SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Mayor Pete Buttigieg held a press conference today to announce the end of his presidential campaign after realizing he was not running as a conservative party candidate.
“We ask that you please respect Pete’s privacy during this embarrassing time,” said a spokesperson for the Pete 2020 campaign. “Anyone could have made this human error. With their history, how was he supposed to know which party was the correct, more racist one? ‘Republican’ versus ‘Democrat,’ it’s all very confusing on an Indiana school education. Before you criticize him, keep in mind that Mayor Pete is a veteran. And we all know his service gives him a free pass on all past and future mistakes.”
Other Democratic candidates confirmed they were not surprised to hear the news.
“I wondered what he was doing on the Democratic stage,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. I didn’t want to embarrass him on a national stage, and after all I’m a Democratic Socialist. But even for a spineless neoliberal, it was clear the guy was in the wrong place. I made several gestures to subtly such as saying ‘you remind me of Ronald Reagan’ to get him to notice he was in the wrong political ideology for the primaries, but he kept just doing finger guns back.”
The Republican National Convention was thrilled to accept Buttigieeg into their party.
“We’re delighted to have Mayor Pete join our ranks,” said the RNC spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany, while gently caressing a pile of money from gun lobbyists. “It is a huge relief to have a potential candidate who doesn’t instantly read as a cartoon super villain. He’s perfect for a 2024 presidential bid, once we take care of the little ‘Chasten problem.’”
At press time, Buttigieg was preparing to receive the Medal of National Honor from President Trump for Buttigieg’s service of stepping down from running as a Democratic opponent.