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Line to Dog Heaven Backed Up Until Dog St. Peter Finishes Licking Own Balls

DOG HEAVEN — Several dogs awaiting entry into the big, grassy field in the sky are being forced to wait patiently until Dog St. Peter stops licking his own balls long enough to allow them to pass through the pearly gates, frustrated sources confirmed.

“One minute I’m in that terrible doctor’s office and all my people are there crying and telling me I’m a good girl, and next thing I know, I’m staring at some Doberman’s asshole in the back of a line that’s not moving a fucking single inch,” said recently departed pit bull terrier, Weegee. “If I wanted to sit around and watch some guy play with his dick for 25 minutes, I’d go back down there and awkwardly stare at my person while he took a shower, like I did all those hundreds of other times.”

Fellow canines waiting in the line noted several inconveniences backing up their entry into heaven.

“The ball-licking was offensive enough, but once he started dragging his butt all over the welcome mat I had to avert my eyes,” said Pancho, a husky mix. “I don’t even know why he bothered wearing that robe.”

However, Dog St. Peter defended his actions.

“Listen, I know better than anyone that if there’s one thing dogs don’t like, it’s waiting to be let through doors. But it’s not like anyone here really has anywhere to be,” Dog St. Peter explained. “There are literally an eternity’s worth of tennis balls to chase and children’s stuffed animals to hump. Everyone’s gonna get in eventually, so these bitches need to calm down and just shut up.”

“And it’s not offensive if I say that, either,” he added. “My mom was a bitch, and so were all six of my sisters.”

In related news, the line to kitty heaven was in the midst of a 45-minute standstill as Cat St. Peter repeatedly knocked his clipboard with a list of names off of the check-in station’s counter.