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Man Who’s Never Won a Fight Really Hopes You Don’t Agree to “Take This Outside”

SEATTLE — Local man Evan Sobitski is terrified at the moment that he’s about to get in an actual, physical fight after challenging a stranger to “take this outside” and fight him, anxious sources pretending to hold him back confirmed.

“I hope that guy doesn’t think I was serious about trying to fight him. Yeah, I definitely called him a ‘little diaper boy with a glass jaw,’ but I was just trying not to look like a wimp in front of my friends,” said Sobitski, visibly quaking in his Converse All-Stars. “The only fight I ever won was in middle school when I pushed over a kid who was on crutches, and I still apologized, so I don’t think that counts.”

Potential antagonist Jeff Reed was less than impressed by Sobitski’s tactless approach to the almost certainly not-gonna-happen fight.

“It wasn’t a big deal; I knocked over his drink by accident. I offered to buy him a new one, but he went off calling me a ‘dumb jock,’ ‘shit pants’, and ‘ass breath.’ Then he punched his chest and asked if I thought I could take him,” said Reed. “I’m really not a violent person, but if he’s acting like a dick, we can always head out to the alley and just put an end to it. At this point, I’d love to knock the shit out of him… but I told my wife I’d be on my best behavior.”

Longtime venue bouncer Devon Craft was unsurprised by another episode of a patron “having eyes bigger than their biceps.”

“Unfortunately, I see this a lot. Some idiot with the build of a person who spent most of their life in an iron lung tries to start some shit, and then I’m the one who has to mop up the blood and teeth,” Craft bemoaned. “Usually everything resolves itself when the dumbass realizes they’re in over their head… but still, I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to pull some scrawny punk out from under some drunk frat guy who got called a pussy for listening to Jack Johnson. It just makes this job that much harder.”

At press time, Sobitski “doubled down” on his threat, claiming to have a black belt belt in jiu-jitsu before attempting a spin kick that somehow resulted in him knee-striking his own groin.