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Big-Time Idiot Has Whole Plan to Turn Life Around, Chase Dreams

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Local woman and “legitimate fucking moron who acts like she’s better than everyone all of a sudden” Wendy Montoya allegedly enacted some whole plan last week to turn her life around and finally go after her dreams or whatever, sources who can’t even believe this shit report.

“There have been a lot of ups and downs in the past several years, and the thing that really kept me going was knowing that I could count on my friends through it all. This is the year I get my drinking under control, head back to college, and start putting myself first,” a teary-eyed Montoya stated. “The way everyone really rallies behind my Facebook posts with the sweetest words of encouragement and laugh reactions truly warms my heart.”

Those close to Montoya are delighted to see what this totally delusional dipshit is going to do now that she has some brilliant master plan.

“When I heard Wendy, of all people, was turning her life around and really going after things that make her happy, I nearly choked on my drink. From happiness, of course,” said Montoya’s cousin, Fritz Manning, while raising his eyebrows and looking away. “I mean, if anyone can skate through life relying only on her looks and her dad’s credit card, it’s sweet Wendy. Or at least, it was Wendy, back when she was in her 20s. Really happy for her.”

Others in Montoya’s circle, however, were quick to remember what Montoya “is really all about.”


“Yeah… I guess I’ll believe it when I see it. We’re talking about the same Wendy Montoya that shaved my head when I was blackout drunk, sold my hair to a wigmaker, and then bought cocaine with the money, right?” reported local woman and former roommate who knew Montoya back when she used to fuck this dude who lived in his parents’ garage, Chelsea Harris. “Cool, here’s a fucking medal. Plus, what’s this I hear about how she stopped taking the bus and got some used car? What a stuck-up bitch.”

For her part, Montoya is hopeful her progress might inspire those around her to make improvements to their own “shitshow of a life.” “Especially Jen,” Montoya added. “I didn’t know cosmetology school took eight years to complete, but I guess having to visit your probation officer that often would take up a lot of time. Wishing her the best 2020!”

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