Imagine Dragons Scrap New Album Because No Songs Are Fit to Play Leading Into NFL Commercials

Posted on by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES — Popular rock band Imagine Dragons announced today that they scrapped their upcoming album “Explosion” when they realized none of the tracks could effectively lead into NFL commercial breaks, sources close to the mathematically successful band confirmed.

“For ‘Explosion,’ each band member was assigned three songs to write. We sort of assumed that one of us would write an absolute scorcher that could be the soundtrack to a touchdown and the perfect precursor to a Bud Light ad,” explained an exasperated Dan Reynolds, the lead singer of the group. “I wrote a song about my mom getting sick, one about adopting a stray dog, and then one that was just pulled from an American Authors record. But when we sat down to record everything, we realized that, at best, these songs were barely good enough to be a low-level MMA fighters walkout song. It was a nightmare.”

The new album was initially planned to include 30% “slamming tunes,” per their contractual obligation, to get fans riled up going into a two-minute warning.

“Heavy-hitting hard rock monstrosities for sporting events are how I feed my kids,” commented long-time manager Stephen Grenholme. “Imagine Dragons gets paid because they write songs for ‘Transformers’ movies and ‘League of Legends’ tournaments, but the big payday comes when Patrick Mahomes throws a strike to Sammy Watkins and the broadcast heads to break over a slow motion celebration. No one wants to hear [drummer Daniel] Platzman’s bullshit song about teaching his sister to drive when going into overtime.”

Although a definitive blow to the Imagine Dragons organization, the news could not be coming at a worse time for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

“We have the Super Bowl in less than two weeks — we were counting on these guys to drop us some tasty new licks to play after [49ers coach] Kyle Shanahan throws a challenge flag. You can’t sell Pepsi with Fall Out Boy songs anymore,” said Goodell. “We’re running out of songs, dammit. Do you know how many times we played ‘Seven Nation Army’ last Sunday? 16. Our backup plan involves a Bonnie Raitt song, and let’s just say I am less than confident in that.”

At press time, Imagine Dragons were seen frantically jamming power chords and screaming “Fight until the end!” to try to meet their Super Bowl deadline.

Wife Confident Husband’s Band Too Shitty for Groupies

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BETHESDA, Md. — Local woman Tabitha Wicksham is “not at all worried” about her husband sleeping with groupies during his cover band’s upcoming tour, citing their mediocre talent and lackluster song choices as “sure to turn-off even the loosest of two-bit floozys,” sources close to the confident woman confirmed.

“Before my husband Darren left for his so-called tour, he sat me down for ‘a serious chat’ to explain that although there would ‘absolutely’ be lots of groupies at these shows clamoring to sleep with him, he would never cheat on me. I couldn’t help but laugh — like, tears in my eyes, deep belly laughs,” said Wicksham. “First of all, he’s playing two shows at a bar up I-95; it’s not exactly a world tour. And I love him to death, but he’s not getting laid over his piss-poor cover of ‘Hey Jealousy.’ Hell, the Gin Blossoms probably can’t even get laid from that song anymore.”

Husband Darren Ballard was deeply insulted by his wife’s reaction.

“She just kept saying, ‘Dawwwwww, you’re adorable,’ exactly like when the kids show us their crappy drawings,” said Ballard. “And FYI, there are lots of girls at our gigs — some even pay attention to us. There have even been a couple times where they didn’t actively look away from us when we were unloading. So for her to condescendingly say, ‘Of course, sweetie. You could get so many hot groupies, you big rock star,’ was really hurtful.”

When reached, alleged “groupie” Ruth Dawson recalled her brief encounter with Ballard.

“I approached him after his show, figuring he knew where the bathroom was. So I said, ‘Great set,’ just to be polite… even though I didn’t know any of the songs because I’m, you know, 23,” said Dawson. “But then, that middle-age creep cut me off and said, ‘I don’t go for groupies, I’m married.’ I fucking flipped my lid. Like, get real dude — he’s probably older than my dad. I went to smack him with my clutch, and he got so scared, he hid in the men’s room until his wife came to pick him up.”

Sadly, marital tension between Wicksham and Ballard further escalated after the latter stuffed an eggplant into his pants, ruining that week’s meal plan.

Huge ‘Star Wars’ Planet Adds Second Town

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEVARRO — Far far away planet Nevarro has added a second town after realizing they have the room to spare, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We were looking around and we were like hey, we’re a whole damn planet. We don’t need to just have this one stinky little town,” said Nevarro citizen Greef Karga. “I mean we’re always fighting too, but there’s only like… I dunno, 50 people on the whole planet? So we said fuck it, grabbed a bunch of supplies, traveled due west for about a week, and started a whole new town. I think we’re the first planet in the galaxy to have two, which is pretty sweet.”

According to those who live on Nevarro, the effects of the second town have already been positively impacting the planet.

“It used to be so easy for the Empire or whoever to just show up to the one town on your planet and find you. Now they gotta look through two though,” explained one bounty hunter who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus, we can share a planet with people! Sometimes I’d show up to a planet and find out another bounty hunter already claimed it. The whole planet! These days, we can be like ‘you take that side of the planet, and I’ll take this side.’”

Despite praise, however, some are pushing back against the fast expansion of the universe’s towns.

“It’s such fucking bullshit,” said Chalmun, who owns a cantina on Tatooine. “My cantina is one of three or so in the entire galaxy and we simply don’t have the population to start opening up more. I don’t want to have to resort to tacky strategies to get more people into my bar — hanging up pictures of celebs like Darth Vader or Han Solo eating with me — but I will if I have to.”

As of press time, the mayor and supreme ruler of Coruscant announced that citizens voted to remain just one giant city engrossing their entire planet.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Spoke to a Gorilla via Sign Language and Turns out He Has Some Upsetting Views on Woody Allen

Posted on by John Danek

Gorillas are magnificent creatures. They stand tall with powerful posture, pick their noses, and fuck in full view of a family audience in zoos. Very punk shit. But even more impressive than that, some gorillas are able to learn sign language and communicate with their keepers at the zoo.

We were lucky enough to chat with Orion, an Eastern lowland gorilla currently living at the Cincinnati Zoo. While Orion shines as an impressive example of nature’s evolution, sadly we can’t say the same for his views on certain Hollywood filmmakers.

THE HARD TIMES: Hello, Orion. I brought you some bananas as a present to thank you for your time.

ORION: Oh, great. More bananas. Never had those before. Just because I’m a gorilla doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a nice Malbec or creme brulee.

Noted. What is your favorite activity at the zoo?

ORION: I enjoy watching the 1970s and 80s output of auteur Woody Allen. But my captors refuse to buy the superior Laserdisc editions for me. The treatment here is inhumane. Or should I said, inprimane? Ha ha.

Umm, this is awkward, but have you heard any of the negative news about Woody Allen in the past few years?

So he married his ADOPTED daughter. Love is love and the age of consent is arbitrary. Do you think something magical happens to a person at midnight on their 18th birthday where they gain all the knowledge of the consequences of sexual activity? That’s absurd and honestly illogical. It’s not that black and white.

Woah, Jesus. But he is also accused of sexual assault of a minor.

Does that mean that the movies themselves are null and void? A movie is made by more than one person; is it ethical to cancel the hard work of the actors, cinematographers, and key grip because one person may have behaved inappropriately? It’s like how the great Dr. Jordan Peterson once said…

OK I’m not letting you use this interview as a platform for Jordan Peterson’s horse shit. God, this is just like when I interviewed that dolphin who wouldn’t stop defending Weinstein. 

That dolphin had some great ideas if you ask me, especially the stuff about Cosby being framed.

Ok I think it’s about time to wrap this up, anything else you want to tell our readers?

The Clintons had Harambe killed. 

We’re done here. 

Top 7 Podcasts for the 30 Second Walk to Take the Garbage Out

Posted on by Lawrence Scotti

It’s that time of the day. You must distract yourself from the momentary mundaneness of a simple chore. That garbage bag filled to the brim you’ve been neglecting needs to be taken out, but you need to divert your focus from that stinky garbage. With more podcasts available than ever, it can be hard to decide which one to queue up for the task at hand. With that in mind, here is our guide to the top 7 podcasts for the 30 second walk to take the garbage out.

7) The Comedy Button – This is the perfect podcast for the momentary walk to take your garbage out. This podcast has been going on for nearly a decade, and the hosts jokes will only be funny if you have been listening since the get go. Well if you have, then the familiarity and inside jokes will successfully distract you from your dirty bag of garbage! And if you haven’t… well, you’ve got a long life of trash to take out ahead of you.

6) Dan Carlin’s Harcore History – 30 seconds is a perfect enough time to hear host Dan Carlin slowly deliver about ten words. Because hey, in those ten words, you may just learn something. 

5) 60 Second Science – Learn half of a science lesson with this handy podcast delivered directly to your ears. Although you won’t learn the entirety of the lesson just listening to half the episode, you’re still better off having stimulated your brain! Maybe if you listen to it on the way back as well you might get through a whole episode. 

4) Joel Osteen Podcast – Distract yourself from the smelly trash in your hand and the having to open one to two doors with the teachings of the lord! Joel is an enthusiastic orator and has spread the good word of Jesus Christ across this great nation. Hard to imagine wanting to listen to him for more than 30 seconds, so this is a perfect garbage podcast. 

3) You Made It Weird – Get through just one instance of Pete Holmes laughing at his own joke to distract yourself from the monotony of your daily chores alongside whichever spiritual advisor you won’t get to listen to in this podcast!

2) Inside Frozen II -This stellar audio experience takes you down a path of Disney enriched delight, very far away from the experience of hauling your turd-wrought bag of filth to the dumpster. Episodes are around a half hour, so each one ought to last about a year!

1) The New Yorker Radio Hour – Get your daily dose of culture and political insight as you perform your stinkiest chore. 

Can’t allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts for even half a minute? Know any podcasts that are best for drowning out the silence? Let us know in the comments!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Inspiring? This Man Escaped North Korea but Now Makes Pretty Bad Art

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Prepare to be inspired, kinda. Yeah, mostly. Prepare to have your mind blown by this story of courage, tenacity, and mediocre outcomes. It’s still a story worth telling. For the most part.

Meet Ji-Hun Ho. He grew up under a tyrannical North Korean regime. Striving, nay fighting for his freedom every single day while watching loved ones and neighbors suffer. He’s seen more than we could ever comprehend and after his treacherous journey to escape fascism he’s got a story to tell.

Unfortunately, it’s super cliche and kind of pretentious.

Ji-Hun is currently living in California working on his one man show featuring his own music, visual arts, and theatrical storytelling all rolled into one. He describes it as a “feast for all senses” that truly engages the audience. Which is inspiring, I guess. But, like, we feel that’s been done before.

Seriously, it’s truly mediocre. We can forgive a meandering story, self-indulgent post-mordernism, and out of time music, but we can’t forgive what a waste this is. This could have been so much better. We bet North Korea will forgive Kim Jong-un before we’ll forgive such ham-fisted use of symbolism (we get it, the empty bowls represent starvation. You don’t have to include it in the dialogue).

Seriously go see it. Yeah it’s not good but, like, we don’t want him to end up starving again. Just don’t have high expectations. He’s been through a lot, you can go through this.

Man Asks Record Store Employee If They Validate Opinions

Posted on by Evan Doering

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local man Garret Bergeron asked a Bizarro Records store clerk yesterday if she validated opinions before he purchased a stack of new LPs, witnesses casually flipping through the discount bin by the counter confirmed.

“I just had to make sure before I spent too much money,” said Bergeron. “I would’ve hated it if I needed to go next door to the shop selling healing crystals just so they could make me feel good about my music choices. I was happy to find out that this store does validate opinions, and as it turns out, I have excellent music taste.”

“I bought a Sum 41 ‘All Killer No Filler’ reissue and I was really worried I might look like a poser, but the clerk assured me it was a great choice,” added Bergeron.

Employees of Bizzaro Records say this is a common occurrence, especially with customers insecure about their preferences.

“I was trained for this exact scenario the first day I was hired — record sales aren’t exactly through the roof right now, so I need to pretend that each purchase is an amazing choice by an amazing person,” said Amanda Clements, the clerk who reassured Bergeron. “I don’t think I’ve seen anyone purchase a record I actually like within the last month, but I’m great at pretending that a Phish double LP is an excellent selection.”

Consumer trends experts note that this sort of validation is happening at record stores across the country.

“The sad part is that female employees are subjected to this much more routinely than male employees — the data shows that most men shopping at record stores will use their purchase to parlay the transaction into small talk, with an especially delusional sample of the population believing things may end in a date,” said marketing analyst Izzy Arujo. “Our studies show that if a clerk is an attractive woman, she is 99% more likely to be roped into a conversation about the purchase. But, conversely, if the clerk is a portly man wearing a Sonic Youth shirt, the chances of conversation drops to 0%, with the exception of a few customers asking where they could find the nearest Taco Bell.”

Bergeron was later seen at a nearby clothing store, inquiring if they would give him a discount in exchange for scene points he accumulated in 2005.

Marvel’s New Trans Superhero Will Be Completely Invisible at All Times

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

LOS ANGELES — In a first for the multi-million dollar media franchise, president of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige has confirmed during a press conference that the first canonical transgender character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will be completely invisible at all times.

“We call her Transparency and we are very excited,” Feige stated. “She’s a vital ally to the Avengers, using her uncanny stealth to come out on top. In line with that, she’s rather reserved and doesn’t talk much. But we know our passionate fans will be able to notice her presence regardless, and that’s what matters to us.”

The first appearance of Transparency will be a supporting role in this year’s Black Widow, which Feige says was actually hinted at in the trailer.

“Sure, maybe she doesn’t actually ‘appear’ in the trailer, but she’s definitely there. We planned it all out from the beginning,” Feige insisted. “In fact, she could be in every single scene and you just won’t know it until you see it in theaters this spring. That’s how much we support the trans community.”

Joining Feige at the conference was Scarlett Johansson, who has also agreed to provide the voice of the exciting new character.

“Visionaries such as Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, and Tyler Perry have all played multiple characters in the same movie, and I think I have just as much range,” Johansson commented. “Besides, I have a deep love and appreciation for transgender people. In fact, I even met one once at an airport.”

When reporters asked Feige more about the decision to include a trans character, he went into detail about Marvel and Disney’s commitment to diversity and representation. 

“It has come to our attention that there are as many as 1.4 million transgender people in America alone. If they all came to see the movie, and all for a character that requires no special effects work, that’d be just amazing,” Feige said. “Representation is important to our earnings, and that’s why we are putting Transparency front and center in Phase Four.”

Entertainment journalists at the event were gifted with Transparency branded merchandise, including an empty Funko Pop box and a plain black shirt.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Huge Mannequin Pussy Fan Surprised to Find Band of Same Name

Posted on by Gary Doyle

CHICAGO — Local pervert Tommy Webster was surprised to discover yesterday a band named after mannequin pussy, his favorite fetish in the world, peeved out sources confirmed.

“I’ve been a fan of mannequin pussy for years. Most people don’t realize mannequins aren’t just good for displaying clothes — they also make excellent lovers,” explained Webster from his basement apartment. “Back in the day you had to be sneaky and steal mannequins that stores were throwing out… but now, you can just order whatever you want on the internet.”

“I found out about the band when I saw online that a place nearby was having a meetup of like-minded men,” he added, “but when I showed up, it was just a bunch of punk rock music. I liked their shirts, though.”

Webster’s co-workers claimed he has been open about his love for mannequins and their perceived genitalia.

“We’ve had multiple complaints about him describing making love to mannequins, and it got even worse when he started showing up to work wearing T-shirts with the word ‘pussy’ on them. We hoped to finally discipline him,” admitted H.R. manager Daniel Belford. “But when we ran it by our legal team, it turns out you can’t really write someone up for supporting a feminist punk band. And when the IT guys told me that Doug in finance spent an hour trying to buy DMT on the dark web last week, we realized we’ve got bigger things to deal with.”

Local venue owner Johnathan Kingston confirmed that Webster was at the show, wearing a long overcoat.

“He looked out of place as soon as he walked in — he was wearing these dark shades, and as soon as he saw human women present, he got really tense,” admitted Kingston. “He bought a ticket and asked my door guy if there’d be private booths for jerking off. I mean, we are a music venue, so we’re used to having creeps of all kinds in here… but this guy was a bridge too far. ”

At press time, Webster was Googling “financial dominance” and “cock and ball torture” to make sure his various pieces of fetish merchandise weren’t inadvertently promoting other any other bands.

Sad! This New Generation Is Too Young to Remember VH1’s “I Love the ‘80s”

Posted on by Tim Nash

It’s no secret that the rise of technology has furthered the generational divide dramatically. This new generation blatantly ignores the past with the foolhardy presumption that history is unimportant. They will never appreciate the things MY generation grew up with. It’s so sad that this new generation doesn’t even remember the VH1 classic talking head show, “I Love the ’80s.”

It’s downright depressing to think that kids today have no concept of history. They never once watched some of the most memorable comedians of the early 2000s discuss the merits of “The Love Boat” and make homophobic jokes about hair metal music videos.

They will never know the beauty of teen angst captured in a John Hughes film while the guy from Third Eye Blind pops up at the bottom of the screen to remind everyone he used to fuck. How do these kids expect to inherit the world from us? Oh right, they don’t.

I mean, glance up from your iPhone for one goddamned second and experience life! Seriously, look up so you can see the TV. I put on a pretty sick episode. In this one, Michael Ian Black reminds us why “Porky’s” will never age poorly.

Really, it’s pathetic that GenZ has been stuck with the rehashed memories of their parents in the form of cash-grab band reunions at Coachella. I wouldn’t be surprised if a hologram of of Juice Wrld headlined this Spring. Ugh. Bring back the classic artists, like 2pac’s hologram. Now that was REAL music.

If this generation isn’t going to learn about ’80s, what’s next? Have they also never seen That ’70s show?? If we don’t fix this now our history will be lost to time.

As the classic saying goes, “If we do not remember history, we are doomed to watch repeats of it on Viacom owned networks.”

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