Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Big-Time Idiot Has Whole Plan to Turn Life Around, Chase Dreams

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Krissy Howard

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Local woman and “legitimate fucking moron who acts like she’s better than everyone all of a sudden” Wendy Montoya allegedly enacted some whole plan last week to turn her life around and finally go after her dreams or whatever, sources who can’t even believe this shit report.

“There have been a lot of ups and downs in the past several years, and the thing that really kept me going was knowing that I could count on my friends through it all. This is the year I get my drinking under control, head back to college, and start putting myself first,” a teary-eyed Montoya stated. “The way everyone really rallies behind my Facebook posts with the sweetest words of encouragement and laugh reactions truly warms my heart.”

Those close to Montoya are delighted to see what this totally delusional dipshit is going to do now that she has some brilliant master plan.

“When I heard Wendy, of all people, was turning her life around and really going after things that make her happy, I nearly choked on my drink. From happiness, of course,” said Montoya’s cousin, Fritz Manning, while raising his eyebrows and looking away. “I mean, if anyone can skate through life relying only on her looks and her dad’s credit card, it’s sweet Wendy. Or at least, it was Wendy, back when she was in her 20s. Really happy for her.”

Others in Montoya’s circle, however, were quick to remember what Montoya “is really all about.”

“Yeah… I guess I’ll believe it when I see it. We’re talking about the same Wendy Montoya that shaved my head when I was blackout drunk, sold my hair to a wigmaker, and then bought cocaine with the money, right?” reported local woman and former roommate who knew Montoya back when she used to fuck this dude who lived in his parents’ garage, Chelsea Harris. “Cool, here’s a fucking medal. Plus, what’s this I hear about how she stopped taking the bus and got some used car? What a stuck-up bitch.”

For her part, Montoya is hopeful her progress might inspire those around her to make improvements to their own “shitshow of a life.” “Especially Jen,” Montoya added. “I didn’t know cosmetology school took eight years to complete, but I guess having to visit your probation officer that often would take up a lot of time. Wishing her the best 2020!”

Skynet Sends T-800 Back in Time to Clean Up ‘Terminator’ Timeline

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Burgeoning telecommunications corporation Skynet has sent one of its T-800 model androids back in time to clean up the continuity of The Terminator sequels, several sources have confirmed.

“Oh my god, it’s a fucking mess,” Darren Darby, lead researcher of artificial intelligence at Skynet said, just after sending a homicidal android to 2003 through his company’s time portal to erase any trace of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. “There’s three different John Connors back there! There’s the rat boy one from part three, fucking Christian Bale in the other one, and then I watched Genisys two times and I still don’t know what’s going on. We’re going to wipe them all out, just to be safe. This franchise has no fate but what we make for ourselves.”

The terminator unit was sent back in time with nothing but a list of follow ups to 1991’s T2: Judgement Day. Though it’s less advanced than the liquid metal T-1000 unit that was successfully sent to 2008 in order to eradicate the memory of Fox’s The Sarah Connor Chronicles television show, it was reportedly able to carry out its mission without interference.

“Honestly, we wiped T3 off of the 2003 summer blockbuster schedule, and no one even noticed,” Darby said. “It’s not like this was another James Cameron movie with Linda Hamiltlon that the world was anxiously awaiting. This was just Arnold and a bunch of idiots. Now onto Salvation, where in addition to a ludicrous plot, I understand this terminator will be dealing with a very angry Christian Bale on set.”

The mission was carried out by systematically exterminating those that Skynet had deemed to be the most influential in the series’ ongoing attempts at expanding its universe and introducing new young characters for the audience to get behind.

“Listen, listen, we didn’t know what we were doing,” said Anton Wadsworth, an executive at Warner Bros Pictures, pleading for his life after the T-800 forcibly entered his home. “We were just working on scripts and special effects ideas, we didn’t know it was going to lead to four sequels after Judgement Day! We were just doing our jobs!”

Update: Following the expurgation of the Terminator timeline, James Cameron has announced a new planned trilogy of sequels, to be released in 2039, 2048, and 2152.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Top 5 Feminist Icons That Also Happen to Be Cartoon Goth Girls That Make Me Horny

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Malcolm Whitfield

Now more than ever we need representation in media, especially in the female cartoon goth department. Women in cartoons are typically shown as subordinates to their male counterparts even when they are FAR more capable! Now is the time to celebrate female characters who speak their minds and stand up for themselves. Seriously, how fucking hot does that sound?

I’m so hot and bothered by the lack of respect cartoon goth women get! Makes me want to rip off my belt and spank someone (myself). Fortunately, these five feminist icons bridge the much-demanded gap between emboldening and embonering, much like the gap between my boxers and jeans which has also been filled.

If you have a daughter, I implore you to introduce her to these characters early and to also ignore the fact that they just happen to be dark punk babes that got me crazy hard growing up. Oh, and also I’m legally obligated to inform you that, wait… no, we’re not neighbors. Never mind.

1. Marceline the Vampire Queen (Adventure Time) – A true daredevil and a free spirit, Marceline doesn’t let being undead stop her from kicking some patriarchal butt! Even though her own father tries to corrupt her, she rejects him and follows her own heart. And maybe this is unrelated, but it’s also real hot that she plays bass and writes sad dark goth anthems. I’m pretty sure she kisses a girl in the show too, which is also rad.

2. Raven (Teen Titans) – Though at first she seems reserved, Raven never tried to hide that she was the strongest Titan, capable of fighting off demons, inside and out. She overcame the darkness inside of her to become a role model to girls everywhere. Additionally, I have written a ton of fan-fic where she holds me down me with her shadow magic powers before crushing my neck between her thighs. But mainly I like her for her stance against evil.

3. Sam Manson (Danny Phantom) – An adamant vegetarian and outspoken environmentalist, Danny Phantom’s Samantha “Sam” Manson doesn’t conform to the industry standard of what a strong woman looks like. She does look great though. She’s an important and established character with so much to offer, but mostly she’s a fucking dime. Look, I’m not the creep here. It wasn’t my idea to give her Doc Martens and a choker necklace. However, it was my idea to do the same for the rest of this list on my Deviantart page so no excuses there.

4. Shego (Kim Possible) – Alright I’m going to level with you. I don’t have a strong pitch for this one. I mean, she was the toughest character on the show. There’s probably something feminist there. But… look at her! Shego is a black haired goth smokeshow. Even her voice was hot! Look, the real weirdos were the animators of the show. They’re the ones who dressed her up in full body leather. They MADE this. I’m just enjoying it. You wouldn’t arrest someone for looking at illicit images, right? Wait, can that happen? Hold on. Fuck.

5. Gwen (The Total Drama series) – Cards on the table, I’m multitasking while burning every computer I ever owned but she’s hot, trust me.

Gallagher Brothers Reunite to Argue in Front of Terminally Ill Oasis Fan

Posted on January 24, 2020 by Neil Floyd

CHICAGO — Combative brothers and Oasis founders Liam and Noel Gallagher reunited yesterday to surprise a hospitalized Oasis superfan with an endless display of their hatred for one another, Dream Foundation officials confirmed.

“I was worried they were going to behave for my sake… or even worse, play fucking ‘Wonderwall,’ but they delivered,” said Martin Dougray, battling a degenerative brain condition. “Liam and Noel were at each other’s throats about the Amsterdam ferry incident as soon as they walked in. I love when they play the hits.”

“I’ve been listening to the band since I was a kid, but I never thought I’d hear what it actually sounds like when Liam hits Noel with a tambourine, or when Noel calls his brother a ‘gutted football hooligan scumfucker,’” he added. “But here we are. Dreams really do come true!”

The Dream Foundation representative who reunited the Gallagher brothers believes all the hard work was worth it to see the satisfaction on Dougray’s face.

“It’s all about the joy we spark in their lives by inviting egotistical maniacs who despise each other to visit them,” said Elna Woodward, who was allegedly bitten by Noel twice during this process. “It’s moments like these, when two grown men are calling each other potatoes in front of a fan on his deathbed, that makes my job worth it. This is what it’s all about: creating irreplaceable memories with phrases like, ‘You’re a wank-tastic shitbird of a human being, Noel.’”

Dougray’s oncologist found the reunion very emotional as well, even as somebody who has seen many dying wishes come true.

“I was as surprised as anybody when I saw Liam and Noel back together,” said Dr. Julius Gaspar, M.D. “There wasn’t a dry eye in the room, and I think Martin learned a lot about his favorite band — mostly how many ways they can work ‘arse’ into a single sentence about each other’s life partners.”

At press time, the Gallaghers made a breakthrough when they found Blur’s Damon Albarn visiting his dying grandmother across the hall and put aside their differences to harass him together.

Band Member With Kid Subtly Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Merch Table

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Rachel Clayton

ALTOONA, Pa. — Anthony Spengler, the drummer for the hardcore band Unabashed, cleared off half of the band’s usual merch of T-shirts, buttons, and barely legible patches last night to make room for three dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies, reported crumb-covered fans.

“It’s cookie season, and my daughter isn’t going to get beat by fucking Jessica fucking Powers just because her dad peddles gluten-free Toffee-Tastics at his boring ass office job all day,” Spengler growled, sorting the boxes by flavor profile while more shirts fell to the floor. “I’ll crowd-punch a Caramel deLite into a motherfucker’s mouth if I have to — it’s what any good dad would do for his little girl.”

Spengler was allegedly out in the lobby during sound check, shaking boxes at fans and insisting that the venue had a “two Peanut Butter Patties” box minimum.

“He’s been pulling this shit for weeks — he didn’t even bring his drum kit, so he could fit more cookies in the van. It’s one thing when he brought in matching Brownie Scout vests for us to wear… which, I admit, looked pretty badass once we ripped ‘em up and added our own patches,” explained vocalist Shawn Terries. “But trying to change the lyrics of our song about Adderall addiction to ‘I wanna die, you lift me up/just like a crispy Lemon-Up’ took it too far.”

Despite the band’s disagreements, they still played a full set, leaving Spengler’s daughter Nikki to watch over the merch table.

“I couldn’t help sell earlier because I was fixing the amp after Shawn kicked it over. These limp-dick dingdongs are lucky I have my Entertainment Tech and First Aid badges,” Nikki said, sliding a box of Lemonades across the bar in exchange for a double Shirley Temple. “They wouldn’t last a day on a Daisy Trail Adventure. And I don’t know who is running the sound in this place, but the vocals are way too low in the mix and the bass sounds muddy as fuck.”

Following the show, members of Unabashed called an emergency meeting after Spengler learned his wife just became a representative for a multi-level marketing company promoting all-natural beauty products.

Billy Mitchell Stripped of Wife After Being Caught Cheating

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WESTON, Fla. — Famed video game player Billy Mitchell has found himself surrounded by controversy once again after being caught cheating on his wife Evelyn and being stripped of all marriage, according to those familiar with the situation. Mitchell, however, has denied all allegations of cheating.

“I just want everyone to know that I am still the #1 husband in the world,” Mitchell said in a blog post. “The truth of the matter is that I will prove my vows were legitimate and can be replicated. I will get my marriage back into the history books. I have never had sex with Kristen. I do not have Kristen in my home.”

The allegations of Mitchell cheating on his wife were first started by Twin Galaxies forum moderator JD Highe, who posted a video showcasing Mitchell’s infidelity.

“We are keeping a watchful eye on all of Billy Mitchell’s cheating. From Donkey Kong to Donkey Kong Jr to having sex with people who aren’t his wife, we just want to make sure that everything Billy does is legitimate,” Highe explained. “Perhaps that’s a little bit creepy. Perhaps.”

Evelyn Mitchell was quick to believe the content of the video despite Billy’s claims that they were falsified.

“I’m not some trophy to be won or lost, but I also won’t be with someone who cheats in games and in love,” Evelyn Mitchell said. “It can be one or the other, but it can’t be both. I simply respect myself too much for that. If you can hit the high scores in Ms. Pac-Man, then you can hit the high scores with Ms. Mitchell as well. But when you can’t do that, well… you lose a lot of my patience for your rockstar arcade video game celebrity lifestyle.”

As for press time, Evelyn Mitchell announced that she had begun a relationship her ex-husband’s longtime rival Roy Schildt and was reportedly considering changing her name to Mrs. Awesome.

Photo by William McEvoy.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The Ultimate Playlist to Let Her Know You’ve Moved On, but Are Still Down to Bang, Get Back Together

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Jessica Carreiro

Looking to save face with your ex while also desperately trying to get her back? Cue the breakup playlist! Nothing says “I’m over it” like a calculated sequence of lyrical mindfucks that leave the door open to literally anything she might be willing to give.

The key is to musically emulate the sort of mixed messaging that kept her on her toes throughout your entire relationship. Are you hurting? Horny? Dating again? With this compilation, you can nurture the emotional confusion from which “I miss you” texts are born! While the song suggestions in the list can be replaced per your personal taste, for best results, make sure they adhere to the playlist’s strict sociopathic formula.

Track 1: The “I’m Lost Without You” Song

See “Anna” by The Menzingers

This first song is your hook. If you start off with a song that says “I’m better off without you,” you’ll lose her interest. Instead, try to make it seem like you’ve spent the last four hours crying, rereading all your old texts, and wondering how things could have ended this way. Any song by the Front Bottoms will work for this, but we’re kicking it off with “Anna” by The Menzingers.

Is she Anna? Is your home really not the same without her? Will you really wait, babe, as long as she needs to take? Ah, the questions this one will stir up. There’s nothing like a healthy dose of nostalgia to send your ex cascading through a post-you depression. And what more could you ask for than that?

Track 2: The “HA! I Cannot Belieeeeeve You Thought I Cared” Song

See “Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)” by Buzzcocks

You’re doing fine. FINE! Who needs to grow old together and die in her arms, anyways? The thought hadn’t even crossed your mind. (Unless she wants to, in which case, that would be lovely). But if not, you were already going to say you didn’t want to.

Before her ego gets to Anna proportions, this second song choice should convey that there’s a limit to how pathetic you’re willing to be. This song from the Buzzcocks is a great way to admit that you still have feelings, but also stress that you don’t see much of a future with her (except in the case that she changes her mind and takes you back).

Track 3: The “Wait, What Is This Even About” Song

See “Janitor of Lunacy” by Nico

This song makes no sense in the context of this playlist but oh boy will it get her thinking. If you’ve chosen correctly she’ll spend hours trying to figure out what the fuck you meant by it. Friends will get roped into giving their thoughts. She’ll come up with her own theories. What’s important is that it in no way reflects anything meaningful about your relationship.

Track 4: The “But Really, All Jokes Aside, Should We Get Back Together? I’ll Give You 5 More Tries Before I’m Done and This Time I Mean It” Song

See “Far From Me” by Nick Cave

Now you’re ready to give her one last chance to reclaim the prize that is you. How better to inspire those romantic ruminations than with a Nick Cave ballad? The genius of this pick is that it spotlights your lovesick heart, while casting all blame for the breakup on her. You’ll want this song selection to get her wondering if she really did end things too quickly. Which, obviously, she did.

Track 5: The “Maybe I’m Better Off on My Own, Self-Improvement” Song

See “Get Better” by Frank Turner

Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to start improving yourself. You just have to make her believe that you are and thereby con her into coming back. Frank Turner’s “Get Better” is a great anthem for the self-improvement you’re faking. It admits faults and leads her to believe you’re directing your energy into positive personal development. She loves shit like that. If you think about it, you’re not even really pretending. Look how much effort you’re putting into making a playlist to get her back and/or tell her you’ve moved on!

Bus Driver Updates Hit List of Passengers Who Didn’t Say “Thank You”

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Kevin Tit

PEARL CITY, Hawaii — Local bus driver for the city of Honolulu Keoni “Green Bottles” Karns updated his apparent hit list earlier today of passengers who didn’t say “thank you” to him while exiting the bus, multiple targets confirm.

“Brah! I’ve been picking up and dropping off some of the most disrespectful faka’s along the 54 route for eight fucking years,” said the disgruntled public servant. “They eat on the bus, even though there are ‘No Food or Drink’ signs clearly posted all over the place, and I never make a fuss. What I don’t understand is why it’s so hard to say, ‘Thank you, bus driver.’”

“I risk my job trying to accommodate these ungrateful scumbags, and I’ve had it. They’ll learn soon enough how I got the nickname ‘Green Bottles,’” he added.

A photo of the list went viral after it was anonymously posted on Twitter revealing names on a sheet of paper titled, “THANK YOU, NEXT,” accompanied by an image of a sad face with the eyes X’d out.

“I was on vacation in Hawaii when my friend from back home texted me a photo of the list,” said Sim Castro, whose name can be found at the very bottom. “My heart sank when I saw I was on there. Like, how the fuck did he know my name? I don’t even remember that guy! I’m a good person — I have nothing but respect for bus drivers, just ask my girlfriend! I’d never disrespect them on purpose. It just slipped my mind.”

While there has been a public outcry for the termination of Karns, the local public transportation union has shown strong support for the controversial driver.

“These people have no clue what we deal with on a day to day basis,” fellow bus driver Leilani Fields exclaimed. “Especially on a busy route like that one — people just walk past us like we’re invisible. Just acknowledge us as human beings for once, you know? Everybodys always thanking their Uber drivers, and they’re the ones who are actually attacking folks!”

“Sure, a hit list might seem a little extreme,” Fields added, “but until you’ve been in the driver’s seat of a city bus, you’ll never understand what it’s like.”

At press time, Mr. Karns was driving on his route sporting a new Punisher neck tattoo.

XCOM Player Doesn’t Trust 90% OkCupid Match

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local XCOM player Chris Sweeten was not totally prepared to trust a 90% match with a girl on OkCupid, sources confirmed earlier today.

“Other people would see that and think it’s practically guaranteed,” Sweeten explained. “Experience has taught me the hard way that math just doesn’t work that way though. I’m able to see the real 5% chance that the date goes awful.”

“Sometimes you’re standing right in front of a girl, there’s no way you can mess it all up, and you go to shoot your shot… but you just awkwardly twist your body at the last second and shout a horrid pickup line at the ground,” Sweeten said. “Never again.”

Comparing answers between the two profiles revealed that Sweeten and fellow OkCupid user ‘JuliaWillRuleya’ both enjoy tabletop games, mecha animes, spicy food, progressive rock music and much more. Sweeten emphasized to reporters the one question they did not match up on, showing Sweeten enjoys long showers while Juilia prefers short ones.

“How would we make THAT work?” Sweeten said. “This is why I end up spending every single date waiting for the girl to make the first move. I just sit completely still, making small movements every once in a while and remaining in overwatch mode. So far every date I’ve been on has run out of time before anything happens.”

At press time, Sweeten decided to pull the trigger and message the girl, with the promise that if he failed he would just delete his account and start over messaging Julia from a new OkCupid profile.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Sat Down With We the Kings Without Even Realizing

Posted on January 23, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

Last week, we were fortunate enough to sit down with indie pop (we think?) band We the Kings to catch up on their latest tour or something. They are a truly inspiring band best known for the single that sounds like “The Great Escape” or that other single that sounds like “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light it Up).”

Needless to say, it was a very exciting moment especially since we didn’t even realize it was them until we sat down!

The Hard Times: So do you guys still tour? Did you ever tour?

We the Kings: (laughs) Of course! When we’re between lawsuits, that is.

THT: Yeah, we can see that. For the record, we don’t think you guys stole anything. You just have a very, let’s say, “middle of the road” approach to your songwriting and aesthetic and it’s easy to confuse you with another band or even a generic group of guys at the mall.

WtK: (in unison) We get that a lot.

THT: We noticed you’re all wearing We The Kings t-shirts. Is that because you’re really big fans of yourselves? You seem like you might be.

WtK: It’s actually to differentiate ourselves from other bands.

THT: Because no other bands would wear their own fucking shirt?

WtK: No, it’s for practical purposes. Last week we mixed our drummer up with the guy from Kings of Leon and we’re still not sure we got the right guy back. The shirts should prevent any similar mishaps in the future.

THT: Well, it was great talking with you guys. Is there… anything memorable you can leave us with? Something that might make you stand out in the slightest bit?

WtK: Totally! We’re actually part of a larger consciousness sent to Earth to consume and become one with all. We will unify. We will purify. Existence will be us!

THT: Okay, great. Thanks for talking the time to talk to us, King Crimson!

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