BEL AIR, Md. — A Tinder date between “Bloody” Mary Wolski and certifiable poser Jared VanAuden ended abruptly moments ago thanks to VanAuden’s errant claim that Third Eye Blind is a punk band, sources not impressed by the “dumb, jock dick” confirmed.
“Everything started off well enough — he seemed pretty cool, and even offered to pay for everything,” said Wolski, a longtime punk dating outside her local scene for the first time since middle school. “I mentioned I play guitar in a few punk bands, and he claimed Third Eye Blind really ‘revolutionized’ punk. When I realized he wasn’t kidding, I signaled for the check and reactivated my Bumble account under the table.”
“I just hope nobody overheard us,” added Wolski. “I don’t want to have to move to California because someone thinks I agreed with this moron.”
For his part, VanAuden didn’t seem to understand.
“Dude, that band rocks so fucking hard,” affirmed VanAuden while paying the check for two glasses of wine and an appetizer. “And this chick seems pretty fucking rad, so I had to bring in the big guns. ‘Semi-Charmed Life’ is basically the best punk song ever written, and as soon as I brought it up, she wanted to get out of here… so I’m pretty sure we’re about to head back to her place, if you know what I’m saying.”
Sadly for VanAuden, server Annabell Shuster doesn’t think the couple will make it to a second date.
“They seemed cute at first… but when I came back with their jalapeno poppers it was just, like, so tense,” said Shuster. “One of my co-workers heard the guy raving about Third Eye Blind, so I gotta say she definitely made the right call ditching this dud.”
“Our restaurant has an unofficial policy where we give a voucher for a free drink to anyone who cuts a disappointing date short,” added Shuster. “This douche referring to a butt-pop band like Third Eye Blind as ‘punk’ definitely qualifies.”
At press time, VanAuden was on his ninth message of “hey” to Wolski with no response.