Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Massive Backlog of Back Stabbings Paralyzes Hardcore Street Justice System

Posted on March 3, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — A recent report from Overpower-Overcome Enterprises found that last year’s inordinate number of backstabbings ground the hardcore scene’s street justice system to a complete halt.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my life,” said longtime street justice enforcer Vinny “Dead Leg” Desouza. “We got a bunch of bitch-asses running around like they own this town. They’re on your Facebook and on your Twitter, talking a bunch of shit like they aren’t about to get their jaws cracked. Unfortunately, there are just so many little punks in line to get introduced to the business end of my boot that it could be two years before anyone gets their ass beat, and by that time, they could have already moved to Los Angeles.”

Victims of the backstabbings hold out hope that retribution is coming for those that wronged them.

“I was hoping for a swift and speedy trial when it came to my case — my supposed best friend said I broke edge on a message board, and when I confronted him, he denied it,” said a young man who asked to remain anonymous. “I tried to enlist some of the more intimidating crews in town to help me tool on this guy, but they all told me they were backed up on beatdowns and expected to be busy until 2024.”

Some critics believe the backlog is a manufactured problem in order to keep people in the scene scared.

“There is no shortage of goons who wouldn’t mind throwing some bass player through a wall because he stole $100 from the band fund, so it’s not an issue of manpower,” said vocal street justice reformer Edwin Truss. “A person who fears getting jumped at a show by a face-tattooed guy in baggy jeans and a tight black tank top is a person who isn’t going to show their face very often and lay low. It’s a way of controlling the population without getting your hands dirty. Personally, I’d like to see us go back to the old school days of street justice, where as soon as you talked shit, you would get hit, and we could all move on as a society.”

Local law enforcement officials said they plan on continuing to look the other way during any acts of street justice, just as long as they don’t have to fill out any paperwork.

Delayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally Shipping

Posted on March 2, 2020 by David Sitrick

NEW YORK — Pathogen enthusiasts across the United States received good news yesterday, as global health officials announced that delayed Coronavirus preorders were finally arriving.

Anticipation has been high for the boutique new pandemic, which reimagines the familiar action loops of the common cold or flu through the narrative lens of xenophobia and class warfare.

“We’ve been sold out of preorders for three weeks,” said one Brooklyn GameStop manager under the condition of anonymity. “No one’s been in here and we’ve been sold out of everything for three weeks. Our store’s closing. I’d check Target.”

Unfortunately, it seems even the successful big box retailers are having trouble meeting demand for the controversial virus.

As Target Supply Chain Manager Mandy Drummond explained, “Our whole supply chain has been thrown out of whack. I haven’t seen anything like this, that hits just as hard in rural Trump country as it does with anti-vaxxinistas. I’m doing everything I can. I’m on the phone every day pleading with factories in China, Korea, Malaysia, Mexico, even here in the US, saying ‘Please, pack the factory conditions tighter. Get the workers to sleep less. Lock the bathrooms. The world is aching for this virus and we need it now.’”

Scarcity has only intensified demand for Coronavirus in the U.S., which has seen exploding interest across the country.

“I feel like we’ve really overstated how afraid we need to be of disease in general,” said Tonya Wainwright, a Fitness Coach at an Orange Theory in San Jose. “Humans create all the natural antibodies we need. Exposure to these things is good. If my twin toddlers don’t experience the frailty of a diseased form now in their most formative years, how can I expect them to empathize with and be gentle to the life force that binds us all together? I won’t rob them of that moment, not when I can just scream at any Asian person I see not wearing a respirator mask.”

“I’ve been waiting for this virus for years,” says Tom McGinley, who owns a Ford dealership in Osseo, Wisconsin. “We’ve been stockpiling cans, water, ammunition. I’ve conditioned the horses for distance runs in case crude oil runs dry,” he said before sneezing directly into his cell phone. “My kids all know how to shoot. Some Coronavirus zombie comes knocking at our panic room door looking for scraps, medical aid, or a GoFundMe donation, we all know exactly what to do: aim for the head.”

As of press time, Democrats announced they were hoping to work with developers to get the Coronavirus Vaccine DLC out soon and at an “affordable price.”

Bag of Drugs Get Through Security Line Without Having Phish Fan Confiscated

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

COMMERCE CITY, Co. — A bag of drugs successfully made it through a concert security line early yesterday afternoon without the Phish fan in which it was stashed being confiscated, stoned sources confirmed.

“Oh, dude… that was a close one. I almost didn’t make it. I forgot she had a chapstick in her pocket when they were like, ‘Take everything out of your pockets,’ and they got super suspicious,” said the bag of four joints, some mushrooms, and two hits of acid, while regaining composure by the merch booth. “I mean, look — I get that we all want to be safe, but I’m seeing those in front of me get busted, and it’s nerve-wracking and heartbreaking. They’re just holding Phish fans; they’re not endangering anyone.”

“There was once a time when you could just walk into a show with a Phish fan in hand, and you’d be fine. Now you have to buy that underwear with the stash pouches,” the bag added. “But that’s the War on Phish Fans for you.”

Concert security confirmed they’d confiscated at least two dozen Phish fans, and were planning on discarding them in the parking lot of a local CBD industry trade show.

“We have a very strict venue policy of no Phish fans,” said Sgt. Wilson of the Commerce City PD, who also leads the venue security patrol. “They end up wandering around, getting stuck in the nets around the stage or trying to buy nitrous from the merch booth. Their natural environment is either outside or a dispensary — Phish fans know they don’t belong here. But the chase is kinda fun. They even enjoy being caught: it gives them a reason to call our security guards ‘narcs.’”

However, other concertgoers didn’t find themselves as lucky.

“It was all those hat pins, dude… those metal detector wands found me right away. It’s a bummer,” said a pack of glowsticks that didn’t make it inside.” Maybe things would’ve been different had I found a Metallica fan to sneak me into a construction trade show or something. I could totally help the vibe there: metal fans could throw me during the peak of ‘Turn the Page.’”

The bag of drugs was last seen handing out the Phish fan’s phone number, hooking up other contraband in need of smuggling.

Glitched Sock Clips Through Dryer and Despawns

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

MINNEAPOLIS — A customer at a local laundromat, Jane Garrison, claims that one of her socks experienced a physics glitch in a dryer, causing it to clip out of bounds and eventually despawn.

“I don’t know why I keep coming here, this is so annoying,” Garrison said as she folded the clothes of hers that hadn’t been lost, “I’ve tried washing single pairs of socks with loads of bigger pieces of clothing but the same thing always happens and it’s always the left sock, oddly enough. Don’t get me wrong, this is overall a very good dryer, but these glitches sure do take away from the experience, if I’m being honest.”

Whirlpool, who manufactured the dryer unit in question, defended the release of a defective product which some are alleging is “unfinished.”

“You have to understand that there’s a lot of complex physics at play during the drying cycle,” said Colin Lang, a spokesman for Whirlpool. “There could be anywhere from 10 to 30 separate objects in that small space, all being jostled around and pressed against the walls of the cylinder. We put as many precautions into it as we can, but we’re never going to be able to prevent 100% of articles of clothing from having strange and unscripted interactions with the environment. We knew this dryer was a little buggy, but we decided to ship it anyway instead of delaying its release.”

An outspoken group of concerned launderers have been lobbying online for respawn triggers to be implemented under all laundromats, but so far their requests have been dismissed by the laundry industry.

“We’ve been lucky that it’s only been socks thus far,” said Gordon Reese, a popular YouTube laundry personality. “If a person was close by when it happened, there’s no telling if their hitbox could get caught and dragged to a death zone. The laundry industry needs to address this immediately but they’re too busy shaking you down for quarters at the laundromat.”

At press time, Whirlpool had announced that any users experiencing sock glitches are eligible to receive three free months of Whirlpool Premium, the streaming service the company launched last year.

Uh Oh: That Band You Like Just Discovered the ’80s

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Michael Luis

“Oh shit,” you say to yourself. “It can’t be.” You’ve just checked out your favorite band’s new music video, and yup, that’s a keytar. The singer is wearing a puffy shirt and the bassist is wearing Macho Man sunglasses. It happened: your favorite band just discovered the ’80s.

Don’t panic. That said, you should totally panic. This sucks and comes as a complete shock. Sure, you speculated something was up when you saw their drummer wearing a Pet Shop Boys shirt in their latest promo photo but you thought maybe he was just being ironic. Well you thought wrong because that very same drummer has clearly replaced his rack tom with an octagonal beat pad.

You don’t like the new song. Not one bit. The singer has replaced his trademark scream with some Devo-influenced yelp and there’s a weird cowbell sample in the bridge. “Maybe it’s just a fun single to make new fans,” you think to yourself. “The rest of the album could be normal.” You read a new interview with the singer to try and calm your concerns.

He keeps saying things like “re-define our sound”, “try new instrumentation”, and “think outside the box.” You want to puke. They’re the band that made you fall in love with punk. They can’t be doing this! However, you remind yourself that you’ve been okay with this before.

You dug that Charly Bliss album from last year and you’ve spent hours defending Ceremony on r/hardcore. You also didn’t mind when Bleached ditched garage rock for disco-funk and that Paramore LP from 2017 sound-tracked a summer fling! It could be worse. At least they’re putting out a new album!

But then the pessimism kicks in. “This is an epidemic,” you think to yourself. Even fucking Pearl Jam is recycling Talking Heads grooves. You want to shout “kill the keyboard!” from the rooftops. You scroll through your Facebook feed to numb the pain and a post catches your eye.

A few dudes from one of your favorite defunct hardcore bands have emerged in a new project. It’s this band’s lyrics that introduced you to straight edge and they had some of the most brutal riffs you’ve ever heard. You click on the Bandcamp link shivering with excitement. It’s a shoegaze band.

You place your headphones on your desk and crawl back into bed. That’s enough new music for one day.

Pornhub Video Ruined By Mike Bloomberg Ad

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

DENVER — Local pornography enthusiast Brett Wallace was caught off guard moments ago by an advertisement for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg while watching a video on Pornhub.com, completely neutralizing Wallace’s boner at the moment.

“I had my whole setup in place — tissues, headphones, the works,” said Wallace from his darkened bedroom. “I spent 30 minutes finding the right video, and then right as it was getting good, some wrinkly old billionaire pops up on the screen talking about how he was friends with Obama once. I’ve watched some weird shit before, but this was not what I had in mind when I searched ‘Interracial.’”

Pornhub officials report a sharp increase in Bloomberg ad content in the last few weeks, as the Bloomberg campaign is making a big push for the Democratic presidential nomination.

“We’ve tried to shut down as many ads as possible, but that guy just keeps buying more under different accounts,” said Pornhub community manager Alyssa Bergman. “The dude won’t even pay for a Pornhub Premium account, but he’s literally bought ads that just say, ‘I’m a billionaire, try and stop me.’ We’re really worried that he’s gonna start doing live cam shows for votes, and we’ll be powerless to stop him.”

When reached for comment, the Bloomberg campaign sent a press release detailing their aggressive approach to viral digital marketing.

“Mike Bloomberg has built his entire career by taking risks and thinking outside the box. That same attitude has fueled his campaign to purchase advertising literally everywhere it’s available,” the statement read. “We hope this new ad strategy will make viewers ‘Stop’ before they get ‘Frisk’-y and consider voting for Bloomberg this November, or at least write a few think-pieces that give us some free coverage. #Bloomberg2020;”

After finding nearly every video he clicked on riddled with Bloomberg ads, a frustrated Wallace reportedly switched from Pornhub to Furrypalace.com, where he found an entire front page plastered with Bloomberg-sponsored furry porn.

I Bet You Wouldn’t Expect Me, a Mother of Three, to Be Interested in Such a Hardcore Band Like Maroon 5

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Rachel Steele

I’m not like other moms, you know. Sure, I pick up my kids from soccer practice on Thursday afternoons, and every night I cook for my family before watching an episode of ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ but I also have a wild side.

When I wind down at the end of a long week, sometimes I have two glasses of wine instead of one, and if I’m feeling really wild, I don’t add any ice. Normally, I like to play music while I relax, and I bet you would expect me to be like one of those other moms who listen to that weak sauce like Celine Dion, or smooth jazz, or ABBA. In reality, I listen to real hardcore rock and roll, and my favorite is Maroon 5.

Who could forget such killer, head-banging hits from their 2002 album ‘Songs About Jane?’ I’ll tell you, if I was the Jane to Maroon 5’s Adam Levine, it’ll get harder and harder to breathe in the backseat of my Honda Odyssey.

I know what you’re thinking, “How could she be into Adam Levine? He’s so badass! I thought moms liked older, lamer rock stars, like Sting or Lionel Richie!” Well, like I said before, I’m way more hardcore than other moms you’ve ever met.

My teenage son even calls me a poser because I would look so great posing for a rock and roll magazine! When your teenage son thinks you’re cool, then you know it must be true!

Maroon 5 may be my favorite hardcore band, but I have other rock and roll tastes, too. Another band that really gets my blood pumping is Imagine Dragons, they’re definitely my favorite metal band on the radio nowadays. Also, if I’m looking for a real bangin’ rock and roll anthem, I always turn to Coldplay. Of course, I frequently reach out to the punk genre, my favorite is definitely Daft Punk.

So are we gonna fuck or what?

Crust Punk Who Passes out at Party Wakes up With Their Face Tattoo of a Dick Covered Up

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Ryan Werner

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Local crust punk Elliot Schreiber had the dick tattoo on his face completely blacked out by pranksters early this morning after passing out at a house party, confirmed multiple witnesses who believe the look is an upgrade.

“It’s fucking embarrassing to be treated like this after all I’ve done for the scene,” said Schreiber, guitarist for the crust punk band Septic Jesus. “So, yeah, I drank too much and fell asleep in the grass. I know the rules, but some things are sacred — I didn’t let my buddy Gator give me this stick-and-poke cock on my cheek so I could be disrespected.”

Sources report Schreiber drank a pink liquid out of a chipped Goldschläger bottle that kept cutting open the sores around his mouth throughout the night.

“‘Smelliot’ was definitely on one last night. Usually he can hold his alcohol, but that syrup shit he was drinking got him really fucked up,” said partygoer Maggie Robbs, referring to Elliot by his street name. “One minute he’s fine, sharing a dumpstered pie with the dog… and the next minute he’s all splayed out, with half his body sticking out from under a rail car. I heard someone say they had a marker, but I was trying to figure out how to put studs on my IUD, so I don’t know who it was.”

“Dr. Toilet,” a midwestern crustie anthropologist, was asked to investigate the blacked-out tattoo.

“I’ve seen parties like this before, and pranks like this are quite common,” Dr. Toilet said, snorting a line of his own dandruff. “People wake up in shame over having their identities compromised. For a guy like him, who really would give any Infest tribute band the shirt off his back if he actually had another shirt to wear, it’s not just a face tattoo of a dick — it’s a statement of intent.”

Schreiber was last seen adding pubic hair at the base of the shaft of his dick tattoo, so as to appear more intimidating to would-be vandals.

Buttigieg Quietly Drops Out After Realizing He’s Been Running for Wrong Party Whole Time

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Shea Strauss

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Mayor Pete Buttigieg held a press conference today to announce the end of his presidential campaign after realizing he was not running as a conservative party candidate.

“We ask that you please respect Pete’s privacy during this embarrassing time,” said a spokesperson for the Pete 2020 campaign. “Anyone could have made this human error. With their history, how was he supposed to know which party was the correct, more racist one? ‘Republican’ versus ‘Democrat,’ it’s all very confusing on an Indiana school education. Before you criticize him, keep in mind that Mayor Pete is a veteran. And we all know his service gives him a free pass on all past and future mistakes.”

Other Democratic candidates confirmed they were not surprised to hear the news.

“I wondered what he was doing on the Democratic stage,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. I didn’t want to embarrass him on a national stage, and after all I’m a Democratic Socialist. But even for a spineless neoliberal, it was clear the guy was in the wrong place. I made several gestures to subtly such as saying ‘you remind me of Ronald Reagan’ to get him to notice he was in the wrong political ideology for the primaries, but he kept just doing finger guns back.”

The Republican National Convention was thrilled to accept Buttigieeg into their party.

“We’re delighted to have Mayor Pete join our ranks,” said the RNC spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany, while gently caressing a pile of money from gun lobbyists. “It is a huge relief to have a potential candidate who doesn’t instantly read as a cartoon super villain. He’s perfect for a 2024 presidential bid, once we take care of the little ‘Chasten problem.’”

At press time, Buttigieg was preparing to receive the Medal of National Honor from President Trump for Buttigieg’s service of stepping down from running as a Democratic opponent.

Defiant XFL Player Kneels During Ceremonial Playing of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Intro Music

Posted on March 1, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

CARSON, Calif. — Tampa Bay Vipers stand-out kicker Andrew Franks outraged fans and pundits last week after refusing to stand for Stone Cold Steve Austin’s theme song, “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me,” multiple screaming sources confirmed.

“This is a massive disgrace to the game of football and to this country as a whole,” said XFL commissioner Oliver “The Demented Dentist” Luck. “It’s a time-honored tradition that you stand up and go nuts every time you hear the trademark shattering of the glass that precipitates the arrival of the Texas Rattlesnake. I want to personally apologize to Mr. Austin and all the brave souls who have stepped into the squared circle with him and fell victim to a devastating Stone Cold Stunner.”

Many fans threw trash and half-eaten hot dogs at the kicker during his act of protest.

“I haven’t been this upset since Shawn Michaels hit Marty Jannetty with the Sweet Chin Music back in 1992. Some things are sacred, and traditions like these make me proud to be an American,” said former Vipers fan Gus Tumpkin. “My kids and I have been diehard Vipers supporters ever since the XFL reboot was announced last year. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain that one of their heroes is worse than The Iron Sheik and Ted DiBiase combined.”

Further outraging critics, Franks violently attacked DC Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones with a steel chair during a post-game interview before stealing the mic.

“Hey, America! It’s me, Andrew ‘Golden Toe’ Franks — all the men want to be me, and all the women want to be with me,” said Franks straight to camera. “If you thought today was bad, wait until you see what I have in store for next week. Not only will I hit the game-winning field goal, but I plan on marrying Wildcats cheerleader Rebecca Beckers during the half-time break.”

“And there ain’t nothing you can do about it,” he added before throwing the microphone to the floor.

In related news, members of the Houston Roughnecks reportedly plan on mounting a similar protest by turning their backs to the big screen during the ceremonial playing of Hulk Hogan’s “I Am A Real American.”

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