. So what if my neighbor’s dog was a corgi? And if that McDonald’s was actually a 24 hour pharmacy? So what if I ran out of there with a handful of Percocet screaming about socialized medicine and tried to fight off the paramedics with a Slim Jim? I was feeling social, and I wanted medicine. I swear, I was going to share.

I’ve gotta say, sobriety was pretty weird those first few days, and it certainly wasn’t easy. I yelled at my roommate for leaving the cap off the toothpaste one day before I realized that was just the bathroom mirror, and I live alone. But to be honest, it’s opened up a few doors for me. This is the first time in years I’ve been awake for breakfast, and I forgot how much I liked breakfast! It’s amazing what a stomach full of food will do for you first thing in the morning, I’ve never felt more energized and ready to take on the day.

I definitely thought I was going to hate sober January, and I never dreamed I would make it all the way through but I actually learned a lot about myself and made some meaningful improvements to my life. I’ve reconnected with my estranged family, I’m being eyed for a promotion at work, and I can’t remember a time I’ve ever felt better. It’s almost a shame it has to end on February 1st.

Death Grips Fan Sick of Tattoo Artists Telling Him They Won’t Write That on There

Posted on January 26, 2020 by Aidan Sears

SEATTLE — Local dishwasher Freddie Young is frustrated by his inability to find an artist willing to tattoo Death Grips lyrics anywhere on his body, inked-up sources confirm.

“This is the kind of bullshit anyone with tattoos is used to,” Young said with an aggressively guttural vocal effect. “They try to convince you that when you’re older, you’ll regret having an opaque rap reference permanently needled where anyone can read it. It’s one thing to hear it from your family, your girlfriend, your boss, your drug dealer, or your parole officer — it’s another thing to hear it from 34 consecutive tattoo artists over an eight-month period. It’s tiring. It makes me want to go have a sad cum.”

According to sources within the Seattle tattoo community, the artists’ refusal to accommodate the harsh, experimental tattoo has less to do with doubts of commitment and more to do with personal boundaries.

“I never turn down a job. I’ve done gang signs, swastikas, QAnon stuff, weird anime shit, you name it — hell, I’ll tattoo someone’s name on your neck after a first date. But doing a fucking Death Grips tattoo is against everything I stand for as a human,” said local tattooer Damien Carwin. “Just thinking about having to make the stencil and spending time writing out that group’s lyrics makes me nauseous and gives me a headache. Sorry, buddy. Get a friend to stick-and-poke that atrocity on you.”

Indeed, other Death Grips fans confirmed similar refusals.

“As one of the oldest Death Grips fans around, I’ve seen this story countless times,” said Alan Bostick, 29. “Ambitious fans try and try to show their devotion to the world’s most raw hip hop group of all time, only to be denied by the tat establishment. They’ll fight the good fight for a little bit until giving up and settling for another eyebrow or nipple ring. I hate to see it.”

Compounding his frustration, Young claimed that no insurance company will cover his 1994 Acura Integra until he removes the dozens of Death Grips decals from the car’s bumper.

Adorable Punk Twitching in His Sleep Must be Dreaming He’s Running from Cops

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A fuzzy little punk roommate known only as “Banjo” twitched adorably in his sleep yesterday, presumably dreaming that he was running away from the cops, sources with newly warmed hearts confirmed.

“Banjo is a very good roommate. Yes he is. Yes he is! He is such a good roommate,” said Zach Robertson in a low whisper as to not disturb the cute display. “Last night he lapped up about seven or eight tequila shots, so we let him run around in the backyard awhile, but then the poor little fella passed out on the rug and started twitching a lot. We figured he was either having an adorable little dream about running from the cops, or he had alcohol poisoning. Luckily it was the former.”

Fellow roommate John Franco explained how Banjo found his “forever home.”

“Banjo was at a shelter before moving in with us. The volunteers told us he’s not a family roommate, and he’s not good with kids, cops, or Republicans, but we decided to give him a chance anyway,” said Franco, dangling a bag of THC-infused gummy bears in front of a patiently waiting Banjo. “And he’s been great… just so long as he gets plenty of exercise and the occasional treat.”

However, behavior specialist Charlotte Medina disputed the common misconception that sleeping punks are necessarily dreaming of evading police.

“In reality, he may be dreaming about evading mall security, or pushing through a crowded venue to make it to the bathroom in time,” explained Medina. “The punk breed unfortunately has a very negative reputation, but they can actually be excellent, loving roommates. The key is to establish dominance early — for instance, I always recommend eating first to show you are the alpha, and never feeding your punk food scraps from the table.”

When reached for comment, Banjo disagreed with his roommate’s “unfair” and “grossly exaggerated” characterization of him.

“Despite what my roommates said, I’m actually a very articulate and intelligent human being. I even graduated top of my class in high school,” Banjo said before pissing on a tree and humping the leg of a passerby.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News