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Ally Hopes He Doesn’t Have To Do Anything

CHICAGO — Logan Square resident Nick McMahon is enjoying the social capital gained from his passionate tweets against police brutality, but secretly hopes others don’t actually expect him to follow up on this in his day-to-day life.

“I put #ACAB in my Twitter bio so everyone knows what I’m about. And since I’m so public, a lot of people assume I’m involved, you know? I’ve even told people to donate to a couple causes I’ve heard other people are donating to,” McMahon said. “I like to think that by raising awareness with my retweets and likes, I’ve done more to increase awareness than I’m really expected to. I look forward to continuing to express my allyship as long as it doesn’t actually inconvenience me in any way.”

“After all, I just picked up an eighth, and have like a dozen more episodes of ‘Chapo’ to listen to, so I’m pretty busy,” he added.

However, McMahon’s friend Liana Pyzik has caught on to his lack of commitment.

“My partner and I were walking to the movie theatre with Nick and a couple of other friends, and we saw the cops harassing some black guy,” Pyzik recalled. “My partner started filming in case anything went awry, and the others and I stood with her… but Nick got annoyed and went straight to the theatre. He said he didn’t want to miss any of the good previews.”

Indeed, McMahon’s inaction was noticed by the police as well.

“Oh, yeah, I remember him: good, white kid, not getting in the way and filming like that green-haired freak I saw him with,” said Ofc. Ted Brooks. “Filming police officers makes our job that much harder — how am I supposed to ticket some black mom for jaywalking with bystanders filming me? It’s nice to know there are people like that kid out there.”

McMahon was last seen texting his friends to figure out who was responsible for bringing coke to Saturday’s basement hardcore show.