DNC Begs “Bernie Bros” to Please Stop Inciting Enthusiasm Into Democratic Party

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a public statement today, imploring Bernie Sanders supporters, pejoratively referred to as “Bernie Bros,” to refrain from participating in any actions that would further energize the party.

“This unbridled support for Bernie is a direct threat to our delicately outlined course of action,” DNC representative James Winderfield said while sporting an “I’m With Her” pin. “We’re just not prepared to handle that kind of reckless optimism this election. We much prefer a middle-of-the-road reaction like that from one of our more restrained candidates, like Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden”

“Few people know this about the DNC, but we actually get overwhelmed very easily and tend to make some fairly embarrassing blunders as a result,” Winderfield added. “That’s exactly what happened in Iowa, at least. We’re still trying to figure out how apps work.”

Supporters of Sanders have been vocal about their eagerness to participate in the democratic process this year, despite efforts from the DNC to steer them towards alternative presidential hopefuls.

“Finally, there’s a candidate who inspires me to get involved in the political discourse… which I do by emphatically retweeting memes about nuanced issues,” said Mary Rosenburg, a registered Democrat. “There have been so many years where we were forced to choose between a bunch of vapid politicians with zero substance or personality. Bernie, on the other hand, is someone I can have 30 beers with, get rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and not pay a dime out of pocket. I just can’t wait to get my stomach pumped by medical professionals for free.”

Meanwhile, Republican strategists have gleefully sat back and watched as the DNC ineptly attempts to quell excitement over one of their own.

“The number-one enemy to a Democrat is a slightly more progressive Democrat,” GOP strategist Phil Darrelson cackled. “Most of the time, our entire political strategy involves letting liberals fight amongst themselves until they fizzle out and make incompetent decisions, and then we swoop in and take whatever we want. It works every time — by the time Democrats get their act together, we’ll have already secured several more Supreme Court Justice picks. Can’t believe how easy it is.”

At press time, DNC representatives were seen undercover at a Tom Steyer rally, passing out bumper stickers that read, “Any Functioning Adult (Except Bernie) 2020.”

I’m Drunk and an Hour Late but I Deserve to Be Right in Front of the Stage

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Get the hell out of my way! I just got here an hour late and I’m shitfaced but it’s my God-given right to be directly in front of the stage for my favorite band. Hell yeah, Lagwagon! You guys better play “Linoleum!!!”

Oh hey, it’s me. The guy whose hand violently grabs your shoulder and yanks you aside after the headliner has already been playing for 10 minutes. You know, the guy staring maniacally up at the band and frantically fighting his way towards them with the fixed intensity of a drunken Dudebro T-1000. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with the front of the stage so you’re gonna have to move.

What’d ya say, motherfucker? If I wanted to be up close I should’ve gotten here earlier? Well if I wanted shitty advice, I should’ve asked you. That doesn’t even make sense? Well how ’bout this, you’re a punk bitch nerd and I’m genuinely sorry that I just spilled an entire Coors Light on your girlfriend.

Good thing I have another one right here though. Double-fisting! “Double-fisting” also doubles as my favorite Lagwagon song. Pretty sure it was on “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4.” This is the best night of my life.

Look, I’m not such a bad guy. I’m just constantly drunk and I learned concert etiquette at the Family Values tour in 1998. Speaking of alcoholism you don’t even have a beer, man! If you aren’t carelessly sloshing around an overfilled plastic cup of piss-yellow domestic, what will you chuck into the air the second the pit opens up? Your shoe? That’s reckless and you should be more careful. And more drunk.

Technically I didn’t “just get here,” by the way. But as soon as me and my bro Blumpkin got in the venue, we headed straight for the bar. We had to keep the buzz going from our epic pre-game. Fuck I love tailgating. It’s the reason I miss every opening band, the first three quarters of football games, and all four of my grandparent’s funerals.

You probably noticed us in the parking lot playing Cornhole, slamming Jager shots, and blasting an FM radio station perpetually stuck on commercial break. It was gnarly! We played some one vs. one beer pong and, after his 9th straight loss, Blumpkin totally blew chunks. He’s sleeping in the car now.

His loss! Lagwagon rules! Let me just push my way past a few more people and get right up there. Then I can stage dive, crowdsurf to the back, grab two more beers, and do it all over again!

Let’s go, Lagwagon! Play “Double-fisting!”

Date Brought to Grinding Halt After Third Eye Blind Used as Example of Punk Band

Posted on by James Knapp

BEL AIR, Md. — A Tinder date between “Bloody” Mary Wolski and certifiable poser Jared VanAuden ended abruptly moments ago thanks to VanAuden’s errant claim that Third Eye Blind is a punk band, sources not impressed by the “dumb, jock dick” confirmed.

“Everything started off well enough — he seemed pretty cool, and even offered to pay for everything,” said Wolski, a longtime punk dating outside her local scene for the first time since middle school. “I mentioned I play guitar in a few punk bands, and he claimed Third Eye Blind really ‘revolutionized’ punk. When I realized he wasn’t kidding, I signaled for the check and reactivated my Bumble account under the table.”

“I just hope nobody overheard us,” added Wolski. “I don’t want to have to move to California because someone thinks I agreed with this moron.”

For his part, VanAuden didn’t seem to understand.

“Dude, that band rocks so fucking hard,” affirmed VanAuden while paying the check for two glasses of wine and an appetizer. “And this chick seems pretty fucking rad, so I had to bring in the big guns. ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ is basically the best punk song ever written, and as soon as I brought it up, she wanted to get out of here… so I’m pretty sure we’re about to head back to her place, if you know what I’m saying.”

Sadly for VanAuden, server Annabell Shuster doesn’t think the couple will make it to a second date.

“They seemed cute at first… but when I came back with their jalapeno poppers it was just, like, so tense,” said Shuster. “One of my co-workers heard the guy raving about Third Eye Blind, so I gotta say she definitely made the right call ditching this dud.”

“Our restaurant has an unofficial policy where we give a voucher for a free drink to anyone who cuts a disappointing date short,” added Shuster. “This douche referring to a butt-pop band like Third Eye Blind as ‘punk’ definitely qualifies.”

At press time, VanAuden was on his ninth message of “hey” to Wolski with no response.

Casual Gamer Can’t Even Beat First Stage of Grief

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Twenty-eight year old Liam Glasser, secretly loathed by his friends and loved ones for failing to make meaningful progress in video games, is unable to even overcome the first stage of grieving for his late childhood guinea pig, close sources report.

“Listen, I’m a busy guy, okay?” Glasser said, defending his lack of progress through Denial. “I’ve got important shit to occupy myself worrying about. I’m not like all these no-lifer hardcore grievers who can breeze through the mourning process in a weekend.”

Members of Glasser’s household were able to confirm that the family guinea pig, Twinkles, passed away in the summer of 2003 while Liam was away at a scout retreat.

“It was a real challenge for all of us,” confirmed younger sibling Teagan Glasser, who was six years old at the time. “But, like, a satisfying challenge following a classic Grief curve, with a tough but winnable Acceptance fight at the end to pull it all together.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Glasser made a token effort to overcome Denial, but buckled under any semblance of challenge, lashing out at hobbyist grievers with more skill and experience.

“I don’t need to fully experience the mourning process to feel complete!” he lied. “I’ve heard good things about Anger and Bargaining and Despair, but it’s basically the same if I watch someone else grieve all the way through, or just skip a stage or two and pretend I beat it, right?”

Among those fed up with Glasser’s attitude were friends and community members with exceptional coping skills.

“Glasser’s still chipping away at Denial?” asked former middle school classmate Chuck Breyer between mouthfuls of hot chips. “I pulled off a no-hit three-star Acceptance run, S-rank and no O-O-B, maybe an hour after my wife died. There’s no helping some people.”

At press time, Glasser was seen watching a YouTube walkthrough by TheFuriousGamer on how to get to Anger.

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Four Year Strong Trapped in Breakdown to Song They Don’t Remember

Posted on by Ted Pillow

BOSTON — Extremely sweaty attendees at a Four Year Strong “Brain Pain” record release show report the band has been playing the same breakdown for so long, they can’t remember which song the breakdown was from in the first place.

“We’re dying out here, man,” longtime Four Year Strong fan Joey Sullivan explained while feebly attempting to mosh at the Boston House of Blues. “I’ve been going off to this same breakdown for over an hour! You can only do your best pit moves for so long, man. I’m all windmilled out. At this point, I’m just hoping to be crowd-surfed to a nearby hospital.”

Witnesses report the show started normally, with Four Year Strong playing hits like “We All Float Down Here” and “Catastrophe” to a sold-out crowd. But, at some point, the band found themselves in a perpetual breakdown from which they appear unable to escape.

“I always feared this could happen,” band manager Wayne Duggan confided while trying to frantically signal to the band to just stop playing. “Even I don’t remember what song it was. Once you get far enough into a breakdown, you lose all sense of direction. By now they’re all just kind of head-banging and playing unrelated solo parts really, really slowly.”

Fans tried to help by shouting out possible song titles, but a myriad of conflicting suggestions only increased confusion. Nonetheless, Four Year Strong have not given up their desperate struggle to find their way back to the original song.

“I’m totally freaking out right now,” drummer Jake Massucco told reporters onstage while still going to town on his cymbals and kick drum. “Hold on a second! I think maybe this is it… nope, nevermind. That’s Pantera, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s definitely Pantera. Fuck.”

At press time, Four Year Strong were finally being carted offstage and wheeled into their tour van, in the hopes that they could find their way out of this musical labyrinth while en route to Friday night’s show in New York City.

Four Year Strong’s “Brain Pain” is available everywhere you get your music. Check it out here:
https://smarturl.it/BrainPain

 

Photo by Mike DeMillia.

When This Vinyl Newbie Wanted to Share Our Enthusiasm for Records, We Banded Together to Make Him Feel Stupid and Inferior

Posted on by Jon Swihart

We could tell the instant Jacob Spivey walked into Sunnyside Music that he didn’t know a single thing about records. Right off the bat, he didn’t even stop to glare suspiciously at the people thumbing through the new arrivals. Instead, he marched cheerfully up to the counter and introduced himself to us like some kind of psycho.

“I just got a record player and I’m really excited about getting some vinyls,” he said. Excited? What a loser! A record collector should only be excited about two things: finding a rare record that the store doesn’t know is valuable and making other enthusiasts feel dumb. Needless to say, we were excited.

See, Jacob didn’t understand the problem so our manager Gavin simply shook his head and asked what kind of music he was into even though we all knew it was David Bowie. In fact, Jacob was already holding up a shrink-wrapped 2016 reissue of “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust.”

I tried to explain that new Bowie reissues have no collectible value and were just a cynical marketing ploy to cash in on Bowie’s death. But Jacob responded with some moronic logic about wanting it because he liked the songs. We couldn’t stop laughing. Who actually likes music? Grow up.

For the next twenty minutes, we grilled Jacob about bands from Big Star to Roxy Music. Pretty basic stuff. At the height of our relentless mocking, he protested that he was only 23-years-old. We told him that was no excuse and sent him home with a copy of “Trout Mask Replica” and told him not to come back until he’d listened through it a few times.

The next time I saw Jacob at Sunnyside Records he was trying to sell his record player. What a poser. These vinyl newbies never last.

Ally Hopes He Doesn’t Have To Do Anything

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

CHICAGO — Logan Square resident Nick McMahon is enjoying the social capital gained from his passionate tweets against police brutality, but secretly hopes others don’t actually expect him to follow up on this in his day-to-day life.

“I put #ACAB in my Twitter bio so everyone knows what I’m about. And since I’m so public, a lot of people assume I’m involved, you know? I’ve even told people to donate to a couple causes I’ve heard other people are donating to,” McMahon said. “I like to think that by raising awareness with my retweets and likes, I’ve done more to increase awareness than I’m really expected to. I look forward to continuing to express my allyship as long as it doesn’t actually inconvenience me in any way.”

“After all, I just picked up an eighth, and have like a dozen more episodes of ‘Chapo’ to listen to, so I’m pretty busy,” he added.

However, McMahon’s friend Liana Pyzik has caught on to his lack of commitment.

“My partner and I were walking to the movie theatre with Nick and a couple of other friends, and we saw the cops harassing some black guy,” Pyzik recalled. “My partner started filming in case anything went awry, and the others and I stood with her… but Nick got annoyed and went straight to the theatre. He said he didn’t want to miss any of the good previews.”

Indeed, McMahon’s inaction was noticed by the police as well.

“Oh, yeah, I remember him: good, white kid, not getting in the way and filming like that green-haired freak I saw him with,” said Ofc. Ted Brooks. “Filming police officers makes our job that much harder — how am I supposed to ticket some black mom for jaywalking with bystanders filming me? It’s nice to know there are people like that kid out there.”

McMahon was last seen texting his friends to figure out who was responsible for bringing coke to Saturday’s basement hardcore show.

Help! Why Does “Dust in the Wind” Start Playing Every Time I Eat Alone in My Apartment?

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It’s been happening for nearly a month now. I’ll be alone in my apartment about to enjoy a tasty half rack of ribs leftover from the other night, when all of a sudden I’ll begin to hear the opening bars of Kansas’s ‘Dust in the Wind.’

I thought it was a prank at first, until I remembered that you kind of need other people in your life for others to prank you.

I love the bachelor life because It allows me to run on my own schedule and play by my own rules. My friends always tell me that I put the “party” in “party of one” before leaving to go home to their children. That was actually the last thing that they said to me, in fact.

Once my shift at Michael’s ends, I normally like to celebrate a hard day’s work by enjoying an evening meal alone in my bachelor pad, but because of my little Kansas problem, I now spend my nights sobbing into a KFC famous bowl, which is definitely not very party rock.

Can’t a cool bachelor like myself enjoy some peace and quiet while eating half a rotisserie chicken in their bed without wearing a shirt? Why does Steve Walsh’s sultry vocal have to remind me that since I live alone and don’t have a significant other, it might be a few weeks until somebody finds me if I die? Living the single life is my choice, and I demand respect! My life shouldn’t have to feel like the sad part in a ‘90s Adam Sandler movie all the time.

It’s starting to become a real drag on my awesome swinger lifestyle. Before this started happening I could get through an entire deep dish pizza and half a season of ‘The Office’ without even thinking. I still do all of that every night but now I’m crying through most of it.

What is even causing this? Is it my own mind, or some omnipotent external voice determined to make me more aware of my own isolation? Are we really all just dust in the wind? Why do these french fries taste so good when I dip them into my milkshake?

Litter Box Only Working Toilet in Punk House

Posted on by Zac Lux

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — The only working toilet in local punk house The Mooseknuckle is simply a litter box following a breakdown in plumbing weeks ago, disgusted guests of the dilapidated structure confirmed.

“The ‘people’ toilet hasn’t really worked since we started squatting here,” said Patty Beeley, the house’s most veteran resident. “We didn’t realize it right away — we just thought it would require a few flushes after stockpiling the aftermath of weeks of Plates from Nick Tahou’s. Turns out the plumbing is seriously broken, so we found an old litter box in the dumpsters behind PetWorld and set it up in the house. It’s been working great! We’ve even had a few strays from the neighborhood come to use our luxuries.”

“The cats will usually leave a dead mouse on the floor as payment, which is pretty thoughtful,” added Beeley.

Meanwhile, guests have reluctantly accepted Mooseknuckle’s amenities.

“I’ll admit, it was a little weird at first,” said local punk Klam Bäke. “But if you picture it like you’re shitting in a hole outdoors, it’s not so bad. And I will say, squatting in full view of an entire party and refusing to break eye contact with people… it gives you this sort of primal ownership of the place. Really, the only drag is they’ve got Scott’s brand toilet paper. It’s like wiping your ass with sandpaper.”

Mooseknuckle residents pooled their resources last week to hire Randy Pitt, the area’s highest-rated plumber, but even he couldn’t fix a single toilet in the house.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stuttered Pitt, drinking from a flask of whiskey. “Oh my God, the smell… I couldn’t escape it. I managed to open the lid, it was horrific: coagulated goop surrounded the bowl, but something on the surface… it was moving. I swear, the ‘make’ spawned a colony of organisms, chanting and worshipping a shit-statue of the ass that created them. I threw up in the litter box — it was the only plumbing in the house, after all — and I think I spewed on some cats, too. I feel bad about that, but I ran out of there and didn’t look back.”

Mooseknuckle’s litter box has since expanded to the main corridor, and a majority of the square footage of the house now occupies the toilet.

J.J. Abrams Won’t Stop Telling Sandwich Guy at Bodega to ‘Surprise Him’

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Staff at a local bodega have become increasingly frustrated with Star Wars director J.J. Abrams, who won’t stop placing lunch orders by telling the establishment’s sandwich maker to “surprise” him, frustrated sources waiting on line behind Abrams confirmed.

“When I get a sandwich, I don’t want the same old thing every time,” Abrams explained. “I’ll take a random combination of meats and vegetables over a predictable roast beef sandwich any day. I see lunch as a sort of mystery box.”

The situation became worse as Abrams began micromanaging the deli workers by asking them to invent some backstory to explain new ingredient choices. When a sandwich maker decided to start including pastrami one day, Abrams demanded that he act out the decision in a flashback sequence.

On several occasions, Abrams was seen taking finished sandwiches back to the counter and asking workers if they could “retcon some onions into them.”

“This isn’t how you make a sandwich,” vented angry bodega worker Sal Marinello, who was angrily working on a third round of drafts on Abrams’s sandwich following a series of notes from the director. “A sandwich is a carefully crafted production. You don’t just toss a bunch of random ingredients together and expect it to taste good just because it’s surprising. Has this guy ever even eaten a sandwich before?”

According to reports, several Bushwick natives have spotted Abrams exiting the bodega every day, throwing the sandwich in the trash and ordering a pizza next door. Abrams is often overheard telling crew members back on set that pizza was his plan all along, actually.

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