ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local woman Connie Walters is fed up with all of her friends constantly asking for financial advice, based solely on the fact that she’s the only one in the group with a credit card, sources hoping to borrow $20 to get through the week confirmed.
“I’m not some guru when it comes to my money… but every day, I get multiple texts from friends asking about how they should start planning for their future,” said Walters. “Some ask me what stocks they should be investing in; others ask how to set up a Roth IRA. I just happen to have savings and checking accounts that my parents set up for me 10 years ago. Add in one credit card from Bank of America that has a $500 limit and a 56% interest rate, and suddenly, I’m Suze Orman.”
Friends of Walters believe she is downplaying her knowledge to appear more modest.
“Connie is basically a superhero when it comes to all this shit. I asked her to help me with taxes last year, and she told me, ‘I’m pretty sure since you don’t have a job, you don’t have to pay taxes,’ which is like, unbelievably helpful,” said longtime friend John Sullivan. “Landlords don’t laugh in her face when she fills out a lease, and I want that. I’ve tried to follow her lead — I keep applying for pre-approved credit cards, but I always get a letter back reading that it would be ‘grossly irresponsible’ for any bank to give me a line of credit. I’m hoping Connie might be able to call Wall Street for me and put in a good word and let them know I’m good for it. I got almost half of my last pet deposit back, so it should be cool.”
Financial advisors across the country confirm that this is a growing issue, as more and more young people find it harder to plan their futures.
“To put it lightly, the sad truth is that this new generation of consumers is completely fucked,” said CPA Gavin Arnold. “If you don’t have parents who can help pay for a car or pay your way through school, then enjoy being overwhelmed by debt, forever. So many young people are so broke, they don’t even have access to the institutions designed to fuck them even further… but maybe that’s a blessing.”
Proving her financial savvy, Walters further impressed friends by financing a $4,500 used car, which is expected to be paid off in 2032.