Autosave Doesn’t Feel as Good as the Real Thing

CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand — Although experts are split on precisely why, a study of gamers worldwide has determined that the autosave function just doesn’t feel as good as saving for real.

One subject, Andrew Feigelson, reportedly boasted during the initial focus group that he “never autosaves” and went as far as to claim that people who do autosave are depriving themselves of the full saving experience.

“Some people say that if you end up saving your progress at the end either way, it shouldn’t make a difference how you do it,” said Feigelson. “But I’m sorry — when you actually click save, it’s so much more vital. You reach a higher level of save that’s just… I can only describe it as a profound sense of satisfaction.

“If the mood is right,” Feigelson elaborated, “I’ll click save multiple times in one night. That’s how much I love clicking save.”

Other gamers, like Kylie Shapiro, claimed autosave made gameplay in general less gratifying.

“There’s a certain adrenaline that comes with playing a game without the safety net of autosave,” said Shapiro, who expressed that she always communicates a willingness to autosave but quietly hopes the game will only offer manual save. “If you lose that, it’s fine — in the end, saving is saving — but you can’t argue it’s not different.”

A small but vocal minority of participants were convinced that saving isn’t a binary choice, arguing that there is room for both manual saving and autosaving in any healthy save life.

“You gotta double save,” insisted Cameron Umbro, who spent much of the study giving women his unsolicited perspectives about saving techniques. “Even if autosave has a 99% success rate, that means 1 out of every 100 times, you’re gonna have to start the level over — or worse, you could end up with a corrupted file. At this point, I’ve saved thousands of times with hundreds of different games; I can’t take that risk.

“Not double saving is how I ended up with three kids,” Umbro continued, “who are really mad that we had to start Meringue Clouds over from the beginning in New Super Mario Bros. U.

Incidentally, 100% of gamers surveyed said that, for safety purposes, they always make sure to wear a condom while saving.

Crust Punk Too Busy Dealing With Raccoon Flu to Worry About Coronavirus

SEATTLE — Capitol Hill crust punk Steve “Skaggs” Sprewell is far more concerned about the raccoon flu he contracted while dumpster diving last week than the Coronavirus pandemic, according to feverish yet well-fed sources.

“I know everybody’s freaking out about the Coronavirus, but last time I checked, that shit doesn’t give you retractable claws and put rings on your dick,” Sprewell sprayed as he wiped foam off his lips. “It also probably doesn’t make you grow a domino mask made out of hair on your face. It totally blows that people are dying and shit, but I’ve had three people swat at me with a broom today alone… and my neighbor started bringing her cat food inside after she caught me scurrying away with handfuls of it in the middle of the night. So, I understand.”

When asked how he contracted raccoon flu, Sprewell credited an interspecies altercation that occured a week ago behind Yusef’s Deli.

“You know that street fight scene in ‘They Live?’ It was just like that, except replace Keith David with seven bloodthirsty raccoons with nothing to lose,” Sprewell said. “But when there’s that much leftover shawarma at stake, a few bites to the ankle, face, and taint are worth it.”

The crust punk’s unusual condition has not gone unnoticed by the Center for Disease Control, which has kept a close eye on the group for decades.

“Mr. Sprewell is the first known case of raccoon flu in the entire world,” said virologist Dr. Sandra Romero. “We have no idea what kind of mortality rate it has or whether it can only be transmitted through dumpster fights. The symptoms for raccoon flu include an aversion to sunlight, a total lack of dignity, and an all-consuming desire to eat trash. Frankly, I’m not sure how to tell the difference between an infected person and every crust punk in America.”

While the Coronavirus remains the CDC’s top priority, the department is taking steps to contain the raccoon flu from spreading by quarantining every crust squat in the city.

Given That I’ve Exhausted My Library of Believable Excuses, I Feel I Should Tell You I Don’t Like Your Band

Hey! Just wanted to pop in and express my apologies for not being able to come to your show the other day. I hope it went well. My aunt’s funeral? What are you… Oh, right! I mean, oh… right… It went fine. Very tasteful service. Hmm? No I don’t know why they scheduled it at 10 pm on a Saturday, you’ll have to check with her next of kin. I’ll definitely have to check out your next show though.

What’s that? You’re having one tonight? Well, as much as I’d love to make it, unfortunately, I have to…

Ya know what let’s just cut the bullshit here. The fact of the matter is I can’t keep coming up with these elaborate stories as to why I can’t come to your shows. It’s fucking exhausting. Your band fucking sucks. There, I said it.

I know we’re good friends and all but it needed to be said. You know I’ll always support you, and part of that support is building a house of cards with excuses but I just can’t anymore. You guys are beyond terrible. I’d rather listen to two cats in heat who have my parent’s names and can speak English. You guys have no business holding instruments or being up on stage and we’re passed the point of politeness. God your art is awful.

Oh, I’m the asshole here? Well what kind of friend doesn’t take the fucking hint that I don’t want to come to your shows?! Why did you keep forcing me to come up with those cockamamie excuses as to why I couldn’t come? Do you think I like pretending to kill off random relatives of mine? Do you have any idea what that’s doing to my karmic alignment? Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.

Your reaction right now is exactly why I had to make up reasons why I couldn’t come to your shows. Besides, you had to have an inkling that I was trying to spare your feelings. You didn’t actually think I was actually the one driving Elon Musk’s spacecar, did you? And no, I did not spend last weekend single-handedly tearing down the border wall. Any shock you’re feeling right now is on you.

Oh come on, I can’t possibly be the first person to have said this to you. Okay fine, you made me feel bad. I’ll fucking go… unless something comes up.

Cat Only Roommate Helping Clean Up Last Week’s Vomit

PORT CHARLOTTE, Fla. — Local housecat Poobies was the only resident of 62 South Woodside Drive that contributed to cleaning up a pile of vomit from last Thursday’s party, according to several slightly gagging sources.

“Well, this is great news. That was really starting to stink,” said the cat’s owner Kasem Sharpe. “I was wondering when someone would get around to it — not surprising, as Poobies has the best hygiene of all five roommates in the house. She’s constantly cleaning herself and honestly, she has the best breath out of anyone who lives here. Sure, she can be passive aggressive at times, but she’s no worse than Derek with his post-it notes.”

Even the crust punk party guests who passed out and spent the night were disgusted by the condition of the house.

“The place was disgusting when we got there, and we only left it more disgusting,” said partier Dru “Comaboy” Watson. “I’m not a clean person, but that house is coated with a layer of stickiness. When we were playing beer pong on someone’s air mattress, I knocked over an urn. I was told not to worry about it, that it was just an uncle… and it all immediately absorbed into the carpet. Not to mention the line to pee in the kitchen sink because the toilet was clogged before the party started.”

When asked for comment, Poobies the cat was eager to relive her meal.

“Ah, yes, that was quite the gourmet treat,” said Poobies of her household contribution. “Chicken parmesan chunks marinated with rum. The texture was divine: crisp around the edges but gooey in the center. Much better than those shriveled nuggets they try to pass off as beef.”

“When my people invite others over, it can be overwhelming, but it also means new eyes to marvel at my immaculate butthole. I also appreciate the food crumbs they leave around — they really help attract mice to tortu…,” Poobies said, leaving the conversation mid-word to watch what can only be assumed was a speck of dust floating in a corner.

At press time, residents were reportedly considering getting a dog to help clean up Poobie’s litter box.

Pedophile Gets Some Canvassing In for Bloomberg While He’s Already Going Door-to-Door

EL PASO, Texas — Convicted pedophile Marcus Fleming killed two birds with one stone earlier today when he canvassed for Michael Bloomberg during court-mandated neighborhood introductions, outraged sources confirmed.

“It just feels really good to be a part of the political process, doing the right thing,” said Fleming after being chased off another doorstep. “Bloomberg needs all the help he can get here in Texas and I want to be a part of changing people’s minds. I really want to drive home the point that Bloomberg is a man of the people — right after I inform them that I just moved into the neighborhood after being released from prison after six years for molesting a child.”

Fleming said that he’s all in for the former New York mayor now that he’s running. Before that, he was having a hard time deciding who to support.

“Technically I no longer have the right to vote, but I’m a lifelong Democrat, so I really didn’t want to see Donald Trump reelected,” Fleming explained. “But the issue I care about more than anything else is Jeffrey Epstein; I will only support a candidate who was personally good friends with him. In 2016, I had a Democrat on my side the whole race and now I finally have one for the 2020 election as well. Go Bloomberg!”

According to volunteers at Bloomberg’s El Paso campaign office, Fleming has been embraced with open arms.

“Look, we’ll take anyone we can get,” said a Bloomberg campaign strategist who wished to remain anonymous out of fear that their friends would find out they took this job. “Our big strategy right now is getting dying old people who spend all their time watching TV to vote for Mike Bloomberg due to that simply being the last name anyone said to them. But if we can get a bunch of people to say Bloomberg’s name to folks while they’re already going door-to-door, I think there’s a few hundred million dollars we can pour into a Pedophiles for Bloomberg plan.”

“Hell, we already had prisoners phone-bank for us,” they continued, “so it’s not like we’re above having government mandated Bloomberg volunteering. We encourage it.”

As of press time, Fleming was reportedly dismayed to discover that his polling place was within 150 feet of an elementary school.

34-Year-Old Little Brother Still Somehow Thinks Unplugged Controller Is Player 2

ITHACA, N.Y. — 34-year old Don Cotton is still easily tricked into thinking that he is playing a game while holding an unplugged controller, confused family members report.

“We were having some beers and I thought it’d be fun to show Donny my SNES Classic,” said Don’s older brother, Mark. “He got all excited and asked if we could play Donkey Kong Country, so I booted it up and gave him an unplugged controller as a goof, you know, for old time’s sake. The man didn’t even notice he wasn’t playing! He really thought he was controlling Diddy and just running right behind me. He should know better, right? The guy’s 34. Has kids. I’m kind of worried about him now.”

When asked about the night in question, Don confirmed his older brother’s suspicions and revealed that he thought he was in control of several different characters in the game, despite attempting to play it with a wireless Sony Dualshock 4. 

“Man, I forgot how fun it was to game with Mark,” he said. “It’s kind of crazy how in sync we are when we play. I’m always jumping right after he does and am never far behind. I think his SNES Classic is kind of weird though…there’s some kind of input lag when I try to jump or move sometimes. I do like that they let player two control the animals Donkey Kong finds in this version though.” 

Don’s eldest son, Richard, has stated that his father’s ineptitude isn’t limited to home consoles. 

“Yeah, my dad is a really sweet guy, but what a moron,” he said. “He tried to confiscate my phone one time so I just gave him an old iPod Nano I found and he kept it for two weeks. When he gave it back it was all sticky for some reason, too.” 

Don reportedly looks forward to playing more games with his big brother in the near future, but hopes that Mark improves so that he doesn’t need to “carry the team so much.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

There Are Only Two Genders and Please Stay and Argue With Me I’m So Lonely

Sorry to burst your fragile little bubbles but there are only two genders. You’re either a man or a woman. No non-binary, gender-fluid nonsense. Cased closed. You can use whatever pronouns you want but scientific facts don’t care about your feelings.

I bet that got you all super P.O.’ed, huh? You’re probably so infuriated you’ll spend at least 12 or 20 heated minutes engaging with me. Wait, you’re not? Where are you going?? Please come back and argue with me, I’m so fucking lonely!

Okay now that I’ve caught up with you, let’s continue. I already know what you’ll say. You’ll argue that I’m confusing “sex” and “gender,” or you’ll explain how gender is a social construct that doesn’t necessarily match one’s biological sex. How about I concede both those points from the start? Just please, stay and argue with me. I really shouldn’t be alone tonight.

Slow down, dude! Goddamn. You’re super fast by the way. Did you run track? This is also a conversation I’d be thrilled to have with you instead of the whole gender thing because, as you may recall, I am so alone.

I’m going to come clean here. I have no friends and I’m desperate for any sort of human interaction. I mean, obviously, right? A normal person doesn’t set up a card table at a university and begin shouting inflammatory things at passersby. I’m like a misbehaving child clinging to any scrap of attention I can get, negative or otherwise.

Really, I’ll vomit out whatever outlandish shit you want if it means you and I can have a few fleeting minutes of interpersonal interaction. Want me to call Obama a Kenyan Muslim? You got it. Pizzagate QAnon-whatever-the-fuck? Okie dokie! Of course, I’m not dumb enough to believe any of this crap. I just don’t know how to make friends like a normal person.

In fact, why don’t we put a little wager on this debate? If I win, you have to give me 30 seconds of uninterrupted eye contact. If you win, you can pat me on the back and tell me I’m good.

No? Fine, well how about a hug? Please hug me once and I’ll leave you alone.

Come on. Hug me, you liberal coward!

Mike Pence to Send All Infected Citizens to Coronavirus Conversion Therapy

WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence announced plans today to protect American citizens from the coronavirus by sending all infected to a faith-based conversion therapy treatment facility.

“President Trump made a great decision selecting me to lead the task force against the coronavirus,” said Pence rigidly. “I will see to it that all infected Americans get the help and counseling that they need. Though I must say, I’m extremely disappointed with those of you who have chosen to contract this disease, knowing full well that it is a sin and bad for our economy. Shame on you!”

Against the urging of his advisors, Pence has reportedly already personally visited several Americans who have contracted the disease.

“I was completely shocked when Vice President Pence walked into my quarantined hospital room,” explained Dave Bowers, a 24-year-old who tested positive for the coronavirus after a trip to Italy. “He was wearing a hazmat suit and clutching a pamphlet titled, ‘Don’t be Gay,’ but ‘Gay’ was crossed out and replaced with, ‘Get Coronavirus.’ When he left, one of his aides told me that the hazmat suit had nothing to do with trying to avoid infection, but that he always wears the suit when alone with another man.”

Several leading disease control specialists claimed that Pence lacks the technical expertise or rational mindset to handle his new role.

“Pence is completely obsessed with coronavirus, but in a really strange and deeply personal way,” confided Dr. Albert Howard, director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. “When he talks about it, he gets such a peculiar glint in his eyes and his face gets all red and flushed. It’s almost like he’s repressing a secret desire to contract the coronavirus himself.”

At press time, Pence was preparing for an appearance on “Fox & Friends” to reveal his plan to cure the virus with the two most powerful resources at our nation’s disposal: thoughts and prayers.

Dying Soldier Happy He Still Got Assist

URZIKSTAN — Coalition forces suffered heavy losses in a battle against local insurgent militias today, with SAS close-quarter combat specialist Sergeant Philip “Pip” Johnson being shot 48 times in the chest, extremities, face, and belly. However, the operator was reportedly psyched that he got an assist for shooting an enemy in the foot.

 “It was the rush of a lifetime — a lifetime which is quickly coming to an end,” Johnson said with his dying breaths. “I rounded a corner and saw an enemy standing there, so I unloaded my Glock’s entire 17-round magazine at him. One of the shots clipped his foot a little bit, and he even winced! Kind of makes this all sting a little less.” 

The insurgent returned fire, causing such devastation to Johnson’s body that he would have needed to be identified with dental records had reporters not surrounded him in his final moments. Johnson’s squadmates then eliminated the threat with several grenades before the shooter could escape.

 “Well, yes, they were the ones who actually killed the target. There is no denying that. But any damage done to an enemy who dies counts as an assist,” Johnson said with a smile on his barely-there face while trying to keep his intestines from poking out of his open wounds. “I definitely slowed him down. Tell my family I died a hero. Or at least an okay squadmate.”

Johnson succumbed to his wounds shortly thereafter. Friends and family have reported that he certainly would have been thrilled with his posthumous award of 26 points for his assist on the battlefield.

“Oh yeah, Pip would have loved that,” said his father, Norman Johnson. “He was always saying in his letters home that he wished he was getting more kills out there, but that assists can be satisfying, too. Knowing you’re making a difference and all that. He was hoping that if he strung enough assists, revives, and flag returns together he might get a promotion soon.”

As per Johnsons final wishes, his equipment and items of clothing were distributed evenly amongst the rest of his platoon.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Game Changer: Sex After Marriage Advocate Jason Vorhees Backs Trump in 2020

The Trump train keeps barreling towards 2020! Along with record job creation and the highest poll ratings in Presidential history we continue to get support from yet another of our country’s great success stories. In our continuing from America’s moral majority we are proud to announce an endorsement from legendary Sex After Marriage advocate Jason Vorhees.

In is home state of New Jersey Mr. Vorhees has dedicated his life, and then some, to his dire commitment to stopping premarital sex. Just like our great President Trump, Jason has not been afraid to take a fight head on and never been afraid to get his hands dirty. He has literally used every tool in his tool-shed to stop the youth of America from going down the dark road of premarital sex. President Trump could not be more ecstatic to have Mr. Vorhees on his MAGA team.

Beyond the premarital sex issue, Jason has long been a supporter of a wide spectrum of conservative values. He fully believes that a child belongs with his mother. Jason has been nothing but hand on showing that drug usage means certain death for all involved. Jason knows the value of a quiet rural life. And he also knows the value of being able to ruthlessly execute a trespasser on private family property. All ideals that this great country was built on.

Oh sure, the Libs like Tommy Jarvis are going to try to drag up Jason’s past. They will claim that he handled things too harshly. Ha! Hardly. I mean, where were those camp counselors while Jason was swimming in the lake? Are we just supposed to forget the abuse he endured? The Dems will also point out the endorsement was written in blood across the Camp Crystal Lake sign. Uh…excuse me, Mr. Vorhees is a mute. How else was he supposed to communicate to the world that he knows who the greatest president in history is? It’s just like a snowflake to make fun of a handicapped person. Once again proving we are the party of compassion.

So let’s all send all our thoughts and prayers to Jason Vorhees. Because with Donald Trump back in the White House we can have a nation of Jason’s finally able to be free to MAGA. God Bless America!

To quote the cryptic, ambient chant permeating the woods of Crystal Lake, “T-t-t, rump-rump-rump”

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.