Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Review: This Super Mario Plush Toy Could Never Beat Having a Real Plumber Live In Your House

Posted on January 28, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

The other day while walking through the toy section at Target, I saw a little plush toy of the iconic Super Mario. I love Mario, so I bought the toy thinking it would be a nice decoration and a great real-world reminder of my favorite video game character. However, I’m sad to say this plushie fell far below expectations, and turned out to be pretty downright subpar compared to the idea of having a real plumber live in my bedroom.

First off, I should point out that the doll is officially licensed by Nintendo, and, to their credit, looks exactly like Mario from the games. Outside of that basic accomplishment, the toy completely fails to capture Mario’s expertise of plumbing — something he is canonically very good at and allegedly makes a living from. When I had to snake the drain in my bathtub last week, seeing the stuffed facsimile of a plumber did nothing to reassure me about the task at hand. Instead, it only made me yearn for a real life live-in plumber who could dispense advice about fixing my shower and also be my friend.

The manufacturers clearly ignored obvious solutions to these shortcomings of their product. A simple button-activated voice box with helpful facts about what drain cleaners to use or how to increase my hot water pressure would bring a rich dimension of realism to the Mario toy that we hardly ever get to see in the games. He could even have motorized joints, making him a useful plunging implement that could work on most standard toilets. Unfortunately, the demands of hardcore Mario fans have fallen on deaf ears as the merchandising team at Nintendo has failed us once more.

With its use of decent fabric, good craftsmanship and stitch work, the Mario plushie I found at Target is certainly a successful children’s toy. But despite Nintendo’s best efforts, there are simply some human emotions that can’t be captured by games or toys, and the long term company of a good, honest plumber is certainly one of them.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Who’s Never Won a Fight Really Hopes You Don’t Agree to “Take This Outside”

Posted on January 28, 2020 by James Knapp

SEATTLE — Local man Evan Sobitski is terrified at the moment that he’s about to get in an actual, physical fight after challenging a stranger to “take this outside” and fight him, anxious sources pretending to hold him back confirmed.

“I hope that guy doesn’t think I was serious about trying to fight him. Yeah, I definitely called him a ‘little diaper boy with a glass jaw,’ but I was just trying not to look like a wimp in front of my friends,” said Sobitski, visibly quaking in his Converse All-Stars. “The only fight I ever won was in middle school when I pushed over a kid who was on crutches, and I still apologized, so I don’t think that counts.”

Potential antagonist Jeff Reed was less than impressed by Sobitski’s tactless approach to the almost certainly not-gonna-happen fight.

“It wasn’t a big deal; I knocked over his drink by accident. I offered to buy him a new one, but he went off calling me a ‘dumb jock,’ ‘shit pants’, and ‘ass breath.’ Then he punched his chest and asked if I thought I could take him,” said Reed. “I’m really not a violent person, but if he’s acting like a dick, we can always head out to the alley and just put an end to it. At this point, I’d love to knock the shit out of him… but I told my wife I’d be on my best behavior.”

Longtime venue bouncer Devon Craft was unsurprised by another episode of a patron “having eyes bigger than their biceps.”

“Unfortunately, I see this a lot. Some idiot with the build of a person who spent most of their life in an iron lung tries to start some shit, and then I’m the one who has to mop up the blood and teeth,” Craft bemoaned. “Usually everything resolves itself when the dumbass realizes they’re in over their head… but still, I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to pull some scrawny punk out from under some drunk frat guy who got called a pussy for listening to Jack Johnson. It just makes this job that much harder.”

At press time, Sobitski “doubled down” on his threat, claiming to have a black belt belt in jiu-jitsu before attempting a spin kick that somehow resulted in him knee-striking his own groin.

We Gave One Million Monkeys a Million Typewriters and These Are the Guttermouth Songs They Wrote

Posted on January 28, 2020 by James Knapp

We here at The Hard Times have always been fascinated with the thought experiment that if you give a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it will eventually type all the greatest works of literature by randomly hitting keys. We wanted to try this experiment ourselves but, unfortunately, we don’t have an infinite amount of time. Fortunately, with the help of an unnamed Chechnian benefactor, we do have a million colobus monkeys and a million recycled typewriters. A month later we analyzed our results. Here are the Guttermouth songs that they wrote:

Lipstick – A solid classic from Guttermouth’s catalog. Was this the result of pure chance or did one of these monkeys just really hate their mom? We asked the monkey that produced the word-for-word lyrical copy, but he just threw his feces at us.

Can I Borrow Some Ambition? – We’re actually pretty surprised the monkeys were able to knock this one out. Not that Guttermouth was ever really known for their lyrical complexity, but as far as smashing a monkey’s paw against a keyboard goes they may as well have written “The Divine Comedy” here.

My Girlfriend – Seriously?! You dumb goddamn monkeys wrote something off “Gusto.” That album is a hacky snark-pop abortion and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Get back to work!

The Dreaded Sea Lice Have Come Abroad – Oh, shit. The monkeys got a deep cut in the mix. We knew they weren’t no posers. Respect, monkeys. Respect.

Teri Yakimoto – Damn straight! Write the fucking hits. We expected only pre-2002 Guttermouth from a bunch of flea-ridden primates arbitrarily hitting keys. Seriously, if you motherfuckers write one line off of Shave the Planet we’ll ship you all straight back to the Amazon warehouse we bought you from.

Conclusions – From our experiment we learned that it is possible for a bunch of monkeys randomly smashing keyboards to write semi-coherent, offensive, and kinda right wing punk lyrics. This experiment begs the question, is it possible that this is how the band themselves wrote their songs? We asked Guttermouth lead singer, Mark Adkins, but he just threw his feces at us.

23andMe Test Reveals Wes Borland Actually Member of Mudvayne

Posted on January 28, 2020 by Peter Woods

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Wes Borland, the assumed longtime guitarist of nü-metal band Limp Bizkit, was found to be a member of Mudvayne last week thanks to a genomic DNA test from 23andMe.

“So much of my identity comes from my place in this band — I know I was the only one who’d ever dress up like a weirdo and put on facepaint while everyone else just wore baggy shorts and hoodies, but I never thought anything of it. They always accepted me as one of their own,” said Borland upon seeing the results. “If I’m not ‘Wes Borland, guitarist of Limp Bizkit,’ then who am I? I might as well be some random guy named, like, Mark Smith or something. I feel like I wasted so many years of my life.”

“Am I actually just ‘Wes Borland of Big Dumb Face?’” added Borland. “I don’t think I like that.”

The results shocked other members of Limp Bizkit as well.

“Um, yeah… we’re pretty surprised by the announcement. It’s definitely, uh, news to us,” stammered vocalist Fred Durst while quickly looking around the room. “We were all absolutely sure he was a member of our band since its inception, and he definitely wasn’t secretly adopted or anything, so don’t ask.”

“Is it hot in here?” added Durst before coughing very loudly and pushing a manilla folder labelled “BORLAND” into a paper shredder.

For their part, the members of Mudvayne seemed excited by the news.

“I’m pumped to have a new guitar buddy!” said guitarist Greg Tribbet, showing off his bedroom in Mudvayne’s duplex. “See? I even turned my bed into a bunk bed, so he can sleep in my room! But I call dibs on the top bunk, and all the guitar solos.”

Following Borland’s revelation, musicians worldwide are allegedly seeking to verify the lineage of their bands. In fact, 23andMe representatives claim the company has received over 25 letters from Pantera bassist Rex Brown alone, asking if there is “any chance that Phil [Anselmo] is someone else’s problem.”

Kojima and Konami Reunite for Exclusive ‘Death Stranding’ Pachinko Machine

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Jon Ruggiero

TOKYO — Konami has announced a surprise partnership with renowned video game designer Hideo Kojima, confirming this morning that the video game company would be releasing a new Death Stranding pachinko cabinet this year.

“Initially, we were concerned that Kojima-san would rebuke our design, as he has publicly distanced himself from Konami in the past,” explained Katsunori Okita, president of Konami Amusements Co. “But once we explained that we have nothing to do with those idiots in the gaming division, and that we wanted to put his name on at least six parts of the machine, he seemed on-board.”

Konami reportedly showed Kojima a prototype pachinko cabinet when pitching the project, but the famous game developer took it upon himself to implement new features into the machine, meant to help bridge the worlds of Death Stranding and pachinko.

“I wanted to make a connection to the life-saving beverage in the video game, so all of the pachinko balls are made from recycled Monster Energy cans,” said Kojima, whose design reportedly increased total production costs by roughly $50 million. “Each game is bookended by a five minute conversation from Die-Hardman, Amelie, and other members of the Bridges crew (usually about how bridges can be built from small metal balls). Also, all pachinko ball winnings must be carried on the player’s back while transporting them.”

While sources claim there was initial conflict between the company and designer, Kojima ultimately won the executives over with his innovative choices.

“Though a few of Kojima-san’s ideas were unusual, we knew we had a hit when he gave us the urinal design,” said Okita of the collapsable toilet at the base of each Death Stranding cabinet, an industry first. “We’re not sure what the urine is used for, but we’re excited to have this innovation so that pachinko players never have to leave their seat!”

As a bonus, Konami has hinted that pachinko parlors who order the game will receive an exclusive prize: stuffed animal versions of Death Stranding’s terrifying Shark-Squid.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

63-Year-Old Punk Can’t Believe You Haven’t Heard of Obscure Local Band Who Broke Up in 1981

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Krissy Howard

CARSON CITY, Nev. — 63-year-old punk Ardith “Ardie” Keith cannot believe you haven’t heard of obscure local band Frankie and The Pussies, who broke up in 1981 just three years before you were born, according to sources also unfamiliar with the band.

“Man, these kids don’t know shit about anything… it’s like they think this scene was just built overnight or something, and all punk started with Green Day,” a visibly irritated Keith stated. “Do they think the Carson City scene would’ve had Gary Anger in ‘86 if Shutdown Bastards wasn’t there to pave the way in ‘84? And those six glorious months that The Titty Fux were around — do you mean to tell me that all three lineup changes and the one divorce was for nothing? Ungrateful poser assholes.”

Current scene members were allegedly schooled by Keith through a near-constant subjection to trivia about bands who were around for four months, over 38 years ago.

“Listen, I love coming out and seeing Ardie at shows — dude has the best stories, and he always buys me a Sprite since I quit drinking. But that man will not shut the fuck up about some old-ass band no one under 40 could have possibly heard of, every single time I talk to him,” said local punk Celina Corrales. “It’s great hearing about what the scene was like, but it seems like all of them just sounded like some shittier version of The Germs. And to be honest, I don’t even feel comfortable repeating some of the names of these bands out loud.”

Self-proclaimed scene historian Molly “Retch” Cecil explained that Keith is not alone in his frustration.

“If I’ve seen this happen once, I’ve seen it a hundred times,” Cecil said. “The problem is, most of the bands that were the true pioneers of the scene never actually got around to recording any music. We had the Geriatrictards that were our answer to Black Flag for the 75 days they were around… not to mention The Trouble Boys, or even Dirty Dicks. It’s like this whole city was taken over by posers.”

At press time, Keith was wondering if you ever went by “Fat” Jerry Nowak’s garage to skim through old records in 1993.

True Ally! This Male Feminist Is the Loudest at Today’s Women’s March

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Shea Strauss

Local hero and feminist icon Rafael Moran showed up today at the Women’s March to speak out against the patriarchy, and speak out he did! In the spirit of the march, he made sure his voice was heard. Loudly.

So loudly, in fact, that you couldn’t even hear anyone else. What an ally!

He let everyone know just how big of ally he is to all women by bringing his own megaphone to chant “I’m with her!” while pointing out people within the crowd, only misgendering a few dozen marchers. He also led other popular chants such as “My body, my choice” and “This pussy grabs back!”

Moran’s enthusiasm extended to his protest sign (the biggest at the march) that read, “Marry me, AOC?” and included his Instagram handle. He even carried a Ring Pop in case she happened to make an appearance.

Unfortunately the Bronx-based representative did not show, but what a romantic gesture! Watch out, Riley Roberts!

Moran was generous enough to use his time, knowledge, and women’s studies minor to explain Roxane Gay’s theory of feminism to a few women marching alongside him. In a fortuitous twist of fate, one of the women happened to be Roxane Gay herself!

Coincidence, or is God a woman shining on Moran?

He raised morale by complimenting several women on their bodies regardless of their shape or weight. Several people were moved to tears by his words of encouragement to “Use those beautiful, thick legs to trample the patriarchy!” One woman even attempted to hug his neck with her hands when he told her, “Those giant tits will feed a whole family, if you so choose to have kids! Your choice!” A man who respects agency? Sign me up!

We stan a body positive, pro-choice legend!

When a fight broke out between participants and men’s rights counterprotestors, Moran bravely decried that it was not his place to interfere. Way to stay in your lane, Raf!

Moran is an inspiration to all young men who have felt like outsiders in supporting women’s rights. We tip our pussy hats to feminist icon Rafael Moran!

Line to Dog Heaven Backed Up Until Dog St. Peter Finishes Licking Own Balls

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Krissy Howard

DOG HEAVEN — Several dogs awaiting entry into the big, grassy field in the sky are being forced to wait patiently until Dog St. Peter stops licking his own balls long enough to allow them to pass through the pearly gates, frustrated sources confirmed.

“One minute I’m in that terrible doctor’s office and all my people are there crying and telling me I’m a good girl, and next thing I know, I’m staring at some Doberman’s asshole in the back of a line that’s not moving a fucking single inch,” said recently departed pit bull terrier, Weegee. “If I wanted to sit around and watch some guy play with his dick for 25 minutes, I’d go back down there and awkwardly stare at my person while he took a shower, like I did all those hundreds of other times.”

Fellow canines waiting in the line noted several inconveniences backing up their entry into heaven.

“The ball-licking was offensive enough, but once he started dragging his butt all over the welcome mat I had to avert my eyes,” said Pancho, a husky mix. “I don’t even know why he bothered wearing that robe.”

However, Dog St. Peter defended his actions.

“Listen, I know better than anyone that if there’s one thing dogs don’t like, it’s waiting to be let through doors. But it’s not like anyone here really has anywhere to be,” Dog St. Peter explained. “There are literally an eternity’s worth of tennis balls to chase and children’s stuffed animals to hump. Everyone’s gonna get in eventually, so these bitches need to calm down and just shut up.”

“And it’s not offensive if I say that, either,” he added. “My mom was a bitch, and so were all six of my sisters.”

In related news, the line to kitty heaven was in the midst of a 45-minute standstill as Cat St. Peter repeatedly knocked his clipboard with a list of names off of the check-in station’s counter.

New Spencer’s Gifts Policy Requires Adults Be Accompanied by a 13-Year-Old

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Neil Floyd

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — In a sweeping policy change, popular mall retailer Spencer Gifts announced today all shoppers at their signature Spencer’s stores over the age of 18 must be accompanied by a 13-year-old.

“It’s a common sense decision meant to protect our most vulnerable guests,” said Spencer Gifts CEO Steven Silverstein. “Unaccompanied adults wander into our retail locations all the time. While we’re happy to provide remote-controlled fart machines and poop emoji flasks to our community’s youth, no legal adult should be browsing our stores. Therefore, it’s imperative we take proactive steps as a corporation to prevent any grown man from having access to novelty Deadpool wallet chains or testicle-shaped stress balls.”

“Requiring all adults to be with a 13-year-old, the only person who should be purchasing a Dark Side of the Moon incense burner, will keep all of our shoppers safe,” he added, sipping Diet Coke from a pink penis straw.

While retail analysts have commended the new policy, the backlash from some adult customers has been fierce. The Cherry Hill Mall Spencer’s location was locked down by police after a group of fans burned their “Fuck me I’m Irish” shirts in protest.

“It’s not fair, I’m a grown man,” said Spencer’s shopper and protestor George Riley. “I pay my taxes and work forty hours a week, I should be allowed to make an awkward joke about an officially licensed Borat mankini to female cashiers in peace. This new policy is age discrimination, pure and simple. Where else can I loiter, loudly laugh at the ‘Adios Bitchachos’ T-shirts, and then leave without buying anything? Where else am I supposed to buy the dried sage I crush up and sell to teenagers as weed behind the movie theater?”

“If you think I’m dragging my annoying thirteen-year-old cousin to the mall to get my supply of Freddy Krueger-pot leaf shot glasses, you’re dead wrong,” he continued. “I’m never shopping at Spencer’s again.”

Spencer Gifts has additionally announced another controversial new policy, which requires job applicants to fail a drug test before being considered for employment.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

I Feel Like I Should Review “The Soft Bulletin” Again Now That I Don’t Do Drugs

Posted on January 27, 2020 by Jay Chanoine

I love The Flaming Lips and I always will. That will never change regardless of what drugs I’m on. Drugs, like music, open our minds to new perceptions of reality. That’s why after cutting my daily mushroom intake down from “there’s no such thing as leftover shrooms” to “it’s just micro-dosing, please recognize my progress,” I decided I should revisit my favorite Flaming Lips album, “The Soft Bulletin” with the newfound perspective given to me by a lack of drugs.

Unfortunately, that newfound perspective is mostly that the music I used to love actually kinda sucks. Let’s hope this bad boy holds up.

This is a very personal record for me because it represents a specific time in my life. I was young, impressionable, and very, very high. My initial impressions after this sober re-listen isn’t that it’s not good anymore. It’s just missing something. For instance, I remember “Race for the Prize” having more percussion but now I’m realizing it was the sound of my teeth grinding and my jaw popping out of alignment. This version really is missing the full tone that the “coke” remix had. It’s also missing that feeling like I could achieve my wildest dreams.

A few tracks in and I got giddy hearing the opening to “The Spark That Bled.” Except this time I didn’t experience the warm waves of euphoria I usually do when this song comes on. I had to check the lyrics to make sure it was the right song. Same words, same tones, same everything. The only thing missing was the ecstasy. Specifically, the MDMA that usually kicked in around this time in the album. I was so disappointed I stood up and I said ‘nah!’

There were differences I noticed that were welcome. The drawn out tones of “The Observer” were calming to me now where they used to be irritating after six or seventeen lines of cocaine. Then again, this moment in the record was my cue to load up on sedatives and get a nice nod going that would put me in and out of a blissful semi-conscious state for the rest of the album.

For real, if you have a drug problem buy this record.

Like many pieces of art that we loved in our youth but haven’t revisited in some time, “The Soft Bulletin” was not quite what I remembered. It’s still beautiful and moving but the line “what is the light that you have shining all around you” is much less impactful when you don’t see a literal beam of light shooting out of your chest like a coked-up Iron Man.

For those new to the Lips I can’t recommend this one, unfortunately. I can definitely recommend a couple of plugs though, which is why I assume you’re in the first place.

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