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Opinion: My Artistic Vision for This Music Video Requires That I Make out With a Hot Girl

Look, as the frontman of the band, I am the visionary—and vision—holding this band together. Crusty Vag would just be some instrumental study music if not for my clever lyrics and sultry voice.

It may, to the untrained ear, appear that my song “Fuck the Cheeto” is a political anthem against the President of the Divided States of America. And sure, yes, that’s accurate, but that is why it would be completely subversive for me to star in the single’s music video while I brood around a bed with a crazy hot chick.

Hear me out. What could be more radical in 2020 than me, a somewhat conventionally attractive 34-year-old man, being crazily lusted over by a 19-year-old supermodel?

I’m imagining it like this: I am Michaelangelo’s David (with a bigger dick) and she is the Venus di Milo. And by that I mean, the focus should be on her breasts. We are wrapped half-naked in sheets like those statues always wearing, and we’re rolling around (artistically!) on a bed.

She will kiss my neck while I sing lyrics into the camera. Yes, it will require that the model is shirtless while she (tastefully!) dry humps me because the raw sensuality needs to look real.

I’m only considering the future of the band by wishing to make myself as a sex symbol.

We can cut between quick shots of the band playing too. We need to establish I’m the lead singer and not just some paid actor.

I understand this audition process to find the perfect hot chick with whom I have killer chemistry will be grueling, but I’m never one to shy away from hard work as long as it’s not the boring shit.

The model should have a unique look, like Kat Dennings or Emily Ratajkowski.

Also, if you could not mention this particular artistic vision to my wife, that’d be dope. She may be an art curator, but she just doesn’t get art like me.