Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Defiant XFL Player Kneels During Ceremonial Playing of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Intro Music

Posted on March 1, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

CARSON, Calif. — Tampa Bay Vipers stand-out kicker Andrew Franks outraged fans and pundits last week after refusing to stand for Stone Cold Steve Austin’s theme song, “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me,” multiple screaming sources confirmed.

“This is a massive disgrace to the game of football and to this country as a whole,” said XFL commissioner Oliver “The Demented Dentist” Luck. “It’s a time-honored tradition that you stand up and go nuts every time you hear the trademark shattering of the glass that precipitates the arrival of the Texas Rattlesnake. I want to personally apologize to Mr. Austin and all the brave souls who have stepped into the squared circle with him and fell victim to a devastating Stone Cold Stunner.”

Many fans threw trash and half-eaten hot dogs at the kicker during his act of protest.

“I haven’t been this upset since Shawn Michaels hit Marty Jannetty with the Sweet Chin Music back in 1992. Some things are sacred, and traditions like these make me proud to be an American,” said former Vipers fan Gus Tumpkin. “My kids and I have been diehard Vipers supporters ever since the XFL reboot was announced last year. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain that one of their heroes is worse than The Iron Sheik and Ted DiBiase combined.”

Further outraging critics, Franks violently attacked DC Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones with a steel chair during a post-game interview before stealing the mic.

“Hey, America! It’s me, Andrew ‘Golden Toe’ Franks — all the men want to be me, and all the women want to be with me,” said Franks straight to camera. “If you thought today was bad, wait until you see what I have in store for next week. Not only will I hit the game-winning field goal, but I plan on marrying Wildcats cheerleader Rebecca Beckers during the half-time break.”

“And there ain’t nothing you can do about it,” he added before throwing the microphone to the floor.

In related news, members of the Houston Roughnecks reportedly plan on mounting a similar protest by turning their backs to the big screen during the ceremonial playing of Hulk Hogan’s “I Am A Real American.”

Straight Edge Kid Blows Clean, Breathable Air Into Cat’s Ear

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Doug Francisco

BOULDER, Colo. — Straight edge kid Patrick Cohen attempted to make his cat Bucket alert and calm Tuesday afternoon by blowing fresh mountain air into her ears, even-keeled sources report.

“I love to see my cat when she has full control over her motor functions. She’s just really stable and has great reflexes,” said Cohen from his modest apartment. “Watching her catch her stringy toy in mid-air like a little jaguar is the highlight of my day. Sometimes I’ll have friends over, and we’ll put on a Youth of Today album, and take turns blowing in her ear just to see how normal she is. It’s hilarious.”

Putting cats into an altered state is a popular activity amongst some cat owners, with one study finding that nearly every punk house in the United States has at least one resident that tries to get the resident cat high.

“Cats are maniacs, man… just look at them as soon as they get within 10 feet of catnip. They’re straight-up junkies,” said local crust punk and cat owner Angie “Pumpkin” O’Hara. “Every cat I’ve ever met wants to get fucked up. I think it’s animal abuse when these straight edge pricks force their cat to be stone-cold sober all the time — these are the same type of people who train their cat to use a toilet.”

Dr. Marsha Freeman of Boston’s Angell Animal Medical Center warns against the dangers of giving your cat too clear of a mind.

“Too much time in an alert state can be bad for cats, and blowing clean air in their ears doesn’t necessarily have the desired effect. It’s a common myth that blowing straight edge air in your cat’s ears makes them more sharp,” she explained. “If anything, it just makes them respect you less for acting foolishly. Cats should spend as much time as possible being stupid and confused. It’s just what’s healthy for them.”

For Cohen’s part, he doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon — in fact, he’s doubling down, and will allegedly let his dog drink root beer spilled on the floor. “I know the sugar’s bad for him or whatever,” said Cohen, “but you can tell he loves the buzz.”

Someone Needs to Tell These Problematic ’90s Movies That It’s 2020

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Collin Canning

2020 marks the start of a golden age of acceptance and social progression. But along with progress, we must also seek reflection. We need to identify our previously held problematic beliefs and atone for the betterment of all people and many of us are doing so. But you know who hasn’t? Fucking ’90s movies.

That’s right. This week, we went back to revisit some of our favorite films from our youth and we are shocked and appalled at how insensitive and offensive they turned out to be. In this day and age there’s no excuse for these classic films to be so tone deaf. Let’s break down some of our favorite films made over 20 years ago that absolutely refuse to get with the times.

Dazed and Confused (1993)
This cult hit by Richard Linklater was a smash success and was the breakout vehicle for many big name actors we all love today. But there is a darker side to this seemingly innocuous tale about teenage substance abuse and sexual manipulation. Matthew McConaughey’s iconic character is a fun-loving chill dude at first glance and the line “I get older, they stay the same age” is a classic, but has anyone ever taken the time to consider the implications of this quote? 2020 has a different attitude towards sex and power dynamics and this movie needs to get with the times, yet no matter how many times we watch it, they repeat the exact same problematic behavior! You’re on notice, Dazed and Confused.

American Beauty (1999)
Again, another hit movie with deeply troubling undertones. I haven’t watched it but I looked at the DVD cover and saw that it stars KEVIN SPACEY?! It boggles the mind how in the year 2020, such a prolific abuser is allowed to star in this 1999 film. American Beauty, you are CANCELLED.

Clueless (1995)
We remember this one as our favorite film growing up. We remember all the Clueless-themed sleepovers and birthday parties. However, looking back, there are several issues with this problematic fave. Notably, the use of the “r-slur.” In 2020, sensitivity towards mental illness and disability is finally becoming commonplace, which makes you wonder what kind of brain-dead moron decided it was okay to use this language in a movie (and a comedy movie at that!). It’s crazy insane to make light of such things and, frankly, it’s a bit psycho. Sidenote: the continuity errors in this film really trigger my self-diagnosed OCD, LOL!

Honorable Mentions: Ace Ventura, Clerks, The Mask, Chasing Amy. The list goes on. All these classic movies seem to have their morals planted firmly in the past and frankly we’re tired of hearing excuses. Do better, 90’s! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to prepare for our review of some classic ’90s gangsta rap albums. Should be a nice palate cleanser for the problematic taste those movies left in our mouth.

Woman Doesn’t Have Enough Friends to Be Considered Social Smoker

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Dom Turek

MOAB, Utah — Local woman and alleged 10-year “social smoker” Keria Morley has virtually no known social life outside of walking her neighbor’s dog occasionally, according to sources not close to the woman.

“I don’t have an addictive personality, but I’ve always liked the social aspect of smoking,” exhaled lone-standing social smoker Morley. “Usually this patio is completely packed with my friends — of which I have tons, trust me — but everyone’s still in the bar because they decided to be lame and give up cigarettes for the New Year. Classic friends, am I right?”

Many confirmed they’ve seen Morley smoke, but never among friends — including co-worker Josh Reyes, whom Morely claimed she’s “pretty tight with” and “thinks there might be something there, actually.”

“Who?” asked Reyes of the woman who listed him as her emergency contact for the last two years. “Oh, Keira? Yeah, I think she let me use her lighter a couple of times. She’s alright, I guess.”

While doctors are undecided about what makes a social smoker “social,” most medical professionals agree it requires having at least three friends and the ability to engage in conversation for the duration it takes to smoke one cigarette.

“You should never lie to your doctor when asked about the social element of your smoking habits,” said Dr. Sheila Perkins, Morley’s primary care physician. “Some people are just more socially apt than others, which is nothing to be ashamed of. At one point when I was taking her weight, she nervously interrupted me to ask me how much I weighed, which is when I realized she’s probably more of an anti-social smoker… or maybe a smoker you think of occasionally and mean to check in with via Facebook messenger but ultimately don’t, at best.”

At press time, Morley was eagerly offering cigarettes to teenagers at a Walgreens parking lot in exchange for some light banter.

We Interviewed Former Blink Drummer Scott Raynor and Think He’s Got a Great Chance Getting Hired at Our Call Center

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Mark Maira

We just had one of the coolest experiences when we got an exclusive interview with Scott Raynor. That’s right THE Scott Raynor. The former Blink-182 drummer from their “Cheshire Cat” and “Dude Ranch” era. He was funny, charming, and still has his chops as a drummer. We think he’s got a real shot at getting hired here at the Dial America, San Marcos!

Not only is this guy one of most influential drummers of early pop-punk, he’s honestly overqualified for the job. He’s worked at AnswerPlus, Concentrix, Customer Calls Incorporated, and Easy Call Systems. All the top call centers in the Southern California region. The man has a good 25-30 years of solid call center experience. He’s a freaking shoo-in AND he played for Blink-182!

It’s so perfect because a lot of what we are currently doing is selling Sirius XM subscriptions by cold calling former Hyundai lease owners and seeing if they want to continue their service. If we end up hiring him after this interview, he’s literally going to be selling a product that plays all the hits from a band he used to be in. When we told him that he said “Oh” and I think he really meant it.

We talked with our manager and we really think Scott is going to end up working here. Even though it did get a little awkward when we asked him one of our standard interviewing questions about how he dealt with “missed opportunities in his professional life.” He was very polite though. He had to take a minute to collect himself but once he did he told us all about regretting drinking too much and getting fired by Easy Call Systems.

Punk Uses Floss To Fix Everything But Gum Disease

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — 26-year old DIY punk and scene fixture Jax Williamson will use dental floss to fix almost anything other than their oral hygiene and gum health, intrigued but disgusted sources confirm.

“I got into floss because someone told me to use it to put patches on my jacket, because of how much stronger it is than thread. I just fell in love with it after that,” said Williamson, whose gums started to bleed due to the friction of their lips while talking. “I’ve used it to fix pants, keep my dog’s leash attached to his collar, and even fix a leak in my kitchen sink… but never in my mouth. Yeah, I’ve tried it a couple of times, but it just felt like I was jamming a live wire between my teeth, which was not cool.”

Rachel Stewart, a longtime friend of Williamson, was unsurprised by the self-diagnosis.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never seen them brush their teeth, either — and they’ve crashed at my place after we’ve been out drinking a couple of times in the last year,” said Stewart. “I figured it was just one of those things they didn’t do because they were drunk… you know, like how sometimes you pass out with your boots on? It’s getting gross, though: last time we had corn on the cob, there was so much blood it looked like a scene from a horror movie.”

Experts — namely, Williamson’s dentist and father, Dr. Brian Williamson — expressed a great deal of frustration with Jax’s dental hygiene.

“They ‘think’ they ‘might’ have gum disease? No, I told Jax it’s a guarantee they have gum disease, and they need to floss starting yesterday if they want a full mouth of teeth by age 40,” said Dr. Williamson. “I don’t know what the deal is with pretending they don’t have access to adequate healthcare, but you’d better believe I’m going to give them a piece of my mind as soon as they get home for their mother’s birthday.”

Jax has since confirmed they will not adopt a stronger dental hygiene routine, as they are confident their father and dentist will fix their teeth free of charge, regardless.

New Indie Game Just Lets You Lay in a Damn Field for a While, Doesn’t That Sound Nice?

Posted on March 1, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — An upcoming minmalist independent game, fields, imagines an open world where you forgo any exploration whatsoever and just like, fucking chill out for a couple of days and lay on the ground instead. Sounds pretty good, if I’m being honest.

“Game developing is hard, dude,” said Solomon Ludd, a game developer that had recently quit his job with a triple A company to make games on his own. “And guess what? I want to get off of work at a decent hour every day, so this game is just laying in a field, okay? There’s no scores or enemies or inventory. You really just choose face up or down and that’s about it.”

The new game, due sometime “this year I guess,” recently gained a lot of attention after a demo was positively received by fans and critics alike. The overriding consensus is that like, I don’t know, sometimes it’s pretty chill to just kind of fuck off for a while.

“This is the game of the year, easily,” said popular YouTube personality Gabriel “Bonebot” Spitzley. “It doesn’t have the bells and whistles of most other games, but I’m not going to lie, spending hours laying on my damn ass in a field and not worrying about fuck else is the most thrilling escape I’ve had in years.”

The project initially started as a more ambitious simulation game that tasked the player with building a functioning farm and subsequent shipping business, but eventually evolved into its current state, which sees the player mostly just laying around in a series of fields, ranging from wheat to grass.

“There were a few things I wanted to put in there, even after I decided to scale it back,” Ludd said. “But then it came time to do animation tests and motion capture and all that, and I wasted a lot of precious programming time laying in real fields. It was nice, man.”

Ludd has hinted at a possible nighttime mode for the game once it is released in full, “if anyone feels like modding that in or whatever.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Supposed Metal Band Doesn’t Even Have “Controversy” Section On Wikipedia Page

Posted on February 29, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

CLEVELAND — Alleged metal band Gore God are under scrutiny from the worldwide heavy metal community today after it was discovered they don’t have a “Controversy” subheading on their Wikipedia page.

“It’s not our fault. We’re really trying,” said Jason Campos, Gore God’s frontman. “We play the heaviest music you ever heard, with the most disgusting lyrics about disemboweling women and children… but somehow, we can’t seem to offend anyone. We even have a song called ‘Bring Back Hitler,’ but everyone thought we were being sarcastic in an Anal Cunt sort of way.”

“Last month, our bassist tried to burn down a church,” Campos added, “but the kindling was wet, so it never caught fire… and then he got scared away by a dog he heard barking nearby.”

Specifically, the local, Cleveland-area metal scene largely believes the band is “full of posers” who don’t actually wish to maim anyone.

“Gore God? Look, even if their music is heavy, they’re some of the softest dudes around,” said local metalhead Eddie Mclaughlin. “They’ve never been accused of flipping a tour bus while drunk, no misogyny, no racism, nothing. They aren’t even rumored Satanists. I mean, how good could a band like that possibly be? Any true metal band should have an in-depth ‘Controversy’ section on Wikipedia that talks about the murder of a bandmate, a fan, or even a random stranger. I mean, there has to be some sort of murder.”

Experts agree that the band’s lack of controversial antics are hurting their chances at success.

“Some might say a metal band’s image is more important than its music,” said metal historian Annabelle Duncan. “I mean, name a Murder Junkies song: you can’t. Burzum’s albums suck, and Phil Anselmo only stays relevant with his semi-annual racist tirades. I don’t care how good Gore God’s music is — they better do something really offensive soon, or they’ll be forgotten.”

For their part, Gore God is aiming to rectify their good behavior.

“Oh, man… we got some crazy shit planned for our East Coast tour next month,” Gore God guitarist Guy Vaughn said. “We’ll be lucky if we don’t wind up in jail, or even dead.”

While Vaughn wouldn’t expound on what exactly they plan to do, he was last seen purchasing a smoke machine from a nearby Party City store.

5 Panic Attack Relief Tips You’ll Forget as Soon as You’re Having a Panic Attack

Posted on February 29, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

Uh-oh, it’s happening again. That flush feeling. The heart palpitations. Racing thoughts. The signs are clear: you are having another panic attack. But don’t worry, The Hard Times is here with five simple panic attack relief tips that you can use to get through this! Ya know, assuming you can remember them while your brain is on fire.

Just Breathe
Take a deep breath. Ugh, oh God it feels like you’re suffocating. How in the fuck can you take a deep breath?! It feels like there’s a belt around your chest. You can’t breathe. And now you’re dizzy. Are you going to pass out? Here? At work? In front of everyone? Oh great, now you’re thinking of every embarrassing middle school memory all at once. This is Hell.

Be In The Now
Okay, that last one didn’t help. Try some mindfulness so you can center yourself. Locate something green in the room, identify two smells, actively listen to your environment. Try not to think about how panic attack symptoms are almost identical to heart attack warning signs. Oh fuck, you thought about it. That’s okay, try breathing again. Alright now you’re crying and kinda choking at the same time. That isn’t helpful.

Meditate
The old standby! This one should clear those pesky panic symptoms right up. Sit perfectly still while your body screams at you for no particular reason. Relaxed yet? No? Hmm. Maybe you should try meditation. Ya know, when your stomach isn’t twisted into knots from anxiety and you can eat again. Maybe next week sometime.

Fuck
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.Ohshit.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Forget Everything You Know About Panic Attacks
You were able to do this one? Awesome! The key to surviving panic in the moment is to ride the emotional waves and allow them to pass. Distracting yourself from the experience only compounds the issue. Plus, these skills are best used to help in preventing panic attacks; not stopping them. Feel better? You do? That’s great! Okay, now that that’s over, you can get back to what you were doing before: anxiously ruminating about having another panic attack.

DNC Begs “Bernie Bros” to Please Stop Inciting Enthusiasm Into Democratic Party

Posted on February 29, 2020 by Bobby Korec

WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a public statement today, imploring Bernie Sanders supporters, pejoratively referred to as “Bernie Bros,” to refrain from participating in any actions that would further energize the party.

“This unbridled support for Bernie is a direct threat to our delicately outlined course of action,” DNC representative James Winderfield said while sporting an “I’m With Her” pin. “We’re just not prepared to handle that kind of reckless optimism this election. We much prefer a middle-of-the-road reaction like that from one of our more restrained candidates, like Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden”

“Few people know this about the DNC, but we actually get overwhelmed very easily and tend to make some fairly embarrassing blunders as a result,” Winderfield added. “That’s exactly what happened in Iowa, at least. We’re still trying to figure out how apps work.”

Supporters of Sanders have been vocal about their eagerness to participate in the democratic process this year, despite efforts from the DNC to steer them towards alternative presidential hopefuls.

“Finally, there’s a candidate who inspires me to get involved in the political discourse… which I do by emphatically retweeting memes about nuanced issues,” said Mary Rosenburg, a registered Democrat. “There have been so many years where we were forced to choose between a bunch of vapid politicians with zero substance or personality. Bernie, on the other hand, is someone I can have 30 beers with, get rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and not pay a dime out of pocket. I just can’t wait to get my stomach pumped by medical professionals for free.”

Meanwhile, Republican strategists have gleefully sat back and watched as the DNC ineptly attempts to quell excitement over one of their own.

“The number-one enemy to a Democrat is a slightly more progressive Democrat,” GOP strategist Phil Darrelson cackled. “Most of the time, our entire political strategy involves letting liberals fight amongst themselves until they fizzle out and make incompetent decisions, and then we swoop in and take whatever we want. It works every time — by the time Democrats get their act together, we’ll have already secured several more Supreme Court Justice picks. Can’t believe how easy it is.”

At press time, DNC representatives were seen undercover at a Tom Steyer rally, passing out bumper stickers that read, “Any Functioning Adult (Except Bernie) 2020.”

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