Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Oh Fuck, I Hit Deerhoof With My Car

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

Damnit! Oh no, oh fuck, I just hit Deerhoof with my car! Look, first of all, it’s been raining all weekend, the roads were really wet. And second, my brakes are really bad. Ed Rodriguez just appeared out of nowhere, even if I had swerved I still would have hit his amp stack. My car was fucked either way.

I was going fast enough that most of them didn’t suffer, for what that’s worth. I did have to call animal control to come check on Greg Saunier, he was flailing about looking pretty injured, but he was also keeping a pretty tight groove so I’ll let them determine if he needs to be put down or released into another supergroup with Zach Hill.

I can’t report this to my insurance company, they’ll total it with all this fiberglass damage. Oh man, they really trashed my front end, there’s shreds of drumsticks in the wheel well. And I’m not gonna hear the end of this from the indie community. Ugh, my sister’s boyfriend is gonna be pissed.

Hang on, I think I have a spare bulb in my trunk. I gotta change it out before I get pulled over for a broken headlight and they smell weed and/or find most of Deerhoof in my trunk. Deerhoof is out of season, man, I’m already gonna be in trouble with Pitchfork and Spin, I don’t want the game warden on my ass. Oh, good, I found the spare bulb, it was under John Dieterich.

I have a friend who teaches screaming at the local summer noise rock kids camp, she’s a big Satomi fan. I’m gonna see if they’ll take the meat the nourish the little campers. I’d hate for them to go to waste.

Not to sound paranoid but I was looking up headlight assemblies on Amazon and they suggested I buy a vinyl copy of “Milk Man” along with it. Does this happen to a lot of people? My cousin clipped Deerhunter once with her Prius but she just had to kick her bumper back into place.

Oh boy, the adrenaline is starting to wear off. I’m probably going to jail. But it was raining. Deerhoof just ran out in the middle of the road, man.

NRA Suggests Arming Doctors to Prevent Coronavirus Epidemic

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Jon Wood

FORT WASHINGTON, Md. — Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive of the National Rifle Association (NRA), unveiled a bold plan today to prevent further American coronavirus casualties by arming doctors and nurses on the front lines of this epidemic.

“Our hospitals are soft targets, and need to be fortified against these sick individuals before they can inflict mass casualties or martyr themselves at the altar of progressive, consumer-driven healthcare reform,” said LaPierre to attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference. “The only way to stop a bad guy with coronavirus is a good guy with a gun and the cover of doctor-patient privilege.”

Conservatives were quick to embrace the NRA’s latest proposal, echoing their support for similar GOP-backed initiatives to reduce the number of school shooting fatalities.

“My kid got sick at school and they sent his dumb-ass home, and now we all got the flu or the coronavirus hoax or some shit… and now I gotta call in sick to work for real, and probably won’t get to smoke this weed I just scored for another week,” said concerned parent Jed Larsen, holdling back tears. “It pains my ass to think that none of this woulda happened if our school nurses were just given the training and firepower to put down these ‘patient zero’ kids before they get to fucking up all my shit.”

Despite support within the Trump administration as they direct the federal government’s response to the crisis, the NRA’s coronavirus plan has been met with resistance from medical experts and physicians on the ground.

“Look, I get that the point here is to sell more guns. But seriously, arming everyone with a college education can’t be your answer for everything,” said Dr. Sarita Shah. “I mean, and I’m no marketing genius, but how about if you made coronavirus-tipped bullets? Sure, the idea’s just as stupid and would probably do even more harm, but I bet you’d move a shit ton of those bad boys.”

The federal coronavirus taskforce, led by Vice President Mike Pence, is reportedly also considering a religious freedom exemption on acknowledging same-sex or extra-marital transmissions.

We Asked Kirby Why He Doesn’t Just Turn Into Endangered Species and Fuck Them

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

DREAM LAND — A recent sit down interview with Nintendo superstar Kirby revealed some insights into a decades long career as a top tier mascot in the Nintendo repertoire, but revealingly, no insights as to why he doesn’t just dick down every endangered species and repopulate this fucker.

“Starring in Kirby’s Adventure in 1993 really changed everything,” said the iconic figure who never not once has turned into a koala bear and knocked up like a dozen of them before changing back. “This bit about transforming into endangered animals for the purposes of procreation is the first I’ve ever heard of this. Are a lot of people saying that about me?”

The self involved superstar was born with the ability to inhale, swallow, and subsequently absorb the key identifying characteristics of anything it comes into contact with. This miraculous ability has been used throughout the decades mostly to use various species’ fighting styles and weapons to his physical advantage, and not getting weird with one of the 150 species that go extinct daily.

“It is too bad that Kirby would rather use his powers for violence than peace,” said animal activist Leanne Morton. “And look, I don’t know if that is exactly how it would all work or not, but I do know this, he hasn’t even tried fucking an endangered animal to see what would happen. Not. A. One. Shame on you, Kirby. If you won’t fuck a hawksbill sea turtle, why don’t you just go fuck yourself?”

Representatives for Kirby have come to his defense, stating that his innocent public image would not gel with a constant stream of interspecies fornication.

“C’mon, you think Nintendo would keep Kirby on contract if he just started railing every fish and giraffe that was facing extinction?” asked Gil Klondike, Kirby’s Agent of over 25 years. “Do you remember the time Samus wore a bikini and she didn’t get a game for eight years? Get real, people. Kirby sucks one thing, and that is the life force of the cute enemies threatening the realm of Popstar.”

Further questions regarding his lack of sexual experimentation prompted Kirby to absorb most of the equipment being used to conduct the interview.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Embarrassing! We Saw Rammstein Shopping for New Leather Butt Straps With Their Mom at the Mall

Posted on March 5, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

Dude! I was at the mall getting a new pair of JNCOs and some sick fingerless gloves from Hot Topic, and I saw those dorky Rammstein brothers trying on new leather butt straps with their friggin mommy! Can you believe it? I spit Orange Julius all over myself. It was so funny!

Du hast to be seen shopping for that stuff with your mom dude? I mean I gotta admit, the Rammsteins were totally killing the “every part of my ass is out except for my crack and the literal hole like I’m at an industrial cowboy sex show” look but that’s beside the point.

I just want to state the obvious and say letting your mom whip your asscheeks with her pocket cat-o-nine-tails right there in Macy’s is fucking weird.

Even worse, they just kept trying to unsnap each other’s pants a bunch and kept letting their giant, semi-hard dicks hang out while they tried on more of the exact same fetish gear right in front of the changing room. Meanwhile, their mom was dry humping the sweater rack and shouting what felt like encouragement at them. What a freak show!

Here’s the bogus part: I took pictures of them trying on all that weird shit with their mom and I got suspended! All I wanted to do was ridicule the foreign kids for their weird sexual freedom!

Oh and get this, I heard from my buddy Fieldy that their mom totally flipped on the cashier at Hot Topic! She got all mad because the poor girl behind the counter didn’t know whether or not the industrial face masks were medical grade, can you believe it? Said she wanted to “make sure her boys were safe.” That’s so embarrassing! Know wonder Ramstein is so fucked up.

Failed New Year’s Resolution Repurposed for Lent

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Bobby Korec

OKLAHOMA CITY — Local punk Gary Trentson is recycling his New Year’s resolution for Lent this year after failing miserably on his initial attempt back in January, continually disappointed friends reported.

“It’s all part of God’s plan,” Trentson said while rubbing his beer belly. “My resolution was to give up alcohol for 12 whole months after a bunch of my friends cornered me and gave me the idea while I was incoherently drunk one Tuesday night. I started off strong, but I accidentally celebrated my first full week of sobriety by getting absolutely hammered. After several congratulatory Tecates, it hit me that I could just give the whole sobriety thing another go for Lent, so I threw my hands up and busted out the whiskey.”

“Also, as someone who fears actual commitment, 40 days is a much more manageable timeframe to give up a potentially life-ruining habit,” Trentson continued. “After these 40 days are up, I’ll probably get blackout drunk at my sister’s house on Easter again this year. Just like Jesus would’ve wanted.”

Trentson’s friends, while supportive, do not have high hopes for his success.

“Gary is not even religious,” said longtime friend Judy Frugler. “And we’re all rooting for him, but he typically gives up on goals at the first sign of discomfort. Last year his resolution was to start going to the gym, but then curiously gave up the gym for Lent that same year. His half-assed excuse was that Jesus never exercised or drank protein shakes, so he shouldn’t either. One year later, and he’s still ‘abstaining’ from physical activity.”

Members of the clergy have long documented the religious observance.

“The tradition of Lent began after Jesus fasted for 40 days in the woods as his way of getting off the grid,” said local “cool” pastor Jeremiah Yonder. “Today we simulate Jesus’ sacrifice by giving up substances like alcohol, smoking, or chocolate for that same duration… and also not eating meat on Fridays, because historically, Jesus was more of a seafood guy. Then on Easter, we go right back to our old self-destructive patterns as if we learned nothing. Jesus died for our vices, after all.”

At press time, Trentson had already bailed on his Lent responsibilities and vowed to give it another shot for “Sober October.”

Bloomberg Announces End of Campaign Via $327 Million TV Ad Buy

Posted on March 4, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced he will be suspending his presidential campaign via a multi-million dollar ad campaign, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“We were very dismayed to hear Mayor Bloomberg was dropping out of the race because he was basically funded most televisions stations across the country with his campaign,” said Jordan Dunstin, operations manager at ABC affiliate KIVI in Boise, Idaho. “Thankfully, he went out with a bang. His presidential withdrawal ad was one of the most expensive yet, and it’s just 45 seconds of him shaking hands with random people and spliced together with 9/11 photos, with a voiceover saying ‘Mike may have given up this time, but that doesn’t mean he’s going away.’ Kind of creepy and weird, almost like a threat. We’re sure gonna miss that around here.”

Those most affected by Bloomberg’s announcement are Instagram meme pages that saw a sudden influx of money for paid content over the course of Bloomberg’s run.

“This sucks man. Mike paying me to pretend he was cool was the first time I ever got compensated for my meme art. I was hoping for another six months of him at least,” said semi-popular meme creator @Fluffdragon420. “I’ve already sent some emails to people that run Joe Biden’s super PAC and hopefully they’ll pay for some dank memes. I’m willing to support any candidate that allows me to buy all the weed I want.”

As of press time, Tulsi Gabbard was expected to spend her remaining $250 in campaign funds for a quarter page ad in her niece’s yearbook.

Confused Biden Announces He Is Dropping Out Of Race, Endorses Joe Biden

Posted on March 4, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — A confused Vice President Joe Biden announced he is dropping out of the democratic primary contest today, throwing his weight behind moderate front runner Joe Biden, following a strong Super Tuesday showing.

“This election is too important for us to remain a divided field, which is why I’m so proud to announce today I am ending my presidential campaign and endorsing Joe Biden for the first president of the United States,” Biden said to a crowd of supporters smiling and nodding along awkwardly. “Because no one messes with Joe! Now I just have one question for all of you: let’s keep rolling forward.”

Biden went on to explain that although he didn’t see a clear path to the nomination for himself, helping consolidate the moderate lane behind Joe Biden gave the Vice President a great chance to win. He thanked all of his supporters for helping him get this far, and now that he is out, encouraged them to carry on the fight for Joe Biden

CNN Pundit David Axelrod was shocked to see somehow the move worked brilliantly, instantly doubling Joe Biden’s support.

“Anderson, we’ve seen many candidates drop out and endorse Joe, moving his numbers up. But we never imagined Joe could drop out and endorse Joe, instantly giving himself twice the level of support he once had. This is a brilliant move,” said Axelrod. “A move like this just proves that Bernie Sanders’ socialist message isn’t working and that the American people have spoken.”

At press time, aides were rotating Joe around so that he would be facing the podium for his next rally.

Struggling Ben Bailey Reminds Passengers This Is Not an Episode of Cash Cab

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Collin Preciado

NEW YORK — Several taxi cab customers were reminded by comedian and game show host Ben Bailey that they were not actually on the Cash Cab game show during their various commutes today.

“At first we got in the taxi, and we were freaking out because we recognized [Bailey] right away,” recalled passenger Tracy Anderle, “but after a while we realized he wasn’t kidding when he repeatedly asked us to stop talking to him so he could focus on the road. It was actually really depressing. For him, I mean.”

Bailey was not available for comment, but his publicist, Schmen Shmailey, was able to provide more information on his situation via telephone.

“Look, it’s tough out there for me. I mean Ben. It’s tough out there for Ben,” said Shmailey. “The show made me, I mean Ben, pay for my, fuck, his own medallion. I don’t know how much you think taxi-based game shows pay, but it ain’t a lot. The medallion costs six figures so you do the math.

“Also, I am definitely not Ben,” Shmailey added.

Several other witnesses reported that many personal effects were seen rolling out under the seats of the vehicle, including a toothbrush and a Norelco electric shaver.

“I don’t want to say Ben Bailey lives in that cab because I have no way of knowing that,” said Anderle, “but somebody definitely does.”

Shmailey denied anyone living in the vehicle.

“That’s absolutely ridiculous. How would that even work? I mean, do injured people in the hospital live there just because they haven’t left in a couple weeks? No, they just stay there until they get better and can leave. It’s the exact same thing.”

The next season of Cash Cab returns later this year. Bailey can be seen next week performing stand up at LOL Times Square at 11 a.m. on Monday.

Thrifty Vegan Figures Out How to Make Lasagna With Only $100 in Ingredients

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Jeff Cardello

GILBERT, Ariz. — Local vegan Robbie Hughes created a lasagna using only $100 in ingredients, proving that a plant-based diet is possible for everyone no matter their income level, sources close to the smart shopper confirmed.

“With a bit of planning, creativity, and your parents’ credit cards, eating more sustainably doesn’t have to break the bank,” said Hughes. “For the cost of one month’s groceries at a regular supermarket, you can buy almost a week’s worth of vegan food. And since you get hungry 10 minutes after every meal, nothing goes to waste — it’s a win-win. I’m not sure why everybody isn’t doing this.”

Hughes’ girlfriend shares his love of authentic plant-based dishes, and feels that with just a few small lifestyle adjustments, more people could afford to go vegan.

“Eating a lasagna made from hazelnut ricotta, faux duck sausage, and noodles made from wheat harvested by hand by Moby isn’t just for the rich,” said girlfriend Shannon O’Connor. “Yeah, we’re probably going to be late on the rent, and I’m going to have to sell my eggs again to that fertility clinic, but it’s all worth it. We were going to try to buy some of the Impossible meat to really take this to the next level, but I couldn’t get a bank loan in time. Oh, well.”

Samantha Windsong of the Sedona Institute of Veganism offered some advice for those who want a vegan diet but may be on a budget.

“There’s so many ways to save money — for example, why go to the supermarket when you can purchase a few acres of land and grow your own organic vegetables? Sure, you live in the city and farming seems out of reach, but you can always hire people to hand-deliver that food to you daily,” said Windsong. “If that’s too much of a stretch, just rent the apartment next to you and install hydroponic closets to grow your own produce right at home. Easy as vegan pie.”

However, the couple admitted they’re frustrated that their commitment to a cruelty-free lifestyle goes unnoticed.

“Our neighbors still invite us to barbeques, and even though I’ve told my parents a thousand times, my mom still cooks bacon when we visit,” said Hughes. “At least when we go to the animal sanctuary we get a head nod from the cows. They know — and that’s all that really matters.”

I Don’t Care If You’re Black, White, Purple… but If You’re Electric Lime Green? Get the Fuck out of My Country!

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Jimmy Adamson

I am not a racist. I’m friends with all sorts of different colors of people. Black, white, brown, beige, khaki. Hell, I even love that purple guy from the Marvel movie, Thanos. Love that dude! When it comes to people, I really don’t see color.

Unless you’re electric lime green. Then FUCK YOU!

Listen, I don’t wanna hear any nonsense about “Hey, it’s not fair to judge someone by the color of their skin” or “There’s actually no such thing as electric lime green people” or “I don’t think you’re taking the divorce well.” Blah blah blah. That’s how they get you! You say they’re not real and the next thing ya know we got Meanie Greenies coming over from God-knows-where! They’re stealing your land, taking your job at Gas City, having hot, passionate sex with your ex-wife Cindy, the list goes on.

Remember 9/11? You damn well better. Well imagine 9/11 but times a hundred. That’s 91,100! Yeah. And it could happen if the Meanie Greenies have their way. I say we do a preemptive strike and lock ‘em all up as soon as they get here from whatever contaminated cesspool they crawled out of. I mean, they’re both electric and green for God’s sake. I don’t care about the content of your character when the color of your skin looks like it could give me cancer.

Actually, no. Screw it. BAN THE MEANIE GREENIES! Lessen the chance of them doing another 9/11. They did 9/11, right?

As usual, I repeat: I AM NOT A RACIST. But if you’re an electric lime green person, I’m sorry but get the fuck out of my country! Nuff said! Plain and simple! END OF STORY!

Also if you’re reading this and you’re my ex-wife, Cindy, please come back to me. Unless it’s true what they say, “Once you go green… I lose touch with reality.”

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