Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Chandler Dean

GREENVILLE, S.C. — Social media user Katie Orkin was seen mumbling curse words under her breath and clenching her fist in frustration earlier this week as she realized that the shitty-ass video she was trying to watch doesn’t have any goddamn captions.

The limp-dick video, which forces viewers to wrangle their bastard headphones out of their pockets and scroll all the way back to the bumblefuck beginning because it’s a dipshit autoplay situation, caused Orkin some serious goddamn agony while she was trying to distract herself from her dead-end hellworld job.

“Jesus Christ. I don’t know why the assholes who made this insisted that it couldn’t just be a fucking article,” said Orkin, who just wanted to spend a few precious minutes shoveling shitty content in her face without having to dig through her crap to find a pair of crusty-ass earbuds. “Instead it’s some inaccessible horseshit that utilizes the motherfucking Ken Burns effect.”

“And by the fucking way,” Orkin continued, “you can bet that these pendejos didn’t have the cojones to incorporate any pinche subtítulos en español.”

Other traits of the video include multiple inexplicable midroll ads, excruciating fucking VO reading amateur copy, and a general fucking lack of quality ranging from suckiness to shittiness.

An anonymous son-of-a-bitch from the digital media company that produced the video expressed his wussy little bullshit reservations with the asshats in charge.

“The douchebag venture capitalists who bought this company have implemented a clusterfuck of a pivot-to-video,” said the unnamed prick. “Dumbass view-whoring endeavors like these are the shitlicking result.”

The replies to the video included some choice nicknames for the producers of the content, including but not limited to “jizzmongers,” “pubelords,” “taint-ticklers,” “cockswaddlers,” “buttmunchers,” “fuck-bunglers,” “turd-wranglers,” “shit-danglers,” and “herb.”

In light of the backlash, the fuckface media company has decided to return to its original suckass model: slapping ginormous goddamn ads for dick pills on its dogshit clickbait editorial splooge.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: My Artistic Vision for This Music Video Requires That I Make out With a Hot Girl

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Shea Strauss

Look, as the frontman of the band, I am the visionary—and vision—holding this band together. Crusty Vag would just be some instrumental study music if not for my clever lyrics and sultry voice.

It may, to the untrained ear, appear that my song “Fuck the Cheeto” is a political anthem against the President of the Divided States of America. And sure, yes, that’s accurate, but that is why it would be completely subversive for me to star in the single’s music video while I brood around a bed with a crazy hot chick.

Hear me out. What could be more radical in 2020 than me, a somewhat conventionally attractive 34-year-old man, being crazily lusted over by a 19-year-old supermodel?

I’m imagining it like this: I am Michaelangelo’s David (with a bigger dick) and she is the Venus di Milo. And by that I mean, the focus should be on her breasts. We are wrapped half-naked in sheets like those statues always wearing, and we’re rolling around (artistically!) on a bed.

She will kiss my neck while I sing lyrics into the camera. Yes, it will require that the model is shirtless while she (tastefully!) dry humps me because the raw sensuality needs to look real.

I’m only considering the future of the band by wishing to make myself as a sex symbol.

We can cut between quick shots of the band playing too. We need to establish I’m the lead singer and not just some paid actor.

I understand this audition process to find the perfect hot chick with whom I have killer chemistry will be grueling, but I’m never one to shy away from hard work as long as it’s not the boring shit.

The model should have a unique look, like Kat Dennings or Emily Ratajkowski.

Also, if you could not mention this particular artistic vision to my wife, that’d be dope. She may be an art curator, but she just doesn’t get art like me.

Small Town’s Dark Secret Not Nearly Interesting Enough to Tear Community Apart

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Doug Francisco

DANVERS, Wash. — A beloved biscuits and gravy recipe, made famous by the local Triple Five restaurant, is allegedly an exact copy of the one created at the Nickel Diner in nearby East Bend, resulting in little to no drama within the small town, according to sources.

“The news broke at a town hall meeting last Tuesday night: we had nearly eight people in attendance turning in submissions for our park design contest. But in comes a drunken Danny Greene, saying he’s gonna ‘expose us all,’” said Danvers town council Greg Marttinen. “He stumbles up to the front, smelling like piss, yanks the mic away to tell us about the gravy and drops the microphone like he just told us the moon landing was fake.”

While the secret sent mild shockwaves through the community, it failed to cause any material negative impact on anyone’s life, leading merely to a mild sense of disappointment.

“I got a buddy who’s pastor apparently had a secret family,” lifelong Danvers resident Nick Tuominen said. “Someone threw a brick through his window and he was on the next ferry out. You think anyone’s gonna do anything that cool over a cream gravy recipe? There’s not even an illegitimate child involved in that story or anything.”

While many agree with Tuominen, some Danvers residents are having trouble taking the news in stride.

“I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do,” local Shirley Klaussen said. “You grow up thinking you know a thing, you know? That no matter what’s happening in the world, you felt safe knowing the Five was going to be there… and they’re not even serving their biscuits and gravy, but someone else’s? What else have we been lied to about? Next you’re gonna tell me we aren’t actually the bicycle capital of Washington, or that Bucky the Beaver isn’t the largest chainsaw carving west of Montana. I feel sick.”

At press time, the town was discussing taking out a large fire insurance policy on a local VFW hall and researching the best methods for arson.

I Went Down on Dave Coulier in a Theater but You Don’t See Me Writing Songs About It

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Bobby Korec

It’s time to set the record straight. Back in the early 90s, Dave Coulier was an unrelenting whore and everyone in Canada was going down on him in a theater. Including me. It’s just what we did to pass the time during those tenacious winter months. I am still, to this day, amazed Alanis Morissette actually wrote a song about something so ordinary to us in the Great White North.

Back in the ’90s, many of you were duped into thinking Alanis had some juicy gossip on Uncle Joey. Guess what? She didn’t. It would be like if I wrote a song about how Aunt Becky is going to prison. Too easy. Maybe tell us something we don’t already know, Alanis?

You see, back then, Dave was an absolute heartthrob. No Canadian could turn down that youth pastor, dad joke energy. Men, women, no one could resist him, and he was lapping up every minute of it.

As the legend goes Mr. Duplicity, which is what he liked to be called, would invite you out to an early matinee showing of “Beverly Hills Cop III” at a local theater in Ottawa and about 20 minutes into the movie we’d get down to business. Afterwards he’d treat you to a couple of Tim Horton’s paninis and you’d sit there while he’d explain the ending of the movie to you, as if it weren’t obvious. That’s the origin story of “You Oughta Know.”

I’m here to remind you that nothing could be more commonplace in Canada than fellating a ’90s family television star during a mediocre movie.

You know what? These kids today haven’t changed a bit. Every little ordinary experience they have is shared across every social media platform. Get a weird text from mom? Share that screenshot on Instagram. Had a creep DM you? Tweet that shit. Go down on Dave Coulier in a theater? Write a song about it. Not much has changed.

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Friendly, Helpful Record Store Employee Fired

Posted on January 25, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

ATHENS, Ga. — Record store clerk Jimmy Taylor, well-liked by customers for his attentiveness, knowledge of music, and generally affable nature, was fired yesterday by the management of Doc’s Vinyl, management confirmed.

“It’s about time they ditched that brown-nosing little fuck,” proclaimed former co-worker Madison Cowley. “I always dreaded working with him — he had to act all high and mighty, just because he knew of Kim Gordon’s next project, or what I should listen to next if I liked the score to ‘Chernobyl.’ He was always on time, too, and he never complained! One time when I was supposed to relieve him, I was about two hours late, and when I got there he said he didn’t even notice.”

“Seriously, fuck him,” added Cowley shortly before spitting directly on a pile of new records.

Taylor’s other offenses included properly and promptly unpacking inventory, showing up on time, and not insulting the customers.

“What Jimmy didn’t realize is that record stores aren’t supposed to be some community hangout,” stated owner/manager Rick Buckley. “Between him organically pushing new merch and increasing sales, it seemed like I was always doing the books, or ordering new inventory. I didn’t open up a record store because I like people and wanted to see them on a daily basis — this venture is explicitly to get away from people.”

While Doc’s staff seems to be pleased overall with this development, the community as a whole has chalked Taylor’s firing as a devastating loss.

“I always hated going to Doc’s, but Jimmy made it tolerable,” noted local musician/artist Kate Pierson. “I don’t know what they were thinking. I could spend hours talking music with him, and I discovered a lot of new stuff through him. The rest of the staff all come off as pretentious hipster posers who saw ‘High Fidelity’ one too many times. Sometimes I used to just make up band names and listen to those idiots declare them ‘passé.’”

Sources report that while Taylor was disappointed to leave Doc’s, he has already found a new job at a cocktail lounge, where he could share his love of beer and creative drinks with people who consider Blue Moon craft beer.

Carlos Mencia Endorses Bernie Sanders

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Rob Walker

LOS ANGELES — Carlos Mencia endorsed presidential candidate Bernie Sanders today, in what many are saying is language far too similar to previous comics’ endorsements of the Vermont senator.

“Him as a human being, when I was hanging out with him, I believe in him, I like him, I like him a lot,” Mencia said. “Look, you could dig up dirt on every single human being that’s ever existed if you catch them in their worst moment and you magnify those moments and you cut out everything else and you only display those moments.”

“That said, you can’t find very many with Bernie,” Mencia continued. “He’s been insanely consistent his entire life. He’s basically been saying the same thing his whole life. And that in and of itself is very a powerful structure to operate from.”

Rogan Endorsement Final Push Sanders Needed to Enter Octagon

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Dan Rice

RALEIGH, N.C. — A shirtless Senator Bernie Sanders stepped into the UFC Octagon vowing to take on all comers during a media workout ahead of UFC on ESPN+ 24, citing Joe Rogan’s endorsement as the final push towards something he’s “been considering for some time now.”

“Soon Americans will watch me mop the floor with the likes of Nate Diaz, Conor McGregor, and that Trump-supporting blowhard with pillows for hands Colby Covington and they will realize that this beatdown is exactly what I will do to the big banks,” said Sanders. “Joe’s support gave me the confidence to train my butt off and I’m ready to debut at any weight class.”

Reaction among Sanders supporters remains split so far with some fearing for the presidential hopefuls safety and others eager to see him “fuck shit up.”

“I guess I should have seen this coming, he’s been in much better shape this election cycle and at every debate he’s drinking Onnit almost non-stopped,” said longtime Sanders supporter Carly Barnridge. “I just hope they give him an easy first fight like CM Punk or something.”

Sanders adamantly denied allegations that his newfound aggression represented a shift in his political views, claiming “I’m going to show America just how badly we need healthcare reform by lumping up any chump dumb enough to step into this cage.”

Cute Simplistic Art Style Totally Unrelated to Indie Dev’s Limitations as Designer

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — The refreshing barebones art style of critically acclaimed indie video game Bird Brain has reportedly nothing to do with sole developer Ethan Kyte’s specific limitations as a game designer, according to those familiar with the situation.

“People really love the way that the characters in Bird Brain aren’t true to life because it’s fun to look at and lets you focus more on the puzzles. It’s great because I definitely could have drawn much more realistic characters if I wanted to,” Kyte said. “There was absolutely nothing holding me back from going hog wild on this thing, making this whole thing look like a Marvel movie. No artistic limitation or inability to draw wings forced me to make the game look exactly the way it does or worse. I’m actually sick at art.”

Reviewers who covered Bird Brain also praised the simplicity of the art design alongside the impressiveness of Kyte’s first foray into game development.

“You can tell he’s really holding back,” said IGN reviewer Beth Sears. “Kyte’s master touch with Bird Brain is that you can absolutely tell he can draw a human face really well but he chooses instead to make them just have sorta dots for eyes and a line for a mouth. There’s no argument that Kyte wouldn’t have the time or coding skills to fully animate those people, that stick figures were the limit of his abilities instead of a slick metaphor for the way capitalism dehumanizes and homogenizes us. It’s the choice that makes it elegant.”

“The game is funny and the fact that it looks bad is funny,” said Polygon reviewer Stephen Porter. “Kyte is funny and it’s on purpose.”

According to Kyte, the game took roughly three years to complete.

“One way I saved money during the production was to only make myself food as opposed to eating out. I made a ham and cheese sandwich for myself every single day for three years,” Kyte said. “I’m a great chef, though. I could easily cook a 5-star meal whenever I want, no problem. I just prefer eating ham and cheese every single day.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Couple Prefers Their Earlier Kid

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Dan Vanderpool

CONCORD, Calif. — Local punk couple James Paulson and Maria Overholt admitted last night in front of friends and family that although they are proud of their latest child Natalie, they still prefer their earlier kid, Max.

“I love her, don’t get me wrong… but she’s just so well behaved. She’s always a pleasure to be around, and — I know this is so corny — she feels like a watered-down version of myself,” said Overholt, who welcomed young Natalie into the world three months ago. “And she was the easiest pregnancy; it was almost like there weren’t any surprises this go-around. Nowhere near as sick and gnarly as her sister, Maxine.”

“Now that chick is the sickest!” Overholt added. “Max came out breeched and it was raw as hell — I hate when stage divers go feet first — but I respected the hell out of her when she did it.”

Overholt isn’t alone, as her husband agrees fully.

“Yeah, man… we were wild, young and dirt-poor, just a couple of kids trying to take a swing at the world. And I really think that all of that gave Max her unwavering spirit and rebellious nature. She’s also hella sick at puzzles — last week, she smashed a Rubik’s cube against the wall,” said Paulson proudly. “As we progressed as a family, we took better paying jobs and moved to the suburbs, and it seemed to really affect our sophomore effort. The stability we have now clearly made Natalie soft. I feel like a sellout every time I look at her.”

Interestingly, the phenomenon of preferring a first-release child isn’t new.

“I meet with a few clients a month who experience a wide range of let-down towards their new little ones,” said Dr. Janice Myers, a licensed punk counselor. “For instance, a big complaint about newer children is their greater dependence on parents — punk parents traditionally value that DIY work ethic found mostly in earlier children. The older kid usually had to make their own toys or learn to wipe their own butts while their parents figured everything out.”

Paulson and Overholt are currently debating the creative merits of “taking a break and going on hiatus” until they can reunite to capitalize on the 10th anniversary of their initial release.

“Daft Punk Is Playing at My House” and Other Times LCD Soundsystem Were Lying Sacks of Shit

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Bobby Korec

As one of the few people in this world that genuinely listens to lyrics and pays attention to song titles, allow me to blow your freaking mind. Did you know that not every band is telling you the 100% literal truth with every word they produce??? Of the few bands (of LIARS) that commit this unthinkable act, there is one band in particular that almost compulsively spreads lies and misinformation. That band is LCD Soundsystem.

LCD Soundsystem is an “art rock” and “dance punk” band from Brooklyn. I found this information on Wikipedia but the only website they should be discussed on is Snopes. That’s why I took off my music-critiquing hat and put on my music-detective hat (same hat, just way smaller) and fact checked some of LCD Soundsystem’s most popular tracks to inform you which ones are complete and utter lies.

Daft Punk Is Playing at My House (2005) – I combed through every single Daft Punk show ever played and not one was performed at James Murphy’s actual house. For one, he lived in Brooklyn and I heard people that live there can’t even afford houses. Totally unfathomable.

Dance Yrself Clean (2010) – The first red flag is the egregious typo in the title. As someone who corrects people’s grammar online constantly, I know that you should never trust a song name that is spelled incorrectly. Also, there is absolutely no way to adequately cleanse yourself through dance. Case closed.

american dream (2017) – Everyone knows the American Dream is a made up fairy tale. This has been common knowledge since I first learned about it on Reddit. Plus, they didn’t even capitalize the words in the title! Fake news spreading Russians if you ask me.

New York, I Love You but You’re Bringing Me Down (2007) – None of the members of LCD Soundsystem ever had a loving, but tumultuous relationship with the third most beautiful contestant on VH1’s Flavor of Love. Obvious lie.

I Can Change (2010) – False! No one can change. Especially not these guys. LCD Soundsystem’s music hasn’t changed in like 15 years. They’ve essentially put out the same album four times in a row. Lies! All lies!

So anyway, if you’re not doing anything Saturday maybe we can hang out and listen to some music.

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