NEW YORK — Pathogen enthusiasts across the United States received good news yesterday, as global health officials announced that delayed Coronavirus preorders were finally arriving.
Anticipation has been high for the boutique new pandemic, which reimagines the familiar action loops of the common cold or flu through the narrative lens of xenophobia and class warfare.
“We’ve been sold out of preorders for three weeks,” said one Brooklyn GameStop manager under the condition of anonymity. “No one’s been in here and we’ve been sold out of everything for three weeks. Our store’s closing. I’d check Target.”
Unfortunately, it seems even the successful big box retailers are having trouble meeting demand for the controversial virus.
As Target Supply Chain Manager Mandy Drummond explained, “Our whole supply chain has been thrown out of whack. I haven’t seen anything like this, that hits just as hard in rural Trump country as it does with anti-vaxxinistas. I’m doing everything I can. I’m on the phone every day pleading with factories in China, Korea, Malaysia, Mexico, even here in the US, saying ‘Please, pack the factory conditions tighter. Get the workers to sleep less. Lock the bathrooms. The world is aching for this virus and we need it now.’”
Scarcity has only intensified demand for Coronavirus in the U.S., which has seen exploding interest across the country.
“I feel like we’ve really overstated how afraid we need to be of disease in general,” said Tonya Wainwright, a Fitness Coach at an Orange Theory in San Jose. “Humans create all the natural antibodies we need. Exposure to these things is good. If my twin toddlers don’t experience the frailty of a diseased form now in their most formative years, how can I expect them to empathize with and be gentle to the life force that binds us all together? I won’t rob them of that moment, not when I can just scream at any Asian person I see not wearing a respirator mask.”
“I’ve been waiting for this virus for years,” says Tom McGinley, who owns a Ford dealership in Osseo, Wisconsin. “We’ve been stockpiling cans, water, ammunition. I’ve conditioned the horses for distance runs in case crude oil runs dry,” he said before sneezing directly into his cell phone. “My kids all know how to shoot. Some Coronavirus zombie comes knocking at our panic room door looking for scraps, medical aid, or a GoFundMe donation, we all know exactly what to do: aim for the head.”
As of press time, Democrats announced they were hoping to work with developers to get the Coronavirus Vaccine DLC out soon and at an “affordable price.”