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Help! Why Does “Dust in the Wind” Start Playing Every Time I Eat Alone in My Apartment?

It’s been happening for nearly a month now. I’ll be alone in my apartment about to enjoy a tasty half rack of ribs leftover from the other night, when all of a sudden I’ll begin to hear the opening bars of Kansas’s ‘Dust in the Wind.’

I thought it was a prank at first, until I remembered that you kind of need other people in your life for others to prank you.

I love the bachelor life because It allows me to run on my own schedule and play by my own rules. My friends always tell me that I put the “party” in “party of one” before leaving to go home to their children. That was actually the last thing that they said to me, in fact.

Once my shift at Michael’s ends, I normally like to celebrate a hard day’s work by enjoying an evening meal alone in my bachelor pad, but because of my little Kansas problem, I now spend my nights sobbing into a KFC famous bowl, which is definitely not very party rock.

Can’t a cool bachelor like myself enjoy some peace and quiet while eating half a rotisserie chicken in their bed without wearing a shirt? Why does Steve Walsh’s sultry vocal have to remind me that since I live alone and don’t have a significant other, it might be a few weeks until somebody finds me if I die? Living the single life is my choice, and I demand respect! My life shouldn’t have to feel like the sad part in a ‘90s Adam Sandler movie all the time.

It’s starting to become a real drag on my awesome swinger lifestyle. Before this started happening I could get through an entire deep dish pizza and half a season of ‘The Office’ without even thinking. I still do all of that every night but now I’m crying through most of it.

What is even causing this? Is it my own mind, or some omnipotent external voice determined to make me more aware of my own isolation? Are we really all just dust in the wind? Why do these french fries taste so good when I dip them into my milkshake?