LOS ANGELES — Former New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced he will be suspending his presidential campaign via a multi-million dollar ad campaign, sources familiar with the situation confirmed.
“We were very dismayed to hear Mayor Bloomberg was dropping out of the race because he was basically funded most televisions stations across the country with his campaign,” said Jordan Dunstin, operations manager at ABC affiliate KIVI in Boise, Idaho. “Thankfully, he went out with a bang. His presidential withdrawal ad was one of the most expensive yet, and it’s just 45 seconds of him shaking hands with random people and spliced together with 9/11 photos, with a voiceover saying ‘Mike may have given up this time, but that doesn’t mean he’s going away.’ Kind of creepy and weird, almost like a threat. We’re sure gonna miss that around here.”
Those most affected by Bloomberg’s announcement are Instagram meme pages that saw a sudden influx of money for paid content over the course of Bloomberg’s run.
“This sucks man. Mike paying me to pretend he was cool was the first time I ever got compensated for my meme art. I was hoping for another six months of him at least,” said semi-popular meme creator @Fluffdragon420. “I’ve already sent some emails to people that run Joe Biden’s super PAC and hopefully they’ll pay for some dank memes. I’m willing to support any candidate that allows me to buy all the weed I want.”
As of press time, Tulsi Gabbard was expected to spend her remaining $250 in campaign funds for a quarter page ad in her niece’s yearbook.